The MST of Final Fantasy Tactics:� Part 1

by Fenrir

Slowly Karade, Yosho, Gohan, and Kiyone entered the theater and took their seats.� Fenrir had told them that he would have something big for them and they were all curious as to what it would be.

Fenrir: *Walks up onto the stage.*� I promised you all that I had a large project for you to begin work on today.� Well I�m here to announce that the next thing you are going to MST is none other than Final Fantasy Tactics!

All: The entire game?!

Fenrir: Yes, It�s going to take a while to do all of it of course.� In total it�s more than 90 pages long.� Hey it�s something for us to do this summer.

Karade: I�ve heard of this game though, didn�t it get a really horrible translation?

Fenrir: Yes, it wouldn�t be fun otherwise now would it?

Yosho:� Plot More Complex Than Xenogears + Bad Translation = Major Confusion!

Fenrir: I would also like to give big credit to �Jennifer DeHart� for writing out the script of the game.� I could have played through it again and got the script, but her doing it saves me a lot of time.� I found it on her website, which I seem to have lost the address to.� Well let�s begin.

�� >> =======================================================

Gohan: It�s a line!

Karade: Two lines even!

>>NOTE:� This is the full script from Square's masterpiece, Final Fantasy Tactics.� The only section missing is that from the Deep Dungeon quest, which, I admit, is a bit too complicated for me to complete.� <G>

Yosho: Ahh, so we don�t get to hear about the thirteenth Zodiac sign?� What a shame.

>>All text here is property of Squaresoft, �1997/1998, copied by myself, Jennifer DeHart, AKA [email protected] (yes, we AOL gamers aren't all completely incompetent when it comes to gaming <G>).

�� =======================================================

Kiyone: *Suspiciously* An AOL person who isn�t a complete idiot?� This really is amazing.

�� >>T h e�� Z o d i a c�� B r a v e�� S t o r y

Karade: Well you see there were these Zodiacs and they were real brave and they had a story and . . .

�� >>A warrior takes sword in hand, clasping a gem to his heart.

Gohan: Then shouldn�t he be dead?� I mean if he�s clasping the gem to his heart.

Kiyone: I�m guessing they mean that metaphorically.� You know he�s clutching it to his chest.

�� >>Engraving vanishing memories into the sword

Yosho: If your writing down memories, wouldn�t paper be easier than a sword?

�� >>He places finely honed skills into the stone

Karade: So it�s like materia?

�� >>Spoken from the sword, handed down from the stone.

Yosho: A talking sword?� Like the Black Sword form the Silmarillion?

�� >>Now the story can be told.

�� >>-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yosho: *As Croc Hunter* Blimey!� Aren�t we lucky?� First we get to see the elusive double line, and now we get to see the dashed line!� Cricky!� It�s just unbelievable our luck!

�� >>I am Alazlam, a scholar of ancient Ivalice history...

Kiyone: Listen, you don�t have to make it dramatic by adding ellipses.

�� >>Have you ever heard of the "Lion War"?

Yosho: No . . .� I have heard of the War of the Roses which this is heavily influence by though.

�� >>It divided Ivalice in two over who would be the successor to the throne.

Karade: Damn!� I mean I know people can get a little upset when they have to wait to use the bathroom, but a war over it?

Kiyone: Somehow I think they mean who get�s to be King or Queen.

�� >>It ended with the appearance of a young hero named Delita.

�� Everybody living here knows this hero's tale...

Yosho: Really?� Every last person knows this Delita�s story?

�� >>But we also know that what we see with our eyes alone...

�� isn't necessarily the truth.

Karade: *Snicker* Yup, but if you get a good feel you can usually tell it their fake.

�� >>Here's a young man.

Gohan: There�s a young man, everywhere a young man!

�� >>He is the youngest son of the noble Beoulve...pillars of knighthood.

Yosho: And just how the hell is �Beoulve� pronounced?

Karade: Maybe it�s French?

Kiyone: Well from now on it�s going to be �un-pronounceable last name�

�� >>There's no record of his playing an active part in history, but...

Yosho: He did, so there, the end.

Kiyone: Not even remotely close.

�� >>According to the "Duray Report" released

Yosho: Wow, �Duray� sounds like a really fun guy. . .

�� >>last year (concealed for many years by the church),

Karade: Yeah, they had the report then someone went and dropped a church on top of it.

