| Starvivor 3 Chronicles: Episode XIV: Pirates of the... Uncharted Water Planet by Grand Adm... I mean, uh Hoth Rebel Trooper Narrator: So as you all know, Starvivor 3 takes place on the sole island of a water planet in the Unknown Regions of the galaxy. You know, like, imagine if Earth was flooded over like in the really bad movie, �Waterworld� staring Kevin Costner. Actually, it wasn�t THAT bad really... but... yeah, this planet is like that. And just like Waterworld, it has lots of pirates! Except they�re all dead. And they�re alien pirates. Dead alien pirates. Or dead pirate aliens?... Well more importantly, the tribes have MERGED! Yay yay yay! All of them seem to be getting along fine and dandy. There�s just one problem. They�re all bored out of their minds! Forrest, Frodo, and Dory are combing the beach, looking for something to DO. Forrest Beaches don�t have hairs. Frodo What? Forrest The narrator said that we�re combing the beach. But beaches ain�t got no hairs, Frodo. Frodo It�s just an expression... Dory I see some hairs! *Dory points enthusiastically to some hairs that appear to be growing out of the sand* Frodo Imagine that! Forrest I ain�t never seen a hairy beach before. Frodo Neither have I, Forrest. Forrest What should we do? Should I tell the others? Frodo It�s probably some sort of plant. Let me pull on it and see... *Frodo kneels down and pulls at the hair. Out of the sand, pops a MONKEY! It bites Frodo�s finger!* Frodo Ow! I hate it when my appendages are bitten! *The monkey squeals at them, bearing its teeth, then it starts digging at the sand* Forrest That�s one angry little monkey, Frodo. Dory Look! A monkey! Forrest Why�s it diggin�, Frodo? Frodo I don�t KNOW. Why do you keep asking me questions that I wouldn�t know?! Forrest Well Frodo... no need to be rude. Frodo I�m sorry, I�m sorry. I just was violated by a primate. I�m a little upset. Forrest Should we help him dig? Frodo No, he�ll just bite us and maybe eat Dory. Forrest I don�t think monkeys eat fish, Frodo. Frodo Well what do they eat? Forrest Bananas, duh! Didn�t you go to school? Frodo All we Hobbits learn in school is how to garden, housekeep, and smoke Shire weed. Forrest Shire weed? Frodo Yeah, you wanna try some? I snuck some here. *Frodo holds out a bong... I mean... pipe.* Forrest It�s against the Starvivor rules to be bringing drugs! Frodo The rules... they�re more like... guidelines. C�mon, try some. Forrest Oh, I dunno, Frodo. That kinda stuff really messed Jenny up when she smoked it... Frodo You know you want to try... Forrest No thank you, Mr. Frodo. I will not succumb to peer pressure. *Lando enters the scene* Lando What are you scoundrels up to?... Whoa, a monkey! I found a monkey! Forrest We found the monkey first, Lando. We saw a hairy beach. Lando What did you just call me? Forrest I didn�t call you nothin�, I just said we saw a hairy beach. Lando Oh. Beach. Okay... Hey look, the monkey found something! *The monkey stops digging when it hits something solid* Forrest What is it, Frodo? Frodo I don�t KNOW! Lando Let�s help my monkey get it out. Frodo Since when was it your monkey? Lando Since now. *Lando kneels down and starts digging to uncover the edges of what appears to be a box. The monkey just sits there looking all cute* Forrest Awwww. May I stroke your monkey, Lando? Lando That sounded... wrong... But okay, stroke away. *Forrest pets the monkey and it bites his finger* Forrest OW! Somethin� bit me! Lando Obviously it was the monkey. *The monkey screeches, then runs off into the woods. Lando and Frodo hoist the box out of the sand* Dory Hey! It�s a box! Open it! Open it! Lando I say we should open it in front of everyone. So we all get a share of the excitement. *They take the box and walk to central camp, where Padm�, �owyn, Elizabeth, and Luke are sitting around being bored* Lando Hello, ladies. Luke Hey! I�m not a lady! Lando You whine like one. Luke (whining) Heeeeeey! Forrest We found a box after a monkey popped out of the hairy beach! Padm� What did he just say? Elizabeth Whatever it was, it sounded vulgar. Lando I found a monkey. It�s mine. It�s off in the woods somewhere. But whatever�s in this box, we share. �owyn Shall we open it? Lando We shall. *They pry the