"Snippets From Life on The Independent Tour Bus"

(By Churchmouse @ The Clackhouse)

Clay and Kelly are sitting at the table playing Scrabble. Clay looks bored...

Clay: [burps]

Kelly: That's gross.

Clay: Will you come ON! You've been studying those same stupid tiles for ever.

Kelly: What ever. [places her tiles]

Clay: *snorts* You can't just put down a bunch of letters. Put down a real word.

Kelly: It is too a real word. It means sapless and scrawny. Kind of like you.

Clay: It's not in the dictionary.

Kelly: Google it.

Clay: [he does] Crap! 'Rigwiddy'? Where the.. ? [marks the score]

Kelly: ah ah ah. Triple letter AND triple word score. WOO HOO!

Clay: What!

Kelly: [picks up the tile to prove it]

Clay: Dang it!

Kelly: Want me to help you add that up?

Clay: I hate you.

Kelly: [laughs] I hate you more. [then sings] Quit your belly achin', Princess Aiken.

Clay: [He throws a magazine at her, then overturns the board on purpose]

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In the middle of the night, they talk quietly from their bunks...


Kelly: Okay. Whew. Now you have to tell me yours.

Clay: There's where you're wrong.

Kelly: Excuse me? We had a deal. You can't do that. You can't go back on a deal. You told me if I told you all about my sex life, you'd tell me all about yours.

Clay: Well, I lied.

Kelly: NO! I did not hear you say that! You are so retar...stu.. lame.

Clay: "retarstulame"? You know, Kelly, lame is yet another one of those words -

Kelly: Oh dear God! Look, I'll pay you a hundred dollars not to give me your Inappropriate Terminology lecture again. Please. I'll do anything.

Clay: [evil laugh] And according to what you just told me, you ain't kidding.

Kelly: I'm going to kill you, Aiken.

A chorus of voices from the other end of the bus:
I'll gladly help.
Will you two Shut. The. F***. Up.
People are trying to sleep here.

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After Angela's birthday party, Kelly helps Clay board the bus, then dumps him on the big couch where he falls in a heap...


Clay: [some incoherent rambling]... sing from their diaphrams. hehehe, I said 'diaphrams'. Does that think what I mean it does?

Kelly: What?

Clay: What?

Kelly: Dude, you are so 'faced. I thought Kim and Ruben were bullsh****** me when they said ONE beer would do this to you.

Clay: Yeah well... [hic].. for your information, I had TWOOOOO beers. And...uh oh. I don't feel so good.

Kelly: Oh no. Clear the deck!

Clay: We don't have one of those toilets that squirts water in your face, do we?

Kelly: I don't know what y'all do in North Carolina, but we don't pee in our water fountains in Texas.

Clay: No no, it was in a fancy hotel toi.... oh.... brruuuu... [stumbles into the john just in time to break Rule Number Three]

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Before sound check one morning, Clay pretends to interview Kelly and Angela...


Clay: So, why did you and Justin break up?
Kelly: So, remember that time you forgot all the words to Vincent?

Clay: I read in The Enquirer that we are secretly married. Is that true?
Kelly: Yes. We had to get married. You don't remember?
Clay: No. What's your favorite charity?
Kelly: Is there one for the Victims of Obnoxious People?


Clay: So, I heard that you think I need some dirty dancing lessons. Can I take lessons from you?
Angela: I'll try to fit you in.
Clay: [Starts to speak, stops, turns bright red, guffaws.]
Angela: Speechless! He's speechless! I got him! Where's the cameras when you want one? This is history in the making.

Kelly: SCORE! [she high fives Angela]

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And most recently....


Clay: I can't believe how nervous I am about going back on American Idol this week. It's Simon. I can't stop thinking about what mean thing he's going to say to me. I can just feel it. He'll call me a loser or mis-state some important fact. I need a pep talk.

Kelly: Oh shut up. You'll do fine.

Clay: A better talk than that.

Kelly: You should just get crazy and tell Simon to shove it up his a**. Get bleeped. Let your hair down. Go for it. I dare you.

Clay: Wow, that was like, the best pep talk ever. Thanks.

Kelly: No problem.


Life on tour goes on...

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Aboard the Independent Tour Bus one lovely afternoon, Angela is making her way from the back to the front of the bus. Clay is reclining on the couch with headphones on, eyes closed, feet bopping away to some obviously lively tune. As she is about to pass him, Angela mischievously reaches down and plucks the headphone jack from the boombox, filling the bus with Adam Ant's "Goody Goody Two Shoes"...
Clay: Hey!

Angela: BWAHhahaha!

Kelly: [hops down from her bunk and starts to dance] I love this song.

Clay bounces up from the couch and finds himself between Angela and Kelly. He starts to laugh and the three of them spontaneously begin to do the "Jacob sandwich" dance in the narrow aisle. They have a great time for a few moments, until the bus driver hits the brakes. The three of them go flying and land clumsily in a dogpile, Kelly on the bottom. Then the screaming begins...

Kelly: OUCH....get off of me!

Clay: I can't! Angela is squishing me.

Angela: My foot is stuck. Move.

Clay: Who move?

Angela: I don't know! Somebody move.

Kelly: Quit jabbing me!

Clay: Watch your elbows!

Angela: Will somebody please move!

Clay: Hel-LO! I'm stuck!

Angela: This is like Twister gone Mad! Clay, try to pull up your legs.

Clay: Heheh.. OUCH KELLY! Stop it!

Kelly: AIKEN! What the heck is that? What is that poking me! Oh My God! That better not be!

Clay: I'm flattered, but that's my forearm.

Angela: [begins to laugh uncontrollably] Oh my. Oh no, no, no, no. I'm gonna pee my pants.

Clay: NOOOOO! [he tries to writhe away but is still trapped]

Kelly: Angela, pull yourself up. Just step on him.

Angela: [laughing too hard to respond]

Clay: Aaaaahhhhh!

Kelly: Shut up, Clay, that's not helping.

Angela: [lets out one last, unrestrained scream of laughter and then rocks herself into position to begin crawling off of those beneath her, who groan and grunt with her every move]

Kelly: Hurry, you're both crushing me.

Angela: You're no feather yourself. I'm just happy I'm the one that landed on top. It's my lucky day.

Clay: What's the matter, Kell? You should be used to this.

Kelly: You're a dead man when I get up.

Clay: We'll see about... OW OW OW OW OW. Unhand me.

Kelly: Take it back, big foot.

Clay: Yeti.

Kelly: Is that a fur crack? You are in no position to do that right now.

Clay: You are not the boss of me.... OWWWWWW!

Angela: That was stupid.

Clay: Let go.... Thank you. [a moment later] I think it's broken.

Kelly: Let that be a lesson to you.

Clay: What if I'm crippled?

Kelly: You should have thought of that, butthead.

Angela: Can't you two kids see that you like each other?


As the bus rolls merrily along the highway, Clay and Kelly look at each other for a moment and then start to argue about which episode of Seinfeld it was, in which Kramer made that statement.. .