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| Starvivor 3 Chronicles: Episode IX: Can You Smell the Farts Tonight? by Grand Adm... I mean, uh Hoth Rebel Trooper 'The Circle of Sniff' co-written by Military Genius Narrator The sun is rising over the ocean, making the sky red. A baron tree grows in the sand of the beach, and little ants are crawling over its branches, carrying leaves. All sorts of animals start marching together. Birds in the air, whales in the sea, and land-animals on the island. They all start sniffing each other... *background music to �The Circle of Life� starts playing. The narrator sings.* Narrator (singing) When the animals go out together Whether furry, scaly, or feathered, They will go �round about And they�ll stick out their snouts To find out The other one�s gender! It�s the circle of sniff! And it moves us all To sniff some butts To know their genders. Till we find our place In reproduction. In the cirrrr-cullll The circle of sniff! *Songs ends* Narrator And then some monkey holds up a kitty and all the animals rejoice. But anyway, let�s focus on the Sehsams Tribe. Pumbaa is now, of course, hanging out with Frodo. The two of them are searching for animals they can eat in the woods. Frodo Now I�m beginning to regret voting off Gollum. He was quite handy at finding food. Pumbaa Yes, but he was so mean. Frodo He was just misunderstood. The Ring had corrupted him. For that, I pity him. *There is a long silence. Then, Pumbaa starts sniffing Frodo�s butt.* Frodo ... What are you doing? Pumbaa I am trying to deduct whether you are male or female. Frodo I�m male. Pumbaa *sniff, sniff* Evidently. Frodo Why?... Pumbaa Just had to make sure. Plus, I wanted to test my skills. It�s been awhile since I�ve sniffed a butt. Timon never lets me. Oh! Now it�s your turn to get up close and smell MY butt! *Pumbaa sticks his butt in the direction of Frodo* Frodo Pumbaa... I hate to tell you, but one doesn�t need to get up close to smell your butt. I can smell it from here. *Pumbaa starts crying* Frodo Oh, I�m sorry... I�m sorry, that was rude. I was... just joking, yes! Just joking. Really. A friendly joke. Pumbaa *sniff*... Really? Friendly? Frodo Really friendly. Pumbaa Oh, you�re my best friend, Timon. Frodo ... Frodo. Pumbaa As best friends we can share all our deepest secrets! Do you have any secrets? Frodo Well... yes, I suppose I do. Pumbaa Let�s hear it! Frodo Well, you know how I have this Ring, right? It�s my duty to destroy it. But... oftentimes I have urges... to keep it. And I feel so guilty. I feel so wrong. And I can�t believe I deserted Sam in order to play this awful game. I can�t believe I�m being distracted from my quest... It�s driving me mad. Pumbaa Awww, no need to fret over the past. Frodo. You know... Timon and I have this little saying... Frodo What is it? Pumbaa Well, to explain it, I�ll need to break into song. Frodo Uhh... alright... *So while Pumbaa breaks into song, Lando, Elizabeth, and Hermione are in another part of the woods, also in search of new life forms.* Lando (to Elizabeth) Did we have to bring the kid along? I thought maybe you and I could have some alone time. Elizabeth Hermione has been feeling left out. It�s best that we drag her along. Hermione I can hear you two, you know. Lando Oh well. I guess I should be happy that I�ve go two fine British ladies along with me. Elizabeth Hermione�s only eleven. Lando Well... if you average your two ages together... Elizabeth That�s still too young. Lando Is there really such thing as �too young?� Elizabeth Lando! Yes there is! Lando Haha, I�m just kidding!... I hope. Hermione Enough. We need to find animals. And I�ve got an idea. I can use a calling spell to bring all the animals to us. Lando Uh... are you sure that�s a good idea? Whenever you use a spell, it seems like something always goes wrong. Hermione Nonsense. I know what I�m doing. Elizabeth Go ahead, Hermione. Lando�s just being a jerk today. Lando Hey! *Hermione takes out her wand* Hermione Proximus Animalia! *Suddenly, dozens of hyena-like canines emerge for the woods and surround the trio. They start growling.* Elizabeth Well those don�t look friendly. *The canines begin to close in on the humans* Lando Hermione... now would be a good time to make them go away. Hermione Umm... right... Cowardio Exodus! *Hermione�s wand is accidentally pointed at Lando when she says this, causing him to become insanely afraid. Lando runs away from the scene screaming, leaving Hermione and Elizabeth still surrounded by the canines* Elizabeth I�m beginning to agree with Lando�s theory that things go wrong when you use your wand. Hermione Oh shut up, you priss. *So, as they face certain doom, Lando�s running and screaming fit wears off as he reaches Frodo and Pumbaa.