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| Starvivor 3 Chronicles: Episode XII: Hermione Granger and the Emperor�s Stone by Grand Adm... I mean, uh Hoth Rebel Trooper Narrator: DUN DUN DUN! Sehsams! The favorites with the absence of two members (Frodo and Padm� (who have moved to Xob)), now include Dory, that forgetful fish in their jolly-good times. Ah yes, but the tribes are getting ever so small. And when tribes get small, tensions flare because anyone could be the next to go. Hermione feels particularly vulnerable due to the fact that they almost voted her off last time (luckily she was �saved by the smell,� so to speak). But anyway, here�s Dory introducing herself to her new tribe mates, Elizabeth, Hermione, Lando, and Luke... Dory Hi everybody! I�m Dory! Luke Holy Sith! A talking fish! Hermione Talking animals aren�t all that uncommon, you know. But I guess you wouldn�t know, being a muggle. Luke Shut up, witch! Elizabeth Luke! You�re setting a bad impression for Dory. Just ignore him, Hermione. He�s still grumpy about Padm� being moved to the other tribe. *Luke grumbles* Dory Who�s Padm�?! Lando She�s Luke�s giiiiiiiiirrrlfriend. Luke That�s right, and I�m proud of it! I don�t see YOU with a girlfriend, LanDO. Lando I�m workin� on it, trust me. Elizabeth You�re going to have to keep working, Mr. Suave. Lando Not for much longer, baby. Dory Hi everybody! I�m Dory! *Everyone looks at Dory, confused. There is a brief silence* Elizabeth Oh, we�re sorry Dory, we were being rude by talking amongst ourselves instead of introducing ourselves. I�m Elizabeth Swann. Dory Swann! Like the bird! Elizabeth Hehe, that�s right, Dory. Luke I�m Luke Skywalker. Dory Like in Star Wars! Luke Huh?... Lando And I�m Lando Calrissian. *Lando bends down, takes Dory�s flipper, and kisses it* Lando Always pleased to meet a young lady. You truly belong here with us on Sehsams. *Dory blushes. Elizabeth rolls her eyes.* Hermione And I�m Hermione Granger. I�m a witch... in training, of course. Dory Oooo! Are you a wicked witch? Hermione No, but I�m a wicked good one! Hardy-har-har!... *No one laughs. Crickets chirp.* Hermione Wicked... good... Luke We get it. Dory Hi everybody! I�m Dory! *Crickets chirp again* Lando Uhhh.... you already... *Elizabeth takes everyone to the side and whispers so Dory can�t hear* Elizabeth Maybe she�s... slow. Hermione Like retarded? Luke That�s not politically correct, you witch! Hermione I hate you! Elizabeth Stop it, you two! Let�s just play along with Dory so she doesn�t get confused. *Everyone turns back to face Dory and wave at her with big fake smiles on* Everyone Hi Dory! Dory Hi everyone! I�m Dory! Hermione This is stupid! I�ll just use a spell to make her smarter! Elizabeth No, wait!... *Too late, Hermione already has her wand pointed* Hermione Genioso Poisonium! *A bolt of magic surges through Dory. Instead of getting smarter, she coughs really wheezingly and out pops the Emperor�s heart-crystal from Episode X* Luke Ewwww. What�s that? Dory Ahhh! I don�t remember eating that! What is it?! *Hermione picks it up and examines it* Hermione It appears to be some sort of magical stone. Luke How do you know it�s magical? Hermione I can just FEEL it, you know? Oh wait, you wouldn�t know. Luke Yes I would! I can use the Force! Hermione Really? I�ve yet to see any evidence of you using it. Luke Gimme that! *Luke grabs at the stone and upon touching it, an electrical shock shoots all through him!