The New Newlywed Game

(By Jersette and Jude @ The Clackhouse)

Part One

Welcome to a very special celebrity edition of "The New Newlywed Game"...let's meet our famous couples right now...

(Cue the cheesy theme)

Announcer - Couple Number One are the "Newlyweds" everyone is talking about. She's not as dumb as she seems and unfortunately, Nick's not as talented as he thinks. Please welcome Jessica Simpson and her hunky husband Nick Lachey!

(Nick and Jessica kiss and wave adorably at the camera)

Announcer - Couple Number Two were supposed to be the "Newlyweds" everyone would talk about. Instead, they're here to try and pick up the pieces of their careers after "Gigli". Please give a hand to Razzie Award winning actors Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck.

(Ben starts to wave, but Jennifer holds up her hand)

Jennifer - Excuse me...excuse me!

Announcer -Uh, yes?

Jennifer - I just want to tell you that I am a <bleep>ing professional, so I will not pick up my @#%$ and go home, but I could. I think you got a copy of my rider. I'd like to know why I had to share a dressing room with Blonde Ambition over here. I'd like to know where my white lilies were. I'd like to know where the g-d d**** Diptyque Tuberose candles were.

Ben - (whispering) Uh, Jen. Could you bring this up later?

Jennifer - (shoots him a look and waves her finger) Actually, Benny, no, I can't. This is why you and I are no longer you and I. @#%$.
(dismissively) Go on, announcer man. We won't upset little Ben right now.

Announcer - (fake laugh) Heh, heh. We're live, folks! ...And our third couple might as well be married. Or at least related in some way. He's lean, lanky and not quite a loser. She's petite, pretty and has a powerful voice. Here are tour partners Clay Aiken and Kelly Clarkson.

(Clay nudges Kelly. Kelly tickles Clay. He gives her a noogie, and they start to wrestle.)

Announcer - OK! OK! Recess is over, kids! Let's bring out the host of our show.. he was Newlywed before Newlywed was cool..Mr. Bob Eubanks!

(Bob walks to his podium)

Bob - Welcome to this Special Edition, folks! Before we get started, I'm sure all of you are wondering about our format tonight. We thought Jen and Ben would have been married by this point,so it was gracious of them to come. We could have gotten Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones, but they're busy making babies again. We had booked Posh Spice and that soccer guy, but we realized no one cared. Kelly and Clay, thanks for filling in! Now, to the show. We'll send the men backstage and ask the girls three questions. The questions are worth 5 points each.

Bob - Ladies, which of your partner’s habits annoy you the most? First, Kelly Clarkson..

Kelly - Clay would love for me to say the toe-biting thing, but I've never seen him do it. And I could say he always gets more applause than me, but that's petty. Sooooo. Okay. I think I have something. This may sound funny. Not funny ha-ha, but funny hee-hee. Clay is totally a guy, even though he's cute and sensitive and cries over "Terms of Endearment" which is kind of not so macho, and I hate to even bring this up...

Bob - Bring it up, already!

Kelly - OK..here it is. He changes his mind more than a girl. Pepsi? No....Coke! I love my fans. My fans are nuts. Look, I’m a virgin! No, wait, I’m a sex god! It’s really confusing.

Bob - Uh, apparently so. Jessica?

Jessica - It would certainly be reassuring to me if Nick would accept the limitations of his own career trajectory in comparison to mine. These things ebb and flow, so to speak, and he may yet find his niche in today’s competitive music scene. (Realizes what she said.) Wait. Oh, crap. Don't tell Nick I said that. (Recovers. Flips her hair.) Hee…I meant to say, he leaves the toilet seat up!

Bob -Whew. That was a close one! Jennifer, which of Ben's habits tick you off the most?

Jennifer - Oh, Bob! I have sooo much to choose from! There’s the drinking. The poker playing. That <bleep>ing Matt Damon. But I think the thing that p***** me off the most was his continual talk of ‘his craft’. Like he was a <bleep>ing carpenter or something. Hammered, yes... hammer, no. (laughs) @#%$, I'm sexy AND clever.