�� >>this unknown man is the true hero...

�� The church claims he was a blasphemer and anarchist -- the root of all evil...

Kiyone: Wait, didn�t it say there was no record of his playing a role in history?� If there was a report isn�t that a record?

�� >>But is this the "truth"?

Gohan: The truth is out there.� Somewhere.� Somewhere over the rainbow. . . *Gohan is attacked by the others.*

�� Won't you join me on a journey for the "truth"?

All: We most certainly would not!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yosho: Here once again we see the magnificent dashed line.� Ain�t she a lovely little critter?

�� >>Orbonne Monastery

�� [Priest, Knight, Princess]

Karade: Fireman, Chef, Postal Employee

�� >>"God, please help us sinful children of Ivalice."

�� [Princess prays silently]

Kiyone: But didn�t she just speak out loud?

�� >>FEMALE KNIGHT:� Princess Ovelia, let's go.

Karade: *As Agrias* PARTY!

Gohan: How do you know her name�s Agrias?

Kiyone: He read down a few lines.

�� >>PRINCESS OVELIA:� Just a moment, Agrias...

�� AGRIAS:� The guards have already arrived.

Kiyone: *As Ovelia*� Damn it Agrias!� Can�t you see I�m trying to pray over here?!

�� >>PRIEST:� Princess, don't give Agrias trouble.� Please hurry...

Kiyone: *As Ovelia again* Off with his head!

�� >>[enter three knights]

Yosho: And lo, the darkness covered the Earth for three days and three nights.

Kiyone: That�s �knights� not �nights.�

�� BLACK KNIGHT:� What's going on?� It's been nearly an hour!

�� AGRIAS:� Don't be rude to the Princess, Gafgarion.

Karade: So it�s okay for her to boss the princess around, but when Gafgarion tries that�s not okay?

Yosho: And what kind of name is �Gafgarion� anyway?

�� >>[men kneel]

Karade: Good thing this isn�t a lemon.

>>GAFGARION:� Is this going to be alright, Agrias?� This is an urgent issue for us.

All: Huh?� Story no make sense.

�� >>AGRIAS:� So there are rude knaves even among the Hokuten?

Karade: *Mock Offended* Hokuten you too lady!

>>GAFGARION:� I'm being more than kind to the guard captains here.� Besides, we're mercenaries hired by the Hokuten.� I'm not obliged to show respect for you.

Yosho: Well that might be true, but I�m guessing you are obliged to show respect to the princess.

�� >>AGRIAS:� What?� How dare you!

Kiyone: *As person from Ren and Stimpy*� How!� Daaaaare!� You!

�� >>OVELIA:� Enough.� Let's go.

�� [Ovelia turns to the priest]

Yosho: *As Ovelia* Yo G, peace out bro!

�� >>PRIEST:� Go with God.

�� OVELIA:� You too, Simon.

Gohan: I�m surprised we�ve been able to get this far with out a Catholic priest joke.

Kiyone: Well Simon is like 95% of the Catholic priests in that he hasn�t done anything like the other five percent have.

Yosho: Don�t worry, when we get to the evil priests we�ll do enough of those jokes to keep you happy for a year.

�� >>[A noise resounds at the door.

Yosho: *As noise*� Echo . . .� Echo . . .

�� >>A knight barges in, wounded.� Simon rushes to her side.]

�� FEMALE KNIGHT:� Lady Agrias!...� The enemy!

�� SIMON:� Prince Goltana's men!?

Kiyone: No, Elmo.

�� >>[Agrias rushes outside]

GAFGARION:� What one must do to make money.� What, Ramza?� You have a problem, too?

Yosho: Did I miss something?� I don�t remember Ramza saying anything.

�� >>RAMZA:� ...I'm no longer a Knight.� Just a mercenary like you.

�� GAFGARION:� ...That's right.� Well then.� Let's go!

Karade: *As Gafgarion* I talk.� In two.� Word sentences!

�� >>[The three knights exit.]

�� OVELIA:� Oh God...

�� [fade out]

Yosho: Is that it?� Can we go now?

�� >>Outside of the Monastery

Yosho: Damn it!

�� >>-- battle

�� [Agrias, Goltana Knights, etc.]

Karade: *As Goltana Knights* We are here for the princess!

Yosho: *As Obi-Wan*� This is not the princess that you are looking for.

