| Starvivor 3 Chronicles: Episode I: Why Kevin got Sent Home... Alone by Grand Adm... I mean, uh Hoth Rebel Trooper Narrator It was a nice, bright, sunshiny day at the Eciffo Camp. The castaways had only been on the island for a few days, but by now friendships were already starting to form. Currently, Luke and Padm� are lounging on the beach, discussing their lives.. Luke So... a senator, huh? Padm� Yes. I already told you that twice. Luke Oh... sorry. So hey, you know, since I�m from what is the future to you, you wanna know what happens to the Republic and all? Padm� Alright, sure. Just tell me the good things, though. Luke Um... actually, maybe it�s better that you don�t know. Padm� Alright... *long awkward pause* Luke (nervous) So hey, do you... um... are you... uh... do you have a boyf... Malcolm wanders in and interrupts. Malcolm Hey Luke! Luke, I think we need to talk. Luke (annoyed) Malcolm, I�m kind of BUSY right now... Padm� What? Who�s Malcolm? Malcolm You see? That�s what we need to talk about! Nobody else is noticing me except you! Luke Can this wait?! I�m in the middle of talking to Padm� here. Padm� Um... I think I�ll leave you and your... friend alone for now. �owyn and I need to help... E.T. ... um, learn how to swim!... Later. *Padme gets up and leaves* Luke Aw, kriff. Malcolm, look what you did. Malcolm Sorry, it�s just that I�m really kind of freaking out here. Everyone�s ignoring me. Or maybe I�m just going crazy! But I�m a freakin� psychiatrist. Psychiatrists don�t go crazy!... Except for ones in movies... like Hannibal Lector... But I don�t want to eat people! Luke Well how does this make you feel? Malcolm It makes me feel isolated and rejected and... Hey! You�re not the psychiatrist! I am! Luke Well, then... psychiatrize me. Malcolm I�m a child psychiatrist, though. How old are you? Luke Eighteen. Malcolm Okay good, you�re still a kid. Luke Hey! No I�m not! Malcolm Do you want help or not? Luke *grumbles* Fine. I need help... um, well, with talking to girls... specifically Padme. She�s so beautiful! Like... an angel! I�m even more attracted to her than I am to Leia. And believe me, that�s saying a lot! Malcolm Mmmhmm. Well, for starters, can you tell me about your mother? Luke I have no memory of my mother... I never knew her. Malcolm And how does this make you feel? Luke Well, it makes me feel... Hey! C�mon, we�re not talking about my mother. We�re talking about Padm�. Malcom Mmmhmm, and how does that make you feel? Luke Is that all you psychiatrists ever ask?! Meanwhile, Padm� decided her conscience would feel better if she turned her lie into truth by actually helping E.T. learn how to swim. She and �owyn now try to push the Extraterrestrial into the water while he wails and screams about. Padm� C�mon, E.T., there�s nothing to be afraid of... E.T. E.T. no like swim! �owyn Please, E.T., you must learn this skill. It will aid our cause. Be brave. E.T. Nooo! Stop pushing E.T. Ouuuuch. Padm� *laughing* It is so funny, the way he says �ouch.� �owyn *chuckling* Oh, I must agree. Padm� Let�s make him say it again! *Padm� and �owyn push him even harder to make him say ouch.* E.T. OUUUUCH!! Stop it! *Suddenly, Kevin jumps up from underwater and ROARS, attempting to scare the others. Padm� and �owyn scream briefly, but E.T. goes wacko-insane. His neck shoots up and he spins around, screaming like a mad-man... I mean, mad-alien... and in the confusion, he bites off �owyn�s nose.* �owyn OUUUUCCHHH!! My nose! *E.T. calms down and realizes what he has done. He then puts his finger to �owyn�s nose and uses his powers to heal it back to normal.* E.T. E.T. sorry he hurt �owyn. �owyn It�s alright. You fixed it... and it was not your fault anyway... *�owyn glares at Kevin* Kevin I was just trying to be funny! Padm� Kevin! Why don�t you just... go play in the tree house... Alone! Kevin Fine! I think I will! I hate you all, anyway! E.T. Kevin, beeee gooood. Kevin Shut up, you freak! *Kevin, with teary-eyes, makes his way to the Eciffo tree house. But on his way, he bumps into Smith.