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| Scripts |
| Yucky Spam and Hoover Dam, It�s the Incredibly Accurate Script About Ham By Grand Adm� I mean, uh Hoth Rebel Trooper (with lots of help from Jessica. Thanks, Jess!) After his super-cool bald master, Mace Windu was killed in a brutal mime beating, young Jedi Padawan, Ham Sandwich escapes to Naboo to spend some quality time with himself on the beach. Little does he know that another young padawan is also spending some quality time� but not by himself� Ham Sandwich (talking to himself) Ah, I love just sitting on the beach spending quality time, don�t you? Ham Sandwich Oh, yes I do! It�s such a nice day out. Ham Sandwich I agree NEARBY Anakin Padme, can you stop passionately kissing me for just a second. I think I recognize that guy over there� Padme Who cares? Oh, Anakin, I love you. Truly. Deeply. Anakin Whatever. Padme This honeymoon is so perfect, Anakin. I couldn�t ask for more. Anakin Jeese, do you EVER shut up?! Padme Oh, Anakin, your ponytail is so perfect� but is it invincible? I only wish it could be so� Anakin gets up, dismissing Padme, and walks over to Ham Sandwich Ham (talking to himself) Well, you�re making a simplistic generalization that won�t hold� Anakin (loudly) Do I know you? Ham jumps in his seat and sends sand flying everywhere Ham Ahh!! What!? Ahh! Don�t SCARE me like that! For cryin� out LOUD! Anakin Jeese, sorry! I just noticed that you looked familiar, and I was wondering if I knew you. Ham Uh� I�m� I�m Ham. Anakin Oh YEAH! Haha! The Sandwich kid! I remember you from Jedi training! Ham Oh hi. You�re Anakin, right? Anakin That�s my name, don�t wear it out. Ham That�s incredibly clich� Anakin Okay, so what are you up to? Ham Oh, nothing much. Just hanging out on the beach. Uh� don�t tell the council that I�m here. I ran away. Anakin Yeah, so did I�. Hey, is it a girl? Ham Is� is what a girl? Anakin Ah, it�s a girl, isn�t it! You ran away for a girl. Anakin winks at Ham Ham Whuh� why are you� winking? Only pretty waitresses wink at me� Anakin Don�t worry, my friend, I�m here for the SAME reason. Ham I� I really can�t understand what reason that could be. Anakin Check her out, that�s my wife. Anakin points to Padme Ham Oh� wow. You lucky kriffer. Anakin So where�s yours? Ham Um� Ham looks around, panicked Ham She�s� she�s� over there! Ham points blindly in a direction, only to realize he is pointing at a giant lizard Anakin You� you married a lizard. Bossk Hi! I�m Bossk! Who is you?! Anakin You married� a stupid� lizard. I can�t kriffin� believe it. Ham Ah! No! That�s not her! She�s on Theed! And I�m not saying this just to look better than you or anything, she really is there. Though, she�s not my wife. Just my ex-girlfriend. Her name is Cheese. Anakin Cheese, huh� you know, if you married her� Ham I KNOW! Ham and Cheese Sandwich! I get it! Okay?! Bossk Haha! I get it too! And I NEVER get jokes� like the one about the chicken. Man! That one just puzzles me! Anakin I�m bored with Padme. Let�s all go to Theed and find Cheese! Ham Um� okay. Should we take the lizard? Anakin Sure, I don�t see why not. He usually makes these scripts funny. Bossk But wait! I can�t go yet! I need to find my top! Anakin Oh, don�t worry, Bossk. You won�t find it here. This is a topless beach. Bossk Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh. So the three of them set off to the city of Theed on a quest to find Cheese. And what better place to find Cheese than the local grocery store� because� she works there, of course. Ham I� I don�t know, Anakin. I haven�t seen her in years. What� what if she doesn�t recognize me? Anakin Ah, how could someone forget a face like that? And I� and I mean that in the, uh, nicest way possible. Ham Err� maybe we should just go back to the beach. Your wife must be wondering where you are� Anakin Hey, don�t worry about it. I�m trying to help you out here, bud! Just let me do my magic and you�ll be married in no time. Bossk Can I have the honor of asking the manager where to find her? Anakin Sure, Bossk. Knock yourself out. *smack!