Exotics – Hard and Easy 

Expertise is a narcotic. As knowledge grows, it throws off pleasure to its possessor, much like an interest bearing account throws off money. A pathologist who can instantly spot the difference between normal and abnormal X-rays grows incapable of believing that there are those of us who can't. I find it hard to believe there are Americans who can't even tell the difference between printed pages of Spanish and French or of Polish, Danish, or anything else written in the Roman alphabet. Too bad. If you can't distinguish the easier languages from the harder ones, you miss the higher joys of confronting your first samples of written Finnish.

Finland has been called the only beautiful country in the world where the language is the major tourist attraction. It's utterly unfamiliar to you no matter where you come from, unless you happen to come from Estonia, in which case Finnish is only half unfamiliar to you. There's always a general knowledge heavyweight around who says, "Wait a minute. Finnish is related to Hungarian too!"

Oh, yeah! True, Finnish, Hungarian and Estonian are indeed all members of the Finno-Ugric language family, but try to find more than six words even remotely similar in each. As you learn more and more about foreign languages, you're able to laugh at more and more jokes about languages. No Las Vegas comic will even knock socks off, or even loosen them, by standing up and saying, "You know, Finnish and Hungarian are cousin languages, but Finnish took all the vowels!" Look at the two languages side by side, however, and you'll grudgingly accord at least minor wit status to whoever thought that one up.

You may have experienced the difficulties of tackling Latin and Russian with their half dozen or so noun cases. Finnish has fifteen noun cases in the singular and sixteen in the plural! Every word in the entire language is accented on the first syllable, which gives Finnish something of the sounds of a pneumatic jackhammer breaking up a sidewalk.

I covered the Olympic Games in Helsinki but wisely decided not to try to learn
Finnish. It was the wisdom of the young boxer who's eager to get in there with the champ and trade punches, but who nonetheless summons up the cool to decline and wait until he's more prepared. I found a much softer opponent on the ship back to the United States.

A summer tradition that vanished after the 1950's with far too little poetic lamentation was the "student ship to Europe." They were almost always Dutch ships offering unbelievably low fares, hearty food, cramped but clean accommodations, cheap beer, and always a bearded guitar player who drew the crowd back to the ship's fantail after dinner and led the kids of ten or twelve nations in throaty renditions of "I've Been Working on the Railroad." The singing, the flirting, the joy of heading over or heading home, and especially the learning of all the other countries' "Railroads" in all the other languages made the summer student ship a delight unimaginable to today's jet lagged young Dutch airmen about my age. They were all headed for the United States to take their jet fighter training at various American air bases, and we became old friends at once. There seemed to be dozens (I later realised hundreds) of Indonesian servants on board. After four hundred years of Dutch rule, Indonesia had won its independence from Holland only four years earlier. The thousands of Indonesians who chose to remain loyal to Holland had to go to Holland, and that meant that virtually the entire Dutch service class was Indonesian.

I was sitting on the deck talking to one of the Dutch pilots, Hans van Haastert. He called one of the Indonesians over and said something to him in fluent Indonesian. My romance with Dutch would begin (in a very unusual way) a few years later, but my romance with Indonesian was born in the lightning and thunder of Hans ordering a beer from that deck chair.

If I had never been drawn to foreign languages earlier, that moment alone would have done it. To me at that time, it was the white suited bwana speaking something pure "jungle" to one of his water carriers in any one of a hundred and eighteen safari movies I'd seen. It was Humphrey Bogart melting a glamourous woman's kneecaps with a burst of bush talk she had no idea he even knew.

"Where did you learn that? " I asked. It turned out that Hans, like many of his Dutch confreres, had been born in Java of mixed parents. His Indonesian was just as good as his Dutch. "Will you teach me some?" I asked.

For the next eight days, until we were interrupted by the New York City skyline, Hans patiently taught me the Indonesian language. When we parted, I was able to converse with the Indonesian crewmen, just as Hans had that first day on deck. Lest this come across as a boast, let me hasten to point out that Indonesian is the easiest language in the world – no hedging, no "almost", no "among the easiest". In my experience, Indonesian is the easiest. The grammar is minimal, regular, and simple. Once I began to learn it, Indonesian didn't seem "jungle" anymore. The Indonesians obligingly use the Roman alphabet, and they get along with fewer letters of it than we do. And their tongue has an instant charm. The Indonesian word for "sun", mata hari (the famous female spy was known as the "sun" of Asia) literally means "eye of the day". When they make a singular noun plural in Indonesia, they merely say it twice. "Man," for example, is orang. "Men" is orang orang. And when they write it, they just write one orang and put a 2 after it, like an exponent in algebra (Orang 2). Orang hutan, the ape name pronounced by many Americans as if it were "orang-u-tang," is an Indonesian term meaning "man of the forest."