* Smith Hello, Mr. McCallister. Kevin *sniff* What, you wanna yell at me, too? Smith Not at all. No, I have a proposal for you. Kevin What... what do you mean? Smith If you�re tired of being controlled by them, then why don�t you join with me? You and I, we could be a team. We could rid this... useless little world of all of them. And then it wouldn�t be so useless. Because I would be in charge. I, Mr. McCallister, and no one else. Kevin Um... why would I want to join you? Smith Because, Mr. McCallister, if you do not join me, then your destruction is inevitable. Kevin You�re a bad-guy! *Kevin runs away from Smith and climbs up into the tree-house.* Kevin (to himself) I know how to take care of bad-guys! When that Smith comes up here, he�ll run away and never come back!... *Kevin then proceeds to set up various booby-traps meant for Smith. Some time passes. Luke has finally mustered up enough courage to talk to Padm� again. She is currently hanging out with �owyn, discussing politics.* Padm� Yeah, I know what it�s like to be royalty. I was Queen of my planet a few years ago. �owyn You were Queen? Why are you no longer? Padm� Huh? Oh, we hold elections every few years. I decided not to run again. �owyn You elect your kings and queens? Doesn�t that defeat the whole purpose of calling them kings and queens in the first place? Padm� Huh... yeah, I suppose it does. I guess my planet is just silly. *Luke tries to enter the conversation* Luke Hey, I know a princess! Her name is Leia. Princess Leia. Padm� ... Leia, huh? Nice name. So is Luke. �Luke and Leia� sounds good together. Luke But no, she�s not my girlfriend! I mean!... I mean, I don�t have a girlfriend. I mean!... I want one! I mean... um... you like my name?! Really?! �owyn You know... maybe I ought to leave you two alone. *�owyn winks* Padm� Oh no, �owyn, wait! �owyn Sorry, I must go... teach E.T. how to... eat. Faretheewell. *�owyn leaves* Luke Um... so... you wanna go hang out in the tree house? Padme Well... sure, why not? *Luke and Padme make their way to the tree house. Meanwhile, Kevin is trying to get Smith to walk into his tree house trap...* Kevin Okay, I�ll join you. But only if you go... uh.. sign your name on the roof of the tree house! Smith And why would I need to do something like that, hmm? Why, Mr. McCallister, why? Kevin To... to prove your courage and loyalty. Smith Courage. Loyalty. Those are two unnecessary traits of humanity. Courage is meaningless; an ideal invented by the weak to justify their weakness. Loyalty is also for the weak, to justify their inherent selfishness by pretending to care for others. I have use for neither. Kevin Jeeze, don�t get all mental, man. I just wanted you to sign your stupid name. *Kevin suddenly spots Luke and Padm� climbing up to the tree house* Kevin No! Wait! Luke (stepping into the tree house) From here, there�s a lovely view of the... *Suddenly, a huge log swings down on a rope and SMACKS Luke in the face, causing him to fall out the door screaming, to land on the ground below. Padme slips on some slippery stuff on the floor and slides right into a bed of heated coals. Her dress is on fire. She sees a sign the reads �pull this lever for water,� so she pulls it and it causes the floor below her to collapse. She lands on top of Luke and remains unconscious, still on fire.* Kevin Oops.. *E.T. rushes to the scene and spits the water he had swallowed while swimming in order to put out the fire. He then uses his healing powers to make Luke and Padm� all better. �owyn and Malcolm come to the scene wondering what happened. Smith points at Kevin.* Smith He did it. Let us destroy the child. Malcolm Now hang on, maybe I can talk to him about this. He�s obviously got deep psychological problems. I�m trained to fix that... Not that any of you are listening to me. �owyn Kevin, I think this proves that you are not fit for our tribe. E.T. E.T. told Kevin beeee goood. But Kevin listen? Nooooo. Luke Ohhh, you little kriff, that hurt so much. Padm� Ow... yeah... let�s vote the little brat off. Kevin You guys suck! Narrator And so, Kevin McCallister was then voted off the island. And when he returned to his humble Chicagoan suburb home, none of his family was there to great him. THE END |
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