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| Scripts |
| When You�re at the Mosque, See the Kiosk, It�s the New, Very True, Script about Bossk by Grand Adm... I mean, uh Hoth Rebel Trooper (with TONS of help from Jaina Solo! Thanks a million!) Taking into account his sudden lack of top, Bossk sets out to find that culprit of whom he despises so much, Obi-wan Kenobi. Unwilling and basically mentally unable to take on such a task, he visits another fiend of Obi-wan�s� That angstful, stubborn, drug-addicted, Vested Teen. Vested Teen Now let me get this straight� you want me to help you find your missing top Bossk Uh� yeah. Why? What did I say? Vested Teen That IS what you said. Bossk Oh! Then, yeah. I want my top back. Vested Teen How much are you willing to pay me? Bossk Uh� my daddy�s leader of the Bounty Hunter�s guild. So� uh, nothing. Vested Teen Nothing? I need money. That�s all I care about� besides revenge, sweet revenge. Bossk My daddy says revenge will be your undoing if you yourself� uh� likes it. Vested Teen Oh, puh-lease. Who�s ever gonna want revenge on me? No one! Bossk I dunno. Let me call my daddy. Bossk dials him comlink Vested Teen To ask how much he�ll be paying me? Bossk Huh? Uh, no. To ask what the dangers of these aggressive feelings you are having are� Cradossk (on comlink) Hello? Bossk Oh, hi daddy! Listen, I was talking to this� Vested Teen Gimme that! Vested Teen grabs the comlink Vested Teen (To Cradossk) Listen you half-witted father of a moron, if I don�t see a hefty sum coming my way, then I�ll put this retard out of his misery! Right here! Right now! Cradossk Oh please. Do you think I would care? Bossk What did he say? What did he say?! I bet my daddy�s gonna kill you for sayin� that! Cradossk That worthless stump with scales means nothing to me. And if I ever let him grow up to be marginally intelligent, then he�ll kill me to take over the guild. So be my guest� and get that monkey off my back. Vested Teen Monkey? Huh? Cradossk Oh� I was talking to my secretary. Anyway� Vested Teen Look, do you want me to find the stupid top or not? Cradossk �Whatever� Yeah. Stop!� yeah, um, it has a tracking device on it. I�ll send the co� OW!� the coordinates. Vested Teen What are you doing? Cradossk I�m� sending the�. GO AWAY!� I�m sending the coordinates. Goodbye. Vested Teen See ya. Bossk Hey! Daddy hung up without saying goodbye to me?! Vested Teen Chill man, we�ll soon know where your stupid top is so we can end this pathetic, meaningless journey of yours. Bossk Where�s the top? Vested Teen looks at the com-screen Vested Teen Hmm� Alberta� Canada. Bossk Huh. Never heard of it. Vested Teen For once in your life, Bossk, you�re not the only one� MOMENTS BEFORE Obi-wan Kenobi has been traveling through time and space at the expense of Writer/Director, George Lucas. He has warped into various areas of the Star Wars universe, and sometimes even to the planet earth, a much more treacherous and horrible place. But through his travels he has never experienced something this frightening, THIS dreadful. Obi-wan Kenobi will soon learn a greater suffering� Yaddle Can you believe that HRT� I mean, �Jaina-lover� would just blatantly ignore us like that. Lowie I thought that he liked us! Yaddle He�s being such a jerk! Lowie You�d think after all of those e-mails I�ve sent him, he�d at least MENTION me in the script. Oh� and you too, Yaddle. And Anaj. Hey� where is Anaj? Yaddle I don�t know. She�s always late. *Poof!* Obi-wan appears sitting at a lunch table in front of Yaddle and Lowie Lowie That�s not Anaj. Yaddle Whoa! Ewan McGregor! Lowie You�re hot. Where�s Hayden? Obi-wan Oh no! George! You brought me to EARTH again?! Anaj enters the area Anaj You know, if this were Star Wars, I�d be dangerously close to the� Ewan McGregor?!! Obi-wan slams his fist on the table Obi-wan No! My name is Obi-Wan!! Yaddle YOU�RE an Obi-wan! Obi-wan That�s� that�s what I said. Yaddle You�re MOM�S an Obi-wan! Obi-wan Now just you hold on! My sweet mother was a kind, gentle� Yaddle I�ll shove an Obi-wan down you�re throat! Obi-wan What?! That�s not physically possi� Yaddle I�ll kick you in the Obi-wan!! Obi-wan stares blankly Obi-wan Well. Ehem. Lowie All right, all right! Leave him alone! Wouldn�t you be just a little freaked out if you suddenly appeared into thin air? The man�s been through a lot. Anaj Hey, shouldn�t we be freaked out too? I mean, Ewan McGregor just