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| Starvivor 3 Chronicles: Episode XV: She is No Man! by Grand Adm... I mean, uh Hoth Rebel Trooper Narrator With half of the island burnt to a crisp due to Elizabeth Swann�s drunken pyro rampage, the producers of this show had to relocate the castaways to another beach. Governor Swann compensated us by supplying funds to rebuild a camp for the shelterless Starvivors. Well, it turns out he gave us a little TOO much money, so we decided to splurge a bit. We used the extra money to buy seven horses from various films and television shows to be used in a very special immunity challenge. But first, before we get to the challenge, Luke is confronting Padm� about the other night... Luke So you�re pretty crazy when you�re drunk, huh? Padm� That�s what people tell me. I wouldn�t know for sure. I always get so wasted that I can�t remember anything. Luke Well, do you happen to remember what you said BEFORE you were drunk? Padm� Uhhhhh... no? Luke You said you were getting bored with me and you want Lando instead! Padm� I said that? Luke Yes. Padm� Wow... well now that I think about it, it�s true. I do want Lando. Luke What?! You mean if I hadn�t reminded you, you would�ve stayed with me? Padm� Yep. Luke That�s not fair! Padm� Stop whining. I just find Lando much more suave and sexy. And being with you feels so... wrong for some reason. Don�t you get that feeling? Luke The only feeling I get for you is love! *sniff* Padm� Oh please, don�t cry. I�m sure �owyn would go for you. She digs dudes with swords. Luke But... but... she�s blonde! Padm� Yeah. Poor her. Oh well. I�m going to go take a bath without you. Bye. *Padm� gets up and leaves Luke alone* Luke Well, at least Leia likes me better than she likes Han... right?... Who the kriff am I talking to? Argh, I�m such a loser! *Luke starts crying* *Meanwhile, �owyn, Lando, Forrest, Frodo, and Dory are all sitting around the brand new central camp.* Frodo �owyn, does Sam survive the journey as well? I must know. �owyn Frodo, I thought we agreed that I wasn�t to tell you anymore of your future. Frodo But it�s been bothering me so much. I can�t sleep. I don�t want Sam to die! Who would do my gardening?! Forrest I�ll do your gardening for you, Mr. Frodo. �owyn You won�t do Frodo�s gardening, Forrest Frodo Because Sam lives?! �owyn No, because Forrest�s going home to Earth, not Middle-Earth. Frodo So Sam dies?! �owyn I didn�t say that. Frodo So he lives! �owyn No, I�m not going to tell you, Frodo! Frodo You are too cruel, Miss �owyn. �owyn Lando, you�re from Luke�s future much like I�m from Frodo�s future, right? Lando That�s right. And I haven�t told him a thing. �owyn You see, Frodo, Luke doesn�t get to know his future either. Frodo It�s not fair! You make me angry, �owyn. I�m going to take Dory to check the tree mail. Dory Yay! I love tree mail!... I think. *Frodo picks up Dory�s bowl and wanders off into the woods toward the tree mail box* �owyn But Lando, you could tell us what becomes of Luke Skywalker, couldn�t you? Lando Alright, but you two have to promise not to tell. Forrest Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye. Lando Eww, don�t do that. Forrest It�s a childhood rhyme for making promises. �owyn How violent. Lando Well anyway, yeah, I�ll tell you what happens to Luke. He becomes a Jedi knight! �owyn A knight? Does he wield a sword, par chance? Lando Yes, a lightsaber. You saw how good he was with a sword even when he was drunk. �owyn That�s right... he was rather good. Is he a valiant knight? Lando Oh yes, very heroic. He came to rescue his friends from Darth Vader when I betrayed... I mean... uh... when they got in trouble. Yeah, it cost him a hand. And then he fell about four hundred meters through the center of Cloud City and survived! *�owyn lets out a girlish sigh* Lando That sigh was very girlish. �owyn Shut up. I was... clearing my throat. Lando You sound like a girl when you clear your throat. �owyn I am a girl!... I mean, no I�m not! I�m a woman! Lando Girl. Woman. Same thing. Forrest Not legally. Lando Depends on the planet. Heh heh. *cough* �owyn You are a vile man, Lando Calrissian. Lando If I�m guilty of anything, I�m guilty of loving too much. *Luke enters the scene looking very depressed* Luke (sad) Hey guys, what�s up? �owyn Are you alright, Luke? Luke No... Padm� broke up with me. Lando Whoa. Did she say why? Luke Because she likes you better. Lando Whoa! Where is she now? Luke Taking a bath in the stream. Lando Gotta go! *Lando gets up and runs off toward the stream, excited* �owyn Awww, I�m sorry Luke. Come sit next to me. *Luke sits down next to �owyn. She starts rubbing his back.