| August 2004 August has to be the grossest sounding month of them all. I mean, just say it out loud. "August." Disgusting! I pity those whose birthdays fall in this vulgar month. And I pity further those unfortunate girls named after it. |
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| Friday, August 6, 2004 1:22 AM Dear Grand Adm... I mean, uh Hoth Rebel Trooper, Why do people ever ask you for advice? All we know about you is: 1: you kill invincible guestbooks on a regular basis. 2. You are male. 3. You have no kriffing life 4. you say "kriff" a lot. And yet despite the your limited and questionable background, people continue to ask you deep questions about life, love and Star Wars. WHAT IS WRONG WITH US???? Name = iloveyouiknow Location = chicago area E-mail = [email protected] Dear iloveyouiknow, Thank you a million thank yous for being the first lowlife to grace the New Advice Corner with a question. Now I�m afraid I�m obligated to subtract at least 640,067 of those thank yous due to the accusatory nature of your entry. You accuse me of four crimes. You were even kind enough to number them 1-4. You know what else is numbered 1-4? The different occasions on which you�ve actually conversed with a female! (No, Barbie doesn�t count. She�s plastic and grossly disproportionate, not to mention she still owes me five bucks). The first crime you accuse me of is killing invincible guestbooks on a regular basis. The idea is absurd. Firstly, if a guestbook were invincible, how the kriff does one go about killing it? Doesn�t the definition of �invincible� cancel out the option of killing the said invincible guestbook? Then again... Boris thought he was invincible. But look what happened to him. He�s a Borisicle now. Like... Boris... and... Popsicle. Whatever, you get it. The second crime you accuse me of is being male. Well, your honor, I�m gosh-diddly guilty! *flexes manly muscles.* The third crime tu m�accuse is the having of no kriffing life. Well... I won�t go into detail on what �kriff� actually means... but... well, yes, it�s true that I have no �kriffing life.� *cough* And number 4 is that I say �kriff� a lot. What the kriff are you talking about, you kriffer? I don�t say no kriffing �kriff!� But it appears as if your actual query here is �WHAT IS WRONG WITH US????� Well, let�s take into light the fact that you are the FIRST to actually ask me a question here on the New Advice Corner. So being the only one at the time you asked this means that by �US,� you mean �ME.� Therefore, it appears as if you are referring to yourself in the plural first person. I can only deduct from that that you suffer from multiple personality disorder. And it makes sense because just look at your self-involved name, �iloveyouiknow.� One part of you says �I love you� and the other part answers, �I know.� You conceded schizophrenic! My advice: Take one of those Seventeen Magazine love tests and see if you really are compatible with yourself. |
| Friday, August 6, 2004 3:08 AM Ahem. So, I was walking to the store the other day and I realised that the store is attached to my house, but I didn't get anything because I was destracted by a squirrel. Being a dragon of descriminating tastes, I chased the squirrel, intending to make squirrel gumbo. Alas, the squirrel evaded my grasp and darted down a hole. I started to dig but a bear came along and asked if I knew how to make a bid on Ebay. I infomred him that you had to log in then click the 'make bid' button or something like that. Then we went to the store and got slurpees and a large bottle of kosher dill pickles. Always kosher dill, there is no other pickle. The bear and I parted ways, which is when I discovered that I was fresh out of shampoo, which sent me on a long quest to find said shampoo. I ended up on Endor, where I pruchaced said shampoo then partied with the ewoks for a while. Ewoks really love to party. It was getting late, and I headed home, but something puzzled me as I entered my house and doffed my cheese hat: where, exactly, do ewoks get all of their beads? It isn't Marti Gras but they had tons of them! Name = Lord Hendricks Second Cousin Sparty Location = Transylvania E-mail = [email protected] Dear Lord Hendricks Second Cousin Sparty, You remind me of the Beverly Hillbillies. Now I bet you�re wondering how a singular entity such as yourself could possibly be compared to a group of multiple entities such as the said Hillbillies of Beverly. Let moi explain. Now, I never watched the television series all about the story of a man named Jed, but I did see the nineties cinematic adaptation. Why is it that they took all these shows from the seventies and moved them to the nineties for movies? Are we doomed to see reprisals of eighties sitcoms set in our own current decade of the zeroes? It�s like a twenty-year rule. In the 2020�s we�ll have a Friends movie played by different actors. Except Joey. He�ll probably need the paycheck. I mean, his show coming this fall� will last� maybe one season� YOU CAN�T BASE A SHOW ON JOEY HE�S THE �DUMB GUY� AND IT DOESN�T WORK UNLESS YOU HAVE THE REGULAR �SMART GUYS� AROUND TO COMPLIMENT HIS DUMBNESS! I�m SORRY, but Joey makes me ANGRY! Makes me wanna� grab a pigeon by the neck and wrench its head off! My advice: Check out New Orleans sometime and you�ll SEE that Ewoks are dressing up in drunk-college-girl costumes to get their beads, or you can just rent �Ewoks Gone Wild� at your local video store. |