box open. Inside, are a few bottles of rum and two swords* Elizabeth It�s pirate booty! Lando It�s alcohol! Elizabeth Rum, if I�m not mistaken. Lando Corellian Rum! Luke That stuff�ll get you wasted in a second. Padm� No kidding. I was at this Naboo Senator�s party once and I drank that stuff and then made out with like ten guys, including Chancellor Palpatine. And Boss Nass. Luke What?! Padm� What, I�m not allowed to be adventurous? Luke The only person I�ve ever made out with is you! And... Smith. Lando Kid, you�re not helping your case. �owyn Who cares about the rum? Look at those swords! Lando Ah, ah, ah, not so fast, honey. Swords are not meant for ladies. �owyn I beg to differ! Luke I get one! I get one! *Luke picks up a swords and starts swirling it around like it�s a lightsaber. He makes lightsaber noises with is mouth as he plays with it* Luke Bzzzuuuu, vwwwuo, vuuuu. Chhh, zshhhh! Padm� You look like a dork, Luke. Luke What�s your problem today?! Padm� I�m getting bored with you. I like Lando better. Lando Yes! Score! Elizabeth Hey! I thought you were after ME, Lando! Lando Hey, I�d take both of you at once. Elizabeth I don�t think so! Lando Maybe you would if you had a little rum? Padm� Good idea. Let�s all get drunk and party. Luke Padm�! Lando Wow, you�re really showing your wild side today, Miss Senator. I like. Meow. Luke Meow? *Padm� uncorks a bottle and chugs it* Elizabeth I will only partake in this party if... if it�s a pirate party! Lando Alright, a pirate theme, it shall be. Welcome all, to Captain Lando�s party! Frodo I wonder what happens if you mix rum with Shire weed? Padm� Gimme some o� that weed an� I�ll find out for you, handsome. Frodo She called me handsome! Lando Probably because she�s drunk already. Elizabeth You guys! You have to talk like pirates! Just throw in a �yar� and an �aye� every now and then, and you�re set. Frodo Here�s my stash, Padm�!... Yar! Elizabeth Aye, that be the way you do it, ye wee hobbit! *Padm� puffs away at Frodo�s weed* Elizabeth If this were a movie, it might be rated �ARRRE� for drug use and suggestive themes, yar! Padm� Hehehehe! Hahahah! *snort!* Good one, Elisssssabesh! *Elizabeth downs some rum, then Lando starts chugging away. Luke and Frodo also start drinking* Dory What about me?! Padm� Let�sh fill Dory�s bowl with rum! Hahaha! Haha! Ha! *snort!* Lando Haha! Yar! She�ll be swimmin� with the fishes in rum! Elizabeth Yar! *Lando pours all the water out of Dory�s bowl and replaces it with Rum* Dory Whoa! This stuff tastes good! I�m... feeling... weird... gills... clogging... *hiccup!* �owyn Look at them, Forrest, they�re animals. Luke This pirate booty is soooooooo wizard! Ha! Yar yar! Yardy yar yar! Lando I like pirate booty! Especially Padm�s pirate booty! Haha! Look at it! Padm� Wanna better look, boys?! *Padm� bends over and moons them* Luke Whoa! That�s no moon! That�s a space station! Ha! Haha! Ha!... *burp!*... Hahah! Lando Haha! I�d like to dock in that station, if you know what I mean! Chuh-ching! I�m so kriffin� cool! �owyn Ugh! Such men! It repulses me! *Frodo takes off all his clothes and starts streaking around the camp, shouting out nonsense* Frodo I Merried your Pippin, Sam! Hahahah! I�m in me skimmies! Haha! I�m a HOBBIT! Gaffer! Brownfeet! Brownfoots! Hahah! Bilbo! Elizabeth You people! Pirate theme! Don�t forget! Frodo Oh right!... Yar! *Lando puts his arm around Elizabeth�s shoulder* Lando So have you ever been marooned on an island with a handsome man before? Elizabeth Yes, actually. He was far more charming than you and he was a genuine pirate. Lando More charming than me? Is that even possible? Elizabeth Well, you may be more charming when you�re sober. Lando But even when I�m drunk, I am still not blind to the... radiant beauty so near to me. What do you say we go find a quiet beach to... um... watch the stars? Elizabeth Captain Calrissian, I�m not entirely sure I�ve had enough rum to allow that kind of talk. *Elizabeth takes another swig of rum* Lando How about now? Elizabeth Okay, now�s good. *Lando and Elizabeth are about to wander off by themselves, but Luke jumps in front of them, wielding a sword* Luke Not so fast, ye sea dog! You won�t be taking my girl! Lando Actually, this is Elizabeth, not Padm�. Luke Oh... well still! Me wants to rescue that there lass from the likes of you! *Lando rolls his eyes* Lando Squire, my sword. *Naked Frodo runs up and gives the other sword to Lando* Frodo Here you go, you Lando Wando Mando! Hahah! Bag-End sounds like Baggins! Lando Thank you, naked Frodo.... En guard! *Lando and Luke start a swashbuckling swordfight. Luke makes lightsaber noises with his mouth as he fights. He�s pretty dang good at it, too.