The MST of Final Fantasy Tactics:� Part 2

Fenrir: We now bring to you our loyal reader, after a long delay, the second instalment of the MST of FFT.

�� >>Mandalia Plains -- battle

�� [monsters, a noble, thieves]

Yosho: Would that equate in modern terms to �lawyers, politicians, and both?�

�� >>[A young noble kneels, wounded, before a band of thieves.]

Karade: *As young noble* Oh, I�ve been so bad, I really need to be punished.

Others: That�s just wrong Karade.

�� >>THIEF:� Still breathing.� What'll we do?

Kiyone: *As Ramza* How about you go ahead and kill him.� Save us the trouble.

�� >>THIEF II:� Don't be stupid.

Yosho: *As Thief* Me stiopd?� That unpossible.

�� We just need to get the Marquis.

�� THIEF:� Right.� Hey, don't blame us.� Blame fate.

Yosho: No one ever wants to take the blame for anything in this game, do they?

�� >>[Ramza and company approach.]

Karade: *As Ramza* Wait!� Don�t kill him!� We want a piece of him as well.

�� >>THIEF:� Wha?� Damn!� The Hokuten Knights!

Gohan: Actually, their just cadets.� Not knights.

�� >>DELITA:� Death Corps?� They attacking someone?

Kiyone: Hooray for bad grammar!

>>RAMZA:� Saving him is our priority.� Don't disgrace the knights.� Saving him comes first!

Yosho: If you have Ramza say �The destruction of the Death Corps is our priority� then all of your characters get plus two to their brave permeant ly. *The others stare at him.*� I�m just saying.

�� >>[battle ensues]

�� >>[The noble stands]

�� >>ALGUS:� Reinforcements?� Thank God!

Karade: *As Delita* Well you see Algus, I can see the future, and you know what that means.� I�m going to have to kill you.

Kiyone: That joke is quickly becoming a standby.

Gohan: And it�s really not even that funny.

�� >>[sparring]

�� >>[Once the battle ends...]

�� >>RAMZA:� [to Algus]� Are you OK?

Yosho: *As Algus* Let�s see, I just got beat up by a large gang of thieves.� Do I look okay!?

Karade: Actually your sprite never changes what it looks like to reflect damage, or the fact that you might be wearing different armor, or. . .

�� >>ALGUS:� Barely...� But the Marquis...

�� >>RAMZA:� Marquis?� You mean Marquis Elmdor?

Karade: No Marquis Elmo.

Kiyone: Could we please leave him out of this?

�� >>ALGUS:� Yeah.� Who're you?

�� >>RAMZA:� We're military cadets.� I think we can help.� Tell us more.

Yosho: Yeah, I�m sure a bunch of cadets are going to beat the Death Corps when all of the Hokuten couldn�t.

Kiyone: Well this group of cadets has the main character in it so I am guessing that is exactly what they are going to do.

Karade: Did you fail RPG Cliches 101 as well Yosho?

�� >>ALGUS:� I'm Algus... of the Limberry Aegis Knights...

Karade: That�s nice.� Now to you have any valuables you could give us in exchange for saving your life?

�� >>DELITA:� A knight..?

Yosho: *As Algus* Did I stutter?

�� >>ALGUS:� ...I mean, a cadet... like you all.

�� >>RAMZA:� I'm Ramza Beoulve.� This is Delita, a good friend.

Karade: Yes, a verrrry good friend if you get what I�m saying.

�� >>[Delita nods.]

Karade: *Bursts out laughing*� I guess I was right.

�� >>ALGUS:� Beoulve...?� ...of the Hokuten?� Excellent!� How lucky I am!

�� >>RAMZA:� ???

Kiyone: Hey Yosho, ???

Yosho: Well, !!!

Gohan: This is fun! ;;;

�� >>[Algus grabs Ramza's hands.]

Karade: *As Delita slaps Algus*� Stay away from my man!

�� >>ALGUS:� I beg you, please help me save the Marquis!