* Anakin Not� literally. Ham Wow. And I thought� and I thought I was stupid. Bossk Uhh� I�m okay! Should I try again? I didn�t knock myself out� Anakin Bossk, just ask the manager. Bossk Okay. I�ll be riiiight back� Bossk leaves to go find the manager Ham Do you think he�s going to mess it up? Anakin Oh, I know EXACTLY what�s going to happen. Ham Whuh� what�s he gonna do? Anakin Well, think about it. This is a grocery store. Ham Huh? What difference does that make? Anakin Here he comes� watch this� Bossk I asked him! He says Cheese is in aisle seven! Ham Then� then let�s go. I� guess. Anakin I have a strange suspicion that aisle seven is the dairy isle� AISLE SEVEN Stock Boy Hello, and welcome to beautiful Aisle Seven! Here, dairy products are vibrant and flowing. Would any of you like a map of the Aisle? Anakin �Dairy products are vibrant and flowing?� Wow, I hope they pay you more than minimum wage Stock Boy *sigh* Life is sad. Bossk Is there a Cheese in this Aisle? Stock Boy Why, I�m glad you asked, my reptilian friend! Aisle Seven is the best place to find a wide variety of cheeses. From the rare Alderaanian Moldcheese, to the more common Corellian Cheese Whiz. Each species has a separate aroma and taste, making this the ultimate place in cheesedom. Anakin This isn�t going to work, Ham. What�s her last name? Ham Um� Rye. Her last name is Rye. Anakin (to stock boy) Listen, we�re going to avoid any more cheesy jokes so we can just get this thing over with. What we�re trying to ask is if a girl by the name of Cheese Rye works here. Stock Boy Oh! Cheese! Yeah, she works at Seafood! Anakin Alright, onward! Ham Th� thanks, Stock Boy. Stock Boy No problem! Make sure to visit the Aisle Seven gift shop on your way out! Bossk Hey� stock guy? Stock Boy Yes, my scaly friend? Bossk Is there a� a toy aisle?� Leaving Bossk behind, Ham and Anakin set off to the seafood section. Ham spots Cheese, but hides behind the lobster tank because he�s scared. Anakin C�mon! Don�t ham things up here! This is your chance! Don�t be a chicken. Ham I�m� I�m not a chicken� ham is the other white meat� Anakin That�s the spirit! Now go out there and talk to her! Ham I� I need to go to the bathroom. Anakin What an excuse! C�mon! Ham No, you don�t understand� I� I REALLY need to go to the bathroom. Anakin Oh. Okay, well, we can make it through this. Um� I�ll ask Cheese where it is, okay? You stay here and listen� Anakin approaches Cheese Cheese Can I help you? Anakin Hi, my name�s Anakin. I�m a Jedi. Cheese A real life Jedi! Wow! My ex-boyfriend left to be a Jedi. Anakin He left you? That� that lowdown Sithspawn Cheese Oh, haha, no, I dumped him. He�s so� awkward. Ham (in distance) Arghh! Cheese What was that? Anakin Oh, probably just the lobsters. They do that, you know. I�m an expert at sea creatures� and swamp creatures� Cheese Oh really? I love sea creatures! In fact, I got this button from the Naboo Sea and Swamp Organization Anakin Oh really? I didn�t even notice it! That�s a very nice button. Ham Ah, Ehem!! Anakin Oh, right. I was wondering where your bathroom might be. Cheese Oh, our bathroom is for employees only. I�m sorry. Anakin Oh, now don�t you think you can make a special exception. You know, for me? Anakin winks Cheese Weeell� I suppose I could. Okay, let me show you where it is. Anakin Sounds delightful Cheese leads Anakin into a door marked �Employees Only� and they disappear Ham What the KRIFF!!?! Ahh! What is his PROBlem?! MEANWHILE IN THE TOY AISLE Bossk has arrived at the toy aisle and is now standing with is mouth open in awe, staring at a top that looks exactly like the one Obi-wan had destroyed. To his