Scripts

There Are a Couple New Tenants Up in the Heavens, It's the Script to Episode III and Ten Elevenths by Grand Adm... I mean, uh Hoth Rebel Trooper Critically wounded, Obi-wan Kenobi and George Lucas have been sent to a nearby hospital in Los Angeles, California. (Even though the accident happened in a studio in Australia). While the two celebrities lie unconscious in separate hospital beds, their friends discuss the accidents and what could have led to it all. Bossk I just don't know what's gotten into him. I just came in to say "Hi" and he went postal! Natalie Portman Well maybe you shouldn't have worn your Bossk costume... and... why are you still wearing it? Bossk I dunno! The zipper's stuck. Natalie Where? Bossk On the back... maybe if you hugged your arms around me, you could unzip it. Natalie Okay Obi-wan wakes up and sees this Obi-wan Noooooo! Get away from her you filthy reptile! Natalie Ewan, you're awake! Obi-wan Why are you hugging him!? If I wasn't strapped to this bed.... Bossk She's helping me with my zipper. Obi-wan I don't care! Padme, he's dangerous! Natalie James is not dangerous, Ewan. He's just James. He's not a lizard, he only plays one in these movies. Did you get a bump to the head or something while we were filming? Because you seem to think that you're Obi-ton or whatever the heck his name is. Obi-wan I'm Obi-wan! And his name isn't James! He's Bossk, son of Cradossk, eeeeevil lizard. Why does no one believe me?! Natalie There, I fixed your zipper, James. James Thank you, Natalie. James removes the Bossk costume, revealing a normal human being with too many canker sores James Ah, that feels better. Natalie You don't have to talk in your Bossk voice, James. James (in normal voice) Oh right. I always forget... My mouth hurts a lot. Obi-wan Impossible. This... this is no way to live. Padme... Padme, you like me, right? Natalie Please, Ewan. Please call me Natalie. Obi-wan But your name is Padme Natalie *sighs* Of course I like you, Ewan. But why do you have to be so difficult right now? You almost killed George, and you did kill David, sort of. You need to remember who you really are. Star Wars isn't real, Ewan. Obi-wan But it is real! It is! This is the world that's not real. Natalie Ewan... Obi-wan And you didn't really answer my question. I didn't mean "like me," I meant... I meant... Natalie Meant what? Obi-wan Natalie, you're supposed to love me. You said you'd love the first man you met who had an invisible ponytail. And here it is... Obi-wan reaches for his ponytail Obi-wan AHHHHHHH! Where's my ponytail!? It's gone!!!!! And... my hair!!! My hair is gone!!! And... KRIFF! Where's my ear!!!?? MY EAR!! Natalie Ewan, you fell down a ten-story elevator shaft. It's a miracle that you're even slightly alive. Your ear got chopped off by the elevator and they had to shave off all your hair to replace parts of your skull with metal plates. Obi-wan But that's impossible! No one can destroy my ponytail! IT'S INVINSABLE!! Kill me now if it's gone! Kill me now! Natalie Ewan, the doctor is coming. Maybe he can help you. Two nurses and a doctor enter the room. They march in unison. Nurse #1 Hello dear. I'm Honny J, this is Frany K, and this is Dr. Dick Span. Frany K Heeelloo! Dick Span And you are patient... number 45... Ewan McGregor. And this must be George Lucas. Natalie The doctor is going to help you now. James and I'll leave you alone now. Obi-wan NO! Stay! They're fakers! Con artists! Frany K Heeelloo! Natalie Ewan! Please! Can't you just let them examine you before you go insane again? Natalie and James exit the room Dick Span Okay... so, what happened as far as you can remember? Honny J Yes dear, what happened? Obi-wan Don't try to fool me with your medical know-it-all! I know who you guys really are! You're Rafkny, Nhonyj, and Cand Spik. How stupid do you think I am? You guys always rearrange the letters in your names. Any moron can figure you out! Dick Span Hmm... He seems to be having post-concussion delusions. Honny J Yes dear, post concussion. Frany K Heeelloo! Obi-wan George! George! Wake up! Please wake up! Honny J Dear, there's someone at the door requesting to visit Obi-wan Let them in! Honny J opens the door and Vested Teen walks in Frany K Heeeloo! Obi-wan What? Han Solo? What do you want? Vested Teen (in a sad, frightened voice) I... I don't know what to do.  Everyone keeps calling my Harson Fort or something like that. This place is so terrible! I just wanna go home. And... and it's all you're fault, ya ol' geezer! Han pulls out an earth gun Honny J Dear, you're not allowed to give weapons to patients. Han shoots Honny J in the face. "She" falls over dead. Frany K Heelloo! Dick Span Hmmm... Teenage angst leads to aggressive behavior. Interesting. Obi-wan George! Wake up! He's going to kill us all! Vested Teen How could you do that to me? How could you leave me in that cantina alone? Huh? Answer!! Obi-wan What did I do?! I didn't do anything to you! George! Wake UP! George Lucas stirs in his bed Vested Teen You treated me like I was nothing! You lowered my self-esteem! You HAVE to die now... You won't survive. You won't survive. George Lucas Wha.. what's going on? Obi-wan Toss my lighsaber! For some reason my Force powers aren't working and they put my lightsaber near your bed. Toss it! George Lucas Is that Harrison? He looks so young... Obi-wan Just toss it! George tosses the lightsaber to Obi-wan. Obi-wan pressed the button to ignite it, but nothing happens. Obi-wan It's not working! George Lucas Well, I haven't added in the special effects yet. Obi-wan Then add them! George Lucas I can't. That's ILM's job. Vested Teen Yeah, I know what he's talking about. My blaster wouldn't work. I came to this place, Hollywood. And I was like, no way! I bumped into this guy named Carleton Heston. And he was, like, handing out these guns for free. Saying 'Support your second amendment rights' or something. And I was like, 'Yeah, whatever.' I accidentally shot him while I was trying to figure out how to use it. Dick Span Hmmm... Interesting. Vested Teen Anyway, geezer, I gotta kill ya now... no offense. Obi-wan Offense taken! Um... George! If ILM makes the effects, then who makes the stories? George Well... I do. Obi-wan Quick! Start writing a story about me! Maybe it'll transport me back into my own world! George Ewan... how is that possible? Obi-wan Look, George, I think the matter of possibility doesn't apply right now. Look at Frany K. She has a tail. Frany K Hey! No I don't! I mean.... Heeelloo! Dick Span Rafkny, let's just give up the charade and kill this idiot who cut off my tail. Get your syringes out! Rafkny Okay, boss. Rafkny and Cand Spik pull out syringe needles and start walking towards Obi-wan. Vested Teen is still pointing the gun at him, as well. Obi-wan Hurry, George! George Okay, okay! But what do I write with? All I've got here are a couple napkins and chocolate pudding. Obi-wan Be creative! George Okay, uh... what time period do you want to pop into? Obi-wan I don't care! Just write! Vested Teen I've been looking forward to killing you for a long time Obi-wan I'll bet you have Split-seconds before Han fires the gun, Obi-wan disappears into thin air. The bullet hits the pillow and feathers fly everywhere. Rafkny Heeelloo! Cand Spik Don't you mean good-bye? Rafkny So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good night I hate to go and leave this pretty side So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, adieu Adieu, adieu, to yieu and yieu and yieu So long, farewell, au revoir... Cand Spik Shut up! We're never renting that movie again if you do that one more time! Rafkny Sorry! Sorry, boss! The End

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