Nearly every funny or clever quote from the Potter Series!

Harry | Ron | Hermione | Dumbledore

Sirius | Fred and George | Draco Malfoy | Others

   - Harry

I don't know who Maxime thinks she's kidding. If Hagrid's half-giant, she definitely is. Big bones... the only thing that's got bigger bones than her is a dinosaur.

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"Pity you can't attach an extra arm to yours [broom], Malfoy. Then it could catch the Snitch for you."

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"I don't go looking for trouble. Trouble usually finds me."

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"Are you insane? Of course I want to leave the Dursleys! Have you got a house? When can I move in?"

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"Voldemort uses people his enemies are close to. He's already used you as bait once, and that was just because you're my best friend's sister. Think how much danger you'll be in if we keep this up. He'll know, he'll find out. He'll try and get to me through you."

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"He was my mum and dad's best friend. He's a convicted murderer, but he's broken out of wizard prison and he's on the run. He likes to keep in touch with me, though...keep up with news...check if I'm happy..."

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"Brilliant! It's Potions last thing on Friday! Snape won't have the time to poison us all!"

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"Yeah, Quirrell was a great teacher. There was just that minor drawback of him having Lord Voldemort sticking out of the back of his head!"

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"Well, I had one that I was playing Quidditch the other night," said Ron, screwing up his face in an effort to remember. "What do you think that means?"
"Probably that you're going to be eaten by a giant marshmallow or something," said Harry, turning the pages of The Dream Oracle without interest.

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"Harry, don't go picking a row with Malfoy, don't forget, he's a prefect now, he could make life difficult for you..."
"Wow, I wonder what it'd be like to have a difficult life?" said Harry sarcastically.

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"How long have you been 'Big D' then?" said Harry.
"Shut it," snarled Dudley, turning away again.
"Cool name," said Harry, grinning, "but you'll always be Ickle Diddykins to me."
"Shut your face."
"You don't tell her [Aunt Petunia] to shut her face. What about 'popkin' and 'Dinky Diddydums,' can I use them then?"

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"You can't give a Dementor the old one-two!"

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"Why were you lurking under our window?"
"Yes -- yes, good point, Petunia! What were you doing under our windows, boy?"
"Listening to the news," said Harry in a resigned voice.
His aunt and uncle exchanged looks of outrage. "Listening to the news! Again?"
"Well, it changes every day, you see," said Harry.

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"Er -- thanks very much, Ernie," said Harry, taken aback. Ernie might be pompous on occasions like these, but Harry was in a mood to deeply appreciate a vote of confidence from somebody who was not wearing radishes in their ears.

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"Proud?" said Harry. "Are you crazy? All those times I could've died, and I didn't manage it? They'll be furious...."

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"Cut it out," he [Harry] said firmly, rubbing the scar as the pain receded again.
"First sign of madness, talking to your own head," said a sly voice from the empty picture on the wall.

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"You know your mother, Malfoy? The expression on her face - like she's got dung under her nose? Is she like that all the time or just because you were with her?"

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"He [Dumbledore] will only be gone from the school when none are loyal to him."

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"It's just hard," Harry said finally, in a low voice,"to realize he won't write me again."

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"I realised I can�t shut myself away or crack up. It could be me next, couldn�t it? But if it is, I�ll make sure I take as many Death Eaters with me as I can and Voldemort too, if I can manage it."

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"Snape killed Dumbledore."

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"Dumbledore's man through and through," said Harry. "That's right."

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"Wow... look at that... he's not here now! So why not have a go? They might be able to find you a double cell in Azkaban with your loser of a husband!"

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"Well, think back," said Harry. "Have you ever let it slip that you'd like to go out in public with the words 'My Sweetheart' round your neck'?"

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"Warrington's aim's so pathetic I'd be more worried if he was aiming for the person next to me."

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[To Mundungus] "What did you do, go back the night he died and strip the place?"