utter horror, a little girl steps in front of him and snatches the top from the shelf. Bossk Hey! That�s mine! Little Girl I saw it first! Bossk But I�ve been searching for it for years! Give it! Little Girl I need it for my collection, you big� ugly lizard! Bossk Uh� You�re the one who�s ugly! Those pigtails SO don�t work for you. Now give it! Bossk grabs the top, but the little girl continues to keep a grip on it. They start pulling it back and forth Bossk Mine! Little Girl Mine! Bossk Mine! Little Girl Mine! Or I�ll get my aunty to taxidermize you! Bossk Oh I�m so scared! Little Girl My aunt is the Queen! Bossk Yeah right! I�ve learned not to trust people when they� uh� lie! The little girl manages to take the top away from Bossk, and starts running away. Bossk chases after her. Bossk Hey! Give it BACK! I�m gonna KILL you!! Little Girl Ahhhhhhh! The lizard is threatening me!! Somebody help!! Bossk continues to chase the little girl through the grocery store until she stops and hides behind a woman dressed in very expensive robes and lots of white make-up. Little Girl Aunty! Aunty! He�s trying to kill me! He wants my top! I saw it first! Queen Jamillia What is the meaning of this!? Bossk She stole my top! That�s my top! Little Girl You�re nothing but a cranky old reptile! Bossk Them�s fighting words, little girl� MEANWHILE BACK AT SEAFOOD In utter rage and a full bladder, Ham Sandwich has set up a trap for Anakin. He has carefully organized all of the Lobsters outside of the Employee�s Only door, and has cut off all of their rubber bands, to make them capable of pinching. He now hides behind the tank. He hears the door open� *snap! Snap snap! Snap snap! OWW!* Ham leaps from behind the tank Ham Haha! That�s payback, you selfish, lowdown� CHEESE?! Cheese Ah� ow� Ham kneels to her side Ham Cheese! I�m so sorry! I thought Anakin would come out first! Cheese Ow� Anakin�s in the bathroom� you moron� Ham Are you going to be okay?! Cheese I� I� *cough* Ham Cheese? Cheese!? CHEESE! Stock Boy (in the distance) Aisle Seven! Ham No, Cheese, please. Please, cheese. I�m on my knees, cheese. Don�t die. Ham begins to cry and rests his head on hers. Anakin walks in. Anakin Hey, look! It�s Ham on Rye! Haha, haha! Ah� whoa. Is she okay? Anakin notices all of the cuts on her body. Anakin Who cut the Cheese? Haha! Ha!.. Ah, sorry. Not funny. Ham She�s DEAD, Anakin and it�s all my fault! I put the lobsters out thinking they would kill you instead! Anakin Hmm. Well, you might have taken into consideration that I was the one in the bathroom. Ham I REALIZE that, okay?! *sniff* I can�t believe she�s dead. Anakin Well, there could be a chance to save her. I�ve been practicing on puppets, but it might work on a real person� Ham *sniff* Really? Anakin takes out his puppet repair kit and starts to work. Bossk Uh� guys� Anakin Not now Bossk, I�m extremely busy. Bossk Uh� we�ve got a problem. Anakin Just spit it out, Bossk. *haw-towie!* Anakin Bossk, you need to learn some expressions. What is it? Bossk Oh, that was a marble. I have a bad habit of putting those in my mouth. Anakin No! Not what you spit out! What�s the problem? Bossk Uh� you know that top Obi-wan stole from me? Well� uh, I found one just like it, see? Anakin THAT�S what you desperately needed to tell us? Ham I have to admit� that is a nice top. Bossk Well, the problem is that I had to take it from a little girl. Uh� and my Trandosian instincts kind of kicked in� Anakin You beat up a little girl!?! Bossk Uh� to put it lightly, yeah. Anakin Holy Sith! Did anybody SEE you?! Bossk Uh, yeah� her aunt. Anakin Her aunt!? Bossk Who� uh, may or may not be the Queen of Naboo� Heh. Anakin Queen Jamillia?! Where is she now?! Bossk Uh� well� I beat her up, too. Anakin You IDIOT! We�re SCREWED!! Let�s get out of here! Ham Wait! You haven�t fixed Cheese yet! Anakin There�s no time! Palace