�� DELITA:� What are you talking about?

Yosho: Yes!� Save the Marquis!� So he can become a very powerful demon later in the game!

Kiyone: Argh!� Again with the plot spoilers!� Even doing it as a joke isn�t funny anymore.

Yosho: Oh and like the rest of this crap is funny.

>>ALGUS:� The Marquis is still alive!� They've kidnapped him!� He will be killed, if we don't act fast!

Gohan: If they were going to kill him then why did they kidnap him?� Wouldn�t it have been simpler to just kill him on the field of battle?

Kiyone: Not much in this game makes sense.� Let it go.

>>I don't know what I would do if...� [Algus lets go of Ramza's hands >>momentarily, then grabs them once more.]� So, please!� Help me!� Please!!

Karade: You know the �Algus likes men� jokes are just to easy to do here.

�� >>DELITA:� Relax.� We don't know for sure if he'll be killed.

Gohan: See?

>>There must be some reason for Death Corps to take him.� They might have >>made some demands.

Karade: *As Death Corps* We want 90,000 Gil, a castle, and the letter K stricken from the language.� After all you can�t spell �Hokuten� without a �k.�

>>RAMZA:� Besides, there is nothing we can do.� The Marquis was kidnapped, and I'm sure by now everyone at Igros Castle is up in arms.

�� DELITA:� First, we should go to Igros and report.

Kiyone: And what a report it�s going to be.

Yosho: *As Ramza*� Let�s see. . .� We beat up some thieves.� We then went and beat up some more thieves and saved Algus, I don�t know why.� And then we came back to the castle.� Oh and we beat up some thieves along the way.� Did I mention that?

�� >>[Algus releases Ramza's hands.]

�� ALGUS:� All right.� Let's do that.

Karade: *As Algus* And some other things as well. *Winks*

�� >>[fade out]

�� >>Igros Castle

Gohan: No you gross.

Kiyone: Oh the pain of bad puns.

�� >>[Dycedarg, Ramza, Delita, Algus]

�� >>[The four men are sitting at a table, discussing the recent events.]

Yosho: *As Ramza* I�m telling you guys that Chocobo was coming onto me.

Karade: Hey!� That�s my line.

>>DYCEDARG:� [to Ramza]� ...I hear you beat the first troops.� I'm proud to be your brother.� The senior statesmen spoke highly of you.� You are truly descended from Beoulves.

Yosho: So was that the founder of the family I guess?

�� >>RAMZA:� ...Thank you.

�� >>DYCEDARG:� Aren't you happy?

Karade: *As Ramza* No. . .� Me and Delita had a fight again. . .� Men! *Sigh*

Kiyone: This just gets more and more disturbing.

>>RAMZA:� Oh, yes, I am.� Thank you for the kind words.� ...You might have heard about the enemy attacking Elmdor's carriage and kidnapping him.� What would you have us do?

Yosho: Why don�t we let the young children stay here at the castle while the adults go to war.

Karade: Young?� Ramza�s sixteen.� Lance was out wielding two broadswords at the age of fourteen.

Yosho: Of course no one is going to know who Lance is.

�� >>DYCEDARG:� I've already had Zalbag send out a search party.

Kiyone: Dycedarg is the older brother.� Why does he have to go through his younger brother to send out a search party?

�� >>They'll probably demand ransom... if he's still alive.

�� [Algus stands up, frantic.]

Karade: *As Algus* But Elmdor has to be alive!� I mean who else is going to punish me when I�m a bad little boy if he doesn�t?

Kiyone: Wrong . . .� Wrong. . .� Wrong.

�� >>ALGUS:� Highness.� Please let me have one-hundred soldiers!

�� DYCEDARG:� ...

Yosho: I guess that�s a �no.�

�� >>ALGUS:� I beg you.� Let me avenge my comrade's murder!

�� DYCEDARG:� I said it's taken care of.� Didn't you hear me?

Gohan: *As Algus* No. . .� Because I can�t read!

