| Starvivor 3 Chronicles: Episode III: A Victim of Chaos by Grand Adm... I mean, uh Hoth Rebel Trooper Narrator Ah, yes, the Sehsams tribe, the three-time winners of the illustrious title of Favorite Tribe. How they bask in the glory. Until this day... when by chance... or perhaps by fate under the guise of randomness, they must face the grim reaper of castaways. Who shall perish? Who shall be denied the 1 million credit prize? I bet you already know it�s Ian. But read this script anyway to find out why! So, Dr. Ian Malcolm, in an attempt to woo the beautiful Elizabeth Swann, is now describing his adventures in Jurassic Park while sitting with her on the beach... Ian So, so, Hammond says that when Disneyland opened, none of the rides worked. And then I said �Yeah, but John, if the Pirates of the Caribbean breaks down, the pirates don't eat the tourists.� And you know, he should�ve listened... Elizabeth Wait, Pirates of the Caribbean? Ian Yeah, it�s a ride. In... in Disneyland. With robot pirates. You know... for tourists to have fun. Elizabeth Well that�s rather silly. I�d have no need for such a ride. I�ve lived the real thing. I was kidnapped by real pirates. Well... real, dead... ghost pirates... Ian That�s, that�s very interesting but you didn�t let me finish my story. Elizabeth Oh, so sorry. So you were saying there were... gigantic lizards... Ian Yeah, Dinosaurs. You sure you�ve never heard of them? Well, anyway, the lawyer got out of the car and went to the bathroom and... *Lando enters and interrupts* Lando Well well, there you are, Elizabeth. Might I say that you are looking particularly stunning this afternoon. Elizabeth (blushing) Oh, why thank you, Captain Calrissian... *Lando takes Elizabeth�s hand and kisses it* Lando Please, call me Lando. Elizabeth (smiling) Well... thank you... Lando. Lando You truly belong with us here on Sehsams. Ian Mr... Mr. Lando, I think, uhh, I think I was talking to... *Lando helps Elizabeth up* Lando Please, come with me. I�ve found a wonderful waterfall that you must see. Elizabeth I�d be delighted. *Lando and Elizabeth leave. Ian remains sitting alone.* Ian Well, who could have predicted that she�d, uhh, choose that gambler over me. See, here I�m now by myself, um, er, talking to myself. That�s, that�s Chaos Theory. *Meanwhile, in an attempt to solve the tribe�s growing problem of food shortage, Frodo Gollum, and Hermione are trying to find fish in the stream...* Gollum (singing) My only wish, to catch a fish, so juicy sweet! Frodo Gollum! Would you please stop singing that, it�s not helping. Hermione I don�t think there are any fish here, Frodo. I tried a fish-calling spell, but none came. Gollum No fish? No fish?! What kind of a nasty place has no fish!? Frodo Well, we are in a strange land, indeed. I have seen many creatures new to my eyes. I wouldn�t be surprised if this island is fishless. Hermione I wonder if those little lizards are edible... Gollum Smeagol will find out! Yes, yeeeeesss! *A little lizard that walks on two legs prances by. It is adorable with big puppy-dog eyes. Just makes you want to saw �awwwww.�* Frodo and Hermione Awwwwww. *Gollum snatches it up and BITES off its head, then sucks the guts out of its belly, then eats the rest.* Frodo and Hermione Ewwwwwww. Gollum Yes yes, very tasty it is, very tasty! Frodo I don�t know if we should trust his sense of taste... *Pumbaa wanders in, lugging along a basket-full of creepy-crawlies* Pumbaa Our food problems are now over! Gollum Ah, we should eats the pig, we shoulds! Pumbaa No no no, not me! Bugs! I have found a near-endless supply of scrumptialicious bugs! Frodo Dear me, I don�t know if I�m THAT hungry. Hermione We may not have much of a choice... Gollum Smeagol will try! Smeagol will try! *Gollum grabs a hand-full of squirming bugs, stuffs them in his mouth, and chews away. Apparently delighted by their taste, he takes another handful... then another* Pumbaa Hey! Don�t hog them all! Gollum Ohh? You�re one to talk, you fat, fat hog! Fat one! We always hates the fat ones! *Pumbaa starts crying* Pumbaa You�re lowering my self-esteem. *sniff* Frodo Smeagol! Be nice! Gollum Well it�s not our fault he�s such a fat, stinking, fartsy, hoggy hog! *Gollum eats up the last of the bugs* Pumbaa *sniff* Now you�ve gone and eaten all of them! Gollum And we�ll go and eats you too when we is hungry again! Fat! Lazy! Stupid hog! Frodo Gollum! Enough! We decided I�m your master, remember? Enough! Gollum Yes, master... *under breath* �fat hog!�... We means, sorry, master. Pumbaa I�ll never catch bugs for you again! *Pumbaa runs off into the woods, crying like a baby warthog* Hermione Well, so much for that food source. And I really don�t think there�s enough of those lizards to go around for everybody. Frodo If only we had some lembas bread. Hermione Lembas bread? Gollum Uck! Nasty bread! Frodo It�s an Elven bread... It lasts much longer than regular bread because only a small amount can nourish you for a whole day. Hermione Interesting. How does it work? Frodo I�m not quite certain... though I believe the Elves enchant it with some sort of magic. Hermione That gives me an idea! I bet I can think up a spell that could make small food items last longer! It�s brilliant! Frodo That�s great! What food should we use? Hermione I believe there�s still some rice left! Frodo Brilliant! Gollum Uck! Nasty rice! *Meanwhile, Lando and Elizabeth are admiring the waterfall. Ian wanders into the scene, hoping to get Elizabeth�s attention back to himself...