| Starvivor 3 Chronicles: Episode VII: Gollum Leaves Now and Never Comes Back! by Grand Adm... I mean, uh Hoth Rebel Trooper Narrator Finally, another chance to glimpse the livelihood of the illustrious Sehsams Tribe, the undefeated 9-time winners of the coveted title, �Favorite Tribe.� And look! They�ve got two new members now. Luke Skywalker and Padm� Amidala have joined the ranks of Sehsams. That nasty little mutated hobbit-like creature, Gollum (aka Smeagol), is now trying to consult Hermione and Elizabeth on a solution to their still-present food problem.... Hermione I still can�t figure out why my enlarging spell didn�t work on the rice. Smeagol But it worked on the lizard, it did! Elizabeth He has a point there. Perhaps it only works on living things, Hermione. Hermione But it should work on anything! It�s not making any sense. I wish I could have brought some spell books with me. Smeagol Smeagol has an idea! Listen to Smeagol! Elizabeth What is your suggestion, Smeagol? Smeagol The fat one, the pig, he hogged all the bugses. But he left all the spiders, he did! Girl hobbit, you can makes the spiders grow! Hermione For the last time, I�m not a hobbit! I�m a child. Human children are smaller than adults. Get that through your scull, Gollum. Smeagol But your feetses are big and hairy! Hermione No they�re not! Elizabeth ... Actually, they are. *Hermione looks down at her feet and they are, indeed, hairy and huge.* Hermione What?! That�s not right! They weren�t like that before! Honest! Elizabeth It�s alright, Hermione. We all have our little quirks. Smeagol Your feetses should wear little hats upon their hairdos, they should. *Elizabeth breaks out laughing* Hermione Shut up! Smeagol Wash your feetsy hairs with soap and comb them nice and smooth! Hermione Be quiet! There has to be a logical explanation to it. Elizabeth Well, we�ll figure it out later. Gollum, you were saying something about spiders? Smeagol Yes yes, grow the spiders! Grow them for our food! Hermione That�s disgusting! Only you or Pumbaa would want that. Smeagol Little Miss Hairy-mione-feet is one to talk about disgusting! Elizabeth Ha ha! Hermione ...And who would want a giant spider running around anyway? Sounds like something scary from your Middle-earth. Or it sounds like something that could happen in the forest outside Hogwarts. Gollum (mean) Then makes me a spider that can grow slowly. Ever so slow, so when it gets too big, we can squash it, cut it up, and eats it. *Gollum holds out a little spider he has caught* Gollum Use your wand, girly hobbit. Hermione I�m not a hobbit! But fine! As long as it gets you to go away. *Hermione points the want at the spider.* Hermione Longtempus Agrario Arachnia! *Magical sparks shoot out of the wand into the spider, but there appears to be no visible change in size.* Hermione It should grow very slowly over the next few hours. * Smeagol does a silly little dance* Smeagol Ah he he! Thank you, girly rug-feets! A spider, spider, spider, growing slowly, slowly, slowly... * Smeagol skips away into the woods, singing.* Hermione What a freak. Elizabeth Heh... you do have rather freakish qualities, yourself, Hermione. Hermione Those aren�t my feet! I swear! Elizabeth ... May I pet them? Hermione ...okay? *Meanwhile, Lando is confused as to why Luke does not remember him. (Remember: This Luke is from A New Hope whilst this Lando is from The Empire Strikes Back. Hence, Luke has no knowledge of Lando). Lando, Luke, and Padm� are hanging out around the fire at central camp...* Lando So, you�re sure you don�t remember me at all? Luke No, I�m sorry, I don�t. Lando Really? The guy who betrayed your friend, Han? Luke �Han�? Lando I pronounce it wrong. Luke Oh! You mean �Hawn.