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"I like a quiet life, you know me."

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"And they'd [the Death Eaters] love to have me," said Harry sarcastically. "We'd be best pals if they didn't keep trying to do me in."

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   - Ron

[Prefects Who Gained Power:] "A Study of Hogwarts Prefects and Their Later Careers... That sounds fascinating..."

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"I want to fix that in my memory forever. Draco Malfoy, the amazing bouncing ferret..."

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"Hearing voices no one else can hear isn't a good sign, even in the wizarding world."

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"Viktor? Hasn't he asked you to call him Vicky yet?"

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Speaking quietly so that no one else would hear, Harry told the other two about Snape's sudden, sinister desire to be a Quidditch referee.
"Don't play," said Hermione at once.
"Say you're ill," said Ron.
"Pretend to break your leg," Hermione suggested.
"Really break your leg," said Ron.

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"But why's she got to go to the library?"
"Because that's what Hermione does. When in doubt, go to the library."

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"We're coming for you whether the Muggles like it or not, you can't miss the World Cup, only Mum and Dad reckon it's better if we pretend to ask their permission first. If they say yes, send Pig back with your answer pronto, and we'll come and get you at five o'clock on Sunday. If they say no, send Pig back pronto and we'll come and get you at five o'clock on Sunday anyway." [Letter to Harry]

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"Percy wouldn't recognize a joke if it danced naked in front of him wearing Dobby's tea-cozy."

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[Hermione] "Aren't you two ever going to read Hogwarts: A History?"
"What's the point? You know it all by heart, we can just ask you."

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Hermione frowned at Ron.
"He's not a nutter, Ron--"
"His life's ambition is to have his head cut off and stuck up on a plaque just like his mother," said Ron irritably. "Is that normal, Hermione?"

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"Well, we were always going to fail that one," said Ron gloomily as they ascended the marble staircase. He had just made Harry feel rather better by telling him how he told the examiner in detail about the ugly man with a wart on his nose in the crystal ball, only to look up an realize he had been describing the examiner's reflection.

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"The hats have gone," Hermione said happily. "Seems the house-elves do want freedom after all."
"I wouldn't bet on it," Ron told her cuttingly. "They might not count as clothes. They didn't look anything like hats to me, more like woolly bladders."

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"What's up with you, Hermione?" She was gazing out the window, but not as though she really saw it. Her eyes were unfocused and there was a frown on her face. "Just thinking..." she said, still frowning. "About Siri -- Snuffles?" said Harry. "No...not exactly..." said Hermione slowly. "More...wondering...I suppose we're doing the right thing...I think....aren't we?" Harry and Ron looked at each other. "Well, that clears that up," said Ron. "It would have been really annoying if you hadn't explained yourself properly."

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"I've got two Neptunes here," said Harry after a while, frowning down on his parchment, "that can't be right, can it?"
"Aaaah," said Ron, imitating Professor Trelawney's mysical whisper, "when two Neptunes appear in the sky, it is a sure sign that a midget in glasses is being born, Harry..."

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"...from now on, I don't care if my tea leaves spell 'die, Ron, die,' I'm chucking them in the bin where they belong."

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"I'll make Goyle do lines, he hates writing," said Ron happily. He lowered his voice to Goyle's low grunt, mimed writing in midair. "I...must...not...look...like...a...baboon's...backside."

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"It's obvious," said Ron. "You can pretend to be waiting Professor Flitwick, you know." He put on a high voice, "'Oh, Professor Flitwick, I'm so worried, I think I got question fourteen b wrong...'"

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"Stop moving!" Hermonie ordered them. "I know what this is-it's the Devil's Snare!"
"Oh, I'm so glad we know what it's called, that's a great help," snarled Ron, leaning back, trying to stop the plant from curling around his neck.

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"Did I tell you I've invented a broomstick that'll reach Jupiter?"

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"There you go, Harry," Ron shouted over the noise. "You weren't being thick after all- you were showing moral fiber!"