Kiyone: Ahh, good and obscure enough that no one will know what we�re talking about.

�� >>Gallione isn't any place for you.� Let us handle it.

Yosho: Of course it doesn�t really matter what he says.� We all know that the main character of a game and his party always end up saving the day.

�� >>ALGUS:� [alarmed]� B..ut!

Gohan: What type of alarm?� A fire alarm maybe?

�� >>DYCEDARG:� Think of your rank, Algus!

Karade: Well I know Algus smells and all, but I really don�t see how that�s relevant.

�� >>Have you forgotten you're just a soldier without rank in Knighthood?

�� ALGUS:� Urrrgh...

Yosho: I guess that�s a �yes.�

�� >>[Algus sits back down, angry.]

Gohan: Yeah, I mean of course a cadet is going to be allowed to lead a company of knights.� That makes sense.

>>DYCEDARG:� [to Ramza and Delita]� I want you to guard Igros Castle.� It shouldn't be so difficult.� "Danger" probably won't get this far.

Kiyone: Why is �Danger� in quotation marks?

�� >>[fade out]

�� After Departing...

�� [Ramza, Delita, Algus]

Karade: Doctor, Physician, Ophthalmologist.

Gohan: What the heck is an Ophthalmologist?

Karade: I have no idea.� It was just in the thesaurus for �doctor� and it sounds funny.

�� >>[The boys are

Yosho: back in town.

Kiyone: Oh come on.� We all knew that was coming.

�� >>crossing a lovely setting of canals and waterducts.]

�� >>ALGUS:� ...My family was once respected by the Beoulves.

Karade: But no one else right?� No other family understood your fascination with goats.

Kiyone: No!� No more bestiality jokes!

>>[turns away]� My grandfather was captured during the Fifty Year War...� He sold his

Yosho: soul for a one night stand.

Karade: He followed Alice into Wonderland.

�� >>friends out to the enemy to save himself.

Gohan: Coward! *Rushes forward trying to attack the fic.*

Kiyone: Gohan is just not right in the head is he?

Kiyone: You�re just figuring that out?

�� >>But, as he left the castle, he got stabbed in the back by a cadet just like myself.

Yosho: You sure it wasn�t you Algus?

>>One of my grandfather's friends managed to escape and spread the story

�� around.

Karade:� And what a friend he was.

>>Of course my father didn't believe it, but everyone else did.� They deserted him...� [throws a pebble into the water]

Gohan: Hey!� Don�t do that!� Fruity Pebbles is a great breakfast cereal!

Karade: You�re fruity.

Gohan: Am not!

Karade: Am to!

Yosho: Would you both shut up!

�� >>Rank...� Dycedarg would never meet with someone like me...

Kiyone: Well I agree with Dycedarg.� You are a bit of a freak Algus.

Karade: And like he says.� Algus smells really bad.

Kiyone: It doesn�t say that.

�� >>[From behind, a voice echoes.]

Karade: Ramza!� Again with the beans!

Kiyone: Ahh, fart jokes.� How low we have sunk.

Karade: Bet you I can go lower.

Kiyone: Why do I believe you.

�� >>VOICE OF A YOUNG GIRL:� Delita!

Yosho:� So where was the rest of the young girl?

�� >>[All three boys turn around.]

Karade: All right!� Chicks!

�� >>DELITA:� Teta!

�� RAMZA:� Alma, Zalbag!

�� [Alma waves to the boys, and the three greet them.]

Yosho: *As Alma* Greetings mortals.� I am here for your souls.

Kiyone: *Sighs* Well someone just had to do that one didn�t they?

Yosho: ......... yes.

�� >>ALMA:� Brother Ramza.� You came back.

Karade: Uhh, he was in Gariland.� That�s not very far from Igros.

�� >>RAMZA:� [to Zalbag]� Long time no see, brother.

ZALBAG:� I heard how you beat the thieves in Gariland.� That's worthy of a Beoulve.� I'm sure father would've been pleased with you.

Yosho: *As Ramza* Yeah! �We beat up some level one and two thieves!� We rock!

