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| Scripts |
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.... Actually, it wasn't that long ago. It was on Anakin's 16th birthday. We join our hero's in Dexter's Diner, Anakin is opening the last of his birthday presents. Attending the party is Anakin, his master Obi-wan, Jedi Leader Yoda, Yoda's strange, non-Jedi friend, who is a furry blue monster named "Cookie Monster", Jedi Padawan Ham, owner and chef of the place, Dexter Jettster, and several other padawans and Jedi. Anakin Wow! A new crystal for my �saber! Thanks Ham! Cookie monster Cookie monster give present, too! Cookie Monster give present, too! Anakin Oh, really? Cookie monster Cookie Monster give you�.. Cookie�s!!! He hands Anakin a bag of cookies Anakin Umm� this bag is empty. Cookiee Monster That�s because Cookiee Monster gobble up cookies! Yoda puts his hand over his face, he is very embarrassed that he brought his �friend� along. Obi-Wan Anyways�.. it�s time for the cake. The lights dim as Dexter walks out of the kitchen holding a cake with 16 holo-candles. Cookie monster Mmm�. Cookie loves cake!!! The Cookie Monster runs after the cake. Yoda How embarrassing� Obi-wan uses his blue lightsaber to chop off the cookie monsters arm, it falls to the ground clutching a cookie. Cookie Monster OWIE! He runs away. Dexter proceeds to place the cake on the table as everyone finishes singing happy birthday. Obi-wan Make a wish Anakin, then turn off the holo-candles. Anakin (thinking to himself) I think I should wish for something for master Kenobi. He�s so nice to me, defending my cake and all. Anakin turns off the holo-candles and everyone around him begins to clap. Obi-wan What did you wish for, Anakin? Saesee Tinn No, don�t tell, or it might not come true! A protocol droid, wielding a pair of scissors, walks out of the kitchen. It walks over to Obi-wan, and cuts off his �invincible� ponytail. Then, suddenly, a beard begins to grow on Master Kenobi�s face. Obi-Wan (startled) What the kriff? Anakin (smiling) I think my wish just came true. Obi-Wan You WISHED for this!?!?! This beard is�. Insane! Anakin But I get rid of your girlish ponytail Obi-Wan True enough. Later, back at the temple, in Anakin�s room: Obi-wan Anakin, I think we need to talk� Anakin Listen, master, if it�s about my, uh, holo-pictures of Padme, that was Ham�s idea. And they�re not �smutty� they�re �artistic� and �tasteful�. Obi-Wan What? Anakin Never mind. What were you saying? Obi-wan Well, I know how you feel about not being able to pilot anything since you left Tatooine. But I�ve good news. Now that you�re 16, you can get an airspeeder license. Anakin No Way! Obi-wan Yes way. Anakin Dude. Obi-wan Anyways, I�ve already signed you up for lessons. They begin tomorrow. Anakin Wizard! I�m gonna go practice on some sims right now, okay? Anakin runs out of the room. Obi-wan Well, that went as well as could be expected. Now lets see what we can�t do about this beard. Obi-wan�s washroom: Obi-wan (to himself): Now that Annie�s working on getting his license, perhaps I�ll be able to work on another case for the Jedi. Perhaps I�ll finally crack that ryll smuggling case. Obi-wan attempts to shave the beard off, but nothing happens. The blade on his Mach 3000 laser-razor actually breaks. Obi-wan Now what am I going to do? Ham (sitting in a corner of Obi-wan�s washroom) Try my lightsaber, Obi! He passes his lightsaber to Obi-wan Obi-wan How in the blazes did you get in here!?! And why? Ham I�m trying to write a story, it�s about a miner, whose character is loosely based on myself. My master doesn�t like the fact that my story might actually get published, so I have to write it in private. Obi-wan turns on Hams lightsaber Obi-wan Okay, I understand that much. But why write it in my bathroom? Ham Would you look for me in