>>AGRIAS:� The crest of the Black Lion!?� What's wrong with Prince Goltana!?� He's such an idiot!� Does he want to start a war!?

Kiyone: You tell them Agrias!?!?!

>>GOLTANA KNIGHT:� Knave!� There's no point in resisting!� Just give us the Princess, or that beautiful face of yours will be scarred forever!

Kiyone: Ahh, isn�t that sweet.� Now cut him up Agrias!

�� >>[enter Gafgarion, Ramza, knight]

Yosho: The knights name is Rad.

Karade: Because he�s hardcore to the bone?

Yosho: Er. . . Something like that.

Kiyone: Except that Rad is a Squire not a Knight.

�� >>GAFGARION:� Fool!� Only idiots attack head on!

Gohan: What?!� But if you attack from the side or behind it�s not fair!

�� >>AGRIAS:� Leave this to us!

�� GAFGARION:� We can't make money that way!� Rad, Ramza!� Follow me!!

Karade: Everyone�s so excited in this story.

�� >>[battle ensues]

�� GAFGARION:� Kill them all!� Don't leave any survivors!

AGRIAS:� Nonsense!� There's no need to kill them!

Kiyone: You know as leader of the princess�s guards, Agrias sure doesn�t seem all that eager to fight people that are threatening Ovelia.

�� >>That's just what Goltana wants us to do!� Just let them go!

�� GAFGARION:� That's impossible!

Yosho: He�s right, there is no retreat option in this game.� All battles are to the death.

�� >>[sparring]

Karade: Oh I think it�s a lot more than that.

�� >>[Once the enemies are defeated...]

Karade: See.

�� >>PRINCESS OVELIA:� [from behind the monastery]� Let go of me!

Gohan: So is this where we get to do those jokes?

Kiyone: No, not yet.

�� >>AGRIAS:� Damn!!

�� [Behind the monastery...]

�� KNIGHT:� Come here!� Be quiet!!!

Karade: *As Knight* Can�t you see I�m trying to kidnap you?

�� >>OVELIA:� Why should I listen to you!?

�� KNIGHT:� What an annoying Princess.

Karade: Yeah, don�t you just hate it when the people you are trying to kidnap don�t want to go along?

>>[The knight slaps Ovelia, throws her over his shoulder, and onto the back of a Chocobo, which he mounts.

Karade: Well we all see the mounting joke, so I won�t bother.

�� >>Agrias rushes to the scene.]

�� AGRIAS:� Wait!!!

Yosho: *As Kefka* Wait she says?� Do I look like a waiter?

�� >>KNIGHT:� Tough...� Don't blame us.� Blame yourself or God.

�� [The knight rides off.]

�� AGRIAS:� Oh, God...

Kiyone: So I guess she is going with the second choice?

>>RAMZA:� [nearby]� ...Delita??� You're alive, Delita?� But, why are you in Goltana's troops?� Why...?

�� [fade out]

Kiyone: To many questions!

�� >>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yosho: And here we have yet another dashed line.

�� >>Delita's name appears for the first time a year before the Lion War broke out.

Gohan: It just dropped from the sky or something?

>>Many soldiers who returned from the war, had no jobs, little money, and even less loyalty to the crown.

Yosho: And you guys know what that means.

All: Rebellion!

�� >>Many became thieves and rebels plotting rebellion against the royal family.

�� At that time robbery and murder were comonplace in Ivalice.

Kiyone: I�m guessing they were �commonplace� even.

>>Many heroes and wizards came out of there.� And Gariland was no exception either.

Karade: Hi!� I�m Gari!� And this is my land!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yosho: Look!� It�s a-

Others: Stop doing that!

�� >>CHAPTER ONE:� THE MEAGER

Gohan: So how many chapters are there?

Kiyone: Four.

Gohan: Oh well that�s not so bad.

Kiyone: One of the chapters is fifty six pages long.

Gohan: 0_0

�� >>Military Academy's Auditorium

�� [miltary cadets]

Karade: You left out an �i� in military.

Kiyone: Quiet, were no supposed to insult this author.� If you copied down ninety pages of text chances are you would make a few typos as well.

�� >>[Chatter ensues.]

Yosho: Less chatter, more splatter!

�� >>CADET:� I heard another wagon bound for Igros was attacked

�� CADET II:� Must have been the Death Corps...

