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| Starvivor 3 Chronicles: Episode XIII: Stevedependence Day by Grand Adm... I mean, uh Hoth Rebel Trooper Narrator Okay. So remember that vomiting little alien girl that Malcolm found in Episode XI? And remember how it was her mom who poisoned and killed her? Well it turns out her mom�s still on the island. Yeah, freaky, I know. Last time I forgot to mention that these aliens are kind of squid-like and they got tentacles. Just thought you should know... So keep that in mind. Anyway, here we join the Xob camp for the last time before the merge. �owyn is confronting Steve to confess something she�s been hiding... �owyn Steven, hello. Steve Well hello there, little lady. What�s on your mind? �owyn I�m afraid... I�ve been hiding something for quite awhile now. And I�ve decided I should come out and tell you. Steve Whoa! Baby, I�ve felt the same way since the beginning about you! I mean, at first I was freaked out about you being from another world an� all but then I realized that that�s kinda sexy and I... �owyn No Steven, it�s nothing like that at all. Aren�t you married anyway? Steve What? Oh... sh*t! I gotta stop forgettin� that I�m married! I mean... I was uh... just kidding. Yeah. I joke. Ha... ha. �owyn Right... well, anyway... what I�ve been hiding is this... *�owyn pulls out a loaded pistol, Steve freaks out* Steve Whoa! WHOA! Don�t go psycho on me, girl! I�m serious I was just KIDDING! �owyn No, no, no! I don�t intend to use it! That�s the thing. I don�t know how. Steve Well where the hell�d you get it? �owyn When I killed.... I mean... when Smith was voted off, he left his gun behind. I suppose he... forgot it. So I picked it up and I�ve been hiding it ever since. Steve Well why are you showing it to me now? �owyn Because we�re out of shrimp and unless Forrest can find us some more, we�re going to go hungry. I thought maybe you could use it to hunt. I figured you�d know how to use it, since you�re from Earth. I thought about giving it to Forrest, but then I realized he�d probably harm himself or someone else with it. By accident, of course. Steve Because he�s a tiny bit retarded. �owyn ...Right. Steve Understandable. A�ight. It would be an honor to wield that there gun. �owyn Fantastic. *Eowyn smiles, then hands the gun to Steve. Upon grabbing it, Steve accidentally triggers it and the gun goes off BAM!* Steve Oops! *Something in the woods SCREAMS like a maniac. It runs out so Steve and �owyn can see it. It�s the squid-like, alien mother of the dead, vomiting girl!* Steve Ahhhh! Alien! �owyn It looks just like that squid-like, alien mother of the dead, vomiting girl that we saw in the video! *The squid-like, alien mother of the dead, vomiting girl pulls out a weapon of her own and fires at Steve and �owyn. Green plasma bolts come out, but miss them* Steve Ahh! You did NOT just shoot that green sh*t at me! *Steve fires back and hits the alien square in the chest. It falls down and starts moaning. Steve walks over to it and poises himself to punch its lights out* Steve Welcome to EARTH! �owyn Umm... this isn�t... Steve Oh right... I mean... Welcome to some water planet in uncharted space! *Steve punches it in the face and it goes unconscious* �owyn Wow... that was impressive, Steven. Steve You picked a helluva a good time to give me that gun, you know. �owyn �Twas fate, I suppose... so, is she dead? Steve Well, it ain�t over �til the fat lady sings. So I doubt she�s dead �cause I ain�t heard no fat lady yet. For now, I say we drag this b*tch on over to camp and show the others. �owyn Okay... but who�s the fat lady?... *Steve and �owyn drag that b*tch on over to central camp where Frodo, Forrest, and Padm� are just sittin� around hanging out. Steven plops the unconscious alien right in front of them. Frodo and Forrest scream* Forrest What IS it?! It scares me! Steve �san alien, yo. Be coo�, she ain�t gonna wake up for a long time. Forrest It looks like a half-human, half-squid. �owyn She�s the one who killed the little girl, we think. On the video. Padm� Let�s eat her. Steve What?! You�ve