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"You need your inner eye tested if you ask me."

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"Lockhart'll sign anything if it stands still long enough."

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"Could've been anything," said Ron. "Maybe he [Tom Riddle] got thirty O.W.L.s or saved a teacher from the giant squid. Maybe he murdered Myrtle; that would've done everyone a favor..."

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"We'll be there, Harry," said Ron.
"What?"
"At your aunt and uncle's house," said Ron. "And then we'll go with you, wherever you're going."

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   - Hermione

"Oh Harry, don't you see? If she could have done one thing to make absolutely sure that every single person in this school will read your interview, it was banning it!"

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"Just because you've got the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean we all have."

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"Just because it's taken you three years to notice, Ron, doesn't mean no one else has spotted I'm a girl!"

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"The fates have informed me that your examination in June will concern the Orb, and I am anxious to give you sufficient practice.
Hermione snorted. "Well honestly. . . 'the fates have informed her'. . . Who sets the exam? She does!"

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"Twitchy little ferret, aren't you, Malfoy?"

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"Malfoy's got detention! I could sing."

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"I hope you're pleased with yourselves. We could all have been killed-or worse, expelled. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to bed."

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"Ron," said Hermione in a dignified voice, "you are the most insensitive wart I have ever had the misfortune to meet."

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"At least no one on the Gryffindor team had to buy their way in. They got in on pure talent."

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"Please, Professor McGonagall--they were looking for me."
"Miss Granger!"
Hermione had managed to get to her feet at last. "I went looking for the troll because I--I thought I could deal with it on my own--you know, because I've read all about them."

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"Harry--you're a great wizard, you know."
"I'm not as good as you," said Harry, very embarrassed, as she let him go.
"Me!" said Hermione. "Books! And cleverness! There are more important things--friendship and bravery and--oh Harry--be careful!"

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"Grawp's about sixteen feet tall, enjoys ripping up twenty-foot pine trees, and knows me," she [Hermione] snorted, "as Hermy."

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"You said to us once before," said Hermione quietly, "that there was time to turn back if we wanted to. We've had time, haven't we?"

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   - Albus Dumbledore

"I believe your friends Misters Fred and George Weasley were responsible for trying to send you a toilet seat. No doubt they thought it would amuse you."

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"By all means continue destroying my possessions. I daresay I have too many."

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"Your mother died to save you. If there is one thing Voldemort cannot understand, it is love."

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"Don't be silly, Dawlish. I'm sure you are an excellent Auror, I seem to remember you achieved 'Outstanding' in all your N.E.W.T.s, but if you attempt to � er � 'bring me in' by force, I will have to hurt you."

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"I will only truly have left this school none here are loyal to me... Help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who ask for it."

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"To the well organized mind, death is but the next great adventure."

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"It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities."

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"Fear of a name increases fear of a thing itself."

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"Humans have a knack for choosing precisely the things that are worst for them."

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"Remember Cedric. Remember, if the time should come when you have to make a choice between what is right and what is easy, remember what happened to a boy who was good, and kind, and brave, because he strayed across the path of Lord Voldemort. Remember Cedric Diggory."

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"I don't need a cloak to become invisible."

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"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live."

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"Youth cannot know how age thinks and feels. But old men are guilty if they forget what it is to be young...and I seem to have forgotten lately."

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"...in the light of Voldemort's return, we are only as strong as we are united, as weak as we are divided. Lord Voldemort's gift for spreading discord and enmity is very great. We can fight it only by showing an equally strong bond of friendship and trust. Differences of habit and language are nothing at all if our aims are identical and our hearts are open."

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"You fail to recognize that it matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be."

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"It's lucky it's dark...I haven't blushed so much since Madame Pomfrey told me she liked my new earmuffs."