here? Obi-wan Point taken. Obi-wan carefully puts the green �saber up to his beard. He presses it gently to his beard. It has no effect. He then applies more pressure, but nothing happens. He then decides to whack his bearded-face with it. He does so, and the Saber actually snaps in two!!! The blade part of the saber goes flying, it goes right through the wall into Obi-wan�s quarters, then into a hallway where it kills a random passerby. Obi-wan and Ham Oh, Kriff. Obi-wan rushes up to the fallen man and holds him, the same way he once held his dieing master, Qui-gon. Ham watches in shock, crying. Random Passerby Obi-wan� you must� train the boy� Obi-wan What boy? Random Passerby Him, you moron, he�s my padawan. (He�s pointing at Ham) You�d better make sure he gets trained. Obi-wan What the kriff are you gonna do about it? You�re dead. Random Passerby slaps obi-wan Obi-wan Fine, I�ll make sure the kid gets trained. Geez. Random Passerby Goodbye Ham Ham Goodbye, R.P. The Random Passerby dies. Obi-wan What are we gonna do about the body? Ham Explain that it was an accident? Obi-wan Nope. Remember the time Anakin shot me by accident? They sent security to lock him up. Ham Too bad that dead Jedi masters don�t just fade into thin air� Obi-Wan That gives me an idea! Else where� Obi-wan and Ham throw the random passerby�s body into a large shredding machine. Ham What�s going to happen to him now? Obi-wan Ever heard of a hotdog? Ham Gross! Obi-wan What�s gross? Ham You turned my dead master into a hotdog! Obi-wan No I didn�t! I just asked if you�ve ever heard of one. They taste pretty good. If you want, we can get one and I�ll tell you all about Jedi heaven� Meanwhile, Anakin gets tested� Cradossk Hi, I�m Cradossk. I�ll be you�re teacher for the day, Anakin. Anakin Cool. Umm� how come you have human hands. Cradossk does have the hands of a human. Cradossk Well, you see, my son, Bossk, bit them off. The only prosthetic limbs available were human ones. I took them, and grew in love with them. They�re so much better that those stupid reptile hands. And they�re good for stroking my� (he blushes).. uh, nevermind. Anakin Stroking you�re what? Cradossk Uh, my ego. I used to be the second best bounty hunter in the galaxy, after that pesky Jango Fett. Anakin Why aren�t you still a bounty hunter? Cradossk Bossk killed me and ate me. Then somehow I ended up here, on Coruscant, teaching Driver�s Ed. Weird how the galaxy works, huh? Anakin shrugs Anakin I guess so. Cradossk I wonder where Bossk is right now? Anakin Probably looking for a top. Can we start this or what? Cradossk Okay, first off is the oral test Anakin Ha ha! You said Oral! Cradossk (Blushing) heh, heh, I s�pose I did. Question #1 what is the purpose of the ejection seat? Anakin Poop. Cradossk Incorrect. Question number two� Anakin waves his hand Anakin My first answer was correct. Cradossk Your first answer was correct As Anakin continues to cheat his way through the exam, Obi-wan is talking to Ham, at a restaurant in Coruscant. Where they are eating hotdogs that look surprisingly like Ham�s former master. Obi-wan So, considering how busy Anakin is, maybe you can be my padawan until we find you a new master? Ham Okay! Obi-wan Hey, remember that story you were writing? About the miner? Could you read it to me? Ham Okay! Ham pulls out a datapad, flicks it on, and reads the story. Ham Inside a mine, there was a miner. One day, he found a piece of lommite ore. He put the ore onto the conveyor belt, and it took the ore far, far away. The poor miner never saw the piece of lommite ore again. Ham sniffles, trying not to cry, he then puts his datapad away. Ham It�s a short story, but a sad one. Obi-wan What the kriff kind of story was that!?!?! It was awful!!! Ham My publisher agreed. He said it was the worst story he�d ever read. And he�s not prone to using