* Forrest I know how you feel, Luke. Jenny broke up with me... like three times. And the last time was on accounta she died. Luke I wish Biggs was here. �owyn Who is Biggs? Luke Biggs was my best friend on Tatooine. He�d always give me reassuring words whenever a girl turned me down. And trust me, that happened a lot... But Biggs died at the Battle of Yavin... I miss him so much. �owyn Awww, I�m sorry, Luke. Is there anything I can do? Luke No. �owyn Nothing at all? Luke There can be no one to replace Padm�. I mean, she�s beautiful, smart, and she�s a political leader. �owyn Well I happen to be the White Lady of Rohan... Luke Padm�s a white lady, too. �owyn That�s not what I meant... Luke There will never be another Padm� for me... And why do you keep rubbing my back like that? �owyn Do you not know? Luke It is but a shadow and a thought that you love. I cannot give you what you seek... Plus, I don�t like blondes. *�owyn frowns and stops rubbing his back* �owyn So Biggs is the only one who could comfort you, hm? Luke Yes. �owyn What did Biggs look like? Luke Uhh... he had dark hair sort of in the same style as mine. And he had a mustache. Forrest Sounds like the hairstyle that the homosexuals wore in the �70s. Luke What?! No! Biggs was not a... he... he was a ladies man!... Although, I never saw him with ladies... and he and Tank were always... No! No, Biggs wasn�t gay! Not that... not that there�s anything wrong with that. But he wasn�t! *Frodo and Dory run into camp, all excited* Frodo We got tree mail! We got tree mail! Forrest Read it to us, Frodo! Dory I wanna read it! Frodo Dory, you can�t read. You�re a fish. Dory I can too read!... Or can I? �owyn Let Dory see it, Frodo. *Frodo shows the mail to Dory* Dory (reading) Dear castaways... Frodo That�s what it says! You can read! Luke How the kriff could a fish learn to read? Forrest Because fish go to school! Get it?! �owyn Haha! Good one, Forrest! Luke Not really. �owyn Finish reading it, Dory. Dory Okay!... �Dear castaways. To make it far with certainty, you�ll want to win immunity. So get off your orse and grab a horse and use this opportunity.� Forrest What�s an orse? �owyn I think it�s a lousy attempt to rhyme with �horse.� Forrest Why are we grabbing horses? �owyn Maybe we�re going to have a horse race! How splendid! Dory I�m not finished!... �Because of difference in sizes, this award will be divided. One will go to man who wins and one will be for feminine.� Forrest What does that mean? �owyn It means they�re giving out one award to the man who wins, and one award to the woman who wins. But that�s stupid! One�s sex makes no difference in one�s ability to ride horses! Luke I assume men are better at it just like any sport. �owyn Uh! What is it with you men and your classification of women as weak and feeble? Frodo Why are you complaining, �owyn? You�ll have a better shot against Padm� and Dory than you would against the men. �owyn That�s not true! I�ll show you! I�ll show you all! *�owyn marches off in disgust* Narrator And so, the next day, the castaways meet at the beach for the immunity challenge. I, Narrator, am there to host and judge the challenge. Along the beach, we have seven famous horses for the castaways to ride. They are Seabiscuit, The Black Stallion, Hidalgo, Shadowfax, Mr. Ed, Donkey (from �Shrek�), and... a seahorse. Okay, everyone, pick your horses! Lando I pick the Black Stallion because I�m also a black stallion, oh yeah. Luke Seabiscuit looks angry. And I�m also angry because a certain someone dumped me... So I�ll take Seabiscuit. Forrest I want Mr. Ed! Frodo Well, the only one who looks hobbit-sized is Donkey, so I pick him... Donkey Hey! You can�t be callin� me Hobbit-sized, I�m a steer! I ain�t bein� ridden on by a little midget who calls me hobbit-sized! Forrest Your horse talks! Mr. Ed Well isn�t that something! Forrest Ahhh! My horse talks, too! Narrator Good observation, Forrest... Now, Dory, which horse do you want? Dory Uhhh... let�s see... seahorse... or Hidalgo... uhhh... I pick... Hidalgo! Narrator Really? But the only reason we put in a seahorse was because of you.... Dory I SAID I WANT HIDALGO!! Narrator Whoa. Okay, okay, I�m not gonna argue. Padm�, which horse do you want? Padm� I�m not going to ride. Narrator What? Why not? Padm� Because I�m pregnant. Luke and Lando WHAT?!?! Narrator You guys�ll have to talk about it later. We�ve got to start this race... Where�s �owyn? Luke Pregnant?! Narrator