 |
|
| Starvivor 3 Chronicles: Episode XVI: Luke, I am Your Mother by Grand Adm... I mean, uh Hoth Rebel Trooper Narrator And there comes a time in the life of every Starvivor tribe where it must be whittled down to six members. And this tribe was whittled down indeed. And six is the number of confessions and realizations. Well, not really, I just made that up. But from now on, it�s true! There are still many things unknown to certain members of the Xobeffisams tribe. Luke is about to discover something so shocking, so retched, so horrifying that he may no longer have the will to go on! What could this little fact be? He is soon to find out as he confronts Lando about Padm�s recent admission to being pregnant... Luke Okay, listen man, this whole Padm� pregnant thing is real bad news. Lando Why? She�s not allowed to be pregnant? Luke No, you don�t understand! Lando, there�s something I need to tell you... Lando Wait a minute... oh kriff, you DIDN�T?! Did you?! Luke I�m pretty sure I did. Lando You got the famous Senator Padm� Skywalker pregnant?! Luke Yes, I... what? Wait... Padm� Skywalker? Lando Yeah, man. That�s her last name. She�s married to Anakin Skywalker. Wait a minute... isn�t your last name also Skywalker? *Luke blinks* *Lando blinks* Luke OH KRIFF!! KRIFF KRIFF! KRIFF!!... KRIFF! Lando Slow down, what does this mean? Luke Anakin Skywalker was my father�s name! Lando She�s married to your dad?... Wait... does that mean she�s your?... Luke She�s my kriffing MOM! Lando Dude, she�s your MOM! Luke She�s my MOM! Oh kriffing kriffs of all kriffs, I�m kriffed because I kriffing kriffed my own kriffing mom! Lando Whoa, lay back on the kriffs there, fella. Luke What... what do I say to her?! Oh kriff! Lando Wait... if she�s pregnant now, then... Luke Holy kriff. Right now I�m a kriffing fetus in her kriffing womb! Lando That is so... deep. Whoa. Luke That means... I... that means I could be my own father! Lando Whoa... whoa, now. Luke That�s so... KRIFFED UP, MAN! Lando Now hold on a second, I could be your dad, too. Luke What?! Since when?! Lando Since last week. Luke Padm� was still going out with me last week! Lando I know. Luke You kriffer! Lando C�mon, Luke. She�s like the village speeder bike; everyone�s had a ride! Luke Whatever, I don�t care! And you can�t be my dad, I mean, look... *Luke points at his skin* Lando Oh, I guess that rules me out, then. Luke Oh man... if I�m my own dad, then... then I�m also my own son. Lando And your own grandpa. Luke Huh? How�s that? Lando Well you�re the father of yourself and yourself is your father, so your father�s father is also yourself, making you your own grandfather. Luke This is kriffing with my head. Lando And you�re also your own great-grandfather... and great-great grandfather... and all the great-greats into infinity. Luke Stop it! Lando Are you going to cut your own umbilical chord? Luke Shut up! Maybe... maybe she was pregnant before she got here... Lando But we�ve been here for like, three months. Don�t they usually know within, like... a month? Luke How should I know? I don�t know how those things work. Lando Maybe we should go ask her. Luke No! No! I don�t want that kind of awkward confrontation! Lando But haven�t you always wanted to meet your mom? Luke Yeah, but not in the way I�ve already met her! Lando Haha, you know, if there was a father-son picnic, you could go by yourself... Luke Shut up! It�s not funny! Lando Hey, did you teach yourself how to shave? Luke SHUT UP! *Meanwhile, Frodo and Forrest are watching Padm� take a nap. She is snoring. Dory is also there, taking a nap in her bowl.* Forrest Padm� sure is perdy, ain�t she, Frodo? Frodo Yes, very... perdy. Like an angel. Forrest You should tell her she looks like an angel. Frodo No way! She�s going out with Lando now. He�d beat me up. Why don�t you tell her? Forrest Naw, I like �owyn. Frodo �owyn was just voted off, Forrest. Forrest Oh, right. Then I like Dory. Frodo Are you serious? Forrest She and I have a lot in common. Frodo Yes, I agree. Forrest Let�s wake them both up at the same time and call them angels! Frodo I don�t know, Forrest... *Forrest yells* Forrest BOO! *Padm� and Dory jerk up, awake.