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�I see a light in the kitchen. Let us not deprive Molly any longer of the chance to deplore how thin you are.�

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�The shock of her desertion may have contributed to his early death � or perhaps he had simply never learned to feed himself.�

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"No, I was merely reading the Muggle magazines," said Dumbledore. "I do love knitting patterns."

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"And now Harry, let us step out into the night and pursue that flighty temptress, adventure."

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"I am not worried, Harry," said Dumbledore, his voice a little stronger despite the freezing water. "I am with you."

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"For future reference, Harry, it [favorite jam] is raspberry...although of course, if I were a Death Eater, I would have been sure to research my own jam preferences before impersonating myself."

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"It is a long time since my last visit," said Dumbledore, peering down his crooked nose at Uncle Vernon. "I must say, your agapanthuses are flourishing."

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"- yet, sadly, accidental rudeness occurs alarmingly often. Best to say nothing at all, my dear man."

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"I would assume that you were going to offer me refreshment, but the evidence so far suggests that that would be optimistic to the point of foolishness."

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"Time is making fools of us again."

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"It�s the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more."

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"In fact, being - forgive me - rather cleverer than most men, my mistakes tend to be correspondingly huger."

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"In fact, being - forgive me - rather cleverer than most men, my mistakes tend to be correspondingly huger."

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"I'm sorry Harry; I should have said, he [Voldemort] would not want to immediately kill the person who reached the island."

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"Oh, you know about Nicolas?" said Dumbledore, sounding quite delighted. "You did do the thing properly, didn't you?"

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"It is important to fight, and fight again, and keep fighting, for only then can evil be kept at bay, though never quite eradicated."

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"It is the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more."

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"There are all kinds of courage. It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends."

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"We must try not to sink beneath our anguish, Harry, but battle on."

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"Don't count your owls before they are delivered."

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"Ah, Harry, how often this happens, even between the best of friends! Each of us believes that what he has to say is much more important than anything the other might have to contribute!"

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"Voldemort himself created his own worst enemy, just as tyrants everywhere do! Have you any idea how much tyrants fear the people they oppress?"

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"There is nothing to be feared from a body, Harry, any more than there is anything to be feared from the darkness."

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   - Sirius Black

"If you made a better rat than a human, that's not much to boast about."

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"You should have died! Died rather than betray your friends, as we would have done for you!"

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"This is how it is - this is why you're not in the Order - you don't understand - there are things worth dying for!"

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"If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals."

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"What was there to be gained by fighting the most evil wizard who has ever existed? Only innocent lives, Peter."

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"There's enough filth on my robes without you touching them."

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"You are truly your father's son, Harry..."

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"I'll look for him later, I expect I'll find him upstairs crying his eyes out over my mother's old bloomers or something...Of course, he might have crawled up into the airing cupboard and died...But I mustn't get my hopes up..."

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"Reading between the lines, I�d say she thinks you�re a bit conceited, mate."

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"Kreacher is cleaning," the elf repeated. "Kreacher lives to serve the noble house of Black-"
"-and getting blacker every day, it's filthy," said Sirius.

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"Keep muttering and I will be a murderer!"

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"Believe me. I never betrayed James and Lily. I would have died before I betrayed them."

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   - Fred and George

"Make way for the heir of Slytherin, seriously evil wizard [Harry] coming through..."

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"Give her [Umbridge] hell from us, Peeves."

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"Are you trying to weasel out of showing us any of this stuff?" said Zacharias Smith.
"Here's an idea," said Ron loudly, "why don't you shut your mouth?"
"Well, we've all turned up to learn from him, and now he's telling us he can't really do any of it," he said.
"That's not what he said," said Fred Weasley.
"Would you like us to clean out your ears for you?" inquired George, pulling a long and lethal-looking metal instrument from inside one of the Zonko's bags.
"Or any part of your body, really, we're not fussy where we stick this," said Fred.

