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| Starvivor 3 Chronicles: Episode XI: The Phantom Malcolm by Grand Adm... I mean, uh Hoth Rebel Trooper Narrator Just like in CBS�s Survivor: All-Stars, when only ten players were left, the Starvivor castaways had to randomly pick a new buff. What is a buff, you ask? Governor Schwarzenegger is buff. But that�s not the �buff� I�m talking about. The buffs I am talking about are far more intelligent. A buff is a bandanna-type thing worn by the castaways to signify to which tribe they belong. Xob�s buffs are blue and Sehsams�s buffs are yellow. Everyone randomly picked a new color, but the only changes that occurred were Dory moving to Sehsams and Padm� and Frodo moving to Xob. However, one person did not get to select a new buff, because no one noticed him. Malcolm, having lost his heart-crystal in the ocean, returned to the Xob camp to find Dory was gone and Frodo and Padm� were there in her stead. The two new members of the tribe were being greeted by the others... Forrest (to Padm�) Hello, Miss. I�m Forrest, Forrest Gump. Padm� I�m Padm�, Padm� Skywalker. Steve Yo, I�m Steve. �owyn (to Frodo) It�s good to be on the same tribe as you again, Padm�. And I am so glad to finally have the famous Frodo Baggins on my Tribe. Frodo Pardon me?... Famous? Do I know you? �owyn You don�t remember me? �owyn? We met at Aragorn�s crowning ceremony? Frodo Strider got crowned?! What? �owyn And you destroyed the... *�owyn sees that Frodo is wearing the One Ring on his necklace* Frodo I destroyed the Ring?! Never!... I mean... not yet. �owyn But... I don�t understand. Padm� I think I know what�s going on. You two are from slightly different time periods. That�s why Frodo doesn�t remember you. Luke and Lando have the same problem. Frodo Wait, you mean to say that I end up destroying the Ring? I succeed?! Forrest I don�t see why anyone would wanna destroy that little ring. It sure is perdy. Frodo Yes, so perdy... my precious... I mean, no! No, it�s bad! It�s the source of all evil. Its powers are infinite and he who wields it can become supreme ruler of the world! Oh yeah, and it makes you invisible, too. Nifty side effect. *Malcolm, who is listening in, perks up when he hears this* �owyn You know, there is a volcanic mountain on this island. You could go up there and... Frodo NEVER! Forrest I�ll do it for you, if you want, Mr. Frodo. *Frodo bares his teeth and growls ferociously* Steve Whoa, calm down, little midget dude. �owyn It�s alright, Frodo can wait until he gets back to Middle-Earth. Don�t worry Frodo, you�ll succeed. Forrest Anyone up for some shrimp! *Everyone raises their hand and says �Me, me, me!� and they all rush off to central camp to get shrimp. Malcolm is left alone, pondering* Malcolm So if his Ring makes normal people invisible... maybe it�ll make me visible! I�ve got to come up with some way to get close to him, though. Some way to gain his trust... *In the distance, the sound of vomiting can be heard* Malcolm Huh? *Malcolm walks toward the source of the noise, and removes some fern leaves to reveal a little humanoid alien girl curled up in a fetal position, spewing out vomit that looks like pea soup* Malcolm Uh... what are you doing here? *The little girl doesn�t respond, she just keeps upchucking* Malcolm Are you... okay? *She lets out another nasty hurl* Malcolm I guess not... Uh... Listen, I�m a doctor. A psychiatrist, though. I don�t know much about the physics of honking. Uh... did you eat something bad?... *The little alien girl holds out a VHS videocassette* Malcolm ... What the hell am I supposed to do with THAT on a freakin� desert island? *The girl points to a TV and VCR set up in the woods* Malcolm Huh. Well whad�ya know. *Malcolm spends some time with the sickly little girl as the day turns into night. All of the other Xob members have gone to sleep. Malcolm sneaks into their camp and goes to Frodo, determined to get the Ring. He reaches down to grab it, but somehow Frodo can sense someone is trying to take it, so he wakes up* Frodo No! You can�t have it! It�s mine! MINE! Go away! *Everyone