superlatives. He said it lacks everything. He said, �You name it, it lacks it. It especially lacks sex and violence�. I�m thinking of writing a second draft, which has more sex and violence. Obi-wan Oookay. Obi-wans comlinks beeps. He opens it up and a holographic image of Yoda appears. Obi-wan Master Yoda. Master Yoda Obi-wan. Master Yoda Your request to work on the ryll smuggling case, about it, this is. Obi-wan Did the council agree to let me investigate? Master Yoda Agreed, they did. Suggest, I do, that you start at a place called neD llyR Obi-wan Why? Master Yoda Because it�s Ryll Den spelled backwards, you idiot! Ham laughs Obi-wan Shut-up. (To Yoda) okay. We�ll start there, then. Meanwhile, Anakin Skywalker is about to get behing the wheel. Cradossk Now that we�re in the airspeeder, what is the first thing we do? Anakin Put on a seatbelt. Cradossk Yes. Now what? Anakin Uh, turn this hunk of junk on? Cradossk Yes. Now what? Anakin Floor it? Cradossk Yes. Now what� Wait.. what? No! Anakin Floors it. Anakin Now this is podracing! The airspeeder is flying crazily through Coruscant. Anakin doesn�t fly in the right skylane. But that�s only one of the minor things that he�s not doing. Cradossk I�m going to barf like some� some clich� about Alderaanian Nerf Herder�s on some kind of fast moving vehicle. At neD llyR� Ham and Obi-wan are acting like customers in the arcade known as neD llyR. The place is small, smoky and dark. People are openly using drugs, such as death sticks, ryll and glittersim. Ham This place smells like that old Jedi Knight, Qui-gon� Obi-wan (blushing) Uh, yeah, sure. Ham and Obi-wan walk up to the counter. Obi-wan (whispering to Ham) We shouldn�t be too obvious about what we�re really here for. Ham Right. A rodian employee is on the other side of the counter. Rodian Employee Can I help you? Ham We�re here to make sure you guys aren�t really dealing drugs. Obi-wan slaps him on the back of his head. Obi-wan You moron!!! Rodian Employee Now, what would make you think that? Obi-wan Because everyone in here is using drugs. Rodian Employee Besides that. Ham (pointing to a sign) Because it�s Ryll Den spelled backwards, you moron! Rodian Employee Coincidence. NeD llyR is huttese for �arcade games� Ham No, neD llyR is Huttese for �drug dealer� Rodian Employee Really? I didn�t know that. Obi-wan Whatever. You�re under arrest. Rodian For what? Obi-wan Selling drugs, moron! Rodian But I didn�t sell drugs to any of these people. They brought them here themselves. And you have no proof that I sold them anything. Obi-wan Then you won�t mind us searching the place? Rodian Of course not. Let me give you these. They�re tokens. You can play any game in here for free. You�ll notice that none of the games have drugs in them. Ham snatches the tokens, while Obi-wan stares at the Rodian, suspiciously. Ham Thanks! Hopefully, this will prove to us Jedi that you aren�t drug dealers. Rodian Jedi? You two are Jedi!?! I�m gonna have to take those tokens back. Ham But that�s discrimination! Rodian Nope. The last Jedi in here, some hippy named Qui-Gon, hasn�t paid off all of his debts here. Obi-wan That�s because he�s dead. Rodian Doesn�t matter. You can�t come in until you pay off his debts. Obi-wan Fine. How much does he owe? Rodian 14, 890, 000, 000.14 credits. Obi-wan WHAY? Rodian Not my problem he smoked everything he could light on fire. Obi-wan Fine. We�ll pay. As Obi-wan opens his purse (yeah, he has a purse!), Anakin is flying through the skylanes of Coruscant�. Anakin�s airspeeder is flying through the air; doing maneuvers only a true Jedi could perform. But even Jedi can run into problems with judicals. Cradossk Will you slow down? Anakin Why? Cradossk �cuz your flying like a twi�lek on spice! Now pull over! Anakin No way! Cradossk Yes Way! Anakin checks his mirror, and behind his airspeeder is a judical (think GFFA police) car, with it�s red and blue lights signaling that Anakin had better pull over, if he wants to stay out of prison. Cradossk Now look what you�ve done. Anakin lands the airspeeder in a nearby parking lot, on top of a building. The judicials do the same thing. They get out of their car and walk over to Anakin�s vehicle. Judical #1 Please step out of the vehicle, sir. Anakin and Cradossk get out. Judical # 2 Can I see your license? Anakin I don�t have one. Judical #2 You were flying without a license? Anakin Yeah. Cradossk What he means is, I�m his Pilots� Ed teacher, and he�s taking a test to get his license. Judicial #1 Well, then can I see your license, sir? Cradossk Sure thing, officer. Cradossk pulls out his license and hands it to Judical #2. Judicial #2 Um� this is just a piece of cardboard with your picture on it. Judicial #1 Yeah, and it says �me over 16. Me allowed drive.� Cradossk Uh-oh. That forgery guy said it�d fool even the dumbest of you morons. Judicial #2 Uh-huh. Sir, I�m going to need some more identification from you. Cradossk hands him a few certificates. Judicial #2 Birth certificate�. Photo I.D. � Bounty Hunters Guild membership�. Death Certificate� (surprised) Death certificate? What the kriff? Cradossk Yeah. I�m dead. My son, Bossk, killed and ate me. Judicial #1 Ooookay. (To Judicial #2) We�re gonna have to bring these guys down to headquarters. Judicial #2 Yup. Hey, son, how old are you? Anakin 16. Judicial #2 And you, you�re an alien, right? Cradossk Not on my homeworld. But yeah, I am a Trandoshan. Judicial #1 What if they resist us? Judicial #2 It�s not �Excessive force� if they resist. The two Judicials walk menacingly towards Cradossk and Anakin, and take out stun batons. Anakin Quick, get in the airspeeder! Anakin and Cradossk hop into the airspeeder. Anakin turns it on and drives away. Judicial #2 C�mon! We gotta catch �em! Both judicials run to their airspeeder. As Anakin is being chased across Coruscant, Obi-wan and Ham are still investigating at neD llyR. As Ham plays some of the arcade games, Obi-wan decides to snoop around in one of the back rooms. Obi-Wan Hmm�. I think I�ll snoop around, in one of the back rooms. Obi-wan sees a room with a sign saying �employees only� and thinks he should go inside. Obi-wan That room has a sign saying �Employees only�. I think I should go inside. Obi-wan decides to open a box clearly marked �Do not open, unless you work here� Obi-wan I�m gonna have to open this box, even though it says� Mysterious voice Okay, we already know� Obi-wan whirls around to find the person who said that, it is - A younger version of himself! Obi-wan Hey! You�re a younger version of myself! Young Ben Yup. I�m clean-shaven and have this really cool ponytail. Obi-wan Looking back, I can see how girly it was, after all. Young Ben Hey! Obi-wan Sorry. Young Ben sniffs the air. Young Ben Hey, this place kinda smells like Master Qui-gon Obi-wan (blushing) hehehe.. Yeah. Sort of. Young Ben Kinda like when he would come back from behind li�l Ani�s podracer. Obi-wan Yeah. Let�s not talk about his�. Bad habits. Young Ben Okay. Obi-Wan So, what brings you here? Young Ben Well, I�ve come to tell you that you�ve gone insane. Obi-wan How the kriff could I be insane? Young Ben You�re talking to a younger version of yourself. Obi-wan Point taken. Young Ben It�s not complete insane-ness. You know, the kind where they lock you up for a long time. It�s the more hide-able insane-ness, where- apart from the odd delusions- you don�t even realize that you�re insane. Obi-wan I always knew Anakin would drive me crazy. Young Ben I remember little Ani. Geez, he must be getting old. He�s what, 15 now? Obi-wan 16. You should know. You were at his last birthday party. Young Ben Oh yeah. I�ll bet he�s got his license now, huh? Obi-wan He�s taking a test or