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| Scripts |
| Robert DeNiro, an Unlikely Hero in the Script to Episode Zero By Military Genius and Grand Adm� I mean, uh Hoth Rebel Trooper While Obi-wan travels through space and time, his former late master Qui-gon Jinn (not knowing where the KRIFF his padawan is) travels to a distant corrupt wartime planet in order fight crime for the better of the galaxy. Unfortunately, he encounters a very stubborn criminal soldier� Qui-Gon Jinn My name is Qui-gon Jinn. I�m here to resolve this matter peacefully Soldier No you�re not! I�m gonna blow your kriffin� head off! Qui-Gon I don�t know where my padawan is. He should be here at any moment. Please, away your weapon. I mean you know harm. Soldier You�re kriffin� quotin� master kriffin� Yoda. Qui-Gon Please, I am a Jedi. Soldier I�ll show you kriffin� Jedi!�. *Blast* Qui-Gon �..A Jedi�. Does not know pain�. Soldier Whad�ya mean you don�t know pain?! You gotta hole through your kriffin� head. It�s the size of a kriffin� dinner plate. Stang! That must hurt! Qui-Gon A Jedi does� not know pain. A� Jedi� does�. A Jedi does not know numbness. A Jedi� does not know numbness Soldier Whatever dude, you�re messed up! Qui-Gon A Jedi� does not fall down. A Jedi does� *Thump* Qui-gon A Jedi does not� not get up. A Jedi does not� not� get up� Oh� A Jedi does not use double negatives� Soldier That�s not not funny. Huh huh huh!! Qui-Gon A Jedi does not get run over by a monster truck� *ThuThump* Soldier Huh!! Haha! Qui-Gon A Jedi� does not make stupid premonitions�. Wait�. Hmmm�. A Jedi does not receive instant relief from pain�. Ooooo� Didn�t work�. Never mind. Soldier Man, you�re dumb. That monster truck is just a-sittin� there. Hmm� Qui-Gon The soldier does not get in the monster truck� *Door slam* Qui-Gon The soldier does not start the engine *Checheche Vrrrvrrrvvrrr* Qui-Gon The soldier does not put the monster truck in reverse� Oh, who am I kidding? *ThuThump* Qui-Gon Ow� I mean, uh, Hoth Rebel Trooper. HRT What?! Qui-Gon Huh? Did I just say� Hoth Rebel Trooper? HRT Yes you did. I hate to inform you, but you are dead. Qui-Gon Dead? MG As a doornail. Deceased. Kicked the bucket. You�re at that tollbooth in the sky. J-Rodd I know nothing about Star Wars. MG Shut up, J-Rodd. Qui-Gon So� where�s the tollbooth HRT, MG, and J-Rodd all start laughing. Qui-Gon What? Is it my ponytail? HRT No� It�s not. It�s just your stupidity. MG We created you, killed you, brought you here, and now we�re going to send you to� to� HRT Balancebook. HRT and MG laugh evilly. J-Rod sits blankly and stares at his feet. Qui-Gon This doesn�t make any sense! What�s Balancebook? HRT Balancebook is the node of Junior. He is AC-03. He will control you. There, you may encounter such people as� MG AT, that silly little Canadian boy. HRT Jaina and all her friends, who just happen to be Canadian. As well. Qui-Gon NOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo!!! MG and HRT laugh evilly. J-Rodd sticks his foot in his mouth and nibbles. MG J-Rodd! That�s disgusting! J-Rodd (muffled) Mm?! HRT Please ignore the non-Star Wars fan. Anyway, you will also encounter� MG Paploo! A furry little teddy bear like thing. Half Wookiee� half� midget! He has a canker sore. And he�s rabid. Qui-Gon My god. MG J-Rodd! Get a room! J-Rodd Mm?! HRT Ehem� anyway, you may also encounter Jessica! She�s� Jessica. MG Don�t forget Radioactive man! Or as some like to call him, RAM! Qui-Gon This was never in the training. HRT Wait, don�t forget Cynzar! She�s incredibly� Insane. She even has a new website, where the title is longer than the actual content. MG Sometimes. Lau-ra Anu and her sister(s) Suz-Ai Gallia and/or Katee Tyre stop by. HRT But alas, not as often as before. MG We mourn for them� A moment of silence is broken by the sucking of J-Rodd�s toe MG J-Rodd!! Really! We have a guest! J-Rodd Mmm?! HRT Oh dear. Well, we�ll send you off now. Qui-Gon But� A Jedi does not know Balancebook. MG Ha! Yes! That line was funny, Qui-Gon! We�ll put that in the script. Qui-Gon, do you play an instrument. Qui-Gon Why yes, I play the.. MG Shut up! You think you know music?! You know nothing! HRT I like the Beatles. Qui-Gon You people degust me. Send me anywhere. Just get me out of here. J-Rodd Mm?! *poof* Obi-wan Now where am I�. Qui-gon? Qui-Gon?! You�re alive?! MG Not for long! *Poof* Qui-Gon explodes in a bloody mess Obi-wan NoOOooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOO! HRT Folks, this is what you get, when MG helps me write the script THE END |