Bob - Next question. If your partner were stranded on a desert isle, what one thing could he not do without? Jennifer, let’s start with you this time.

Jennifer – A <bleep>ing mirror. <bleep>ing self-absorbed mother<bleep>er.

Bob – Uh, Jennifer. Careful with the language. This is a family show! Heh heh.

Jennifer - <bleep> you. I’m a <bleep>ing superstar, <bleep>wad. I’ll say what I <bleep>ing feel like <bleep>ing saying.

Bob – Jessica?

Jessica – A karaoke machine.

Jennifer – You are such a <bleep>ing moron. Where’s he gonna plug in a <bleep>ing karaoke machine on a <bleep>ing desert island?

Jessica – (tosses her hair dismissively) Duh. In an electrical socket, where else?

Bob – Girls, please. Kelly?

Kelly – Hmm. The one thing Clay couldn’t do without? Maybe his dog? Oh my God, he surely does love that dog of his. But then again, maybe it’s his laptop. He’s never without that. That boy loves the internet. He's on those message boards every spare minute, especially that Clackhouse place. Or…oh! OR…it could be his cell phone, because he’s always on the phone. He gets more calls than anyone I know. I swear sometimes that phone is glued to that big ol', cute ol' ear of his. But then again, it could be his DVD collection. He loves movies, you know, just like I do. We have that in common because Lord, I think I've seen every movie there is, practically. But then, he’d have to have his laptop if he wanted to watch his DVDs, wouldn't he? Wait…can I say both? Or do I have to pick just one? Because if I have to pick just one…

Bob – Running out of time, Kelly…

Kelly – (ignoring him) I can't choose which one. But then again, you know, he’s allergic to a lot of things, so maybe he’d need his medicine for that, you know, just in case. Oh my God, he’s had to go to the emergency room so many times because he’s eaten something by accident that he’s allergic to, like nuts – not just nuts, but nuts that grow on trees, mushrooms, chocolate, coffee, shellfish…

[BUZZER SOUND]

Bob – OHHHH, Kelly…sorry, we ran out of time…

Kelly – No, I really do think it would be his laptop. Or his dog…yeah, maybe his dog. Then again…

Bob – (Stares blankly into the camera). Final 5 point question: Who will your partner say is the one man you’re most obsessed with?

Kelly – Definitely Steven Tyler. I LOVE Steven Tyler. Clay even bought me an Aerosmith poster off the wall of the concert venue we played in Vegas because he knows how much I love him. Yeah. Wasn’t that SO sweet of him? Clay’s kind of built a bit like Steven Tyler, don’t you think? Although his lips aren’t that big. Clay has nice lips, though. Oh my God. He really does. And you know, every time I hear that Aerosmith song, “Big Ten Inch Record,” for some reason I think of Clay. I have NO idea why.

Bob – Um, yeah. Jennifer, how about you?

Jennifer - Clay Aiken.

Kelly - (mouth open, stares at JLo) Oh my God. You're so not his type.

Jennifer - I'm EVERY man's "type," @#%$.

Bob – (raises eyebrows) Jessica?

Jessica – Well, Clay Aiken is NOT one of my favorites.

Bob – OK, so what is your answer then?

Jessica – Umm. (small voice) Clay Aiken.

Kelly - Oh my God. Am I the only one who isn't in love with Clay? I mean, I'm not, you know. I mean, I LOVE Clay. I LOVE Clay. But we're just good friends. We're like brother and sister. OK, we talk in our bunks until the early morning hours and sometimes we tickle each other in the middle of the night and we have this secret language we use when we're around other people, and he knows me so well that he knows just the right buttons to push...

Bob – (Stares blankly into the camera) We'll, uh, bring the guys back to compare answers after this commercial break.

Part Two

Bob- And we're back! Gentlemen, we asked the ladies the following question…which of your partner’s habits annoy you the most. Clay? What do you do that ticks off Kelly the most?

Clay- Bob, to hear Kelly tell the story, right now, Ah could probably give you over half a million ‘habits’ that annoy her.

Kelly- (shoves Clay) Dude! That’s harsh! No career comparisons!!