something for it right now, actually. He�s probably doing fine. Young Ben Wow, they grow up so fast, huh? Obi-wan Umm�. Sure. Could we go back to searching for drugs now? Young Ben You can. I gotta go. Say hi to Qui-gon for me. Obi-wan What? He�s dead! Young Ben Is he? Obi-wan Yeah. Young Ben disappears. Obi-wan goes back to searching for drugs, he doesn�t find any, and decides to go back to Ham. Obi-wan I think I�ll go back to H� whatever that kids� name is. *** Obi-wan meets up with Ham, who just bet a dug in some sort of arcade game. Ham Master, I have an idea about how to catch these guys selling illegal drugs. Obi-wan What is it? Ham We disguise ourselves and come back looking to buy illegal drugs. Obi-wan Good idea, my young friend. As Obi-wan and Ham prepare disguises, Anakin and Cradossk are being pursued by judicials. Anakin Where can we go? Cradossk I�ve got a Rodian friend who can help us out. He�s over in the KraokarokaorCanadakveoernian sector. Anakin My master is there, too. Anakin�s speeder flies crazily towards the KraokarokaorCanadakveoernian sector, with judicials in hot pursuit. Anakin So, you�re not really a driver�s ed teacher? Cradossk Nope. Are you? Anakin What? Cradossk I thought you were gonna teach me to pilot. Anakin Oookay. **** Later� Anakin We�re here. It�s the Krako-cracked-whatever sector. Stupid Bothan naming systems. Cradossk Good. Look for a place called neD llyR. Anakin I dunno if we should go to a place like that. Cradossk Why not? Anakin Because it�s Ryll Den spelled backwards, you moron!!! Cradossk Whatever. Just look for it. Anakin Okay. Anakin swerves around a building. The judicials are still pursuing him. Anakin I think I found it. But there�s a problem Cradossk And that would be�? Anakin It�s dead ahead of us!!! It is. A crash would seem unavoidable. As the airspeeder grows closer, Anakin can make out his master�s face in one of the windows. Anakin What the kriff is he doing there? As Anakin is being pursued, Ham and Obi-wan prepare to infiltrate neD llyR�. Obi-wan and Ham Sandwich now have their disguises on. Obi-wan is wearing a vest over a Jedi tunic and is wearing a Rodian mask. It�s a pathetic mask, the snout doesn�t even move when he talks. Ham has opted to wear his normal Jedi robes, but with a wig that has long and unruly hair, he looks like a shorter version of the dead Jedi master Qui-gon. They are standing outside of neD llyR. Obi-wan Why did you dress as my master? Ham Oh, come on. We both know he frequented this place. Obi-wan Don�t talk nonsense about my master. Ham It�s not nonsense, it�s the truth. Obi-wan Whatever. C�mon inside. They walk back inside, and up to the counter. Obi-wan Try not to be so stupid this time Ham Okay. The Rodian Employee walks up to them. Rodian May I help you, gentle beings. Ham Yes, yes you may. We�re looking to buy some drugs. Preferably illegal ones. Obi-wan You moron! Rodian Hey, fellow Rodian, how do you talk without moving your snout? Obi-wan Uh� I�m a ventriloquist. Rodian Really? Wizard! Can you hypnotize me? Obi-wan No, you moron! I�m a Ventriloquist! They don�t hypnotize people. Rodian Oh, you meant a Ventriloquist. You�re an animal doctor. Obi-wan sighs. Rodian Lawyer? No? Bureaucrat? You work in the senate, maybe? No? Smuggler? Hippie? Playwright? Obi-wan No, you moron, I work with puppets. That�s why I don�t use my snout! Rodian Oh. Okay. What kind of drugs do you want? Obi-wan What�s the best stuff ya got? Rodian Sticks. Ham Death Sticks? Rodian No, you wookiee kisser, life sticks. Of course I mean death sticks! Ham Oh. Okay. Obi-wan pays for the sticks, and the Rodian gives him the death sticks. Rodian Hey, you, hippie kid. Don�t I know you from somewhere? Ham (whispering) kriff. (Trying to act tough) Uh, yeah, probably from a wanted poster. Rodian Nyah, you remind me of an old customer. Qui-gon. You