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"We tried to shut him in a pyramid, but Mum spotted us." -George

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"Has Ron saved a goal yet?" asked Hermione.
"Well, he can do it if he thinks no one is watching him," said Fred, rolling his eyes. "So all we have to do is ask the crowd to turn their backs and talk among themselves every time the Quaffle goes up on his end Saturday."

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"You don't want to bottle your anger up like that, Harry, let it all out," said Fred, beaming. "There might be a couple people fifty miles away who didn't hear you."

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"--but you get these massive pus-filled boils too," said George, "and we haven't worked out how to get rid of them yet."
"I can't see any boils," said Ron, staring at the twins.
"No, well, you wouldn't," said Fred, "they're not in a place we generally display to the public --"
"-- but they make sitting on a broom a right pain in the --"

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"You haven't got a letter on yours [Ron's sweater]," George observed. "I suppose she thinks you don't forget your name. But we're not stupid - we know we're called Gred and Forge."

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"Mum!" said Fred as though he'd only just spotted her and seizing her hand too. "How really corking to see you--"

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"We'll send you a Hogwarts toilet seat!" - George

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"Hello Harry," said George, beaming at him. "We thought we heard your dulcet tones."

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"We've got it [Percy's Head Boy badge]. We're improving it." The badge now read, 'Bighead Boy'."

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"You're a prefect? Oh Ronnie! That's everyone in the family!" [Molly Weasley]
'What are Fred and I? Next door neighbours?"

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"So top grade's O for 'Outstanding,'" she [Hermione] was saying, "and then there's A-"
"No, E," George corrected her, "E for 'Exceeds Expectations.' And I've always thought Fred and I should've got E in everything, because we exceeded expectations just by turning up for the exams."

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"Well, I certainly don't," said Percy sanctimoniously. "I shudder to think what the state of my in-tray would be if I was away from work for five days."
"Yeah, someone might slip dragon dung in it again, eh, Perce?" said Fred.
"That was a sample of fertilizer from Norway!" said Percy, going very red in the face. "It was nothing personal!"
"It was," Fred whispered to Harry as they got up from the table. "We sent it."

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"Time is Galleons, little brother."

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"What would we want to be prefects for?" said George, looking revolted at the very idea. "It'd take all the fun out of life."

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[Fred] "So, all in all, not one of Ron's better birthdays?"

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   - Draco Malfoy

"Well, I can certainly see why we're trying to keep them alive. Who wouldn't want pets that can burn, sting, and bite all at once?"

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"Longbottom, if brains were gold, you'd be poorer than Weasley, and that's saying something."

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"Oh how silly we�ve been!" Malfoy sneered. "We should have stroked them! Why didn�t we guess?"
"I-I thought they were funny," Hagrid said uncertainly to Hermione.
"Oh tremendously funny!" said Malfoy. "Really witty, giving us books that try and rip our hands off!"

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"You'll soon find out some wizarding families are much better than others, Potter. You don't want to go making friends with the wrong sort. I can help you there."

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"No one asked your opinion, you filthy little Mudblood."

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"Azkaban- the wizard's prison, Goyle. Honestly, if you were any slower, you'd be going backwards."

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"Arthur Weasley loves Muggles so much he should snap his wand in half and go and join them. You'd never know the Weasleys were purebloods, the way they behave."

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"I'd be careful if I were you, Potter. Unless you're a bit politer, you'll go the same way as your parents. They didn't know what was good for them, either. You hang around with riff-raff like the Weasleys and that Hagrid and it'll rub off on you."

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"Think my name's funny, do you? No need to ask who you are. My father told me all the Weasleys have red hair, freckles, and more children than they can afford."

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"Montague's just been found in a toilet, Sir."

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"You'd better hurry up, they'll be waiting for 'the Chosen Captain'-- 'The Boy Who Scored'-- whatever they call you these days."

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"But I got this far, didn't I?" he [Draco] said slowly. "They thought I'd die in the attempt, but I'm here... and you're in my power.... I'm the one with the wand.... You're at my mercy...."

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