Clay- (remorsefully) You’re right, honey. That was not very nice of me. (looks in camera) Ah’m sorry, America. Mah mouth is sometimes a separate entity from the rest of me.

Jessica- (perks up) Did he just say ‘a t***y’? I’d die if li’l Clay had a potty mouth.

(Nick sighs and starts to speak.)

Clay- (leans over to Nick) You know what worked for me, Nick? Feed her somethin'. Do you have a french fry or somethin'? Anything? Anyway, for real…Ah’ll say Ah change my mind a lot. We’ll be at the drive-thru at Jack in the Box or somethin' and Ah’ll say tacos. Then a Jumbo Jack. Then..whatever, Ah drive the clown crazy!

(Kelly starts bouncing up and down in her seat.)

Bob- Kelly, can you show us the card..it’s looking good!

(Kelly beams and holds up the card that says “Changes his mind like a girl”. Kisses Clay on the cheek as he cranes to look at the card.)

Clay- Ah change mah mind like a girl?? Dude, that’s so harsh, too! Don’t be so mean to your sex.

(Jessica perks up)

Jessica- Now I KNOW I heard that! Don’t you spell words like that out, Clay. S-O-X ?

Clay- Yeah, right. So put a S-O-X in it, okay?

Jessica- (cluelessly) Huh? It sounds dirty, but I don’t get it.

Bob- Back to the show, kids. They get the points. Nick? What does Jessica get upset about?

Nick- (immediately) I leave the toilet seat up. She falls in every night.

(Jessica also bounces up and down and beams as she shows the card. She kisses Nick and then turns to stick out her tongue to Clay. Clay mimes pushing up imaginary glasses using his middle finger.)

Bob- Whoa, whoa, whoa! I though we were only going to have FCC problems with Bennifer. Clay…watch the hands! Quickly, Ben, your answer?

Ben- What annoyed Jen the most?? What didn’t annoy Jen? I’m telling you, Bob, Girlfriend was good with the whip and wasn’t afraid to <bleep>ing tell me if I was out of line. I’m gonna say, it annoyed Jennifer that I had a credit limit on my AMEX card.

Jennifer- Very funny, little man. Ab-so-<bleep>in-lutely hilarious.Are you out to LOSE this game? Because I so don’t need this. I’m a millionaire. My mom is a <bleep> ing millionaire. My answer? Your craft, Mr. Second Rate Action Hero. “Daredevil”. What a classic. The AUDIENCE should have been blind, not you, sucker.

Bob- (pleading) People, please! It's just a TV show. A stupid <bleep> ing little game show. And my <bleep> ing career..and oh, God, now I'm doing it. Next question..please. Please. 20 more minutes, okay? Where the h*** were we? Okay. We'll start with Ben, we'll start with you this time. If you were stranded on a desert isle, what one thing could you NOT do without?

Ben- A stripper and a bottle of Jack.

Jennifer- @#%$<bleep>! I KNEW you were lyin' when you said you weren't with her! "Accident" my @#%$!!

Ben- Always bringing up the @#%$, aren't ya? Well let me tell ya, honey, bigger don't necessarily mean better!

Jennifer- Shut the <bleep> up, you manw***!

Bob- (exasperated) PEOPLE! You want to have us thrown off the air?! Where the h*** were we? Nick? I think it might be your turn.

Nick- (thinking) I would have to say, a picture of Jessica's b***s.

Jessica- OH, NICKY!! That's so SWEET!! (she kisses him) Oh pooh. That's better than my answer, I think. (holds up her card)

Nick- (pained) A karaoke machine?

Jessica- I was gonna say my album, but I wasn't sure you'd remember to bring your CD player along.

Bob- (closing his eyes and shaking his head) How about you, Clay? What would you take along to a desert isle?

Clay- Oh goodness. Ah don't know. Ah'd say mah laptop, but then the battery would run out, and then where would Ah be, right? And Ah could say mah friends - Ah'd LOVE to take you along, Kelly - but then maybe mah other friends would wonder whAH Ah didn't ask them. And they'd be all mad and stuff, and Ah'd have to explain mahself, and Lord knows Ah have enough explainin' to do without that. So Ah guess Ah would have to say mah dog, Raleigh.