know him? Ham Sure, he�s my, uh, uncle. Rodian Oh yeah? I met his apprentice today, too. What a coincidence, huh? Ham (shaking) Y-yeah. Rodian You two wanna see what Qui-gon�s favorite was? Obi-wan Uh, well, we�re actually in kind of a hurry. We, uh, need to smoke these death sticks. Rodian Why in the nine Coreillian hells would you want to smoke death sticks? Obi-wan You know what I mean. Rodian Well, If you�re REALLY are looking for a good time, you�ll come with me. It�s just one of those pointless arcade games that we have here for no reason. Obi-wan Uh, well, okay. The Rodian leads them into a small, dark room, there an arcade-thingy there, along with some kind of air vents, and a small window. Ham Cool, what kind of high-tech game is this? The Rodian turns it on. Ham What. The. Kriff!?!?! It�s just Pong! Pong! The oldest game in the galaxy! Rodian Wait until the oxyryll kicks in. Obi-wan Oxiryll? Rodian Yeah, small pieces of ryll get pumped in through the vent. Qui-gon loved the stuff. Obi-wan Okay. The Rodian flicks a switch and leaves the room. Obi-wan takes off his mask and ham removes his wig. Suddenly, little flaky pieces of ryll start coming from the vents. Obi-wan What are we gonna do? I don�t wanna get high! Ham Why not? Obi-wan Shut up. We gotta think of a way out of this. Ham Heeeeeeeeeeeey. This pong looks kinda cool. Obi-wan Ahhhh!!! I hate flying! Ham You know what? We didn�t need the disguise? We could�ve just used a mind trick. Obi-wan and Ham start laughing hysterically. Obi-wan falls over and hits a switch. Obi-wan gets off the floor as if he were just waking up. Ham looks kind of dazed. Ham Oookay. I never wanna do that again. Obi-wan Agreed. We have our evidence, let�s go bust this punk. Ham Sure. Obi-wan turns to go, but first he looks out the window. Heading towards them is an airspeeder, going at full speed. Behind it several judicial units follow in pursuit. As the airspeeder comes closer, he realizes who�s driving it. Anakin. Obi-wan What in blazes is he doing? Ham looks out the window. Ham Son of a kriffer. Bang. In the wreckage of the crash, Anakin and Obi-wan manage to pull themselves out of the wreckage. Anakin sniffs the air. Anakin Master, this place smells like Qui-gon used to. Obi-wan (Blushing) yeah, I suppose it does. Two of the judicials pull themselves from the wreckage. One of them sniff the air. Judicial #1 Hey, remember that crazy old Jedi? Qui-gon or whatever? Judicial #2 Yeah? Judicial #1 This place kind of smells like him. Obi-wan (blushing) hehe. Yeah. Sure. Cradossk and Ham manage to pull their selves from the wreckage. Cradossk sniffs the air. Cradossk Hey, you know what this place smells like? Obi-wan We know! We know! My old master, Qui-gon! Cradossk What? No! Smells like that senator chick. Mon Mothma. Obi-wan No kidding? Suddenly, a pile of rubble floats from the building and falls into the abyss that is Coruscant. From the pile emerges� Yoda and Palpatine! Yoda Okay, okay. Kriffing no way is there that you�re a lord of the sith. Palpitane Yeah. I told you death sticks were good. A pile of rubble suddenly hits the ground and makes a weird sound. Palpitane Ahh! I dropped my keys. Yoda picks up his commlink Yoda Hello? Ham Are they�.? Obi-wan Looks like it. Anakin What about you two? Obi-wan No, we were here trying to make a drug bust. Who�s your friend? With the human hands? Palpy and Yoda suddenly realize where they are. Anakin My pilots� ed teacher. He doesn�t have a license either. Looks like I won�t ever be able to fly again. Obi-wan I�m sorry. Palpatine Hey, Obi-wan. I�ll make you a deal. I�ll get a friend of mine to make sure you get a license. Provided that in your reports you �forget� to mention Yoda and me were here. Obi-wan Okay. Palpitane I love bureaucracy. Ham What about me? Palpatine I�ll make sure your story gets published. Yoda