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| Scripts |
| Get Ready, Get Set, Buy a Death Squirrel as Your Pet, It�s the Script About Young Boba Fett by Grand Adm... I mean, uh Hoth Rebel Trooper with lots of help from AT-ST Driver (Thank you a million thank yous, AT) And so, this time, I have watched the movie. Again. In real life. And I must say, it was entirely different from the version I saw with my time machine! Well, they sure did a lot of editing! Well, anyway� let�s just call it all an �alternate reality.� Right. Yeah, so, the young Boba Fett is now in the arena on Geonosis, watching as his father is attempting to defeat Mace Windu� Palpatine Have no fear, young Bubba, I assure you your father will be quite al� oh dear Boba Dad! No! You can fix chopped-off heads, right mate? Palpatine I�m afraid not... Wait, what am I doing here? Dooku Uh� I�m supposed to be here, not you. Palpatine Oh, that�s right, Count Dooku. One thousand apologies� I love Democracy. Palpatine exits Boba What about me dad?! Dooku Well, we can always make a clone� Boba But you did make a clone! Several, I believe. Nute Gunray It SEEms the boy has one mill-ION fathers. Boba Aye! The purple light-stick mate, he�s gettin� away! Nute Gunray Why do-you talk in such an outRAgeous ac-cent? Boba and Dooku stop and stare at Nute Gunray Nute Gunray What? Is-it something� I SAID? Boba (ignoring Nute) I gotta go save me dad! Dooku Boba, I�m afraid there�s not much we can do. I suppose we could attach his head to a battle droid. But he wouldn�t be the father you knew. In fact, the thought is rather sickening. Boba Then I gotta go kill the purple Jedi saber-light bald mate! Nute Gunray I SAY! This boy�s way-OF speaking is UB-surd. Boba and Dooku stop and stare at Nute Gunray Dooku (ignoring Nute) You must do what you feel is right, of course Boba ponders this for a moment, then exits Nute Gunray I tell you, this GALaxCY is filled with cowARDS and-fools who speak in strange ac-cents and wear silly-dresses and are used as-simple pawns in some poli-tiTIONS ploy to take-over-the GA-laxy. Dooku You�re so right Meanwhile, in the center on the arena, Boba Fett kneels to his father�s head in sad remorse. Boba I can�t believe me dad�s bloody dead, mate! Jango�s Head That�s because I�m not! Boba drops the head Jango�s Head Ow! Boba Crimey! Me dad�s head talks! Jango�s Head Excellent deduction, son. Now help me up! Boba Oh right! Sorry �bout that. Jango�s Head Hurry, get me to the bloody ship! Boba Right. Boba picks up his father�s head and they run off towards Slave I Boba Now, don�t be takin� any offence� but why aren�t you dead, dad? Jango�s Head It seems the lightsaber cut just below my neck� I had a heart installed in my neck� just incase Boba That�s bloody disgusting, mate! Jango�s Head That�s what your mother said. So I killed her. Boba Me mum?! Dad, I thought I was a bloody clone! Jango�s Head You are a clone. I�m your mother� as well as your father. Boba You�re getting� delusional, dad. I gotta get you to an �ospital! Boba and Jango�s head enter the ship. Slave I blasts off� LATER ON Jedi Master Mace Windu celebrates his victory on Geonosis by inviting all the Jedi to come see him perform his new musical number in the Crazy Eight Motel on Coruscant�. Past Obi-wan This place reminds me of Padme� I wonder where she is right now� Yoda Shush, you will! To hear this song, I want! Past Obi-wan Well, it�s just that she and Anakin left for Naboo, and I�m worried that� Yoda Shhh! It�s starting! Mace Windu (singing) Who's the second baddest Jedi tossing that poor Jango�s head by? Backup singers Mace! Mace Windu You're kriffin� right Who caught on fire, deflecting bolts with his purple lighter? Backup singers Mace! Mace Windu Can ya dig it? Who's the man that won't back out when there's battle droids all about Backup singers Mace! Mace Windu Right on You see this cat Mace is a bad Yoda� Backup singers Shut your mouth! Mace Windu But I'm talkin' about Mace Backup singers Then we can dig it Mace Windu He's the wisest man but he just can�t understand that Anakin Backup singers Mace Windu The song ends and there are cheers and claps from the crowd. Yoda Very good, that was! Talented, you are! Mace Thank you. It�s always fun to sit back and be full of myself. Yoda As well it should be! You are truly gifted in the art of being full of it. Mace Thank you, Master Yoda. SOME Jedi are depressed because they have extremely low self-esteem� and ponytails. Past Obi-wan Hey! He can�t SAY that! Yoda Mace, I have found a new Padawan for you. Mace A new Padawan? Yoda No, a sandwich. Mace What kind of sandwich? Past Obi-wan Ha ha! Did you see that master Yoda?! He actually took you� Yoda Ham. Mace Ham? Past Obi-wan What?! Yoda Your new Padawan is a sandwich named �Ham.