Funny Bits from the first six books.


Furious, Harry threw his ingredients and his bag into his cauldron and dragged it up to the front of the dungeon to the empty table. Snape followed, sat down at his desk and watched Harry unload his cauldron. Determined not to look at Snape, Harry resumed the mashing of his scarab beetles, imagining each one to have Snape's face.



"He sounds exactly like Moody," said Harry quietly, tucking the letter away again inside his robes. "'Constant vigilance!' You'd think I walk around with my eyes shut, banging off the walls...."



"I told you!" Ron hissed at Hermione as she stared down the article. "I told you not to annoy Rita Skeeter! She's made you out to be some sort of-scarlet woman!" Hermione stopped looking atonished and snorted with laughter. "Scarlet woman?" she repeated, shaking with surpressed giggles as she looked around at Ron. "It's what my mum calls them," Ron muttered, his ears going red.



"Oh, are you a prefect Percy? You should have said something we had no idea." "Hang on I think I remember him saying something about it, Once..."
"Or twice-"
"A minute-"
"All summer-"
"We tried to shut him in a pyramid, but Mum spotted us." -Fred and George Weasley



(Harry is reading Ron's letter) ...Thought I'd send this with Pig anyway. Harry stared at the word "Pig", and looked up at the tiny owl now fluttering around the light fixture on the ceiling. He had never seen anything that looked less like a pig.



"Lockhart'll sign anything if it stands still long enough."
-Ron



"Yeah, I've seen those things they think are gnomes," said Ron, bent double with his head in a peony bush, "like fat little Santa Clauses with fishing rods."
-Ron



"What would we want to be prefects for?" Said George looking revolted at the very idea. "It'd take all the fun out of life."
-George Weasley



"It's lucky it's dark...I haven't blushed so much since Madame Pomfrey told me she liked my new earmuffs."
-Dumbledore



Dudley looked alot like Uncle Vernon. He had a large pink face, not much neck, small watery blue eyes, and thick blonde hair that lay smoothly on his thick, fat head. Aunt Petunia often said that Dudley looked like a baby angel. Harry often said that Dudley looked like a pig in a wig.



"Yer' great puddin' of a son don' need fattenin' anymore, Dursley don' worry."
-Hagrid



"I tell you, that dragon is the most horrible creature I've ever met, but the way Hagrid goes about it you'd think it was a fluffy little bunny rabbit. When it bit me, he told me off for frightening it. And when I left he was singing it a lullaby."
-Ron



"So light a fire!" Harry choked. "Yes...of course...but there's no wood!" Hermione cried wringing her hands. "HAVE YOU GONE MAD!" Ron bellowed, "ARE YOU A WITCH OR NOT!"



"I believe misters Fred and George Weasley were responsible for trying to send you a toilet seat."
-Dumbledore



Fred and George, however, found all this very funny. They went out of their way to march ahead of Harry down the corridors, shouting, "Make way for the Heir of Slytherin, seriously evil wizard coming through. . ."



"Where is Wood?" said Harry, suddenly realizing he wasn't there. "Still in the showers," said Fred. "We think he's trying to drown himself."



"Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business." "Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git."

"Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor."





"That'll change the world, that report will," said Ron. "Front page of the Daily Prophet, I expect, cauldron leaks."



"Yeah, someone might slip dragon dung in it again, eh, Perce?" said Fred. "That was a sample of fertilizer from Norway!" said Percy, going very red in the face. "It was nothing personal!" "It was," Fred whispered to Harry as they got up from the table. "We sent it."



One of them was a very old wizard who was wearing a long flowery nightgown. The other was clearly a Ministry wizard; he was holding out a pair of pinstriped trousers and almost crying with exasperation. "Just put them on, Archie, there's a good chap. You can't walk around like that, the Muggle at the gate's already getting suspicious--"

"I bought this in a Muggle shop," said the old wizard stubbornly. "Muggles wear them."

"Muggle women wear them, Archie, not the men, they wear these," said the Ministry wizard, and he brandished the pinstriped trousers.

"I'm not putting them on," said old Archie in indignation. "I like a healthy breeze 'round my privates, thanks."