And I�ll find you a new master. Ham Deal! Emergency crews begin to arrive and help everyone get out of the rubble. Yoda Took you so long to get here, why? Emergency crew guy We thought you said you were in the KraokarokaorCapebreTonkveoernia sector, not here in the KraokarokaorCanadakveoernian sector. Palpatine Hey, Yoda, remember when I dropped my keys and you thought your comlink was beeping? Yoda and Palpy start laughing hysterically. Epilogue In the end, Anakin did get a drivers license. The Rodian was sent to the spice mines of Kessel, where he would find spice, instead of selling it. Palpatine and Yoda were left off of the official reports, and Anakin was officially pardoned by the ol� palpster. Ham went with Yoda and became apprenticed to Mace Windu, Jedi Master. Cradossk went on to become a holo-actor. The two judicials went on to join the empire, in later years, and were the two morons who didn�t fire at 3P0 and R2 in their escape pod going to Tatooine. Ironic that Anakin Skywalker beat them up. And Obi-wan? He had another conversation with his former self. Young Ben Yeah? You mean Anakin got off free? Lucky guy. Obi-wan Yeah. Hey, what was all that bantha fodder you gave me about Qui-gon not being dead? Young Ben Who knows? I just felt like teasing you. Obi-wan Whatever. The doorbell chimes in Obi-wan�s quarters. Obi-wan You�d better go now. Whoever it is will think I�m crazy Young Ben You are. Obi-wan Whatever. Leave. Young Ben leaves. Obi-Wan Come in! Ham walks through the door. Ham Guess what? Obi-wan What? Ham Gun-ray books have published my story. Although I�ve expanded on it. It�s more violent and sexy now. Obi-wan They published that piece of fodder? Ham Yup. Want me to read you the new story? Obi-wan Not really. Ham Okay, here goes. Ham pulls out his datapad. Ham (reading) Once upon a time there were two sexy and violent twi�leks, who went into the dessert. They did sexy and violent things to each other. Every day they became more nude, and more sexy. Obi-wan (mocking enthusiasm) Oh, boy� Ham Anyways, one day they went and found a mine shaft. �Let�s go down this mine shaft and do sexy and violent things to each other,� said one of the sexy and violent twi�leks. And they went down into the mine. It was a lommite Ore Mine. They did sexy and violent things down there. So violent, that they got the lommite ore dust all over themselves. And so violent, that they became black and blue, the color of lommite ore. Obi-wan Great story. Can we end this script now? Ham Nope. I�m not done. Anyways, a miner - whose character is loosely based upon myself - Found the sexy and violent twi�leks. He confused them with pieces of lommite ore and so he grabbed the two sexy and violent twi-leks and threw them onto the conveyor belt. He never saw them again. Ham tries not to cry as he turns off his datapad and puts it away. Ham Now it�s a sad, sexy and violent story. Obi-wan And boring. Ham And boring. Obi-wan Can we end this story now? Ham Sure. The End |
| Dramatis Personae Obi-wan - male human (Jedi knight and Anakin�s mentor) Anakin Skywalker � male human (16 year old Jedi Padawan) Ham Sandwich - male Human (16 year old Jedi Padawan) Cradossk � Male Trandoshan (Driver�s Ed teacher) Yoda � male *species unknown* (Senior member on the Jedi Council) Cookie Monster � Male *species unknown (probably the same as Yoda)* (Yoda�s mysterious friend) Young Ben � Male Human (the younger version of Obi-wan, before the dark times, before the beard) Palpatine - male human (Sith lord and Supreme Chancellor of the Republic) Judicials � male humans (police men of the GFFA) R.P. � male *species unknown* (dead Jedi Master) Rodian - the single employee ay neD llyR |
| The Profusely Purple Piloting and Panicking script without Picnicking. |
| by AT-ST Driver with help from Grand Adm... I mean, uh Hoth Rebel Trooper |