Bob- Kelly, can you show us the card?

Kelly- I don't remember what I said. Didn't I say dog? (looks at the card) Hey, it's BLANK! I know I said SOMEthing, didn't I??

Bob- Oh yeah. You said a lot of somethings. You said so many somethings that we ran out of time.

Clay- You dork!

Kelly- YOU'RE the dork!

Clay- You are!

Kelly- I know you are, but what am I?

Clay- Ah'm Teflon, you're glue, everything you say bounces off me and gets stuck to you!

Bob- CHILDREN! What are we, in the third grade?? Let's go on to the next question... (big sigh) Clay, let Kelly out of that headlock and answer this next question. Here it is: Clay, who is the one man -- Kelly, stop slapping Clay! -- Who is the one man Kelly is most obsessed with?

Clay- Well, she SHOULD be obsessed with me, but she's not. And Ah could say Mister Studdard, since that's who she told everyone to vote for...

Kelly- OH MY GOD. Here we go again! Do NOT even go there!

Clay- (interrupting)...and because of that Ah LOST...

Kelly- OH MY GOD!

Clay- ...she told everyone to vote for Mr. Studdard every time someone asked her...

Kelly- OH MY GOD! I did NOT! I've told you a million times that I never heard you sing until the finale! I TOLD you...

Bob- CLAY! ANSWER THE D***** QUESTION!

Clay- You know, Bob, there is no call for cussin'. Your momma oughta wash your mouth out with soap like mine did. (patiently, in Teacher-Clay mode) If you want to know mah answer, just ask me politely and Ah'll tell you.

Bob- (through his teeth) Clay, what one man is Kelly most obsessed with?

Clay- There. Isn't that better? Now then...the one man Kelly is obsessed with is without a doubt Steven Tyler.

Kelly- (raising her card above her head triumphantly) A WOO-HOO!! That's right! That's right! Steven Tyler, baby! He's the sexiest man in the world!

Clay- Well Ah got you his picture. Ah bought it right off the wall in Vegas...

Kelly- I know, darlin', I know, and I LOVED it. You are SO sweet! I LOVE YOU!

Clay- (grinning sweetly at her) Better than Steven Tyler?

Kelly- (smiling sweetly back) We'll talk about this later.

Bob- GOOD. Let's move on. Ben, who would Jennifer say is the one man she's most obsessed with?

Ben- ME, of course. She's STILL not over me and she never will be. She'll always have a jones for Big Ben here.

Jennifer- (scoffing) Yeah, right. Little Ben is more like it!

Bob- Jennifer, let's see the card.

(Jennifer defiantly shows the card.)

Ben- HIM?? (he looks at Clay) You're obsessed with HIM?? What the <bleep>??

(Clay looks stunned and pleased.)

Jennifer- That's right! I'm obsessed with Clay Aiken! Because HE could never be described as "Little Clay"!

Clay- That's very true. Ah'm 6'1", you know. A lot of people think Ah'm little because next to Ruben, anyone looks small. But Ah'm actually...

Jennifer- Shut the <bleep> up. You're ruining my <bleep>ing fantasy.

Clay- The next person who cusses has to pay a quarter!

Kelly- (patting Clay's knee) Good for you, honey.

Bob- NICK, who is the one man Jessica's obsessed with?

Nick- Oh, I think I know this. Jessica's always talking about a guy who was in this commercial when she was a kid. He was in a boat in the back of a toilet, and Jessica always says she can't understand how he got the boat in there. She goes on and on about it, even though the commercial hasn't been on for years. (suddenly remembers) The Tidy Bowl man! That's who it was!

Jessica- OH that's right! I forgot about the Tidy Bowl guy!!

Bob- Jessica, turn over your card.

(Jessica turns it.)

Nick- Clay Aiken??

Clay- Wow, really, Jessica? Ah didn't even think you liked me! Is it because of the French fries?

