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| And The Award Goes To... | ||||||||||
| In this time of impending war and terrorist attacks, it is great to know that we, as Americans, can still sit back with some beer and pretzels and watch some good old awards shows.� Now the Grammys and Oscars are cool and all, but let's face it, those awards are quite lame.� What I'd like to see are some real awards given out, awards that are actually deserved by those celebrities who win them.� Of course this will never happen because the world is much too politically correct, but if it did, I think it would go a little something like this... | ||||||||||
| In ceremonies held earlier today, the "NAMBLA Father Of The Year Award" went to Michael Jackson.� Yes, the so-called "King Of Pop" has been given the highest honors by the North American Man/Boy Love Association, the club for aspiring (and practicing) pedophiles.� Jackson, before accepting this most prestigious award, was recently in the public eye due to his many bizarre television specials, during which he nonchalantly said that he sleeps with 13-year-old boys and that his favorite things in the world are "climbing trees" and "water balloons." On hand to accept the award was Michael Jackson and his newest child, Prince Michael II (nicknamed "Blanket"), who Michael wrapped in a shawl, dangled over the stage, and punted thirty feet into the air.� After the ceremony Michael was asked about the baby-kicking incident, to which Michael responded quite casually: "Everybody knows I love my children and would never do anything to hurt them." | ||||||||||
| Next up, the "Most Likely To Urinate and/or Defecate On An Underage Child In A Homemade Video Award" went to R. Kelly.� Kelly was charged in June of 2002 with 21 counts of child pornography, but even despite this, his wacky fans continue to buy his newest album, "Chocolate Factory."� Apparently the first single, "Bump N' Grind With A Girl Who's 9," was pulled from the finished LP and replaced with the tamer "Ignition," which is currently number 3 on the Billboard R&B/Hip-Hop Singles chart. | ||||||||||
| After a short musical number, the Academy was proud to present Whitney Houston with the "Coke Fiend Of The Year Award."� Houston, recently interviewed by Diane Sawyer on ABC's PrimeTime, admitted that she not only used a variety of less-than-legal drugs but was also a sex-addict!� After accepting the award, viewers were left wondering what the white powder lining Houston's left nostril was, but their suspicions were quickly abated when Houston told reporters that it was "just a little baby powder that went astray."� After walking off camera, however, Houston began sniffling uncontrollably and suffered from a minor nosebleed. | ||||||||||
| On a similar note, the "Dude, You're Getting Arrested Award" went to Benjamin Curtis, the Dell Computer Guy, who was recently arrested for purchasing a small amount of marijuana while wearing what a February 11, 2003, New York Post article reported as a "blue-and-red kilt, tuxedo jacket, beige kneesocks and white sneakers." | ||||||||||
| The final award of the evening was the "Saks Fifth Avenue Kleptomaniac Of The Year Award," which went to none other than Winona Ryder.� After stealing nearly $6,000 in merchandise from the Beverly Hills department store last year, Ryder was sentenced to three years of probation and a whopping 480 hours of community service.� Winona accepted the award wearing a beautiful full-length diamond-studded gown, the price and security tags still dangling from it.� After the ceremony, various audience members who were seated next to and in the general vicinity of Ryder complained that their wallets were missing. | ||||||||||
| Copyright Gerry Wachovsky, 2003, and Yahoo! Inc. All rights reserved. | ||||||||||
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