�� >>RAMZA:� ...Thank you.

�� ZALBAG:� Heh... haven't changed a bit.� You don't like that much, eh?

Karade: Don�t like what much?

�� >>[to Delita] Delita, you look good.

All: *Snicker*

�� >>I heard about your role, also.� Just look how happy Teta is.

Kiyone: *As Teta* That�s right big brother.� I was very impressed. *Winks*

Yosho: And the twisted jokes just keep on coming.

�� >>TETA:� Delita, I'm glad you're doing well.

�� DELITA:� And you, also.� How is your schooling?

�� TETA:� Fine.� Everyone is so nice to me...

Yosho: Maybe it has something to do with your brother coming by the school with his sword and threatening the other students.

>>ZALBAG:� I'd like to talk more with you, but I must hunt down some thieves.� Pardon me.

Karade: *As Miss �You Know Who�*� You know I have just about had it with this constant hatred for thieves these people have.� Everyone is against us!� All of you people on that side of the law are just going after us because of what we do!� It�s not right!

Yosho: That wasn�t even close to being a good impression of �Miss You Know Who� You going to have to curse a lot more to pull that off.

�� >>RAMZA:� I pray for your victory.

Yosho:� Let�s see.� A bunch of thieves or the Hokuten Knights.� Hmm, I wonder.

�� >>[Zalbag straightens his glove, and turns away, but stops.]

�� ZALBAG:� ...The Death Corps have demanded a ransom.

�� ALGUS:� What!?

Karade: Um, isn�t that the point of most kidnapping cases?� Ransom?

�� >>ZALBAG:� [turns around]� ...I can't understand it.

All: Neither can we!

Karade: Money good.

>>The Death Corps claims to be anarchists, but they only rob and hurt the nobility.

Yosho: Well maybe their just a bunch of Socialists.

�� >>It's hard to believe they would kidnap the Marquis just for money.

Kiyone: You need money to fund a war.� Where better to get it from than from your enemies.

�� >>ALGUS:� Absurd!� Why, they're nothing more than knaves, I say!

Karade: You know, if I had just got my ass kicked by them I think i might be talking like they were really powerful.

�� >>ZALBAG:� The spy we sent still hasn't returned.� He's probably in trouble,

Karade: Gee, you think?

�� >>but the nobles say there's no need to search for his whereabouts.

Yosho: Yeah, I mean who cares about some commoner?

�� >>RAMZA:� Where was he when you last heard from him?

Gohan: In the depths of hell?

�� >>ZALBAG:� A trade city called Dorter, east of Gallionne...

Karade: Hey, didn�t Puff the Magic Dragon live by the sea of Gallionne?

Yosho: Um, no.

Kiyone: Our dear little drug addled friend always loved that song for some reason.� I don�t know why.

�� >>...Guarding a castle is boring work.� Don't you think?

Yosho: Did he just not so subtlety hint that Ramza and co. should go after the thieves?

�� >>[exit Zalbag]

�� [Algus moves to the side.]

Kiyone: Huh?� The side of what?

�� >>DELITA:� Teta, I'm sorry.� We must go.

Gohan: *Singing* That�s right Teta!� Cause, we�re off to see the thieves, the wonderful thieves of Dorter.

�� >>TETA:� [shakes head]

Karade: *Is also shaking his head.� At Gohan�s song that is.*

�� >>Don't worry about me.� Just take care of yourself.

�� [The two embrace.]

Karade: All right!� Some hot brother on sister action!

Others: *Back away.*

Kiyone: You really disturb me more than the fics sometimes Karade.

>>DELITA:� Don't worry.� I'll come back safely... so be a good girl.� [moves up the bridge]� Well then.� Let's go, Algus.

�� [exit Delita, Algus, Teta]

Yosho: Uh, what about Ramza?

Karade: He�s sticking around to have some quality time with his sister.

Kiyone: Would you stop with the incest jokes!

Karade: Can I do bestiality jokes then?