"I was saying that Saturn was surely in a position of power in the heavens at the moment of your birth...your dark hair...your mean stature...tragic losses so young in life...I think I am right in saying, my dear, that you were born in midwinter?"

"No," said Harry, "I was born in July." Ron hastily turned his laugh into a hacking cough.



"I want to fix that in my memory forever," said Ron, his closed and an uplifted expression on his face. "Draco Malfoy, the amazing bouncing ferret..."



"Excuse me, I don't like people just because they're handsome!" said Hermione indignantly. Ron gave a loud false cough, which sounded oddly like "Lockhart!"



"You're alive," she said blankly to Harry.

"There's no need to sound so disappointed," he said grimly, wiping flecks of blood and slime off his glasses.

"Oh, well...I'd just been thinking...if you had died, you'd have been welcome to share my toilet," said Myrtle, blushing silver.



"You seem to be drowning twice," said Hermione.

"Oh, am I?" said Ron peering down at his predictions. "I'd better change one of them to getting trampled by a rampaging Hippogriff."

"Don't you think it's a bit obvious you've made these up?" said Hermione

"How dare you!" said Ron in mock outrage. "We've been working like house elves here!"



"Aaaah," said Ron, imitating Professor Trelawney's mystical whisper, "when two Neptunes appear in the sky, it is a sure sign that a midget in glasses is being born."



"Oh Professor look! I think I found an unaspected planet! Oooh, which one's that, Professor?"

"It is Uranus my dear." said Professor Trelawney peering down a the chart.

"Can I have a look at Uranus too, Lavender?" said Ron.



"Well, I can certainly see why were trying to keep them alive." said Malfoy sarcastically. "Who wouldn't want pets that can burn, sting, and suck blood all at once?"



"Don't tell your mother you've been gambling," Mr. Weasley implored Fred and George as they all made their way slowly down the purple-carpeted stairs. "Don't worry, Dad," said Fred gleefully, "we've got big plans for this money. We don't want it confiscated." Mr. Weasley looked for a moment as though he was going to ask what these big plans were, but seemed to decide, upon reflection, that he didn't want to know.



"Enjoying it?" said Ron darkly. "I don't reckon he'd come home if Dad didn't make him. He's obsessed. Just don't get him onto the subject of his boss. According to Mr. Crouch...as I was saying to Mr Crouch...Mr. Crouch is of the opinion...Mr. Crouch was telling me... They'll be announcing their engagement any day now."



Dudley had done the thing he was threatening to to do since age three: He had become wider than he was tall.



Ron was staring at Pettigrew with the utmost revulsion. "I let you sleep in my bed!" he said.



"Sure you can manage that broom, Potter?" said a cold, drawling voice. Draco Malfoy had arrived for a closer look, Crabbe and Goyle right behind him.
"Yeah, reckon so," said Harry casually.
"Got plenty of special features, hasn't it? said Malfoy, eyes glittering maliciously. "Shame it doesn't come with a parachute--in case you get too near a Dementor." Crabbe and Goyle sniggered.
"Pity you can't attach an extra arm to yours, Malfoy," said Harry. "Then it could catch the Snitch for you."



"Well...when we were in our first year, Harry--young, carefree, and innocent--" Harry snorted. He doubted whether Fred and George had ever been innocent.



"Bad news, Harry. I've just been to see Professor McGonagall about the Firebolt. She - er got a bit shirty with me. Told me I'd got my priorities wrong. Seemed to think I cared more about winning the Cup than I do about staying alive. Just because I told her I didn't care if it threw you off, as long as you caught the Snitch first."
- Oliver Wood



Everybody finished the song at different times. At last, only the Weasley twins were left singing along to a very slow funeral march.



"Welcome!" he said. "Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words, and here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!" "Thank you!"



"Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs," sighed George, patting the heading of the map. "We owe them so much." "Noble men, working tirelessly to help a new generation of lawbreakers." said Fred solemnly..."