Jessica- No, it's because Nick is trying so hard to be like you, that maybe soon he might turn into you. And then I'll be married to you! So if you're going to be my husband, then I'd better pick you as the guy I'm obsessed with, right?

Nick- Believe it or not, that probably made some kind of weird twisted logic inside that head of hers.

Bob- Weird being the operative word. We'll be right back after these messages.

Part Three

The Guys:

Bob – Welcome back to the New Newlywed Game! We’re here with our guys while the ladies are off sequestered in a sound-proof room so they can’t hear their partners’ responses. So let’s get those responses right now. Gentlemen, the first two questions are worth 10 points each, with the final question being the 25 point question.
Guys, what’s the one thing about you that your partner will say she likes the most? Nick, let’s start with you.

Nick – She likes how I know all the words to The Alphabet Song. She’s been trying to learn it.

Bob- Clay, what does Kelly like best about you?

Clay – Kelly really likes my singin’. Ah think. But then again, she supported Mr. Studdard during American Idol 2, didn’t she? (mock-sarcastically) Yeah, she was a BIG supporter of Mr. Studdard. Hmm. What does she like about me? Ah guess she’ll say it’s my big heart.

Bob - Okay. Ben?

Ben – It ain’t my big heart, lemme tell ya. I’d say it’s more like my big…(sees Clay staring at him)

Bob – Yes?

Ben – (sheepishly) …wallet.

Bob – Why does that not surprise me? Let’s go on to the next question, shall we? We’ll begin with Ben this time. Ben, when it comes to your partner, are you a better speaker or a better listener?

Ben – Ben – Oh hell, I KNOW she's gonna say I was a better speaker, and maybe I was. Although I don't know how the <bleep> she'd know, since she never <bleep>ing listened to me! For example, when I got caught with.I mean, when I was wrongly accused of being with that stripper, did she want to hear my story? NOOOOO.she was too busy ranting and throwing a <bleep>ing fit, saying that I <bleep>ing cheated on her! And I TRIED to tell her it was a misunderstanding, that the stripper accidentally fell in my lap, and next thing I know, I must've been drunk or something and passed out, because I wake up in the stripper's bed...

Bob – (interrupting) So you're a better speaker. Good. Nick, your answer, please?

Nick – I’m a better listener. I’ve given up speaking, because she never understands anything I’m talking about anyway.

Bob – OK, then. Clay?

Clay – Oh mah goodness. Ah would have to say…I’m a better speaker. But then, with Kelly, she talks even more than Ah do, so maybe I’m a better listener in this case. Especially when she’s talking about Justin Guarini. Do you think she went out with him? She hates it when Ah ask her, but there are all these rumors. Ah can’t imagine that she did, because you know…Ah mean, he can’t sing. Did you see the Oprah show? He gave me the willies, the way he was singin’ and slimin’ all over that girl in the audience…

Bob – (interrupting) So, you’re a better listener?

Clay – What?

Bob – Let’s just go with “better speaker,” okay?

Bob - Where’s the most unusual place you’ve made whoopee? Ben?

Ben - The bedroom. Definitely. Girl was a freak

Bob - Nick, what about you?

Nick - In a library, the reference area. How I got Jess in there, I’ll never know.

Clay - (making a face and recoiling) OK. That's just sick. Ah am not such a hick as ya'all make me out to be. At least Ah know what a bathroom is for.

Ben - Hey, man. That's cool. Bathrooms are small, but you get up close and personal. Ever try one on an airplane? Mile high club, buddy!

Clay - Thanks for the info, Ace Ventura!

Bob - So, Clay, your answer is "bathroom"?

Clay - NO, of course not. Is everyone perverted here?

(Nick and Ben look at each other.)

Nick - Compared to you? Definitely.

Bob - I do need an answer, Clay. Whoopee? Where?

Clay - Golly, Ah need to regroup after this..All right. Tour bus. Ah keep tellin' Kelly..no whoopee on the tour bus. It’s nasty. And rude to the other passengers. Rickey Smith constantly made whoopee on his tour bus last summer. It even made the news.

Bob - Really. I don't remember seeing that. I thought you all were so squeaky clean, too.