else is awoken* Steve Dude, what�s your problem? �owyn He was probably having a bad dream... right, Frodo? Frodo No! Not a dream! One of you tried to take it! Forrest We wouldn�t go and do a thing like that, Mr. Frodo. Frodo Liar! It was probably you! You said you wanted to take it! I don�t trust any of you! I miss my old Tribe! *Frodo runs off into the woods, and on the way he grabs a flashlight and supplies to make a tent. He wanders far, until he thinks he�s found a spot far enough so the others can�t find him* Frodo I can�t take any chances. I must make the rest of this journey alone. *He pitches the tent and sits inside with the flashlight on. He stays like that for a little while, frightened and paranoid* Frodo I must... not let them have my precious... must... protect it... *He takes the Ring off its chain and draws it close to his finger, trying to resist the urge to put it on. He can�t help himself, though, so he slips it on. He is now invisible in the tent. His breath starts condensing so he can see it. All the hairs on the back of his neck and his feet stand up. He feels cold. He turns off the flashlight. Suddenly he hears a loud hurling noise right next to him. He turns on his light and the little alien girl is throwing up all over the tent!* Frodo Ahhh! Ahhhhh! *Frodo is freaked out. I mean, wouldn�t you be freaked out if some girl appeared in your tent and tossed her cookies all over your feet? She keeps throwing up, and Frodo begins to calm down a bit when he realizes she�s not going to hurt him.* Frodo You scared the Shire out of me. Who are you? *The little girl hands him a videocassette, loses her lunch one more time, , then disappears* Frodo Huh? What is this? Malcolm It�s a video. *Frodo jumps. Now Malcolm is in his tent. Frodo can see him clearly (Remember, Frodo is wearing the Ring)* Frodo Ahh!... Now who are you? Malcolm I�m Dr. Malcolm Crowe. I�m a child psychiatrist. I can help you. Frodo I don�t know what a psychiatrist is, but you don�t look like a child. Malcolm What?... No... I mean... I�m a psychiatrist to children. I help children just like you. Frodo I�m not a child, I�m a hobbit. Malcolm Whatever, same thing. Look, do you want me to help you with that little girl or not? Frodo Well, I would like it to be explained, yes. Malcolm Good, we�ll get started right away. Frodo ... Dr. Crowe, you�re sitting right in the pool of vomit. *Malcolm looks down at his pants* Malcolm Oh crap. Should�ve brought a change of clothes. That�s so disgusting. *Frodo starts licking the vomit off Malcolm�s pants* Malcolm What?! Frodo Hold on a minute! No way! I didn�t do that! *Okay, okay, sorry, that didn�t happen. Just ignore that* Malcolm You sicko writer. *Again, sorry... anyway... so in the morning, Malcolm shows the Television and VCR to Frodo and teaches him how to use it. Much to Malcolm�s dismay, Frodo takes off the Ring and decides he wants the others to watch the tape with him. With the Ring off, he can no longer see Malcolm. He shrugs, then goes to invite the others to gather around the TV...* Frodo Listen, everyone. I�m sorry for my outburst last night and I�d like to make up for it by letting you all share in on my discovery. Forrest What did you find, Mr. Frodo? Frodo A videocassette and a television! Steve Wait a minute, how do you know what that is? You�re not from earth. I�m the only one here that�s from earth... oh sh*t, I�m surrounded by aliens... Forrest I�m from Earth, Captain Steve. Steve But you sure don�t act like y�are. Forrest My momma always said aliens is as aliens does. Steve She never said that. Forrest ... You�re right. *sniff* Padm� You guys. Can we just let Frodo show it to us? �owyn Yes, please. Frodo, go ahead. Steve What�s on the tape, anyway? Frodo I�m not sure, I haven�t watched it yet. Forrest I hope it�s the Sesame Street movie! *Frodo pops in the tape, then lies down on the ground and gets comfy in some blankets so he can enjoy the show. It starts playing. The image appears to be a small puppet theatre. There are two puppets; a bird, and a frog. Both of their voices sound like they�re being done by a little girl.