"Longbottom, if brains were gold then you'd be poorer than Weasley, and that's saying something."
-Draco



"But we're not stupid -- we know we're called Gred and Forge."
-George Weasley



Trelawney: "The fates have informed me that your examination in June will concern the orb, and I am anxious to give you sufficient practice." Hermione: "Well honestly..."the fates have informed her"...who sets date of the exam? She does! What an amazing prediction!"



"Percy wouldn't recognize a joke if it danced naked in front of him wearing Dobby's tea cozy."
-Ron



"I don't know who Maxime thinks she's kidding. If Hagrid's a half-giant, she definitely is. Big bones...the only thing that's got bigger bones than her is a dinosaur."
-Harry



"Half an inch of skin and sinew holding my neck on, Harry! Most people would think that's good as beheaded, but oh, no, it's not enough for Sir Properly Decapitated-Podmore."
-Nearly Headless Nick



"Azkaban -- the wizard prison, Goyle," said Malfoy, looking at him in disbelief. "Honestly, if you were any slower, you'd be going backward." -Draco



Moaning Myrtle: "Peeves upset me so much that I came in here and tried to kill myself. Then, of course, I remembered that I'm -- that I'm--"
"Already dead?"



Lee Jordan was finding it difficult not to take sides.
"So--after that obvious and disgusting bit of cheating--"
"Jordan!" growled Professor McGonagall.
"I mean, after that open and revolting foul--"
"Jordan, I'm warning you--"
"All right, all right. Flint nearly kills the Gryffindor Seeker, which could happen to anyone, I'm sure..."



"Professor Kettleburn, our Care of Magical Creatures teacher, retired at the end of last year in order to enjoy more time with his remaining limbs." -Dumbledore



"Twitchy little ferret, aren't you Malfoy?" -Hermione

Hermione: "Harry, I've been thinking -- you know what we've got to do, don't you? Straight away, the moment we get back to the castle?"
Harry: "Yeah, give Ron a good kick up the--" Hermione: "Write to Sirius."



A week after Fred and George's departure, Harry witnessed Professor McGonagall walking right past Peeves, who was determinedly loosening a crystal chandelier, and could have sworn he heard her tell the poltergeist out of the corner of her mouth, "It unscrews the other way."



"How long have you been 'Big D' then?" said Harry.
"Shut it," snarled Dudley, turning away again.
"Cool name," said Harry, grinning, "But you'll always be Ickle Diddykins to me."
"Shut your face."
"You don't tell her to shut her face. What about 'popkin' and 'Dinky Diddydums,' can I use them then?"



"You don't want to bottle your anger up like that, Harry, let it all out," said Fred, beaming. "There might be a couple people 50 miles away who didn't hear you."



"Who's Kreacher?"
"The house-elf who lives here," said Ron. "Nutter. Never met one like him."
"He is not a nutter," said Hermione.
"His life's ambition is to have his head cut off and stuck up on a plaque like his mother," said Ron. "Is that normal, Hermione?"



"Ah," said Fudge, who looked thoroughly disconcerted. "Dumbledore. Yes. You -- er -- got our -- er -- message that the time and -- er -- place of the hearing had been changed then?"
"I must have missed it," said Dumbledore cheerfully. "However, due to a lucky mistake I arrived at the Ministry three hours early, so no harm done."
"Yes -- well -- I suppose we'll need another chair -- I -- Weasley, could you --?"
"Not to worry, not to worry," said Dumbledore pleasantly; he took out his wand, gave it a little flick, and a squishy chintz armchair appeared out of nowhere next to Harry. Dumbledore sat down, put the tips of his long fingers together and surveyed Fudge over them with an expression of polite interest.



"To our newcomers," said Dumbledore in a ringing voice, stretching his hands wide and a beaming smile on his lips, "welcome! To our old hands -- welcome back! There is a time for speech making, and this is not it. Tuck in!"



"The hats have gone," Hermione said happily. "Seems the house-elves do want freedom after all." "I wouldn't be on it," Ron told her cuttingly. "They might not count as clothes. They didn't look anything like hats to me, more like woolly bladders."