Kiyone: Gee, I wonder if a group called the �Death Corps� are evil?

�� >>RAMZA:� Something's starting...� Know anything, Delita?

�� DELITA:� No...but I can guess.

Karade: *As Delita* My guess is giant Muppets are going to run rampant.� What?� It could happen.

�� >>RAMZA:� What do you mean?

�� DELITA:� Prince Larg's coming to town.

�� RAMZA:� Prince Larg?� Why?

�� DELITA:� Not only Larg, but Marquis Elmdor of Limberry, too.

Yosho: Elmdor has silver hair so you all know what that means right?

Others: He�s evil yet cool?

Yosho: Right!

�� >>RAMZA:� That's news!� It's not an official visit, is it?

DELITA:� There are danger zones everywhere in Ivalice.� The Hokuten Knights are in full operation, but suffering from a shortage of men.

Kiyone: So I guess it�s not *starts singing* �raining men�?

Yosho: Hmm, well that�s really out of character for you Kiyone.

�� >>RAMZA:� So, they need us cadets.

�� [A voice calls from behind.]

Karade: *As Delita* Damn Ramza, lay off the beans would you?

�� >>VOICE:� Everyone, fall in!

Yosho: *As Milon* Fall flat into ravine!

�� [The knight makes his way to the Stage.]

HOKUTEN KNIGHT:� You have a mission!� As you know, barbarians are rapidly increasing here in Gallionne.

All: Huh?

Yosho: Barbarians are increasing what?� In numbers?

�� >>The traitorous Death Corps detest the royal family.� We cannot overlook them.

Karade: *As Hokuten Knight* Because let�s face it, their some ugly bastards.

�� >>We will begin exterminating these traitors.� By order of our Master.

Kiyone: Thankfully this is a video game script and not a lemon.� I really don�t want to read another one of �those� fics.

>>Larg's Knights stationed at Igros Castle and many other groups will participate.� Your duty is to support the flank.

Karade: *Snicker*� Flank . . .

�� >>Specifically, you'll go to Igros and help guard it.

[A female knight approaches from the back, exchanges words with the Hokuten Knight, and departs.]

Yosho: *As Hokuten Knight* Okay well I have to go now.� The guys are holding a party.� But uh, good luck with those barbarians cadets.

>>HOKUTEN KNIGHT:� Cadets, ready your swords!� A gang of tortured thieves is trying to sneak into this town.� We'll begin preparations now to keep them out of town!� Come with me!� This is the frontline of operations!� That's all!� Prepare immediately!

Kiyone: *Adding on a calculator.* Yup, that�s six out of the last seven sentences ending with an exclamation point.

�� >>[fade out]

�� Magic City Gariland -- battle

Karade:� So is that something like San Francisco

�� [thieves, Ramza, Delita, company]

Yosho: Cause Three�s Company too!

Gohan: I hated that show.

Kiyone: Yeah so did I.

>>THIEF:� What's this?� Just a bunch of kids!� What luck!� OK, all we have to do is kill these kids!� Then, we can escape!� Don't you worry!� We'll kill everyone of you!

Yosho: Wow, killing kids.� That sure makes you such a big man doesn�t it?

�� >>[battle ensues]

�� DELITA:� Ramza, watch out!� Don't rush them!

�� RAMZA:� Don't patronize me, Delita!� I'm also a Beoulve!!

Yosho: Uh, I think he was just offering some sound tactical advice.

>>THIEF:� Beoulve!?� THE Beoulve family!?� So, you must be cadets from the military academy!� Snot-nosed little nobles!!

All: *As Cadets*� That�s us!

Karade: This guy had better watch out.� He wouldn�t want to piss off �Ramza Un-pronounceable Last Name� now would he?

�� >>RAMZA:� Silence!� Surrender or die in obscurity!!

THIEF:� What can a bunch of kids like you do?� Buncha spoiled punks like you'll never beat us!!

Yosho: Well considering this is the first real fight in the game, I�m kinda guessing they will.

�� >>[sparring]

�� [Once the enemies are defeated...]

RAMZA:� Why do you continue committing acts like robbery?� You wouldn't have died this way if you'd led an honest life.

Kiyone: Maybe it�s because they are poor?

Karade: Or because robbery is fun?

>>[The group consisting of Ramza, Vincent, Zack, Charmaine, Aurora, Dietrich, and Delita moved onward, buying supplies and whatever they needed.]