* Forrest It IS Sesame Street! Yay! Frog Puppet Hello, Birdy. How are you on this fine evening? Bird Puppet Not bad, Froggy, not bad at all. I�ve been flying and eating. Froggy What do birds eat, Birdy? Do birds eat frogs? Birdy No, you silly amphibian. Birds eat clouds, of course. Froggy Clouds? Birds eat clouds? Birdy That�s why our poop is white. *Everyone watching is taken aback by this* Steve I don�t think this is Sesame Street, Forrest... *On screen, the puppets suddenly stop their scene and the little alien girl appears behind them. She moves the theatre out of the way and hops into bed where the camera is pointing. Her mom enters the room. She sets a tray of food in front of the camera and pulls out a bottle labeled �Poison: Kills Really Really Fast.� Everyone in the audience gasps. The mom pours the poison into some soup and then goes over to the girl and force-funnels it into her mouth!... �owyn gets up quickly and turns off the TV.* �owyn I think we�ve seen enough of that. Padm� What kind of sick sadistic mother would do that? Steve They�re aliens. Whad�you expect? *Forrest is crying* Forrest My momma would never do that. *Frodo looks very disturbed wrapped up in his blanket on the ground* �owyn Frodo, are you alright? *Frodo starts speaking in a very spooky tone of voice...* Frodo You ever feel the prickly things on the back of your neck? �owyn Yes. Frodo And the hairs on your feet, you know when they stand up? That�s them. �owyn I don�t have hairs on my feet... Padm� What do you mean by �them,� Frodo? *Frodo clutches at his blanket, shaking. He takes his Ring and puts it on for a second* Steve Whoa! Where�d he go?! *While Frodo is invisible, he sees Malcolm standing there, watching. He then takes off the Ring again and becomes visible* Forrest Frodo, you�re spooking us. �owyn Frodo, what�s wrong?! Tell us what�s wrong! *Frodo thinks for a moment, then whispers...* Frodo I see dead people. *Everyone looks around to see if there are any dead people around* Frodo They�re walking around like regular people. They see what they want to see. They don�t know they�re dead. *Malcolm, fed up with everything, makes a lunge for Frodo and grabs the Ring! He puts it on his finger and it has the reverse effect, making him completely visible to everyone. Everyone screams like a girl.* Everyone (like a girl) Ahhhhhhh! Frodo Give it back! That�s MINE! MINE! Malcolm Whoa, whoa, whoa, just hold on a second, Frodo. Explain to me what you meant by seeing dead people. Frodo When I put on the Ring, I see dead people! It happened on Weathertop with the Ring Wraiths. Now it�s happening here. That little vomiting girl, she�s dead! And you! Dr. Malcolm Crowe, YOU are dead! Malcolm What... that�s not... possible... Forrest Hey! Wait a minute, have you been pretending to be the ghost of Bubba? Malcolm Yes... I... Forrest You�re not the ghost of Bubba! You�re the ghost of someone else! Malcolm I�m... dead? Frodo Did anything ever happen to you that could have killed you? Malcolm No, not really... well, one of my former patients shot me but I survi... Oh crap. That must�ve done it. Yeah. I�m dead. *Malcolm drops the Ring and it falls in slow motion to the ground and rolls around for a while. Then he disappears in a flash of white light and never comes back* Forrest Well that�s a twist ending, hm? Padm� Yeah it�s one of those things that makes you wanna watch it over and over again to catch all the little hints. �owyn Like the symbolism of the color red. Steve And the fact that only one person was talking to him, the kid who could see dead people. Padm� Wait a minute, what are we talking about? *Everyone shrugs* Narrator At long last, Dr. Malcolm Crowe finally figured out that he was dead (sure took him long enough, huh?!). He went on to the afterlife and ran into the real Ghost of Bubba and the real Ghost of Jack. They all became great pals and opened a shrimp restaurant. Malcolm did go back and watch all the moments of his post-mortem experience so he could catch all the little hints that he missed. Afterwards, he felt really stupid for not figuring it out. THE END |