"Harry, don't go picking a row with Malfoy, don't forget, he's a prefect now, he could make life difficult for you..."
"Wow, I wonder what it'd be like to have a difficult life?" said Harry sarcastically.



"Are you trying to weasel out of showing us any of this stuff?" said Zacharias Smith.
"Here's an idea," said Ron loudly, "why don't you shut your mouth?"
"Well, we've all turned up to learn from him, and now he's telling us he can't really do any of it," he said.
"That's not what he said," said Fred Weasley.
"Would you like us to clean out your ears for you?" inquired George, pulling a long and lethal-looking metal instrument from inside one of the Zonko's bags.
"Or any part of your body, really, we're not fussy where we stick this," said Fred.



"--but you get these massive pus-filled boils too," said George, "and we haven't worked out how to get rid of them yet."
"I can't see any boils," said Ron, staring at the twins.
"No, well, you wouldn't," said Fred, "they're not in a place we generally display to the public --"
"-- but they make sitting on a broom a right pain in the --"



"Mistletoe," said Luna dreamily, pointing at a large clumb of white berries placed over Harry's head. He jumped out from under it. "Good thinking," said Luna seriously. "It's often infested with nargles."



"Well?" said Ron finally, looking up at Harry. "How was it?"
Harry considered for a moment. "Wet," he said truthfully. Ron made a noice that might have indicated jubilation or disgust, it was hard to tell.
"Because she was crying," Harry continued heavily.
"Oh," said Ron, his smile fading slightly. "Are you that bad at kissing?"
"Dunno," said Harry, who hadn't considered this, and immediately felt rather worried. "Maybe I am."



A slightly stunned silence greeted the end of this speech, then Ron said, "One person can't feel all that at once, they'd explode."
"Just because you've got the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean we all have," said Hermione.



"I'll look for him later, I expect I'll find him upstairs crying his eyes out over my mother's old bloomers or something...Of course, he might have crawled up into the airing cupboard and died...But I mustn't get my hopes up..." -Sirius



"Yeah, Montague tried to do us during break," said George.
"What do you mean, 'tried'?" said Ron quickly.
"He never managed to get all the words out," said Fred, "due to the fact that we forced him headfirst into that Vanishing Cabinet on the first floor."
Hermione looked very shocked. "But you'll get into terrible trouble!"
"Not until Montague reappears, and that could take weeks, I dunno where we sent him," said Fred coolly. "Anyway, we've decided that we don't care about getting into trouble anymore."
"Have you ever?" asked Hermione.
"'Course we have," said George. "Never been expelled, have we?"
"We might have put a toe across occaisonally," said George.
"But we've always stopped short of causing real mayhem," said Fred.
"But now?" said Ron tentatively.
"-- what with Dumbledore gone -- " said Fred.
"-- we reckon a bit of mayhem -- " said George.
"-- is exactly what our dear new Head deserves," said Fred.



"Cheers," whispered George, wiping tears of laughter from his face. "Oh, I hope she tries Vanishing them next...they multiply by ten every time you try..." The fireworks continued to burn and spread all over the school that afternoon. Though they caused plenty of disruption, the other teachers did not seem to mind them very much.
"Dear, dear," said Professor McGonagall sardonically, as one of the dragons soared around her classroom, emitting loud bangs and exhalting flame. "Miss Brown, would you mind running along to the headmistress and informing her that we have an escaped firework in our classroom?"



"Thank you so much, Professor!" said Professor Flitwick in his squeaky little voice. "I could have got rid of the sparklers myself, of course, but I wasn't sure whether I had the authority..."
Beaming, he closed the classroom door in Umbridge's snarling face.



"How'd the exam go, Snivelly?" said James.
"I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment," said Sirius viciously. "There'll be great grease marks all over it, they won't be able to read a word."



By the time Ernie MacMillan, Hannah Abbott, Susan Bones, Justin Finch-Fletchley, Anthony Goldstein, and Terry Boot had finished using a wide variety of the hexes and jinxes Harry had taught them, Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle resembled nothing so much as three gigantic slugs squeezed into Hogwarts uniforms as Harry, Ernie and Justin hoisted them into the luggage rack and left them there to ooze.
"I must say, I'm looking forward to seeing Malfoy's mother's face when he gets off the train," said Ernie with satisfaction.
"Goyle's mum'll be really pleased, though," said Ron. "He's loads better looking now."



