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| Scripts |
| It's in the Past Tense With Distinguished Young Gents, It's the Script to Episode III and Nine Tenths by Grand Adm... I mean, uh Hoth Rebel Trooper In an unbearable twist of events, Obi-wan Kenobi has discovered that his entire existence is a lie and that he is really Ewan McGregor, some actor from the planet earth. He now drinks coffee with a man named George Lucas, who is trying to explain the truth to the dumbfounded Jedi knight. Obi-wan So, let me get this strait. I was born on this planet? George Lucas Yes, Ewan Gordon McGregor was born 31 March 1971 in Crieff, Scotland. At 16, he left Crieff and Morrison Academy to join the Perth Repertory Theatre. His parents encouraged him to leave school and pursue his acting goals rather than be unhappy. McGregor studied drama for a year at Kirkcaldly in Fife, then enrolled at London's Guildhall School of Music and Drama for a three-year course. He left right before graduating after snagging the role of Private Mick Hopper in Dennis Potter's 1993 six-part Channel 4(UK) series Lipstick on Your Collar. His first notable role was that of Alex Law in Shallow Grave, directed by Danny Boyle, written by John Hodge and produced by Andrew MacDonald. This was followed by The Pillow Book and Trainspotting, the latter of which brought him to the public's attention. He is now one of the most critically acclaimed actors of his generation, and portrays Obi-wan Kenobi in the first three Star Wars episodes. McGregor is married to French production designer Eve Mavrakis, whom he met while working on the TV show Kavannagh QC. They married in France in the summer of 1995 and have a daughter, Clara Mathilde, born in February 1996. Another child is expected in October 2001. McGregor has formed a production company with friends Jonny Lee Miller, Sean Pertwee, Jude Law and Sadie Frost. Called Natural Nylon, they hope it will make innovative films that do not conform to Hollywood standards. Obi-wan Huh? Why third person if you think I'm him? George Lucas What? Oh, I just memorized that from the Internet Movie Database Obi-wan Well, wherever that's from, that's not me. I'm not Eww McYucker or whatever the kriff his name is. I'm Obi-wan Kenobi. George Lucas Look, Ewan, I'm glad you're getting into character. But don't you think this is a bit much? Obi-wan No! I truly have memories of being Obi-wan Kenobi! George Lucas What kind of memories? Obi-wan I'd... rather not talk about it. George Lucas Well I can't be sure you're telling the truth unless I have proof. Obi-wan Errr... I remember... I remember the time that lizard ruined my life. He brought a simple thing; a top. I thought nothing of it. I... I thought nothing of it until it... *sniff* killed her... killed Padme. She was so young, so innocent... George Lucas Well, not really Obi-wan WHAT?! George Lucas Never mind, please continue. Obi-wan AS I SAID, she WAS innocent, and the innocent life was destroyed by that monster's toy. I... I tell you, if I even get my hands on that Yoda Kriffer, I'm gonna ring his neck so tight his eyeballs'll... Bossk Hi, Ewan! Obi-wan Holy Sithspawn!! Obi-wan leaps from his seat in panic, knocking the table over George Lucas AHHHHH!! My legs! You spilled the coffee machine on my legs! Bossk Oh my God! George! Noooooooo! George Lucas Turn it off! Turn it off! Bossk Turn what off?! George Lucas The coffee machine! It's boiling my legs! AHHH! Before Bossk can turn it off, the coffee machine begins to spark. Blue electricity flows through George Lucas, who is now having muscle spasms. Bossk Dear God!! Ewan! Call 9-1-1!! Obi-wan rushes to a phone Obi-wan Uh, what's the number?! Bossk What do you mean!?? Electricity continues to surround George Lucas George Lucas AHHHH! Father! Help me! Bossk rushes over to Ewan Bossk You idiot! Dial 9-1-1!! Obi-wan Okay!! How was I supposed to know that?! Obi-wan dials Bossk Everyone knows that! Obi-wan Well I'm sorry. I just got here. I'm having an identity crisis! Operator (on phone) 9-1-1 Emergency. How may I help you? Obi-wan Yes, uh... There's a man here being electrocuted by a coffee machine. Operator Okay, is this a serious matter? Obi-wan Yes! It's serious! We need help! His name is... uh... George Lucas? Bossk nods Obi-wan Yeah, George Lucas. Operator Sir, prank-calling 9-1-1 is a federal offence. We're going to have to ask for your name. Obi-wan hangs up Bossk Are they coming? Obi-wan Uh... yeah. The electricity continues to harm George Lucas George Lucas Father!!! David Prowse, wearing his Darth Vader uniform, enters the scene. He walks over to The coffee machine and lifts it in the air over his head. The electricity flows through him and his skull is visible through the helmet. He walks to an elevator shaft with the coffee machine and throws it in. There is a blue explosion and then silence. David kneels and breathes heavily. Obi-wan Anakin? Bossk David! No! Obi-wan and Bossk rush over to David and both kneel down at his side David Take off this mask... so I can see you... with my own eyes. Bossk removes the helmet slowly. Obi-wan Hey! You're not Anakin! David frowns and then dies Bossk That's not a very nice thing to say to a dying person! Look at what you've caused, Ewan! Obi-wan What I caused?! You stang-eating kriffer! I've only scratched the surface compared to what you did. You killed Padme! The love of my life! You killed her, you dim-witted lizard! Bossk I didn't kill her in real life! I was only acting! You were only acting! SHE was only acting! Obi-wan No! I watched her die with my own eyes! I felt her pulse! And I even saw her die again when Anakin sliced her in half! Natalie Portman What's going on here?!... Oh my God! What happened to David?! Obi-wan stands up, turns around, sees Padme, feints, and falls backwards into the nearby elevator shaft. The End |