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| Friday, August 6, 2004 9:58 AM Dear Grand Adm... I mean, uh Hoth Rebel Trooper, Should I even CONSIDER updating my website again? Or should I burn it? Name = Jute Location = That's mean. Kriff you. E-mail = [email protected] Dear Jute, You live in �That�s mean. Kriff you.�? Been awhile since I�ve been there. How�s the weather this time of year? Still rainin� like the eyes of a misfortunate clown? That�s the town motto, if I recall. Well, enough pleasantries, let�s get down and dirty with the business. Your website. The famous one with the sheep sub-theme. You haven�t even considered updating it, yet you�ve considered considering it. And you HAVE considered burning it. Well, let�s dissect your logic here. The former consideration is a consideration of a consideration whereas the latter is a flat-out, no fine-print consideration. I conceive the more considerable consideration consists of a constant, conscious conclusion� constable. My advice: If you�re gonna have a sheep theme, throw in a little talkin� pig ala Babe. |
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| Saturday, August 7, 2004 2:52 PM Dear Grand Adm... I mean, uh Hoth Rebel Trooper, I decided against putting Lord Hendrick down as my name, considering that it is just a stupid ploy to get ANOTHER Arch Neminy, and it is not my name. But that is not my question. My question is: If the world were to suddenly go into a Nuclear Holocaust, and you were the only one with a bunker, could I stay in ther with you? I mean, you can't not have an Arch Neminy, and there is nothing worse than a MUTATED Arch Neminy. So summary: Nuclear Holocaust, You Have Only Bunker, Can I stay with You? Name = Arrom Karrde Location = Hoth E-mail = LORD [email protected] Dear Arrom Karrde, Thank you a million thank yous for attaching a summery to the conclusion of your entry. You have no idea the mindless trash I have to warble through to get to the essence, the SOUL, of an entry. If everyone just gave me a summery it would make my laborious job so much less� laborious. But here�s the thing, Mr. EL�KRIF, you wanna room with me during the immanent nuclear holocaust, you gotta pay the entry fee. And let me tell you, it�s one haul-of-a-cost. Get it?... Holocaust� Haul� of a� nevermind. The point withstanding is that me wants the moola. You ain�t got da dough, I ain�t gonna bake you da cookies. No greens on your plate, no veggie salad. No bucks, no luck. I�m lookin� for the quid, the g�s, the bling-bling. I wanna see twenty dancin� Franklins in my wallet. Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, WEALTHY, and a sleepy pansy-man who doesn�t want to stay up and watch Conan. If you were a sports agent and I was a pro football star I�d shout at your face right now, �Show me the money!� My advice: You had me at hello. |
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| Saturday, August 7, 2004 3:27 PM Dear Grand Adm... I mean, uh Hoth Rebel Trooper, I don't really have a question...but yeah, I've missed the old AC! I'm so glad it's back, and I'm really glad you can get internet for 10 cents a minute in the Bahamas! Actually, I do have a question: I need a book to read, and I can't find one! Any advice? Name = Lau-ra Anu Location = The Bahamas E-mail = [email protected] Dear Lau-ra Anu, Why do you torture me so? Do you not realize that when exposed to the word �Bahamas,� my brain automatically triggers an internal recording of the Beach Boy�s latter-day classic, �Cocomo.� That�s where we wanna go. Way down in Cocomo. AHHHHH! A curse upon thee! May you someday be in a computer lab full of Mormons and have a porn site freeze upon your screen for all to see! If that actually happens, you have to buy me ten Oatmeal Cr�me Pies, a roll of Bounty paper towels (the quilted, quicker picker-upper), and a new Mach 3 razor. This was written on August 7th, by the way. Not August 31st. So I definitely wrote this before that incident with the Mormons and the porn and the subsequent horrific screaming all took place. My advice: The best book to read is titled, �Dear Lau-ra Anu� and it�s about various worldly things including (but not limited to) the Beach Boys, Mormons, porn, Mach 3 razors, and advice about a book called �Dear Lau-ra Anu.� |
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| Saturday, August 28, 2004 4:10 PM Dear Grand Adm... I mean, uh Hoth Rebel Trooper, So I'm building a working, full-size guillotine. I've planned everything out to the details (I am, after all, an engineer) and I need to test it. As Arrom has already had his head launched to Jersey, a straw dummy seems best. But obviously the critical part is the head - should I use a watermelon (i.e., "I split your head like an overripe fruit") or a giant, specially-baked corn-dog (since that better represents flesh and a backbone)? Or is there something even better that you could recommend? Name = Ryan Location = VTOH E-mail = [email protected] Dear Ryan, Okay. First off, you�re a morbid some-botch. Since when was this an Advice Corner for killing people? I mean, stuff like that could get a webmaster in trouble. I don�t want any murder plots brewing on my humble website. What kind of a person do you think I AM?!! That aside, I still feel obligated to answer your query, however RELUCTANT I may be. Let�s examine your proposed options, shall we? Option one: Watermelon. Like� dude, are you building this guillotine so it slices a person�s HEAD in half? I mean, SICKO! Aren�t they supposed to aim for the NECK? Like, the slicing of the head would induce brain juices to spew out onto the crowd, giving them mad-cow disease. Which brings us to option two: Corn dog. Again, your placement is all wrong. This corn dog scenario would suggest that the blade comes down upon a person�s SPINE. That�s even MORE sicko, you sicko! Are the peasants really going to want to gather in the town square to see someone�s BACK get cut in half? Chances are, it wouldn�t even slice all the way through, leaving the victim writhing in paralysis. Oh, wait� no, if someone was paralyzed, they probably would lack the ability to writhe� Well� you know what I mean! My advice: Man, just test it on some drifter and avoid the complication of baking a six-foot-long corn dog� mmmmmm, six-foot-long corn dog. |
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