� Mace His last name is �Sandwich.� His first name is �Ham.� Yoda That is correct. Past Obi-wan That is pathetic. Yoda You will meet this Ham Sandwich� *Obi-wan starts laughing* Yoda What? Past Obi-wan Ha, uh� sorry. *chuckles* Yoda As I was saying� you will meet this Ham Sandwich at the Monkey-Lizard Diner. He�ll be waiting for you outside� Past Obi-wan Monkey-Lizard?!! Ha ha! LATER Ham Sandwich, the young human Jedi padawan, waits outside the Monkey-Lizard Diner for his new master, whose arrival, Yoda had promised. He is growing more and more impatient and anxious as two mimes approach him and start pretending to be trapped in a box. Mace Windu arrives� Mace Are you� Ham Sandwich? Ham Sandwich (nervously) Ye�Yeah� Mace I�m your new Master. Ham Sandwich That� that�s great. Mace What�s wrong? Ham The� them! *Mace looks at the mimes.* Mace Pay no attention to the mimes. Ham But they�re FREAKIN� me OUT! Mace Let�s go into the diner� Ham Lo�Look at them! They�re pullin� a rope!� Now they�re in the wind! And there�s no wind! Why?! WHY?! *Ham starts crying* Ham �I want to KILL them! Mace Now, my young Ham, a mime is a terrible thing to waste. C�mon Ham, let�s go into the diner Mace and Ham enter the diner. The place is bustling with all sorts of scrupulous characters and disgruntled postal workers. Chefs scurry about to prepare Monkey-Lizard meals even though they are low on Monkey-Lizard. The two Jedi sit down at a booth. A human waitress appears, clad in a Monkey-Lizard-hide skirt. Ham (to waitress) You� you�re� not ugly. Waitress Uh� Thanks. What�ll it be, hun? Ham Oh� m-my name�s not �Hun.� It�s Ham Sandwich. Waitress Uh� we don�t serve ham. Ham But� it�s just a name. Waitress I�m sorry, we just don�t serve ham. Ham But� why can�t I be served? I didn�t pick my name! My parents had a sick sense of humor! They didn�t even give me their last name! They changed mine just to be funny! But it�s� it�s NOT funny! Sometimes I wanna take my lightsaber and� *Mace slaps Ham across the face* Mace Get some sense, boy! Ham Ow�that hurt me� *starts crying* Waitress Uh� Mace We�ll both have the Monkey-Lizard stew. Ham But I HATE Monkey� Mace Shut up! Waitress Alright, two Monkey-Lizard stews� As the waitress walks away, she winks at Mace and/or Ham. Ham Did you see that?! I think she likes me. Mace Ha ha!� Oh, puh-lease! She was winkin�� at me. Ham You? C�mon! You�re bald! Mace I�m kriffin� gorgeous. Ham Ha, I�ve got a ponytail. Nothing beats a ponytail. Obi-wan says� Mace Obi-wan�s a retard. Ham Well, if Obi-wan�s a retard, then what does that make� uh, you? Mace I�m not even going to answer that. OUTSIDE THE DINER Boba Fett, accompanied by his father�s head and a Kowakian Monkey-Lizard by the name of Salacious Crumb, are preparing to enter the diner in which they think Mace Windu is eating. They bump into a group of mimes. Crumb Ahhh, ha hah ha ha! Mimes! Boba Crimey! Look at �em go! Jango�s Head Boba! Please, we don�t have mime for times� I mean, time for mimes. Boba Dad! You�re getting weird again. Is there enough blood in your bloody brain? Jango�s Head Boba! Just carry me into the diner. And don�t lose our friend. We�ll need �im later. Boba Alright, c�mon Crumb-bum, time for some barby. Let�s get some eats, mate. Crumb Ha haha ha! I like food! Boba, Jango�s Head, and Salacious Crumb enter the diner and a take a seat. Waitress What�ll it be, fellers? Boba Crimey, you�re bloody pretty! Waitress Uh� thanks. Jango�s Head Boba! There�s no time for your teenage urges. Boba Ah, what would you know about urges? You�re just a