* Lando ...I�m always so busy with running my city and doing other adventurous things, that I hardly ever get a chance to just relax and look at nature like this... with a beautiful young lady by my side... It�s as if every little moment has led right up to this... Ian (interrupting) Yes, actually, it�s exactly like that. Lando Oh... hello... Ian. Ian Hello... Lando. Elizabeth Er... a perfect waterfall, isn�t it, Ian? Ian Well... what is perfection? I mean, the, the waterfall as you see it now is completely different than it was ten years ago, or, or, uhh, ten days ago, even ten seconds ago. Each water molecule is traveling downward, pulled by the force of gravity. Every little pebble, and every, uhh, insect in the water, every speck of dirt... all of them effect the way in which the waterfall will fall. Or, or, even if it will fall at all. If one little pebble was missing from the stream as it is, the whole waterfall could... could be in an entirely different place altogether. That�s, that�s Chaos Theory. That�s what I study. Elizabeth Oh... interesting. Lando (laughing) Ian, is that your only method of impressing the ladies? Ian Uhhh, unfortunately, yes. *Pumbaa enters the scene, looking very sad* Pumbaa Hey guys, I�m supposed to tell you all to come to the camp so Hermione can show you her experiment. Ian An experiment? Without me supervising? Why, why, the results could be catastrophic! Elizabeth Aww, why are you so sad, Pumbaa. Pumbaa Ohhh, it�s nothing really. Lando C�mon little buddy, you can tell us. Pumbaa Well... that Gollum... he called me fat. I know I am fat, but still, it hurts. Elizabeth Awwww, poor Pumbaa. You�re not fat. That Gollum is just a nasty little snotty-head! Here, let me give you a kiss. *Elizabeth kneels down and gives Pumbaa a kiss on the lips* Lando and Ian On the lips?! *Yes, on the lips* Elizabeth There, feel better? Pumbaa Aye Chihuahua! I sure do! *Elizabeth and Pumbaa start off to central camp* Lando Amazing, the first one to kiss her is the pig. Ian That�s, that�s so not fair. Lando I guess it�s a matter of her personal taste. Ian Oh God, I hope not. *Eventually, everyone is gathered at the central camp. Hermione sits with a small pile of rice before her. Her wand is ready in her hand* Hermione Alright, I think I�ve figured this out. But just in case, you all better stand back just a bit. Ian Wait, don�t start yet, I need to go to the bathroom! Hermione (annoyed) Can�t it wait? Ian When you�ve gotta go, you�ve gotta go. *Ian gets up and starts running toward the makeshift outhouse. On his way, he happens to kick a little pebble onto the edge of the path. He enters the outhouse. One of those little cute lizards trots onto the path, but then steps on the pebble that Ian had kicked. The pebble is sharp, so it hurts the lizard. He starts squealing and jumping around and jumps toward the central camp. Everyone sees the little lizard* Everyone Awwwwwww. *Hermione, deciding not to wait for Ian, points her want at the rice and says her spell* Hermione Enlargious Foodius! *The screaming injured lizard hops right between the rice and her wand as she says this, and he instantly grows HUGE. I mean, REALLY huge. He is the size a Tyrannosaurus-Rex. Instead of squealing, he ROARS* Everyone Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! *Everyone panics and scatters about. Pumbaa runs toward the outhouse and the giant lizard decides to follow him because he smells like bacon. Pumbaa leaps into the forest, but the lizard keeps walking toward the outhouse. He picks up the roof with his mouth and tosses it to the side. The walls collapse, leaving only Ian, there, sitting on the potty. Ian What?! No, this is how the lawyer dies! *This lizard bites into a screaming Ian, and tilts up his head, about to swallow when Hermione comes up from behind with her wand...* Hermione Shrinkius Lizardus! *The lizard returns to it�s normal size and meows.* Everyone Meows?! *Hermione shrugs* *Gollum snatches up the lizard, pokes out its eyes, crunches its head with his teeth, pulls out its intestines and starts twirling them around in the air.* Everyone Ewwwwwwwwwww! Ian Were you guys saying �eww� because of Gollum or because my pants are down? *Everyone notices his pants are down* Everyone EWWWWWWWWWWWW! Hermione Okay, everyone, that was NOT my fault. Someone must have aggravated that lizard. Gollum Smeagol knows, yess, we knows who dids it. Elizabeth Who was it? *Gollum points at Ian* Gollum It was the smartsy-pants yes, it was! He kicked the pebble that made the lizard go mad, yes, yes, he dids. Ian What? It�s my fault because I kicked a pebble?! Gollum It is your chaos theory, it is! Frodo My my, Smeagol. You certainly are observant. Gollum We has to be if we wants to gets the precious back... I mean... uh... Gollum! Gollum! Hermione Well I say we vote off Dr. Malcolm for what he has done. Lando That is an excellent idea, Hermione. Plus, it reduces my competition. *Lando winks at Elizabeth* Elizabeth Oh, there never was competition, believe me. *Elizabeth winks back* Ian I can�t believe this! You�re voting me off because of an occurrence of chaos theory that I had no control over? You�re, you�re missing the whole point of the theory! Gollum We don�t wants you! Go away... and never come back! Lando And put some pants on, man! Narrator And so, Ian became a victim of his own precious Chaos Theory. He returned to his home in Texas and vowed NEVER to go to another island again. He started teaching math again the day after he got back. When he got to class, he realized he still wasn�t wearing pants. THE END |
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