Ben - Now I get it. This is gonna be entertainment at its finest!
Bob- And our final 25 point question. Would your partner say you're a Big Shot, a Big Man on Campus or Mr. Big Stuff? Nick?

Nick - Oh, definitely Mr. Big Stuff. Gotta be..

Bob - Ben? Big Shot, Big Man on Campus or Mr Big Stuff?

Ben - Bobarino! Bob, bob, Bobby. The Affleckinator is definitely of the Big Stuff variety.

Bob - Really? I'm sensing a pattern here. Clay?

Clay - Oh, Ah'm not that big of a big shot. Mr. Big Stuff..my mama told me never to get above my raisin' so Ah cain't say that Ah think Ah'm big headed..

(Nick and Ben both snicker)

Clay - (back in "Teacher Clay" mode) Perhaps you boys need some manners. Anyway...Ah really enjoyed school, so I'll say Big Man on Campus.

Bob - Come back and see how well the girls know the guys! We'll be right back...

Part 4

Bob- OK, we're back with the girls to compare answers, each one is worth 10 points. Ladies..how do you think your partners answered this question? Where is the most unusual place you’ve made whoopee? Jennifer?

(Clay looks uncomfortable and squirms in his seat. He looks up, away, anywhere but at the other couples and Kelly.)

Jennifer- It’s between Harry Winston’s, after Ben bought me the canary yellow diamond earrings or the dressing room at Versace’s after Ben told me to pick out whatever I wanted. Wait. Maybe I should say in the Escalade he bought me after our third date. (Looks thoughtful) I think I’ll just say the bedroom. I think we only did it there once.

Bob- Good memory, Jennifer, because Ben…show her your card

(Ben picks up the card with a bored look.)

Ben- Told you. Freak. Materialistic freak.

Jennifer- At least I wasn’t an anorexic tight a** like your last girlfriend. Crica.

Jessica- Made whoopee? Well, once Nick and I went camping with his brother and sister in law. And we had to make whoopee outside. It was weird. And cold.

Bob- I'll bet. Sounds wonderful, but Nick said…

(Nick holds up the card reading “In a library”)

Nick- (patiently) Jess, don’t you remember? All the books?

Jessica- That was a LIBRARY ?! I thought those were wallpaper sample albums!! I wondered why everyone kept shushing us. And, Nick, we didn’t make WHOOPEE there. I hate using a public bathroom. I know I waited till we got home. I don’t know what YOU did.

Nick- (exasperated) Oh, not you, too. (whispers to her)

Jessica- (eyes widen and she giggles) Well, why didn’t you say 'make love'. I thought ‘making whoopee’ meant…

Clay- (realization dawning on him) Oh, GOD.

(Bob turns to Kelly who is looking at Clay quizzically.)

Bob- Kelly? Where is the most unusual place the two of you have made whoopee?

Kelly- Here’s the thing, Mr Eubanks. We, him and I , together have not quote unquote ‘made whoopee’. We are like kids together. We talk and giggle and make fun of Jerome, but we do not ‘make whoopee’. (Stops) Clay, WHY are you so uncomfortable?? Are you tellin’ tales out of school?

Clay- (blushes) Uh. No..but (whispers in her ear)

Kelly- Is that what you thought it meant??? Euuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh. It’s sex, you moron. Not THAT. You think someone would ask you about your um, bathroom habits on national TV?? Someone would ask J-Lo something like that???

(Everyone except Clay starts laughing)

Clay- (desperately) Kelly…shhhhh. Shut up! Mr. Eubanks, just skip this question. Ah don’t want the points.

Bob- ( still laughing at Clay) Oh, we can’t do that. Show them the card, Clay.

(Kelly wrests the card away from Clay)

Kelly- Bus..(waving the card) Look, you guys..he said “Bus”!

Ben- (confidentially to Kelly) We thought he knew what it meant. We thought he was just a prude, not an idiot.

Kelly- Gives a whole new meaning to ‘more special to wait’, doesn’t it??