security�ll be here in minutes! Ham Well we have to do SOMEthing! Bossk Uh� put her in a shopping cart! Here�s one! It has various items in it, but that�s okay, uh� right? Anakin Let�s just put her on top of all the stuff! Hurry! Anakin and Ham carefully lift Cheese�s body and place it into the shopping cart. The rush to the checkout counters only to find that each lane has a huge line, except for one, which is blocked by an old lady with an enormous amount of food� Bossk Look! That lane only has one person in it! Anakin That�s probably a bad thing, but let�s see if she�ll move out of the way� They approach the old lady who is slowly loading food onto the conveyor belt Ham Uh.. ma�am�. Ma�am?� She�s not responding. You talk to her. Anakin Ma�am?! Old Lady Eh?! Anakin (loudly) Ma�am, we would like to get by please! Old Lady Eh?!? Bossk We wanna get by!! Old Lady EH?!?! Ham Why is she so SLOW?! Look at that! It took her five minutes to put that box of Bantha Droppings on the belt! Anakin Bantha Droppings?! That�s disgusting. Ham Huh? It�s just a cereal. Why, what�s wrong with Bantha Droppings? I used to eat it all the time as a kid. Anakin Do you even know what a Bantha is? Or a dropping for that matter? Ham Well� isn�t it a furry teddy bear? And aren�t droppings seats? Anakin No, those are Ewok Butts. Different cereal. Good cereal, though. Bossk Uh� you guys? Palace security is coming. We need to get outta here! Ham For crying out loud, why don�t they just make a lane for people with only a few� items� Ham and Anakin and Bossk (in unison) The Express Lane! They rush their cart to the Express Lane to be stopped by the cashier. Cashier Do you have your Savings Card? Bossk We don�t have TIME for savings! Cashier Uh-oh� can�t you read? Bossk Uh� maybe those two can. Cashier I�m sorry, guys, but the sign says �10 items or less.� You�ve got eleven. Anakin What?! How can you count the items?! They�re under a dead body! Cashier This is a Star Wars grocery store. You�d think we�d have technology that could count the items, hmm? Ham Aw, kriff! What�re we gonna do?! Anakin Well, the only item that we can throw out in time is� the top. Bossk What?! No!! I beat up a little girl for this top! I�m not giving it up! Cashier Look, are you gonna get rid of an item, or what? Bossk I�d rather DIE than get rid of my top! It means everything to me! Do you even KNOW how much suffering I have gone through? Do you KNOW?! Every night for the past three years I have cried myself to sleep, thinking of my top. I have torn up pictures of Obi-wan and BURNT them! I even created a Voodoo doll of him and stuck pins in it! I need this top, and NOTHING will stop me! This top is my life! Ham It�s� it�s just a top. Bossk Huh. Yeah, I guess you�re right. Bossk tosses the top behind him. Bossk Now let�s get outta here! Cashier That�ll be 2234.50. Anakin What?! I don�t carry around that kind of money! What�s IN here? Ham Anakin! We don�t have time! Cashier Would you like paper or plastic? Ham We�ve gotta go!! Anakin But we don�t have any money! Bossk Hey� wait a minute. I just thought of something� Anakin Well there�s a change Bossk Aren�t you guys Jedies? Anakin and Ham stare blankly Anakin Oh yeah. The Force. Forgot about that. Anakin uses the Force to push the Cashier onto the floor Cashier Hey! You broke my nametag!! The three of them run out of the store with the shopping cart, only to become surrounded by palace security. Ham Oh� oh, no. Security Guard You three are under arrest for assault and battery, murder, and worst of all, shoplifting. You have the right to remain silent. Anything to say and/or do definitely will be used against you. Ham Uh� should we do some Jedi trick now? Anakin Naw, let�s just get arrested. It might make a funny jail script�. Um, Bossk? Bossk Huh? Anakin You�ve got a lobster on your butt. Bossk *sigh* I know. THE END |