"And do I look like the kind of man that can be intimidated?" barked Uncle Vernon.
"Well..." said Moody, pushing back his bowler hat to reveal his sinisterly revolving eye. Uncle Vernon lept backward in horror and collided painfully with a luggage trolley. "Yes, I'd have to say you do, Dursley."



Hermione drew herself to her full height; her eyes were narrowed and her hair seemed to crackle with electricity."No," she said, her voice quivering with anger, "but I will write to your mother."
"You wouldn't," said George, horrified, taking a step back from her.
"Oh, yes, I would," said Hermione grimly. "I can't stop you from eating the stupid things yourself, but you're not giving them to first years."
Fred and George looked thunderstruck. It was clear that as far as they were concerned, Hermione's threat was way below the belt.



"Has Ron saved a goal yet?" asked Hermione.
"Well, he can do it if he thinks no one is watching him," said Fred, rolling his eyes. "So all we have to do is ask the crowd to turn their backs and talk among themselves every time the Quaffle goes up on his end Saturday."



"Arthur, is that you?" "Yes," came Mr. Weasley's weary voice. "But I would say that even if I were a Death Eater, dear. Ask the question!" "Oh, honestly..." "Molly!" "All right, all right... What is your dearest ambition?" "To find out how airplanes stay up." Mrs. Weasley nodded and turned the doorknob, but apparently Mr. Weasley was holding tight to it on the other side, because the door remained firmly shut. "Molly! I've got to ask you your question first!" "Arthur, really, this is just silly..." "What do you like me to call you when we're alone together?" Even by the dim light of the lantern Harry could tell that Mrs. Weasley had turned bright red; he himself felt suddenly warm around the ears and neck, and hastily gulped soup, clattering his spoon as loudly as he could against the bowl. "Mollywobbles," whispered a mortified Mrs. Weasley into the crack at the edge of the door.



"I know I messed up Ancient Runes," muttered Hermione feverishly. "I definitely made at least one serious mistranslation. And the Defense Against the Dark Arts practical was no good at all. I thought Transfiguration went all right at the time, but looking back -" "Hermione, will you shut up? You're not the only one who's nervous!" barked Ron. "And when you've got your eleven 'Outstanding O.W.L.s...'" "Don't, don't, don't!" said Hermione, flapping her hands hysterically. "I know I've failed everything!"



"'Harry Potter knows that he can confide in me with complete confidence,' I told them. 'I would rather die than betray his trust.'" "That's not saying much, seeing as you're already dead," Ron observed. "Once again, you show all the sensitivity of a blunt axe," said Nearly Headless Nick in affronted tones.



"Do you remember me telling you we are practicing nonverbal spells, Potter?" "Yes," said Harry stiffly. "Yes, sir." "There's no need to call me 'sir,' Professor."



"If you tell them," said Ron, shoving the necklace out of sight under his pillow, "I - I - I'll -" "Stutter at me?" said Harry, grinning. "Come on, would I?" "How could she think I'd like something like that, though?" Ron demanded of thin air, looking rather shocked. "Well, think back," said Harry. "Have you ever let it slip that you'd like to go out in public with the words 'My Sweetheart' round your neck?"



"You'd think people had better things to gossip about," said Ginny as she sat on the common room floor, leaning against Harry's legs and reading the Daily Prophet. "Three Dementor attacks in a week, and all Romilda Vane does is ask me if it's true you've got a Hippogriff tattooed across your chest." Ron and Hermione both roared with laughter. Harry ignored them. "What did you tell her?" "I told her it's a Hungarian Horntail," said Ginny, turning a page of the newspaper idly. "Much more macho." "Thanks," said Harry, grinning. 'And what did you tell her Ron's got?" "A Pygmy Puff, but I didn't say where."