* Forrest You start, Frodo! Padm� What�s going on?... Frodo Um... Padm�... hi... *Frodo nervously looks down and twiddles his fingers* Padm� Hi... Frodo Are you an angel? Padm� What? Forrest My turn! Dory, are you an angelfish? Dory No, I�m a surgeonfish. Forrest Yay! Okay, Frodo, it�s your turn. Frodo This is stupid. Can we stop? Forrest Padm�, Frodo likes you. Padm� Oh does he? *Frodo looks at the ground* Frodo Yes... Dory Is it my turn yet?! *Lando drags Luke by the arm into the scene. Luke avoids eye contact with Padm�* Lando Hey everyone, what�s going on here? Forrest Frodo like Padm�! Frodo Silence, you fool! Forrest My momma always said �who�s the more foolish? The fool or the fool who follows him?� Luke Hey! Your momma didn�t say that! Ben did! Forrest You�re just jealous because you don�t got a momma. *Luke slaps himself in the face* Lando Hey, stop abusing your son, Luke. Luke (through clenched teeth) Be quiet, Lando! Padm� I�m sorry Frodo, I�m going out with Lando. Frodo I understand... Padm� I don�t like hairy feet... they�re course and rough... and they get everywhere... *Padm� stands up and puts her arms around Lando* Padm� Everything Lando is soft... and smooth. Lando Oh yeah, baby, there ain�t no one smoother than Lando. *Padm� and Lando start making out. Luke looks really angry. Lando Luke�s got something to tell you. Right, Luke? Padm� What is it, Luke? *Everyone stares at Luke, waiting* Luke I... I never told you what really happened to my father. Padm� You told me enough. You told me he was killed. Luke No! I am my father! *Everyone blinks* Padm� What?... Luke Search your feelings! You know it to be true! Forrest I think Luke need a podiatrist. Lando You mean a psychiatrist. Padm� Podiatrists are foot doctors. Frodo By the way, my feet get everywhere, Padm�? What�s that supposed to mean? Dory Hi, I�m Dory! Luke EVERYONE SHUT THE KRIFF UP I�M TRYING TO TELL PADM� SHE�S MY MOM! *Lando chuckles* Padm� Wha... what? Luke I�m Luke Skywalker. Anakin was my dad. *Padm� gags* Padm� Sorry, I just threw up a little in my mouth... Lando Tell her your theory, Luke! Luke Well, you know how you�re pregnant now? Padm� Yeah? Luke Well that�s probably me in there. *Luke points to her belly* Padm� Oh sick. This is so wrong. Luke Yeah, tell me about it. So, um... yeah. I guess I�m my own dad. *Luke blushes* Padm� Haha! Luke Why are you laughing?! Don�t you find it disturbing?! Padm� How can you be your own dad? You and I never... Luke Yes we did! Remember! At the circus! Padm� What circus? Luke Oh crap... that was just a dream. Never mind, then. Phew! Forrest I�m confused. Padm� I guess Luke�s my son. Forrest You got a son named Luke, too?! Padm� No, this Luke IS my son. My son from the future. Come here, son, give me a hug. Luke Mommy! *Luke and Padm� hug. Luke begins to cry like a baby. Forrest cries, too.* Lando So wait, who�s Luke�s dad, then? Padm� Well, it could be either Ian, Peter, Smith, Palpatine, Malcolm, or E.T. Everyone E.T.?!?! Padm� Just kidding, it�s Anakin. I was pregnant before I got here. Luke Don�t scare me like that, mom! Frodo Tell me what you mean by my feet getting everywhere!! Narrator And so, everyone voted to kick off Luke because of his strange feelings toward his mother... However, there was a confusion amongst the producers and they accidentally ejected Padm� from the island instead of Luke because they thought the vote was for FETUS Luke, who happened to be residing in Padm�s womb. Thus, grown-up Luke remained. Padm� returned and her husband quickly turned to the dark side when he watched all the episodes of Starvivor 3 and saw what an unfaithful little minx she was. |