(Everyone explodes in laughter, leaving Clay to sink down in his seat)

Bob- I think it's time to move on! OK, ladies, what's the one thing about your partner that you like the most? Jessica?

Jessica- Oh wow. I like how he knows the answers to really hard questions. Like the other night, I asked him why chicken is called chicken when beef isn't called cow.

Bob- (eyebrows raised) And he knew the answer to that?

Jessica- No, but it was a hard question, wasn't it?

Bob- (rubbing his face in frustration) Nick, why don't you show us your card.

(Nick holds up his card with an embarrassed look)

Jessica- What's the Alphabet Song?

Nick- (sings) A - B - C - D - E - F - G...

Jessica- OHH, yeah! Hey, that's a hard question! So I match, right?

Bob- Huh? Um..no. No, you don't. Jennifer, what do you like best about Ben?

Jennifer- (Z-necking) His <bleep>ing ABSENCE. (she laughs at her own joke)

Bob- The card, Ben?

(Ben glares at Jennifer and holds up his card defiantly)

Jennifer- Your WALLET?? You <bleep>ing wish, man. I could buy your a** ten times over.

Ben- Oh, you mean when you're not busy selling yours?

Clay- Oooo, SCORE! (He and Ben high-five each other.)

Jennifer- (to Clay) <BLEEP> you.

Clay- HA! In your dreams, lady. And Ah'm REALLY stretchin' it when Ah use that term...

Bob- I hate to interrupt this interesting conversation, but we need to get on with the game. Kelly, what do you like most about Clay?

Kelly- Oh, wow. I like how sweet he is. He is SO sweet! And he's got such a good heart...

Bob- (interrupting before she can get carried away again) Show her the card, Clay.

(Clay shows the card and smiles sweetly at Kelly. They hug tightly.)

Ben- (rolling his eyes) Aw geez, you're giving me a friggin' cavity here.

Jennifer- Finally...something we agree on.

Bob- Final question. Ladies, when it comes to you, is your partner a better speaker or a better listener? Jennifer, we'll start with you this time.

Jennifer- Oh, this one's easy. He's a better speaker. He loves the to hear himself talk even though he sounds like a <bleep>ing jackass.

Bob- Let's see the card, Ben.

Ben- (throws the card at Jennifer) I <bleep>ing KNEW you'd <bleep>ing say that, you <bleep>.

Clay- (whispering to Kelly) What does that mean?

Kelly- (whispering back) I think it means a hoo-hah.

Clay- Oh. (realization hits) OHHHH. (blushing and indignant) Oh, that's just NASTY! You should pay a whole DOLLAR for that one, Ben Affleck!

Bob- (sighs) Could we move on, please? Jessica?

Jessica- Oh, Nick's really good at listening. I talk all the time, and he listens. In fact, he wears headphones so he can hear me better.

Bob- (confused) Wait...how can he hear you if he's wearing headphones?

Jessica- Because they're SPECIAL headphones, silly!

Nick- (staring at Bob meaningfully) Yeah, they're SPECIAL headphones, Bob.

Bob- OHH, right. Gotcha. Okay! Nick, show us your card, please.

Nick- (showing the card) Better listener!

Jessica- YAY!! We're so good at this!

Bob- No doubt. That brings us to you, Kelly. Is Clay a better listener or a better speaker?

Kelly- Oh shoot. He listens really well. Like, we talk all night in our bunks, and we laugh, and we argue...And like I said before, Lord, he surely does know how to push my buttons...

Ben- (smirking) I'm amazed he can even find your "buttons"...

Clay- (indignant) Ex-CUSE me??

Kelly- (angrily) Dude, if you don't shut UP, I'm gonna kick your a** Texas-style! Now where was I? Oh, yeah. Clay is a really good listener. But he sure likes to talk, too. That boy can TALK, lemme tell ya. I never thought I'd meet anybody who liked to talk as much as I do, but I think I did the day I met Clay. You wouldn't believe some of the things we talk about. Everything from politics to music to other celebrities to religion. Oh, wow...The other day, we were discussing Simon Cowell, and it was so funny, Clay said...

Bob- (he's had it) Kelly, we need an answer!