got to be kidding. We ain�t eatin� no alien squids. Padm� Why not? Squid is a delicacy on Naboo. It�s a big industry. Sometimes Gungans get caught up in the squid nets, though... and when they go unnoticed they end up getting processed and packaged with the squid meat. Your average package of Naboo squid probably contains about five percent Gungan meat. I was part of a political committee that covered it up... I don�t know why I�m telling you all this... Forrest Will this squid have Gungan meat in it? Padm� Well, no... unless it ate Jar Jar while he was here... Frodo Well, I am very, very hungry. I say we should eat it regardless of its Gungan content. Steve Whatever, I ain�t takin� part. You guys do what you want. �owyn Alright, let�s eat her. Who wants to cut her up? Padm� I�ll do it! *Padm� takes a knife and carefully slips it into the alien�s head. Everyone gathers �round. Suddenly, the head BREAKS open, revealing another smaller head inside, surrounded by a gooey, icky membrane* Padm� It appears to have a protective exoskeleton of some kind... Forrest Ewww, that�s gross. �owyn Not really. Padm� How can you not consider that to be disgusting, �owyn? I mean... look at it... all... mushy. �owyn I had to bathe Uncle Theoden when he was all white and chapped and under Saruman�s control. That�ll desensitize a person to lesser repulsions for life. *Padm� continues to dig into the head, pulling out handfuls of gross mushy stuff. Frodo looks at the alien�s fingers* Frodo Its fingers are moving! *The alien WAKES up and slaps Padm� in the face with a tentacle. Everyone screams! There is pandemonium! Frodo starts running away, but a tentacle wraps around his feet and pulls him to the ground. The alien runs off into the woods, dragging the screaming Frodo along with it. Everyone else remains at camp, catching their breath.* Steve Is everyone a�ight?! Padm� I�m alright... but that slap is gonna leave a mark... ow... Forrest I peeed my pants. I didn�t bring an extra pair. �owyn That�s alright, Forrest. You can borrow own of my dresses... wait a minute! Where�s Frodo?! *Everyone looks around. Frodo is no where to be seen.* �owyn The alien must have gotten him! We must do something! Steve Okay, now I�m just a little anxious to go out there and whup E.T.�s @ss. Padm� We voted out E.T. a long time ago, Steve. Steve You know what I mean. C�mon guys, let�s go. Padm� Who made you leader? Steve I outrank all of you, I�m a Captain. And you know... I think... I�ll promote myself to President! I�m President of Xob, now! Forrest Wow! I get to meet so many presidents! Padm� If anyone should be president, it should be me. I�m the only politician here. �owyn Are you people mad?! We need to go save Frodo now! Who cares about Presidents!? Steve I care about presidents, �owyn. And you should, too. Why, now... I think it�s appropriate that I quote the greatest President of all, President Thomas Whitmore. Except I�ll be adding a few modifications to my speech, like replacing every �we� with �Steve� ... *Steve clears his throat, then starts the speech...* Steve Good morning. In less than an hour, I will be launching the biggest whup-@ss attack in the history of mankind. "Mankind." That word should have new meaning for all of us today. Steve can't be consumed by petty differences anymore. Steve will be united in his common interests. Perhaps it's fate that today is the Fourth of July... Forrest Captain Steve, I do believe it is the Tenth of May... Steve Shut up and let me finish, retard!... Ehem... Perhaps it's fate that today is the... Tenth of May and Steve will once again be fighting for freedom... Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution... but from Frodo�s annihilation. Steve is fighting for Frodo�s right to live. To exist. And should Steve win the day, the Tenth of May will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: "Steve will not go quietly into the night! Steve will not vanish without a fight!" Steve is going to live on! Steve is going to Starvive! Today Steve celebrates his... Stevedependence Day! �owyn We�re saving Frodo, not Steve. Steve Right, that�s what I said. Let�s go! *The four of them follow the trail of ooze into the woods and quickly come across the alien. The alien has one of its tentacles wrapped around Frodo�s neck. Frodo looks very pale and his eyeballs look glazed and completely white. Steve points the gun toward the alien* Steve Let him go! *The alien�s grip on Frodo�s neck tightens. Then Frodo begins to speak in a really demonic voice* Frodo Release me. Steve No sh*t, Frodo, that�s what I�m trying to make happen. Frodo Release me. Forrest Why is Frodo�s voice all funny? Padm� I think the alien is using Frodo�s vocal chords to communicate to us. �owyn (to alien) Let him go! What do you want us to do?! Frodo Die... I want you... to die. Steve Okay, besides that. Frodo Umm... well I would like a nice mocha shake... if it isn�t any trouble. Steve Anyone got a mocha shake with �em? Forrest Nope, all I�ve got is a strawberry-banana one. Frodo I�m allergic to bananas. �owyn Why did you kill your daughter, alien? Frodo She... wanted a pony for Stevedependence Day. I bought one. But it died of a bug-bite. So... I got mad. And killed her. Padm� What?! Steve See, I wasn�t makin� that up. It�s a real holiday Frodo It�s a dumb holiday. Steve Is this glass bulletproof? �owyn What glass? Steve Never mind. *Steve fires three shots into the alien�s head. It falls down dead.* Steve YEAH! Take THAT! Who�s the MAN! Who�s the MAN, HUH?! I busted yo� @ss! MM-HMM! *Steve takes out a cigar and starts smoking. Frodo snaps out of his trance* Frodo What happened? �owyn Steve saved your life, Frodo. Steve Today... is a day... when you are dependent on Steve. Hence, Steve-dependence. Stevedependence Day. Frodo Well I say we vote him off because he smokes. Steve What?! I just SAVED your LIFE! Padm� He�s right, that is a nasty habit, Steve. It smells just awful �owyn It even repulses me. And remember the whole naked King Theoden thing? Yeah. That�s saying a lot. Forrest Lieutenant Dan smoked a cigar, too! You really are Lieutenant Bubba! Steve I�m not Bubba! And shut up! It ain�t over �til the fat lady sings, y�all hear that!? I don�t hear no fat lady! Frodo Padm�, just pretend to be fat and sing a song. Padm� I�m not fat! Steve Well, if you follow the same path as Carrie Fisher did, you will be eventually. Frodo I said PRETEND to be fat. Puff out your cheeks. *Frodo puffs out his cheeks to show her. She does the same* Frodo Now sing. *Padm� tries to sing, but when she opens her mouth her cheeks don�t puff out anymore* Padm� It�s impossible to sing with your cheeks puffed out. �owyn Let me try... *�owyn tries, but she can�t do it either* �owyn Hey, it IS impossible. Never thought of that. *Now Forrest and Frodo try, too. They all are puffing out their cheeks, trying to sing while looking fat* Forrest Isn�t it racist to make fun of fat people? Steve What?! No! You guys are WHACK! Look at y�all... puffin� away... but it can�t be impossible... can it? *Steve tries puffing out his cheeks and singing, but of course, he fails* Padm� Can humming count? Steve Well... that�s as close as you�re gonna get. *Padm� puffs out her cheeks and hums the Stevedependence Day theme song* Frodo Okay, close enough. The fat lady hummed, Steve. Time to go. *Steve doesn�t say anything, he just keeps trying to sing with the puff cheeks. He keeps trying as he leaves* Narrator *Pufff* *Pufff*.... Dang, that IS impossible... ehem... anyway, so Captain Steven Hiller was voted off because he�s black just like Jennifer in American Idol. I mean! No, that�s not why! It�s because he�s a threat! Right! ... controversy avoided... And SO he returned to the crumpled Earth that he calls home and continued life with his wife who is a stripper and her son and their golden retriever whose name is Boomer... or Buster... or something. And he never saw any aliens again. And for this, he was happy. And somehow his golden retriever figured out a way to sing while puffing out his cheeks. The dog never told though... kind of like that dog in the Bush�s Beans commercials... he never gives away the secret formula... *puff* THE END |