head! Crumb Ahhhhh, hah ha ha ha! A head! Jango�s Head Shut up! I�m more man than you�ll ever be. Waitress Would you like a highchair, mister head? Crumb Ahhhh, ha haha ha! Highchair! Haha! Jango�s Head (through clenched teeth) No thank you, I�ll be just fine. Boba Aye, he�ll have a highchair! Waitress Alright, hun. The waitress grabs a highchair and places Jango�s Head on it. Crumb Ahhhhhh, hahaha ha ha! Boba Dad, you look bloody ridiculous. Ha ha! Jango�s Head I swear� if I still had my torso and limbs� Waitress Can I take yous� orders? Boba Only if you listen to me theme song! Waitress Uh� alright. Boba (singing) Teenage Boba, it's not bad breath, it's his flamethrower! Teenage Boba, he's not hot, it's his flamethrower! Waitress Okay� So what�s your order? Jango�s Head He�ll have the most poisonous thing on the menu. Waitress Alright, one Suflet� and you, uh, head? Jango�s Head Stew. Waitress Alright, so what�ll it be, Stu? Jango�s Head Yes, stew. Waitress And what�s your order? Jango�s Head Stew!! Waitress Stew for Stu� alright. And for the� uh, thing? Crumb Stew! Ha ha! Waitress Two Stu�s. How about that. Jango�s Head Sounds good. Waitress So what�s your order, Stu number two? Crumb Stew!!! Waitress Alright, two stews for two Stu�s. Don�t see that every day. I�ll be back with yous� orders later. The waitress exits Jango�s Head (whispering) Alright, listen� Mace Windu is sitting on the other side of the diner Boba Purple stick mate!! I�m gonna kill �im! Jango�s Head Shhh! Quiet! We gotta sneak up on �im and put this bug in �is food. Jango reveals a bug that he was keeping safe in his mouth Boba Dad! That�s bloody disgusting! Jango�s Head Crumb, I need you to walk over and tell them you wish to retrieve the remains of your brother from the bald one�s stew. Crumb Ahhhhh! Haha! He�s gonna eat a bug. Jango�s Head Only if you don�t kriff up. Now go! Crumb slowly makes his way to the Jedi� Ham �What�re you saying? Are you saying I�ll never get a girlfriend? I�ve had plenty! Mace Oh, really? Like who? Ham Well� her name was Cheese� Mace Ha ha! Ha! If you had married her� ha ha, you would have been Ham and Cheese Sandwich. Ha ha! Ham Shut up! Crumb Ahhhhhhhh, Hi!! Jango said� I, uh� ha ha, I�m looking for my brother�s remains in your soup. Ham My soup? Crumb Uh� yeah! Let me just look at it� Ham presents the stew to Crumb, who secretly places the bug in it. Crumb Ahhhhhhhhh, haha hah ha! There�s a bug in your soup! Ha ha! Ham Ewww! He�s right!�. Waitress! Mace You fool! HE put the bug in� Jango�s Head You totally KRIFFED it up, you poodoo-smelling rat-fink! Crumb Hey, it�s not my fault I�m stupid! Jango�s Head Boba! Just bloody shoot �im! Boba My bloody pleasure, dad. Boba Fett rises from his chair firing his blasters into the diner. Postal workers intercept some of the blaster bolts while Mace and Ham make a quick exit. Boba Hey! Purple bald-stick light mate saber! Come back! I didn�t kill you yet! Crimey! OUTSIDE THE DINER Mace and Ham leap from the blaster-bolt infested diner into the outside crowds. Ham makes a quick run for it, but he looks behind himself to find that his new master is trapped. The mimes have cornered the Jedi Master and have concealed him in an invisible box. They take out nonexistent blasters and start shooting him apart. Some of them proceed to stab him with vibro-blades that aren�t really there. Mace Go on� with out me� you� idiot� Ham NOOOOOO! They�re MIMING him to death!!! AHHHHHH!! Ham watches in utter horror as the final mime-bolt hits Mace in the bald forehead. He falls to his knees, dead, leaning, his head pressed against the invisible box. Ham runs away like a coward, crying and scarred for life. Boba, Jango�s Head, and Salacious Crumb enter the street. Crumb is eating some stew. Boba Ah, bloody �ell, I wanted to kill �im! Crumb Ahhhhhhhh, haha ha! He�s in a mime box! Jango�s Head You realize you�re eating Monkey-Lizard, don�t you? Crumb Ha ha� ha� what? Boba Crimey! You�re a bloody cannibal! Crumb I didn�t know it was� oh� kriff� Crumb vomits all over the mimes. They take out fake Kleenexes and wipe themselves. Jango�s Head Ha ha ha! Ha ha! Who�s laughing NOW, rat-fink! THE END |