�� >>-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yosho: *Is about to say something before the others glare at him.*

>>Having attained the highest rank of Heavenly Knight, brave Balbanes was facing his last days...

Karade: Balbanes? *Bursts out laughing.*

�� >>-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

�� >>The End of the Fifty Year War

Yosho: So something like the Hundred Years War?� Square really has no problem ripping off stuff do they?

�� >>The Beoulve Residence

�� [Balbanes, Zalbag, Dycedarg, Alma]

Karade: What the hell kind of names are those?

Kiyone: Alma means soul.

Yosho: Shhh, that�s almost a plot spoiler.

Gohan: Oh you mean like if I said three of those four would be dead by the end of the game?

Kiyone: *Sigh* Yes something like that.

�� >>[Balbanes lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his children.]

�� BALBANES:� How goes... the battle?

ZALBAG:� Through swift action we were able to recover Limberry.� It's only a matter of time before the Ordalia army leaves Zeltennia.� Don't worry.

Gohan: Ahh, Zalbag, the good brother.

Kiyone: Would you quit giving away the plot!

>>LORD DYCEDARG:� The secret messenger sent to Count Lenario has returned.� Count Lenario has agreed to your plan.

Karade: LENARIO! secrets. . .

Gohan: Huh?

Karade: Watch Conan more to get that one.

>>BALBANES:� Good... then, at last... this long war... will finally come to an end...

�� ALMA:� Father...

Yosho: *As Balbanes* That�s right Alma, I am your father.

Kiyone: *As Alma*� Nooooo!� It can�t be true!� Oh, wait a minute.� You are my father.

�� >>[Alma turns to tears.]

Yosho: Somebody get us a mop over here!

�� >>BALBANES:� Don't cry... my daughter...

�� ZALBAG:� Where is Ramza?� Just when we need him most!

Karade:� And now I dream about it.

Yosho: No one�s going to get that one Karade.

>>BALBANES:� Dycedarg, Zalbag... my beloved sons...� Take care of Ramza.� He may be your half brother, but he is my own flesh.

[Footsteps are heard echoing through the corridor.� Ramza bursts through the door.]

Gohan: Turning the knob would have worked better.� You know, I�m just saying.

�� >>RAMZA:� Father!!

�� [Ramza approaches Balbanes' bedside.]

�� DYCEDARG:� Lower your voice.

�� BALBANES:� I'm glad you came...� Let me... look at you....

Karade: *As Balbanes*� You always were cute son.

Others: Ewww.

�� >>[Dycedarg steps aside.� Ramza moves closer.]

�� RAMZA:� Father...

BALBANES:� It has been a long time.� You've become a fine man.� You start at the Academy... in spring, don't you?

Kiyone: Yeah, but what I really want to do is be a dancer!

�� >>[Balbanes reaches for Ramza's hand.� Ramza grabs hold.]

�� RAMZA:� ...

Yosho: Ahh, behold RPG character�s ability to pronounce punctuation.

>>BALBANES:� Listen, Ramza...� A Beoulve has served the royal family for generations.

Kiyone: And boy is he an old guy now.

�� >>The warrior spirit is in us.� Never shame your name...

Gohan: Oh don�t worry about that, Dycedarg will take care of that for us.

Kiyone: For the last time quit giving plot spoilers!

>>Never tolerate injustice...� Living true to your heart is the warrior's way...� The Beoulve way.

Karade: *As Balbanes*� And remember one thing Ramza.� It�s my way, my way or the highway!

�� >>RAMZA:� I understand, Father.

Yosho: *As Ramza* I understand, I don�t care, but I understand.

BALBANES:� Delita's a good boy.� He should serve you well...� I've asked the dean to accept him into the Academy.� It shocked the dean a bit.� He will serve you well...� Treat him well...

Kiyone: Ahh, if only Balbanes hadn�t done that.� So much blood shed could have been avoided.

Gohan: Now whose giving plot spoilers?

�� >>RAMZA:� [sobbing]� Y, yes... father...

�� [Ramza leans in closer.]

BALBANES:� Take good care of Alma...� [Balbanes pulls his hand away, and rests it beside himself.]� Become a fine knight... Ramza.

�� [Balbanes dies.]

Karade: Well that�s one down, two to go.

Fenrir: And that�s the end of part 1.

All: Yay!