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| Starvivor 3 Chronicles: Episode XVII: Forrest Gump, Castaway by Grand Adm... I mean, uh Hoth Rebel Trooper Narrator A feather floats through the air in a small Alabama town as sentimental music plays. It flutters down toward a man in a white suit, sitting upright on a bench. It lands on his muddy shoe. He picks it up, opens his suitcase and places it in his Curious George book. This is Forrest Gump. He is mentally challenged. A woman sits next to him on the bench. Forrest Hello. My name�s Forrest, Forrest Gump. Woman Don�t talk to me. I hate people. *Forrest holds out a box of chocolates* Forrest You wanna chocolate? Woman Chocolate makes me break out in hives. Get it away from me. Forrest I could eat about a million and a half of these. I almost won a million dollars, you know. Woman Yeah right. Forrest It�s true. I was a contestant on that game Starvivor 3. I dunno if you�ve ever heard of it. Woman No, and I don�t want to hear about it. Forrest There was this one day on the island when three of the boys were pickin� on me on account of my retarded nature... *Flashback to the island. Lando, Luke, and Frodo are all pointing at Forrest, laughing. Dory is swimming around in her bowl, watching.* Frodo Look guys! He�s dumber than an Orc! He doesn�t know his hat from his underwear! *Sure enough, Forrest is wearing a pair of whity-tighties on his head* Forrest It�s a comfortable hat. Luke Hah ha! He�s a... butt face! Because... because usually underwear goes on one�s... butt... but it�s on his... face... Yeah! Lando You know who�s really a butt face, though? Luke What, that Ponda Baba guy in the cantina? Lando Yeah! What an unfortunate species. Man, I wonder if he eats out of his... Frodo Stop making fun of people who aren�t here! Let�s continue to ridicule Forrest! Forrest You guys are being mean today! Dory Yeah! Stop being mean to Forrest! Luke But we�re so bored. We need someone to pick on. C�mon, let�s throw rocks at him! Dory Run, Forrest, run! *Forrest begins to run. Luke, Lando, and Frodo chase after him, but they can�t keep up. Frodo stumbles and Luke and Lando trip over the hobbit, smacking their faces on rocks.* *Cut back to the bench with Forrest talking to the woman* Forrest I just kept running! And I ended up on the other side of the island, all alone. So I got nakie except for a loin cloth and the underwears on my head. And I danced around fires and went crazy. And I found a volleyball and I named it Wilson. And he was my bestest and only friend on the island. Woman And that�s it? Forrest No ma�am, there�s more. The boys over at the camp were startin� to feel sorry for what they did. *Flashback to Xobeffisams camp* Luke Man, I�m starting to feel bad about what we did to Forrest. Lando You pansy. There�s nothin� wrong with being a jerk every now and then. Frodo No, it feels horrid. I can�t stop thinking about that poor defenseless moron all alone in the wilderness. Dory Who are you guys talking about? Luke Forrest. We chased him into the... forest. Dory Huh? You chased the forest into the forest? Luke No! It�s Forrest with two r�s. Dory Ooooohhh. Like the Civil War hero, General Nathan Bedford Forrest. He founded the Klu Klux Klan. Lando What�s the Klu Klux Klan? Dory They used to dress up in bed sheets and pick on people for being different! Lando Ha! Sounds like fun! I would definitely join. Frodo Wait a minute, Dory. How do you know that? Dory I read a lot! Luke How she learned to read is still beyond me. *Cuts back to bench* Woman Hold on. How do you know all that happened if you weren�t even there? Forrest I dunno. The same way I know all the things that happened to Jenny while I wasn�t there. Woman It doesn�t make any sense. Forrest Neither does Michael Jackson. Woman So true. Forrest So anyway, I came back to the camp carrying Wilson and wearin� my lion cloth. Woman Loin cloth. Forrest That�s what I said. Woman You said lion cloth. Forrest I know. Woman ... What? *Flashback to camp* Forrest So I walked on in with Wilson in my arms and I said hello to Luke, Lando, Frodo, and Dory. Luke Hey Forrest. Why are you narrating yourself? Forrest Huh? Oops, I gots confused for a second there. I was supposed to say that before the flashback. Lando Nice loin cloth, Forrest. I can see your ball. Luke What?! Lando I meant... can I see your ball? Forrest Sure, his name is Wilson. Be careful with him. *Forrest hands his ball to Lando. Lando bounces it around* Dory I like your ball, Forrest! Forrest I like your bowl, Dory! Dory Hehe! You flirt! Frodo Let me play with your ball, Forrest! Lando It�s still my turn! Luke I want a turn! *Luke and Frodo crowd around Lando trying to grab at the ball like little children. Lando turns toward the ocean, drops the ball, then kicks it hard! It flies way out to sea* Forrest Nooo! Wilson! *Forrest runs toward the ocean and jumps right in. He starts to swim for Wilson. Wilson gets pulled farther and farther away with the tide.* Frodo Why�d you do that, Lando?! Lando Look, all the hot babes have been voted off. I need to find ways to amuse myself! Dory Well there are less mean things to do than kicking Forrest�s favorite ball! I�m going after him! *Dory leaps from her bowl and somehow makes it all the way to the ocean. She swims after Forrest, who is starting to drown* Forrest I�ve got to save Wilson! Dory Who�s Wilson?! Forrest He�s my ball! Dory Um... okay. You�re drowning! We need to get you to shore! Forrest But what about Wilson?! Dory I�m sure he�ll be fine. C�mon, let�s go before I forget which direction the island is. Hop onto my back! Forrest Okay! *Forrest sits his bottom on Dory�s back.* Dory Oh, sick! *She starts swimming toward the island. Since she�s so small, it just look like Forrest is sitting in the water by himself and propelling toward shore. They make it and Forrest steps onto the beach* Dory You should really consider wearing that underwear under your loin cloth instead of on your head. I�m lucky that I�ll soon forget that experience. *Lando, Luke, and Frodo rush to the beach* Frodo Go on, Lando. You know what to say. Lando Yeah, yeah, yeah... Look, Forrest... I�m sorry. Is there any way I could make it up to you? Forrest Well, I would really like a new pair of sneakers. Lando Done! *Lando holds out a nice new pair of sneakers* Forrest Wow! Them�s fancy! *Forrest garbs the shoes and puts them on* Luke Where�d you get those, Lando?! Lando I won �em off Steve when we played strip poker. Luke What?! I don�t remember any strip poker! Why wasn�t I invited?! Lando No, it was just me and Steve. Luke Oh... That�s a little weird, Lando. Lando I realize that now. Frodo So uhh... who are we voting off? Lando Well, you, of course. Frodo Me?! Why?! Dory Hi everybody! I�m Dory! Forrest Hello. I�m Forrest, Forrest Gump. I just got new sneakers! I wanna run in �em! Dory Run, Forrest, run! Forrest Okay! *Forrest runs off into the woods and disappears, underwear still on head* Lando That boy�s a runnin� fool! *Cuts back to bench* Forrest And I just kept� runnin�! I ran all the way here and now I�m waitin� for the bus. Woman Wait... you ran through the vacuum of space to get here? Forrest Yep! It sure gets perdy cold out there. Woman And that�s why you lost? Forrest Yes ma�am. It�s against the rules to leave the island. I was disqualified and Frodo got to stay. Woman You realize you�ve still got that pair of underwear on your head. Forrest I do? *Forrest takes off the underwear. The wind picks up and the pair of undies goes floating through the air. The sentimental music begins to play again. The underwear floats up and up to the sky. How touching* THE END |