* Luke Bzhuuuu! Vwwwoooom! Chhh-zwwooo! Lando Not bad for a farmboy. Luke I practice three hours a day! Lando You need to find yourself a girl, mate. Or perhaps you already have one, and are otherwise incapable of wooing said strumpet because she fancies ME now. Luke That�s not true. And she�s not a strumpet! Padm� I am when I�m drunk. Hehehahah! *snort!* *The monkey appears and jumps up and latches onto Luke�s face. He drops his sword and screams* Luke Ahhh! Get it off me! * Them monkey gets off Luke�s face and crawls up onto Lando�s shoulder. Lando picks up Luke�s sword. * Lando Thank you, Luke. Luke You�re welcome... Lando Not you, Luke. I named the monkey Luke. Padm� Who wants to be mooned now?! Frodo I do!... *cough!* *wheeze!*.... ahh! *Frodo falls down on the ground and turns all white and pasty. The monkey hops on top of Frodo and starts licking his pale face* �owyn Frodo! What have you people done to him?! Lando We didn�t do anything! Shesh, how many times is that midget going to turn white and pasty? *Drunk/high Padm� moons the unconscious Frodo. Frodo and the monkey turn into skeletons when she does this. Forrest turns into a skeleton too!* Skeleton Forrest Ahh! All my meat�s gone! Luke How the kriff did that happen?! Elizabeth There must be a curse on them! Whenever under the light of a MOON, they turn into ghost skeletons! I�ve seen this before. Lando I don�t believe in ghost stories. Elizabeth You best start believing in ghost stories, Mr. Calrissian. You�re in one! �owyn Padm�! Put away your rear end! *Padm� covers up her butt and Frodo, Forrest, and the monkey turn back to normal.* Luke Why�d they turn into ghosts and not us? Forrest Maybe because the monkey bit me and Frodo. Or maybe because we have... ARRR�s in our first names. Elizabeth Ha! That must be it! Padm� Hahahah! Hah! *snort!* �owyn But surely you�re not the only ones. Who else has an �r� in their name? Forrest Uhhh... Lando! Lando No, Forrest. But... Dory does! *Everyone looks at Dory�s bowl. She�s floating at the top.* Forrest Ahh! Dory! She�s dead! Lando What idiot filled her bowl with rum?! Elizabeth This is madness! We must be rescued! *Elizabeth lights a torch and starts setting trees on fire. She throws bottles of rum at the fire to make it spread* �owyn What are you DOING?!! Padm� She�s committing ARRRRson. Hahahaaheheh! Hahha! *blows nose* *The fire spreads to their shelter and it is engulfed in flames. Dory�s bowl of rum catches fire and wakes up Dory* Dory Oh man... guys... I�m so drunk that I can�t remember anything... Forrest I�ll save you Dory! *Forrest reaches into the flaming bowl and throws Dory into the ocean. The monkey runs away and so does everyone else. They congregate at the beach* �owyn What have you done, Elizabeth!? You�ve burned all the food, the shelter... Lando The RUM! Padm� No! Not the RUM!! Elizabeth Yes, the rum is gone Lando Why is the rum gone?! Elizabeth One, because it is a vile drink that turns even the most respectable men into complete scoundrels. Two, it turns me into a pyromaniac. Hehe. Burn, baby, BURN!!! Monkey Ooo ah ah ah! Naked Frodo The monkey�s right! Let�s vote off Elizabeth! Lando No, but she�s hot! Elizabeth So hot I burnt down the island! Haha! Hey look, it�s my father�s ship! He saw the signal! Bye everyone, got to be rescued. �Twas a grand pirate party, me mateys. Yo ho! Frodo Yo ho! Lando You ho. Narrator And so, somehow Governor Swann sailed to an entirely different planet when he saw the flames and he rescued his daughter from the clutches of those drunkards. Daddy is too good to her, really. She went on to marry William Turner, but they broke up on their wedding night when she got drunk and set him on fire �by accident.� THE END |
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