| Ugh! I hate flying. Not just because it was a bond for the hatred of it that brought me into that mess but for the fact that I have to do it all the time now. I became a flight attendant not too long after that whole fiasco. Yeah, I know I said I hate flying but it keeps me from having to have any sort of real relationship at this point in time. I can't do that when I'm gone for stretches of seven days or more. Perhaps I am still avoiding intimacy because of what he did. It's been two years now but my counselor told me that we all deal with the process differently and there is no time limit on how long it takes to heal. She said I will never completely let go of it but I will get back to that place in my life where I can trust a man. I hope she's right because I remember walking out on one that was willing to give me distance and time. It would have never worked though. At least that's what I keep telling myself. I ran into him the other day. Literally. I was looking for some new pillows to go on the bed in my new bedroom set. You know how you kinda scan the items aimlessly, thinking you're alone in the aisle and then you accidentally bump into that one single person that thought they were alone in that particular part of the store as well? Well that's exactly what happened. It was a rather awkward moment to say the least. I don't know how I got through it. Maybe it was all those manners my Mother taught me when I was growing up. Who knows? We had a polite conversation for a few minutes and then this woman with her rounded belly comes around the corner searching for him. He introduced me to his wife. His wife! I could have been his wife if Nick hadn't literally sucked all my will to fight out at that time. I keep blaming Nick for all my weaknesses but he played a huge part in taking what I once was and turning me into the cowering mess that I became within his presence. I was never Howie's girlfriend long enough for anybody to know we were actually a couple but it's his song about his love for me that put them back on the charts. The words of that chorus run through my mind constantly. Knowing you're the inspiration behind something like this: |
| A vision of beauty A vision so bright Here in this world where you belong to me Stay with me forever And I will always be that love you need to see Don't leave me in the real world where I'm never meant to be Well it's something you never quite get used to. And I get recognized occasionally. As Nick's ex. The diehard fans know who I am. They're the ones that ask me why? How could I break his tender little heart? If they only knew. Sometimes it's all I can do to get through a conversation with one of them without choking on my own words about how it was the age difference that seperated us. I pass the newsstands and on occasion I'll see Nick's face on the cover of a magazine or I'll pick up a tabloid because something just strikes me as funny. I'll skim through the pages to find my story and I'll come upon the who's being seen or what's happening in Hollywood section and see him there as well. I see the girls at his side and notice the apparel. Long sleeved shirts, slacks, blue jeans. Anything to cover it up until the bruises go away. Then there was the way they almost walked in his shadow; not by his side. I knew the signs because I had been victim to them. Did I ever bring anything against him? No. Why? Because there wouldn't have been a point to it. Their legal assitance would have had me for lunch and dinner before I knew what hit me. He did offer me a generous amount of money to keep quiet. Like I was gonna tell anybody anyway. I was tired of fighting him and taking his hush money would have only reminded me everyday that he somehow still owned me in his own demented way. I'm just glad I got out when I did. As for Brian, I still talk to him and I visit when I'm that way. Baylee's walking and babbling incoherently and they've got another one on the way. They are the epidomy of what I want to have in my life. Maybe I will one day. I guess if I've learned anything from this chapter in my life is that when you roll the dice, sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. I may have lost Howie but in doing so, I won me. |
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