"And that's Smith of Hufflepuff with the Quaffle," said a dreamy voice, echoing over the grounds. "He did the commentary last time, of course, and Ginny Weasley flew into him, I think probably on purpose, it looked like it. Smith was being quite rude about Gryffindor, I expect he regrets that now he's playing them - oh, look, he's lost the Quaffle. Ginny took it from him. I do like her, she's very nice..."



"But I thought he liked me," [Myrtle] said plaintively. "Maybe if you two left, he'd come back again. We had lots in common. I'm sure he felt it." And she looked hopefully toward the door. "When you say you had lots in common," said Ron, sounding rather amused now, "d'you mean he lives in an S-bend too?"



"I don't want to stay here overnight," said Harry angrily, sitting up and throwing back his covers. "I want to find McClaggen and kill him." "I'm afraid that would come under the heading of 'overexertion,'" said Madam Pomfrey.



"Did you hear, there's supposed to be a vampire coming?" "Rufus Scrimgeour?" asked Luna. "I - what?" said Harry, disconcerted. "You mean the Minister of Magic?" "Yes, he's a vampire," said Luna matter-of-factly. "Father wrote a very long article about it when Scrimgeour first took over from Cornelius Fudge, but he was forced not to publish by somebody from the Ministry. Obviously, they didn't want the truth to get out!"



"Yeah, like you'd dare do magic out of school," sneered Malfoy. "Who blacked your eye, Granger? I want to send them flowers."



"There's a boy been in here crying?" asked Harry curiously. "A young boy?" "Never you mind," said Myrtle, her small, leaky eyes fixed on Ron, who was now definitely grinning. "I promised I wouldn't tell anyone, and I take his secret to the-" "-not to the grave, surely?" snorted Ron. "The sewers maybe..."



[talking about Inferi in DADA...] "When we come face-to-face with one down a dark alley, we're going to be having a look to see if it's solid, aren't we? We're not going to be asking, 'Excuse me, are you the imprint of a departed soul?'"



"And then I called out, 'Who's there?'" "You couldn't have found out who it was without asking?" Harry asked her, slightly frustrated. "The Inner Eye," said Professor Trelawney with dignity, straightening her shawls and many strands of glittering beads, "was fixed upon matters well outside the mundane realms of whooping voices." "Right," said Harry hastily; he had heard about Professor Trelawney's Inner Eye all too often before. "And did the voice say who was there?" "No, it did not," she said. "Everything went pitch black and the next thing I knew, I was being hurled headfirst out of the Room!" "And you didn't see that coming?" said Harry, unable to help himself. "No, I did not, as I say, it was pitch -" She stopped and glared at him suspiciously.



"Oh, I'm so sorry," said Dumbledore politely, and he raised his wand again. All three glasses vanished. "But it would have been better manners to drink it, you know."



Fred, George, Harry, and Ron were the only ones who knew that the angel on top of the tree was actually a garden gnome that had bitten Fred on the ankle as he pulled up carrots for Christmas dinner. Stupefied, painted gold, stuffed into a miniature tutu and with small wings glued to its back, it glowered down at them all, the ugliest angel Harry had ever seen, with a large bald head like a potato and rather hairy feet.



"And the steam rising in characteristic spirals," said Hermione enthusiastically, "and it's supposed to smell differently to each of according to what attracts us, and I can smell freshly mown grass and new parchment and -" But she turned slightly pink and did not complete the sentence.



"I enjoyed the [DA] meetings, too," said Luna serenely. "It was like having friends."



"I don't think you should be an Auror, Harry," said Luna unexpectedly. Everybody looked at her. "The Aurors are part of the Rotfang Conspiracy, I thought everyone knew that. They're planning to bring down the Ministry of Magic from within using a combination of Dark Magic and gum disease."



Non-verbal spells were now expected, not only in Defence Against the Dark Arts, but in Charms and Transfiguration too. Harry frequently looked over at his classmates in the common room or at mealtimes to see them purple in the face and straining as though they had overdosed U-No-Poo.



"But you are normal!" said Harry fiercely. "You've just got a-a problem-" Lupin burst out laughing. "Sometimes you remind me alot of James. He called it my 'furry little problem' in company. Many people were under the impression that I owned a badly behaved rabbit."