* Luke Ahhhhh! Father, help me!!! *When he lets go the shock stops and Luke falls to the sand* Elizabeth Hermione! How could you?! Hermione I didn�t do it! Honestly! Lando Your magic always gets us into trouble, little girl! If you were five years older, I still wouldn�t hit on you because of all the trouble you cause! Elizabeth Better make it ten. Lando What?... Oh... right... yeah if you were TEN years older, I mean... ehem... riiiight... Dory Awww, why are you all being so mean to that little girl!? Hermione Because they�re awful, awful muggles! *Hermione picks up the stone and Dory�s bowl and runs off into the woods, crying* Luke You guys saw that, she zapped me! Elizabeth I don�t think it was her, I think it was the stone. Lando And why�d you shout �Ahhh, father, help me?� Luke I dunno. I always shout that when I get electrocuted. Reflex... or something. Lando Oh. *Meanwhile, in the woods, Hermione is sulking and venting to Dory* Hermione It�s not fair! They�re going to vote me off just because I�m smarter than them! Dory There, there, little girl. Don�t cry... who are �they,� anyway? Hermione The filthy muggles! And I know I shouldn�t say such things considering my own two parents are muggles. But I just can�t stand it! I�ve got to... to do something. Maybe I can use this stone? Dory Oooo! Use it to exterminate them! Hermione What?! Are you mad? That could get us killed, too. Or worse: expelled! Dory Sorry I mentioned it... it would help if I knew what a muggle was... Hermione It�s a person who can�t use magic, basically. A non-wizard. There�s three of them and only one of me! Dory Why don�t you... uh... pretend to be a muggle? Hermione No, it�s too late, they already know I�m a... wait a minute! That�s genius! I�ll make a potion that�ll turn me into one of them! Yes, I�m so smart! I�m so bloody smart! Dory Ooo! Me too! Me too! Hermione No, you�re a retard. And you�re going to help me with my plan, mwoo haha! Dory ... Okay! *Later that day, Hermione sneaks up to the Sehsams clothes lines and steals some of Elizabeth�s clothes, then runs back into the woods to Dory* Hermione Alright, here�s her corset. Look! There�s one of her hairs on it! Perfect! Dory Why do you need one of her hairs? Hermione That�s what makes the potion turn me into her. Dory Why do you want to turn into her? Hermione What�s your problem!? You�re the one who came up with the idea. I mean... I�m the one who came up with the idea! Because I�m so abnormally intelligent! Dory And so modest, too. Hermione Poop in this cup. Dory ... What? Hermione Poop in this cup. *Hermione holds out a Dixie cup* Dory ... Why?.. Hermione I already explained it and you already agreed! Argh! You�re so frustrating! I need your poop, it�s part of the potion! Fish poop. I�m lucky you�re here. Dory Well... okay... *Dory poops in the cup* Hermione Thank you. Alright, so I�ve got the sea water, the lizard pee, the puppy blood, the fish poop, a touch of oregano... and finally, a strand of my hair. Now time to stir. *Hermione stirs it with her finger in the Dixie cup* Dory You�re not gonna drink that, are you?... Hermione No, not this one. But mine will have the same ingredients except with Elizabeth�s hair instead of mine. Dory Then who�s going to drink that one? Hermione Elizabeth, DUH. Don�t you get it? Dory Oh..... uhh... No. Hermione I�m switching places with her so they�ll vote her off and leave me on. Because let�s face it, Luke and Lando aren�t going to vote Elizabeth off. Dory Why�s that? Hermione Because she�s a babe. Dory But won�t you get hit on by them? Hermione The price one pays for physical perfection. Dory Perfection?! You�re giving in to the male-created system of oppression and demeaning of women! Hermione Just give her the bloody drink, you dimwit fish! Dory .... Okay! *So while Hermione makes her own drink, Dory (somehow) makes her way over to central camp with the glass of ucky potion.