Kiyone: No.

Karade: Ahh, you�re no fun.

�� >>ALMA:� What Teta said is not true.� Actually...

Gohan: And what was the last thing Teta said.

Yosho: *Scrolls up a few pages.* That everyone was nice to her.

Gohan: Oh, thanks.

�� >>RAMZA:� Something wrong with Teta?

Kiyone: Well she did have those leprosy scars, but other than that she looked fine.

�� >>ALMA:� She has been picked on at school because of her rank.

Karade: Insert a �Teta smells bad� joke right here please.

�� >>RAMZA:� ...

All: .... to you as well Ramza.

>>ALMA:� Sorry...� I shouldn't have worried you like that.� Teta will be OK.� I'll be there for her.� Trust me.

Karade: *Bursts out laughing.* Yeah, Alma will be there to take good care of Teta.

�� >>RAMZA:� I'm not worried.� But don't you overdo it.

ALMA:� You're the one going too far to meet their expectations.� Just be yourself and don't be restricted by your name.

Kiyone: Is it just me or do these people change the subject randomly?

Karade: It�s just you.� Did you see that goat?� What time is it?� I like shiny things.

�� >>RAMZA:� You sound like our mother.� [laughs a bit]

�� [exit Ramza]

�� ALMA:� Ramza...

Gohan: *As Ramza* Huh?

Kiyone: *As Alma* Oh, uh, you were supposed to be gone.� I was just saying your name for dramatic effect.

�� >>[fade out]

�� >>Sweegy Woods -- battle

Fenrir: Ahhh!� It�s the Ms. Sweeny woods!

All: ????

Fenrir: Oh sorry.� Miss Sweeny was a seventy some year old substitute teacher.� One of the most cruel and mean persons that I have ever had the displeasure of meeting

�� >>[Algus, Delita, Ramza, etc., monsters]

�� >>[The boys come to a swampy area, with monsters ready to attack.]

Yosho: Why does the road between two major cities pass through a swamp?

Kiyone: So they can have a different battlefield than the plains.� I mean really.� Didn�t you realize the world was created to give a variety of different places to fight?

�� >>ALGUS:� What rotten luck.� Meeting monsters in a place like this.

�� DELITA:� Don't gripe, Algus.� It's better than guarding a castle.

�� >>ALGUS:� This is a matter of life and death.� How can you say that?

Yosho: I hate to say this, but Algus is right.

Karade: Ah, come on guys.� Look at these monsters.� I don�t think they have much of a chance to kill our heroes.

�� >>[The monsters approach.]

�� RAMZA:� Enough!� Here they come!!

Karade: Insert random perverted joke here.

Kiyone: My, someone sure is getting lazy anymore.

�� >>[battle ensues]

�� [After the enemies are defeated...]

�� RAMZA:� Just through this forest, and we're almost to Dorter.

Yosho: Look!� It�s the correct word used in that sentence.

Kiyone: I just love it when a story can spell.� And while this one isn�t perfect threw and threw, it is better than a lot of the things that we have read.

Yosho: Of course I guess we are going to have to quit doing jokes like this once the peace treaty is ratified.� So let�s get them all in now.� What there isn�t a treaty?

�� >>Slums in Dorter -- battle

�� [two strange men]

Karade: Let�s see, two men together in a back alley.� They are described as �strange.�� I think we all see where this is going.

�� >>[The area is rugged; trashy.� The two men obviously have a score to settle.]

Kiyone: *As man* I say the ball was in bounds!

�� >>FENCER:� ....I said I don't know!

Gohan: . . . where you put the hamster.

Kiyone and Yosho: Gohan?� That�s uh. . .

Karade: *Wipes a tear from his eye*� They learn so fast these days.

�� >>[The fencer attempts to walk away, but the other man follows him.]

�� KNIGHT:� Don't lie to me!� I know what you did!� Where is Gustav?� Where!?

Yosho: Well you see you go on up past Dorter, hang a left at the huge volcano in the middle of the continent which must mean this land has some weird plate tectonics.� I mean just one lone mountain, all by itself?

