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August 30th, 2005
I almost died tonight.
I had just begun making banana muffins when my chest tightened.
�I can�t breathe.� I said to my girlfriend.
I stumbled into my room and kneeled against my bed. My body began suffocating upon itself. Gasping for air, I fell to the floor and I recall my skull making a loud �thunk�. My �girlfriend� and mother were not fifteen feet away; neither came to see what the noise was, but both the cats came and sniffed me.
I could not yell for help because I was too busy wheezing and trying to remain conscious.
My father was in the next room, sleeping.
I took a few puffs from my inhaler, snorted some Dristan decongestant, and tried to calm myself. It didn�t work. I then crawled into the bathroom, shutting the door from force of habit, and turned on the hot water to steam out my constricted airways. I managed to disrobe and climbed into the searing water. There I lay for a few minutes, the boiling water had no effect on my skin, but I took in the hot moist air. I coughed up some mucus, and tried to relax, by now I had been panting for about 20 minutes. I believe I began to spasm, my limbs flailed out of control. I don�t remember much, but the water got cold and I turned the tap off with my toes. And there I lay, cold, wet, and naked in the bathtub, finally beginning to respire normally again.
The ordeal had sapped my strength. I couldn�t get out of the tub and I couldn�t yell for help because my throat was so raw from rasping. I began lobbing shampoo bottles weakly at the door, trying to get one of the three adults in the house to come help me.
No one came.
I slapped my hand against a bubble in the laminate on the shower wall until my knuckles hurt and my arm muscles twitched from being above my head.
�No one�s coming. Give it up.� A voice said in my head as my vision waned and darkness became so inviting.
�Fuck that.� I think I muttered, my left arm swinging over, and my fingers latching onto the outside rim of the tub. My body ached for some reason, and I pulled half my body out, then the rest slid and collided with the floor, making a lout �boom.�
No one came.
I pulled my underwear back on and crawled/slithered back to my room. Again, my cat was the only one concerned. I forced my shitty body into my bed and there I lay, motionless.
Eventually, approximately 36 minutes or so after I said, �I can�t breathe.� My mother strode by on the way to piss. She yelled at me for having made a mess out of the bathroom. My girlfriend was still sitting in the kitchen, watching an A&E program on the BTK Killer.
Frustrated and exhausted, I told mother to fuck off. She yelled at me some more, dad woke up and told me to move out, since that is all he ever does. My girlfriend still sat in the kitchen, so I said she could fuck off as well. She copped an attitude, not even curious as to why she should fuck off, and starting talking trash about me as well.
That is when, I did something I had not done in nine years or so, and am embarrassed to say it, but, I cried. I cried because at that moment, I hated the three people that should care about me the most. I hated them so fucking much, that if I had the ability to move, I would have killed all of them. Because they would have deserved it at the time.
�Just wait till he passes out, then we�ll call an ambulance.� My dad said, referring to, and I quote, �I don�t want to deal with him.�
My girlfriend finally stopped telling my mom overblown, mostly fabricated stories about how she lipped off everyone in her son�s school, to check on me. She tried to force me to get dressed to go to the hospital. But she commanded me in the worst, bossy-bitchy-snotty-mean tone possible.
I told her to go away, to which she replied, �