* Dory Hi guys! Elizabeth Oh hi, Dory! Have you seen Hermione? Luke and Lando have some apologizing to do. *Luke and Lando roll their eyes* Dory Uh... sorry, no, I don�t know who that is. Luke What? But you met her just... Elizabeth Luke! Play along! Luke Oh... right... no WE don�t know who she is either, Dory. Elizabeth What�s that drink you�ve got there, Dory? Dory Uhh... I�m not sure... Wait... I think it has some significance... Lando That means it�s alcoholic! *Lando grabs the drink and sniffs at it, then rears his head back in disgust* Lando Ewww! That smells like a Wookiee�s armpit that�s been rubbed against a Jawa�s butt. Luke Why would a Wookiee rub a Jawa�s butt against his armpit? Lando Trust me, I�ve seen it happen. Here, take a whiff for yourself. *Luke takes a whiff* Luke Oh, yuck! You�re right! That�s exactly how a Jawa-butt-rubbed Wookiee-armpit would smell! *Elizabeth takes a whiff too* Elizabeth Oh, ghastly! It smells worse than Jack Sparrow�s breath! Lando There�s no way anyone�s drinking this. Sorry, Dory. *Lando pours out the drink into the dirt where some flowers are growing. Suddenly, the flowers turn into little Hermione-heads on stems!* Lando What the kriff?! Luke That is so horribly disturbing. Elizabeth Oh dear God, what does that mean?! *The Hermione flowers start chattering incoherently, then they start singing a dreary tune. Lando jumps back* Lando It�s freakin� me out, man! Luke You think that�s freaky? Look at THAT! *Luke points at a creature emerging from the woods. It�s so weird-looking. It�s like a little girl, expect all furry. And it has horns coming from under the pig-like nose. And it�s got a tail. And it�s wearing a corset* Elizabeth I think that�s... Hermione!? Luke Hermione? More like... HerSWINEy. Lando Haha! Herswiney! Good one, Luke! Herswiney What?! You mean I don�t look like Elizabeth?! *snort!* Luke Haha! She snorted! Elizabeth No, you look like a combination between Hermione and... Pumbaa. Herswiney Pumbaa?! What? But I used a hair from your corset! *snort!* What was Pumbaa�s hair doing on your corset? *Elizabeth looks around nervously* Elizabeth Uhh... I don�t... know... Lando Why�d you let Pumbaa get his hair on your corset and not me!? Elizabeth I LIKED Pumbaa, okay?! Luke He farted way too much, he just had to go, Elizabeth. *Herswiney lets out a juicy fart* Luke Ewwww, Herswiney! Herswiney Stop calling me that! I�m Hermione! Dory What�s going on?! I�m so confused! Herswiney Dory! You were supposed to give that drink to Elizabeth so she�d turn into me! I mean... uh... I wasn�t plotting anything at all... heh heh. Elizabeth Wait, you�re saying that you were trying to switch bodies with me? Lando Hey, who wouldn�t want a body like that? Elizabeth Shut up, Lando.... Herswiney! That was bad! Bad bad bad! Herswiney You guys! I�m sorry! Look, I don�t have a spell that can fix this. I�ll have to stay like this until the game is over and I get back to Hogwarts. So let�s just vote off Dory and... Elizabeth We�re NOT voting off Dory, we�re voting off YOU. Dory Yay!... Is that good? Lando Sure is. *Herswiney farts* Herswiney No! That�s not fair! You NEED me! I�m the smartest one here! *Luke plucks a Hermione-head flower from the ground and shows it to Herswiney* Luke Flower? *The little Hermione head hums a lullaby. Herswiney squeals and is all freaked out, then jumps into the ocean and swims far out to sea* Elizabeth Hey! Bring back my corset! You hog! Luke Pigs can swim? Elizabeth Actually, they can. Very well. Lando Learn somethin� new every day. Dory I can swim! Narrator And so Herswiney... *chuckles*... swam back to Hogwarts and spent a few weeks in the infirmary getting back to her natural form. She didn�t tell anyone about her failure on the island because that would tarnish her status as a know-it-all goody-two-shoes. She thenceforth continually had farting problems which she covered up with a �silent but deadly� spell that made her toots silent, yet they still stunk like Wookiee-armpit rubbed with Jawa-butt. She blamed it on Ron Weasley every time. And people believed her. Poor Ron. THE END |