popped out of nowhere. Lowie Oh. Oh wow. Yes. Anaj, Lowie, and Yaddle start screaming Obi-wan Where am I, George? Where am I? George Don�t ask me. I didn�t send you. Obi-wan What?! I thought you controlled everything George No, there�s a higher power. Think about it. I may be able to write what happens to you� but who is writing what happens to me? Obi-wan What�re you saying, George? George I�m saying SOMEONE is writing what is happening RIGHT now. Obi-wan That�s not fair! I want to be in control of my own destiny! That�s not fair! Lowie (to Anaj and Yaddle) He�s talking to himself. What should we do? Anaj Well, we could, uh, tell HRT! Yaddle Yeah! We should tell HRT! Lowie But aren�t we mad at HRT? Anaj Of course not. He put us in this script. Lowie Yeah, he did. That makes up for everything! Yaddle Hurry! Let�s go apologize for getting so irrationally mad at him! Lowie Wait� Yaddle, you�re giving in to his manipulation. He wrote this script� Yaddle You�re right� you thought you could fool me, HRT. Well� who�s the fool now? Obi-wan Is this� HRT character� is he the power over George? Anaj I think it�s funny how you talk to your imaginary friend, George. Obi-wan He�s real! He�s a real boy! Just like Pinocchio! Yaddle Uh, wrong movie. Obi-wan Well I know THAT. But the point of the whole Pinocchio analagy is to better explain� Lowie It�s �Analogy� Obi-wan Analagy� what?! Lowie You spelled �analogy� wrong. Obi-wan That can�t be possible! I�M the only one who�s supposed to be able to do that! I don�t spell things wrong! I don�t! Anaj Actually, you do. Obi-wan Look, you people have been� Holy Sith! Bossk and Vested Teen! Bossk and Vested Teen Lowie It�s young Harrison Ford�. And�. A lizard. Bossk Hi! I�m Bossk, and I want my top back. Vested Teen And I�m with him� basically to kill the old geezer� who is currently not that old� Obi-wan I�m Episode II Obi-wan. When you met me, I was between movies Vested Teen That makes as much sense to me as a game where you slide around on frozen water and hit people more often than you do a little black, round, slidey thingy. Anaj Hockey! Yaddle Hockey! Did I tell you that my cousin is on the Islanders? And he scored! Bossk Cool!! How long has he been with the team?! Vested Teen Shut up! We have business to take care of. No time to fraternize. Lowie Um, EXCUSE me? �Fraternize?� I�m FEMALE Lowie. Vested Teen So? Lowie So, we wouldn�t �fraternize.� Bossk You know, she has a point. Vested Teen Shut up! Vested Teen pulls out a blaster and points it at Obi-wan Vested Teen Do you know what I�ve been through, Obi-wan?! Do you know what pain you have caused me. I have searched for you. I have been stalking you. I have had every chance to kill you, but you always �poof� and I�m ALWAYS too late. Well this time, you don�t have a chance, old man. This time� you won�t survive. Yaddle I won Starvivor 2! Anaj I got kicked off�. Because of HRT. That was rather mean of him. Obi-wan HRT?! Where ever you are! Please! Poof me! Poof me now! This is the last chance you�ll get! Poof me! Bossk Uh� we�ll let you survive if you hand over the top. Obi-wan The top?! No! I destroyed the top! That top would have killed Padme! Padme, my sweet love. She shall never be mine, yet she shall. Shoot me if you wish. It�s not like I haven�t been shot before. But I give you these final words: Life is great. I�ve been shot, I�ve been stabbed, I�ve suffered more pain and more loss than ANY one of you. But you know what? I know that in a far away galaxy, in a far away time, I�m living my life with Padme. No Jedi tricks. No protecting the galaxy. Just me and my sweet Padme. Together. Bossk That�s� that�s so touching. Bossk begins to cry Vested Teen Yeah, real touching�. Vested Teen begins to lower his blaster. Vested Teen But I�m still gonna shoot you. Obi-wan Figures. *blast* And here, there was no cry for pain. No �Ow, you shot me.� No humorous interactions. For the great Jedi Master, Obi-Wan Kenobi slid to the floor, and rested there underneath the lunch table. He managed a weak smile before his body vanished into thin air. No �poof� this time, just the way of the Force. Bossk You� killed him. Vested Teen Huh. Wasn�t that hard, was it? Eh. Let�s get some lunch. I�m starving. Puberty�ll do that to you. Bossk I know all too well what you mean, Vested Teen. All too well. Vested Teen and Bossk go off to buy lunch Anaj�s and Yaddle�s and Lowie�s Friend What did I miss? THE END |