 |
| Scripts |
| Hang Ten, Eat a Hen, It�s the Script to Episode III� Again! by Grand Adm... I mean, uh Hoth Rebel Trooper With his foreknowledge of the unfortunate future, Obi-wan is taking things very slowly and carefully and with caution and carefully. He now rushes down to the lobby to intercept Padme before Anakin ruins everything. He�s running down the stairs, BUT he trips over an object and/or person and falls miserably� Obi-wan Ahhh! Ow! Ow! What the?! Object Person Thingy Ah� you crushed my pelvis. Obi-wan Kriff, I�m really sorry� I don�t have time� I have to get up and� Obi-wan�s leg breaks and he crumbles to the ground Obi-wan For the love of sandwiches! Why!? I�m overflowing with pain and yet I still am about to attempt to get up again� Object Person Thingy Don�t! Help me. You probably killed me, you inconsiderate sithspawn. Obi-wan I� need to get going� sir. I can�t� Object Person Thingy I�m a woman! Obi-wan Oh� your voice is deep and you�re concealed under a� rhino? Object Person Thingy The knee bone�s connected to the leg bone! The leg bone�s connected to the rhino! Obi-wan Why is there a rhino in the stairway?! And what�s a rhino! GEORGE!!!!! Hey! Why is my skin kriffin� blue!? Voice of George Lucas Sorry. *Chuckles* This is hilarious. Obi-wan What are you doing to me? George I�m creating a comical situation for you to deal with. That�s what you wanted, right? Obi-wan No! This is awful! Put me somewhere nice. Poof! Obi-wan lands on a beach. Obi-wan Huh? Padme Honey! Dinner time! Obi-wan Padme? Honey? Dinner?! Yes! George, thank you! Padme Hurry up sweaty, the kids are waiting. Obi-wan Oh c�mon George! Kids?! Oh well. I guess beggars can�t be choosers. Obi-wan walks into a nice beach resort home. Obi-wan So where are the little� Holy Sith! They�re hideous! Padme C�mon, honey. Lose the left arm, the kids are hungry. The kids Grrrrrrrrrr. Rarrrrr! Obi-wan George, my children are cannibals and my wife is a supplier to their needs. Poof! Obi-wan finds himself in a forest amiss a celebration. Teddy bears and orange-uniform guys run amuck. Wedge I feel as giddy as a schoolgirl! Luke Calm down Wedge. Calm down. Let�s not have another episode. Wedge Yeah, you�re right Luke. Good job killing your dad and all. Luke Uh� thanks� *sniff* � I didn�t want to� Obi-wan Luke Skywalker? You killed Anakin?! Luke Hey� I know you� you�re that men! Obi-wan Wait, what�s going on here? Is this some sort of underground teddy crime mafia? Wedge Luke, how�d he find out?! Luke Shhh! No! It�s not an organized teddy slave trade mafia. We�re not using the destruction of the Empire as a cover for our true evil deeds. Obi-wan Really? I know I�ve seen this before. Luke No! You�ve never seen any of this. Luke waves his hand Obi-wan Don�t forget, brat. I�m a Jedi. Wait, you�re a Jedi? Luke I�m a Jedi like my father before me. Obi-wan Yeah, and you�re both brats. Have a girlfriend, Luke? Luke Yeah, Leia� Ah! I mean no. I gotta stop forgetting that she�s my sister! Obi-wan Leia� where is Leia? Luke I dunno. Probably off with Han somewhere. Obi-wan Han Solo? Luke That would be correct, Ben men. Wicket Help� us� Wedge Just ignore him. He�s speaking Teddyish. He just said �I love you.� Wicket Help� us� death is on the horizon for my kind. May we suffer no more, for we will parish on the mines of kessel. Woe is us. Woe. Never more. Never more shall we glimpse the radiant eclipse of Endor. Peace be with you, for we have none. Oh, woe. Tell the galaxy of our plight and we will aid thee in thine quest. Wedge He just said �I want a cookie.� Luke Here you go, Wicket. Wicket grabs the cookie and eats it Wicket Yum yum! Obi-wan Okay, this is a little too weird. Um� Luke� would you happen to know where your mother is? Luke I have no memory of my mother. Obi-wan Oh well, she�s probably too old for me now. Luke Ah, no, Leia says she�s dead. Wedge Yeah, dead as a doorknob! Ha ha! Luke It�s doornail, you nimrod! Luke pokes Wedge in the eyes Wedge Ow, my retinas! Obi-wan George, take me back to right before Padme dies so I can stop it. George Okey dokey. Poof! Obi-wan finds himself in front of the Crazy Eight Motel. Obi-wan Oh no, this place is awful. They don�t even leave those chocolate mints on the pillows. Which room was I in again? Oh yeah! 127! Obi-wan rushes to room 127 but is stopped by a dark-skinned bald man. Bald man Never go into room 127. Obi-wan What?! Bald man You have a special gift. It�s called the shinning. Obi-wan Don�t you mean �the shining?� Bald man No, it�s the shinning. Because I�m about to kick you in the shin. Smack! Obi-wan Ow!! Bald man Redrum! Redrum! He he heheehehe!! The Bald man runs off flailing his arms Obi-wan Freak. Obi-wan knocks on the door of room 127 Voice from inside What now?! Erg! Just stay right here, I'm going to answer that. The door is pulled open forcibly to reveal past Obi-wan Past Obi-wan What the kriff?!? Is this supposed to be some sort of cruel joke?! Obi-wan Stang! It�s past me! Hello Past Obi-wan. This� er� isn�t a joke� well, George seems to think it�s some sort of joke, but it�s not! I come from the future. And I�m here to prevent something awful from happening. Past Obi-wan Look, whoever you are. You can go tell George that he doesn�t have to bother annoying me because I�m about to die. Now please leave this hotel. Obi-wan Look, if you let me in, I can prove it. I mean, if you�re about to die, then what have you got to lose? Past Obi-wan Hmmm� good point. Alright, but you only get five minutes. Obi-wan enters Bossk Cool! Clones! My daddy says that siding with the clones during the war is the best idea cuz they�re going to win. Obi-wan Wait, George, the clones win?! George Yep. Obi-wan Stang! Well, that doesn�t really matter. This is more important. Past Obi-wan So where�s this proof? Obi-wan Okay, in about three seconds, there will be a knock at the door. *Knock Knock Knock* Obi-wan It�s Padme. And she�s crying. Past Obi-wan goes to the door and sure enough, there�s a crying Padme Past Obi-wan Why are you crying? Obi-wan Yoda and her got in a fight. She just filed a divorce. She wanted to come to you for comfort. Padme How�d he know that? Who are those guys? Past Obi-wan They�re not� Obi-wan We�re not guys. We�re puppets. Bossk I�m not a puppet! Obi-wan Padme, I�m future Obi-wan. And I�m here to prevent your death. Padme My death? Obi-wan Yes, death by top. Bossk, hand me the top. Bossk No! It�s my top! This top�s been just like a top to me! You can�t have it! Obi-wan uses the force to grab the top Obi-wan Yes I can. Goodbye Past Obi-wan. Goodbye Padme. Have a good life together. Feel free to dispose of the lizard. Beam me up, George. George Aye, Aye, Captain. Bossk You just wait! My daddy�s gonna send everyone after you! You just wait! No one steals my top and gets away with it! No one! Poof! The End |