"Harry Potter!" bellowed Hagrid, slopping some of his fourteenth bucket of wine down his chin as he drained it. "Yes, indeed," cried Slughorn a little thickly. "Parry Otter, the Chosen Boy Who - well - something of that sort," he mumbled, and drained his mug too.



"That's already Harry's, idiot," said Bill (to Ron). "I got it out of your vault for you, Harry, because it's taking about five hours for the public to get their gold at the moment, the goblins have tightened security so much. Two days ago Arkie Philpott had a Probity Probe stuck up his... Well, trust me, this ways easier."



"Er-well-ghosts are transparent-" he said. "Oh, very good," interrupted Snape, his lip curling. "Yes, it is easy to see that nearly six years of magical education have not been wasted on you, Potter. Ghosts are transparent."



"...You have not asked me, for instance, what is my favorite flavor of jam, to check that I am indeed Professor Dumbledore and not an impostor." "I didn't..." Harry began, not entirely sure whether he was being reprimanded or not. "For future reference, Harry, it is raspberry... although of course, if I were a Death Eater, I would have been sure to research my own jam preferences before impersonating myself."



"It looks like he's eating her face, doesn't it?" said Ginny dispassionately. "But I suppose he's got to refine his technique somehow."



Pointing his wand at nothing in particular, he gave it an upward flick and said Levicorpus! inside his head. "Aaaaaaaargh!" There was a flash of light and the room was full of voices: Everyone had woken up as Ron had let out a yell. Harry sent Advanced Potion-Making flying in panic; Ron was dangling upside down in midair as though an invisible hook had hoisted him up by the ankle. "Sorry!" yelled Harry, as Dean and Seamus roared with laughter, and Neville picked himself up from the floor, having fallen out of bed. "Hang on- I'll let you down-" He groped for the potion book and riffled throught it in a panic, trying to find the right page; at last he located it and deciphered one cramped word underneath the spell: Praying that this was the counter-jinx, Harry thought Liberacorpus! with all his might. There was another flash of light, and Ron fell in a heap onto his mattress. "Sorry," repeated Harry weakly, while Dean and Seamus continued to roar with laughter. "Tomorrow," said Ron in a muffled voice, "I'd rather you set the alarm clock."



"An Unbreakable Vow?" said Ron, looking stunned. "Nah, he can�t have.... Are you sure?" "Yes I�m sure," said Harry. "Why, what does it mean?" "Well, you can�t break an Unbreakable Vow..." "I�d worked that much out for myself, funnily enough."



"I thought you lived in that girls' bathroom?" said Harry, who had been careful to give the place a wide berth for some years now. "I do," [Myrtle] said, with a sulky little shrug, "but that doesn't mean I can't visit other places. I came and saw you in your bath once, remember?" "Vividly," said Harry.



"Oh, there you are, Albus," he [Slughorn] said. "You've been a very long time. Upset stomach?" "No, I was merely reading the Muggle magazines," said Dumbledore. "I do love knitting patterns."



"Very well then," said Dumbledore, pushing open the broom-shed door and stepping out into the yard. "I see a light in the kitchen. Let us not deprive Molly any longer of the chance to deplore how thin you are."



"This is your copy of Advanced Potion-Making, is it, Potter?" "Yes," said Harry, still breathing hard. "You're quite sure of that, are you, Potter?" "Yes," said Harry, with a touch of more defiance. "This is the the copy of Advanced Potion-Making that you purchased from Flourish and Blotts?" "Yes," said Harry firmly. "Then why," asked Snape, "does it have the name 'Roonil Wazlib' written inside the front cover?"



"When we were in Diagon Alley," Harry began, but Mr. Weasley forstalled him with a grimace. "Am I about to discover where you, Ron, and Hermione disappeared to while you were supposed to be in the back room of Fred and George's shop?" "How did you...?" "Harry, please. You're talking to the man who raised Fred and George."



He [Slughorn] seemed remarkably unabashed for a man who had just been discovered pretending to be an armchair.







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