� Okay. What do you mean, you betrayed him? Han Darth Vader froze him in Carbonite to make sure the process would be safe so he could later freeze you as a gift to the Emperor. Luke ...What?! Padm� Um, maybe you shouldn�t be telling Luke about his future. That might mess up the whole... destiny thing or whatever. Lando Yeah, you�re right... but it�s so hard to resist! Maybe he can stop me from betraying Han. I feel so bad about that! Luke Then tell me! I want to know everything about the future! Padm� No! Luke, it�s a bad idea. I won�t let you risk that. Luke Yeah... I guess you�re right. Lando What, you�re gonna let her boss you around like that? What is she, your mother? Luke No, she�s my girlfriend!... Right? Padm� Um... well, I don�t know, Luke... Luke But we made out! Padm� Yeah... but the thing is... I�m... Lando Really a man? Padm� No!... I�m married. Luke What?! You�re married?! Padm� ...Yeah. Sorry. Luke Why didn�t you tell me?! Padm� It�s supposed to be a secret. I almost let it slip out a few times. I�m really sorry, Luke. I really like you! I just feel so guilty. Luke But... but... *sniff* *Luke starts crying* Lando Um... this is very awkward. I think I�ll... go. *And so, Lando got up and left while Padm� tried to comfort Luke. Later in the evening, Frodo and Pumbaa follow Gollum to the mountainous center of the island...* Pumbaa So you say there is a glorious treasure trove of food in the mountain? Smeagol Yes, yes, follow Smeagol to the food. Master and pigsy must trust good Smeagol. Follow, sillies, no time to lose! Frodo Smeagol, we�ve been wandering for hours. Are you certain we�re not lost? Smeagol Master, of course we are not lost. Would good Smeagol get lost? No, you will see. Come, hobbitses... and... hoggitses. Pumbaa I don�t think I can go any farther, Frodo! I�m pooped! Gollum What, again? We thoughts you went two minutes ago. Pumbaa No! �Pooped� as in �tired�! Gollum Fat, poopy, lazy hog! Frodo Gollum! What did I tell you about being nice? I think we should rest for a bit. Pumbaa Thank you, Frodo. *The three of them sit by a pond to rest. Frodo takes off his shoes to relax. Pumbaa looks at Frodo�s feet.* Pumbaa Umm... why do you have small, dainty, feminine feet?... Frodo What? I don�t have... *Frodo looks at his feet and they are, indeed, small, dainty, hairless and feminine. Plus, the toenails are painted pink.* Frodo Ahhhh! Those aren�t my feet! Smeagol Ah hahaha ha! Hahaha ha! Master has girly girl-girl feetses! Frodo Be quiet! They aren�t mine, I swear! Eww, they�re so disgusting. I can�t bear to look at them. *Frodo puts his shoes back on* Smeagol No wonder you tire so quickly with itty-bitty female-fitties like that. Pumbaa Would you give it a rest, already? Frodo Rest... yes, Pumbaa, we need rest. Real rest. It�s nearly dark out now. There is no chance we shall return to camp before nightfall. We should sleep here for the night. Pumbaa That is an excellent suggestion! Smeagol Always resting, you are! But what Master says, master gets, of course. Yes, yes, we sleep. Sleep tight, Master. Sleep fat, pig. Pumbaa Goodnight, Smeagol. Goodnight, Frodo. Frodo Goodnight, Pumbaa. Goodnight, Smeagol. Smeagol Goodnight, Master. Goodnight, pig. Pumbaa Goodnight, Smeagol. Goodni... Frodo Alright, that�s enough! *Night falls, the moons rise, and Frodo and Pumbaa fall fast asleep. Gollum pretends to be sleeping until he�s sure that they�re both in a state of slumber. He then gets up, sneaks into Frodo�s pack and takes out the last remaining rice. He sprinkles it onto Pumbaa. He then goes over to the pond and leans in to look at his reflection. He starts talking to himself, switching between his personalities* Gollum Smeeeeeagol. We aren�t scared now, are we? Smeagol No! No, not scared! But.. Master... Master�s our friend! Gollum You don�t have any friends! Nobody likes you! Smeagol I�m not listening, I�m not listening. Gollum Kill the hobbit! Take our precious back! Smeagol No! Smeagol could never hurt master! Gollum What about the fat one? He knows. Always watching. Always farting. Smeagol Well, yes, Smeagol could kill the pig, yes. But not Master! Gollum We could... bring him to... her. Smeagol Yes... she could do it! Gollum You put her in the cave, yes? Smeagol Yes yes, precious, right in the cave, just like you asked. Gollum Good. Soon. She needs to feed. Always hungry. And when she is done... Smeagol We can take the precious for me! Gollum For us. Smeagol ...No! Just for me! Gollum What? Smeagol Leave now and never come back! Gollum (furious) ARRRGGGHHHH! Smeagol Leave NOW! And NEVER come back!... *There is a silence, Gollum has appeared to have left. Smeagol is about to jump up and celebrate, when Pumbaa yells out from behind him* Pumbaa Wake up, Frodo! He means to murder us! Smeagol Never! *Frodo, wakes up, confused.