Kelly- (thinking) What was the question again?

Bob- (angrily) Betterspeakerorbetterlisteneranswerplease?

Kelly- Oh yeah. OK, well since he's really good at giving speeches for his foundation and stuff, I'll say he's a better speaker.

Clay- YES!! (Shows the card)

Kelly- A WOO-HOO!!! We ROCK!!

Clay- They cain't pull one over on US! (they high-five, then hug tightly again)

Ben- Gimme a <bleep>ing break.

Clay- Quarter!

Bob- Funny you should mention a break. We'll be back right after this one.

*****************************

Bob- We're back, and finally, our 25 point question. Ladies, would you say your partner is a Big Shot, a Big Man on Campus or Mr Big Stuff? Let's go to Ben and Jennifer first. You have (cough) zero points. This could really help you. Jennifer, which "Big" is Ben?

Jennifer- Can I say Big Talker, Bob?

Bob- Let me repeat the choices, Jennifer, Big Shot, Big Man on Campus or Mr. Big Stuff?

Jennifer- Big Baby?

Ben- C'mon, honey..can't we just get through this one last thing civilly?

Jennifer- (hissing) Don't you 'honey' me. You almost ruined my career. Thank God I have my music to fall back on!

Ben- What? Your a** isn't enough cushioning?

Jennifer- (stands up) That's it. You know, I don't know who you think you are, Boston Bean, but you're a <bleep>ing nobody. A nothing. You're not fit to carry Diddy's concealed weapons. Girls..

(Jennifer snaps her fingers; she is joined by a massive entourage and they storm off the stage.)

Ben- (bewildered) Matt? Are you here?

(Ben tries to snap his fingers, fails...Matt Damon comes onstage and pushes him off camera.)

Matt- Man, you are one pitiful passive-aggressive s******h. If I didn't think I could get a good screenplay out of this, I think I'd take your brother Casey over you right now.

Bob- (nervously) Ladies and gentlemen, Matt Damon! Matt Damon.....are they gone? All of them? Can we finish..? OK. Jess, what do think Nick is, a Big Shot, Big Man on Campus or Mr. Big Stuff? You and Nick could also really use the points here!

Jessica- Big shot? Oh, Nick isn't big on shooting. I think he's played Paintball once or twice, but he really doesn't like loud noises. Big Man on Campus? I told you already we hate camping. It's so icky.

Nick- (protesting) Now, hey, Jess, I do like to go camping. You hated it. But I like being out in the woods..and why am I responding to this? CAMPUS. Like a college campus, ding-dong.

Jessica- Ohhhh. They have a college for camping? That must be easy.

Nick- (exasperated) This could go on all night. Just say Mr.Big Stuff, stupid.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Bob- Uh-Oh. I'm afraid you just disqualified yourself, Nick. You gave away the answer...

Jessica- (interrupting, to Nick) I am NOT stupid, stupid. You're the stupidhead. You have poo for brains. (turns to Clay) I said 'poo', Clay. Come and get me. ( sits back and pouts) I hate boys.

Bob- As I said, you gave away the answer, Nick. Not that I blame you and not that it matters, because Kelly and Clay have won the game!

(Kelly and Clay jump up and down, hugging and screaming.)

Bob- (trying to talk above them) Kelly, do you want to answer this question anyway?

Clay- (smirking) You know, for once Ah figured out what one of these goofy questions mean. Ah think this is my new favorite show. Go ahead, honey. Answer the question.

Kelly- Bob, all I can say is "Big" doesn't even begin to describe his stuff. You should see the video. Tons of footage.

Clay- Heh, heh Beavis. You said 'footage'.

Kelly- And 'stuff'. Heh. Heh.

Clay- Heh Heh.

(Kelly and Clay begin to slug each other in the shoulder and playfully wrestle again.)

Bob- Oh, for the love of God, there they go again. Forget what I said about my career. I'm too old for this. I'm going back to Malibu where I belong. I'm sure Marky Wahlberg or Daisy Fuentes need this more than I do. If this is hip, I need a replacement.

<cue stupid music and credits>