Alright, screw �owyn, we need to do this. Everyone mount your horses! The rules are as follows: If you fall off your horse, you�re automatically out. Pushing other people off their horses is illegal and will result in disqualification. First person to cross the finish wins... *Lando, Luke, and Forrest mount their horses. Dory is unable to hop onto Hidalgo* Dory I can�t get on the horse, I can�t get on the horse!... Hey look, it�s a horse! Cool! Is this a horse race? Oooo, I wanna watch. *Dory sits down to watch* Frodo Wait guys, Donkey isn�t letting me on! Donkey I told you! I ain�t letting no insulting woodland elf put his tiny behind on my back! I�m getting� outta here! Where�s Shrek? Shrek?! Where you at?! *Donkey runs away, looking for Shrek* Frodo Come back! Narrator On your marks!... Frodo Wait! Narrator Get set!... *A mysterious man with a dark hair and a �70s-style mustache suddenly mounts Shadowfax* Luke Biggs?! Is that you?! Narrator Go! *And they�re off! The Black Stallion and Lando get a head start with Seabiscuit and Luke close behind. Mr. Ed and Forrest go off in the complete opposite direction. Shadowfax gallops toward Frodo and the mysterious rider reaches down and picks up the Hobbit, sitting him down on the horse in front as they close in on Luke and Lando.* Mysterious Rider Ride with me. *Frodo looks up to see that it�s �owyn in a Biggs disguise* Frodo My lady?! �owyn Whatever happens, stay with me. I�ll look after you. Frodo But why are you dressed like a man?! �owyn To prove that a woman can do anything a man can do. *As Shadowfax closes in on Seabiscuit, Lando suddenly falls off of the Black Stallion and into the sand* Lando Ow!... That was deliberate! That was deliberate! *Shadowfax comes neck-to-neck with Seabiscuit. �owyn speaks to Luke in a fake manly voice* �owyn Luke, I�m Biggs. Let me win! Luke Okay Biggs! *Luke backs off and lets �owyn and Frodo get ahead. Shadowfax crosses the finish line* Narrator And the male winner is Frodo! There is no female winner because none of them raced! Lando Wait a minute, that mysterious rider�s the one who actually won. He should get immunity, not Frodo. Narrator But that man is not actually a Starvivor contestant. �owyn I am no man! Narrator Well obviously you are. You�ve got a mustache. �owyn No, it�s fake! I shaved off Frodo�s foot hair last night and used it to make the mustache and wig. Frodo Ahh! She�s right! My foot hair�s gone! How dare you! Our alliance is through! *Frodo slaps �owyn* Luke Hey! Leave Biggs alone! Frodo It�s �owyn, you idiot. �owyn Yes, �tis �owyn. Now give me my prize, for I have earned it. Narrator Oh, I forgot to mention that cross-dressing also disqualifies people from the race. �owyn What?! No! I am better than all the men!... Anything you can do, I can do better! Luke What?! Why�d you dress up as Biggs?! �owyn Because... the way you talked about him... I thought if you thought I was Biggs, you would like me. Luke Ew! Are you trying to say I�m gay?! �owyn You kissed Smith. Luke That was an accident, I swear! �owyn Well you talked about Biggs like you had a crush on him. Luke I didn�t have a crush on Biggs!... Well, there was that one time when... I mean, NO! NO! I am so not gay!... Really! Padm�, tell her! Padm� There�s nothing wrong with being gay, Luke. Luke But I�m NOT! Padm� We all like to experiment. I know I did. Lando Sweet! Luke Whoa... I mean, NO! Agh! Look what she�s done! Let�s vote her off for posing as my deceased friend! Frodo And for shaving my feet! Forrest That was a really dumb thing to do, Miss �owyn. And that means a lot coming from me. Narrator Um... this is all very awkward, so I think... I�ll leave. �owyn It�s all your fault, you sexist Narrator! How dare you separate us into strength stereotypes! How dare you disqualify me for cross-dressing! And what�s with your selection of female contestants? They�re all extremely attractive women! Where�s the representation of average-looking women? You�re setting an impossible standard for all of the viewers! Narrator Uhh... what about Dory? �owyn She�s a fish! Dory I�m a sexy fish, though! Narrator Okay, what about you? You�re pretty average-looking. �owyn ... HEY! Mr. Ed Willlllllburrrrrrr. Narrator And so, that was how the White Lady of Rohan was booted off the Starvivor 3 Island. And that�s also how Frodo won his third immunity challenge! �owyn returned to Rohan and forgot to remove her mustache. So that�s how she got the nickname of �the Bearded Lady of Rohan.� While she wore it, everything around her smelt of hobbit-feet. THE END |