* Frodo What?... Smeagol He lies! The fat one lies! Smeagol wouldn�t hurt a fly! Pumbaa I heard him! He said he�s gonna kill us! * Smeagol gets up close to Pumbaa* Smeagol What�s this?... Rice in his fur? He�s been hogging all the rice! Pumbaa What?! No I didn�t! He must�ve done it! Smeagol Rice?! Smeagol doesn�t eat nasty rice. Frodo He�s right, he doesn�t eat it. We needed that rice, Pumbaa! Pumbaa But... but... Frodo Go home, Pumbaa! I don�t need you! Go home! *Pumbaa starts crying, then runs off back toward camp in tears.* Smeagol Come, Master. We must finish the climb. *So the two of them ascend the volcanic mountain, though Frodo has much difficulty climbing with his dainty feet. They finally reach the tunnel. Inside, Gollum gets far ahead of Frodo until Frodo is alone in the dark cave. He takes out Galadriel�s Phial to light his way when all other lights have gone out. Then, suddenly, there is movement ahead of him...* Frodo Smeagol?! *The figure emerges. It is a HUGE grotesque giant spider! Frodo makes a run for it, but then he gets caught in a very sticky web. He can hear Gollum singing.* Gollum ...Caught in a web. Soon he�ll be... eaten. Frodo That doesn�t rhyme!! *The spider approaches Frodo rapidly and is about to eat him when Frodo takes Galadriel�s Phial and SHOVES it into the Spider�s mouth. The Phial breaks, and the magical liquid burns through the spider�s esophagus. Then the spider EXPLODES! The huge messy explosion causes the web to rip apart, setting Frodo free. The explosive force also rips off all Frodo�s clothes, including his necklace that holds the One Ring. The Ring goes flying off outside the cave* Frodo No! My precious! Gollum MY precious! *Naked Frodo makes a run for the Ring before Gollum can get to it. He gets outside, picks it up, and scrabbles to think of a place to put it. He looks down at his dainty feet... He decides to put it on a toe. Once it slides over the pink toenail, Frodo becomes invisible. Gollum sees this happen.* Gollum Noo! Arggghh!! *Gollum LUNGES at naked invisible Frodo and starts beating him up. It looks kind of funny the way Gollum is floating in the air. Gollum uses his Ring-sense to place the ring and he crawls down to Frodo�s feet and BITES off the ring-bearing toe. Frodo screams like Hermione.* Smeagol We have it! Our precious! Yes! *Smeagol holds the toe up in the air and does a little dance. He is dangerously close to a cliff-edge...* Pumbaa Not so fast! ATTACK! *Pumbaa comes out of nowhere, with all of the other Sehsams members following behind. Pumbaa JUMPS into the air and does a kung-fu kick to Gollum�s head. Gollum drops the toe, then falls down the cliff, screaming.* Lando Um... what just happened? Elizabeth And why is Frodo naked? *Elizabeth, Padm�, and Hermione giggle. Frodo blushes. Pumbaa sees the toe on the ground.* Pumbaa Ooo! A pink-headed slug! How rare! *Pumbaa eats it, thinking it�s a pink headed slug. He swallows the Ring along with it.* Frodo My Ring! You fat, stupid, farty HOG! *Pumbaa is about to cry again, when suddenly Gollum jumps up from the cliff edge!* Gollum You! ATE! MYY! PREEEEECIOUS!!!! *Gollum LEAPS into Pumbaa�s mouth and gets swallowed whole. Gross noises of indigestion can be heard from the warthog�s stomach. Then Pumbaa lets out a humongous FART and Gollum comes flying out of his butt.* Hermione Ugh... that is... beyond vulgar. *Luke vomits* Padm� How is that... physically possible? Lando ... Are you okay, Pumbaa? Pumbaa *gasp*.... Medic. *Gollum faints due to the fumes and is left on the ground unconscious. Naked Frodo snatches up the Ring. Hermione looks at Frodo�s feet* Hermione Those are my feet! *Frodo looks at Hermione�s feet* Frodo And those are MY feet! Lando How the kriff did that happen? *Hermione shrugs* Frodo Well, fix it! Hermione Swatch Pedeas, Covertas Hobbitten and Mendio Porkanus! *A burst of magic issues from Hermione�s wand. The feet are switched, the toe is placed back on, Frodo gets some clothes on, and Pumbaa�s butt is mended.* Pumbaa Ahhhh. How pleasant. Frodo Hey! Who�s been petting my feet?! *Elizabeth blushes* Narrator And so, the obvious decision was made to vote that nasty Gollum off the island for being such a sneak. Not everyone voted for Gollum, however. He only lost by one vote. And that vote was cast by Smeagol who apparently forgot that he was the same person as Gollum. Gollum returned to Middle-earth and again got another chance to get his precious. He went on to die in a lava pit. How tragic. THE END |
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