* Frodo What�s wrong, Lando? You look rather frightened. Lando *pant* Elizabeth... and Hermione... surrounded by vicious canines. Pumbaa No need to worry about that, my friend. Frodo No need for any worries at all! Lando But... they�re in trouble. We�ve got to... Pumbaa Stop worrying! Frodo and I want to teach you a little song. Take it, Frodo! *Background music begins and Frodo and Pumbaa start singing* Frodo Hakuna Matata! What a wonderful phrase! Pumbaa Hakuna Matata! Ain�t no passing craze... Frodo It means no worries For the rest of your days It�s our problem-free Philosophy Hakuna Matata! *the singing stops, but the background music remains* Pumbaa So you see, Lando? You�ve no need to worry. Lando But... Frodo Just let all the things of the past disappear. They don�t matter. Lando Well... what the heck, it�s a catchy tune! *The three of them start singing in unison* All Singing It means no worries For the rest of your days It�s our problem-free Philosophy Hakuna Matata! Hakuna! Matata! Hakuna! Matata! *They start swinging their heads to the beat and march in single-file across a fallen log* All Singing Hakuna! Matata! Hakuna! Matata! *Pumbaa farts* *The music comes to an abrupt stop* Pumbaa Excuse me. Lando Pumbaa, that�s disgusting! Frodo I agree. Way to ruin the moment, Pumbaa. Lando Wait a minute! What the kriff are we doing dancing on a log like crazy fools?! Let�s go save Elizabeth and Hermione! Pumbaa But... Hakuna Matata... Frodo Screw Hakuna Matata! Let�s go! *The three of them rush off to save the two British ladies. Meanwhile, Luke and Padm� are having a little stroll by the waterfall.* Padm� So, you�re okay with me being married? Luke Yeah... as long as I can still go out with you. Padm� I don�t know, Luke... I�m having such conflicting emotions and thoughts, Luke Me too, Padm�. Me too... *Background music begins. Luke starts singing in his head to the tune of �Can you Feel the Love Tonight�...* Luke (inner monologue singing) So many things to tell her But how to make her see The truth about my past? Impossible! She'd turn away from me *Padm�s inner monologue starts singing* Padm� (inner monologue singing) I�m holding back, I�m hiding I�m such an awful wife How could I cheat on Anakin? I should be his for life Luke (inner monologue singing) This moment is so awkward My feelings feel so wrong There�s no one I can go to Oh, I wish I had a mom Padm� (inner monologue singing) But look at him, he�s handsome He looks just like my man It�s not like anyone will know That�s it, screw Anakin *Both of them start singing out loud* Both Singing Can you feel the love tonight? You needn�t look too far. Stealing through the night�s uncertainties. Love is where we are. *They hold hands and start twirling around by the waterfall. Meanwhile, Lando, Frodo, and Pumbaa plan a rescue. Elizabeth and Hermione have somehow trapped themselves up a tree sans wand and all of the canines are congregating at the trunk of the tree...* Lando Alright, Pumbaa, we need to use you as bait. Pumbaa Why me?! Lando Because you look delicious. Pumbaa Oh... thank you. Lando Frodo, go out there with him and sing a little song to get their attention. Frodo And what�s your job? Lando I�ll supervise. Frodo Oh. Lando You need to give them enough time to get down from the tree. Then, run the kriff away! Pumbaa Roger! *Frodo and Pumbaa get positioned. Pumbaa is wearing a hula-skirt because he �felt like it.� Frodo starts singing as Pumbaa dances...* Frodo (singing) Luau! If you're hungry for a hunk of fat and juicy meat Eat my buddy Pumbaa here because he is a treat. Come on down and dine on this tasty swine all you have to do is get in line. Aaaare you achin' foooor some bacon? Heeee's a big pig You could be a big pig too! Oy! *The hyena-type canines see that Pumbaa, indeed, looks delicious. They leave the tree and start chasing Frodo and Pumbaa who are now running toward the stream. Elizabeth and Hermione climb down from the tree. Hermione finds her wand on the ground.* Hermione Quick! We�ve got to chase the dogs so I can make them go away! Lando Follow me! *The three of them run to the stream, as well* *Meanwhile, Luke and Padm� are at the stream, still caught up in their romantic moment* Padm� Oh, Luke! Kiss me! Luke And let�s hope nothing weird happens this time. *As they�re about to kiss, Frodo and Pumbaa come charging at them, screaming. A herd of canines is in close pursuit. Frodo and Pumbaa SLAM right into Luke and Padm� and the four of them go tumbling into the cold stream.* Luke Ah! You kriffers! *The canines stop at the bank of the stream because they obviously can�t swim. They start whining and crying like cute little puppies. Hermione, Lando, and Elizabeth come up from behind. Hermione has her wand ready.* Hermione Mortius Canus! *All of the crying puppies drop dead.* Hermione ...Sorry, puppies. Elizabeth Hermione! That is so cruel! Lando And I thought you were a sweet little girl. Padm� Okay, I�m here, sitting in a cold stream. I want to know why. Frodo Hermione made the canines grow angry. And she so mercilessly killed them. Pumbaa saved the day, though. Pumbaa Aww, shucks. I couldn�t�ve done it without my best friend, Timon. Frodo ...Frodo. Pumbaa No, I meant Timon. Because he�s me best friend. Not you. Frodo Oh... *sniff* Luke So Hermione�s the one who ruined our moment? Well, let�s vote her off, then. Lando Sounds like an excellent idea, Luke. Hermione C�mon, you guys! Really, it wasn�t my fault! Pumbaa Sorry, Hermione. But you just cause too much trouble. *A HUGE bubble pops up in the stream right behind Pumbaa. When it pops, it smells like the worst fart in the world.* Everyone EWWWWWW! *Luke, Padm�, and Frodo come scrambling out of the water* Luke On second thought, let�s vote off Pumbaa because he farts too much. Lando Good idea. Hermione Ha! Yes! I�m safe! So long, piggy. *Pumbaa cries, then farts, then cries some more... then farts again.* Narrator And so, the flatulent hog was ejected from the island much like he was ejected from his original home. Sometimes, the circle of sniff is perverted by the scent of farts. Pumbaa returned to Africa and forgot all about Starvivor 3 because his Hankuna Matata philosophy guaranteed indifference to the past. His farting problem, however, continued until the day he died. And even a little after then. THE END |