�� >>[The fencer backs away, and lowers his head.]

�� FENCER:� I... don't know...

Kiyone: Why do people always do that during interrogations?� I�ve never had a suspect say �I don�t know.�� And then I say.� �Oh, well you couldn�t be lying so you can go ahead and leave now.�

>>KNIGHT:� Where is the Marquis?� [advances quickly]� Where are you hiding him?� Speak!!

Gohan: Well you see the Marquis is really an intergalactic alien who came from space to turn all of humanity into ice cream.� Oops.� Guess I�m not supposed to give out plot spoilers.

Kiyone: But that�s not even true!� You�re giving out fake spoilers!

Yosho: Well doesn�t that mean they aren�t spoilers?� That he is just rambling on pointlessly?

�� >>The knight takes the fencer by the

Karade:� Take him by the hand.

Yosho:� Make him understand.

Kiyone:� The world on you depends.

>>throat, but the fencer manages to break loose, and makes an attempt to escape.� However, he trips, stumbles, and falls by a puddle of water.

Kiyone: Reminds me of a certain partner of mine.

>>The knight draws his sword and holds it to the fencer's throat.]� This is your last chance...� Where is he?

Karade: *As Fencer*� You�re going to be pissed.� But we kind of already killed him.

�� >>FENCER:� D... desert...

Yosho: N . . . Now, was t . . .that so h . . .hard?

�� >>[The knight pulls back his sword, and tucks it away in his holster.]

All: *Sigh*

Yosho: I believe that the word you are looking for is �scabbard.�� Guns are what go into holsters.

�� >>KNIGHT:� I see...� In "Rat Cellar"...

�� [Ramza's voice echoes from behind.]

Karade: *As Delita* Damn Ramza�

Kiyone: Would you shut up!� That�s like the fourth time you�ve used that joke.

�� >>RAMZA:� Wait!!

Karade: See, he want�s me to make the joke.

�� >>KNIGHT:� Damn, the Hokuten.

�� [exit the knight]

Gohan: Okay hold on.� If that knight wasn�t with the Hokuten, and wasn�t with the Death Corps.� Then who the hell is he with?

Yosho: Some mysterious third party that is in reality the real enemy?

Kiyone: Maybe Yosho, maybe.

�� >>[enter

Karade:� Enter night

Yosho:� Take my hand

Gohan:� Off to never never land

Fenrir: You all did not just sing a Metallica song. . .

Kiyone: Yeah, but we got it off Napster.

Fenrir: Oh, well then it�s okay.

�� >>Ramza, Algus, Delita, and company]

�� ALGUS:� Looks like our trip here was well worth it.

�� DELITA:� I've seen him somewhere...

Karade: Was he a customer down at the club that you strip at Delita?

�� >>RAMZA:� Do you know him, Delita?

Yosho: *As Delita* If you mean in the Biblical sense, then yes.� If you mean as to be familiar with him.� Well yes on that also.

Kiyone: We really need some new material.

�� >>DELITA:� I saw him at the end of the Fifty Year War in Igros...

Gohan: *As Delita* How could I forget? �He was the one dancing on the roof at the party after the war.

�� >>[Noise is heard in the distance.� Knights and mages approach.]

�� RAMZA:� I guess we must fight.� Eaaagggghh!!

Kiyone: Can we get some better battle cries over here?

�� >>[battle ensues]

DELITA:� Now I remember!� His name is Wiegraf.� Leader of a voluteer army, a corps of Death Knights.

�� ALGUS:� What?� ...You mean he's the...?

�� DELITA:� Yes...� The leader of the Death Corps.

Karade: So who is Wiegraf?

Yosho: I think he is the leader of the Death Corps.

Gohan: The leader of the Death Corps. You say?

Kiyone: Yes Wiegraf is the leader of the Death Corps.

�� >>[sparring]

�� [The battle ends.]

Fenrir: End of part 2 as well.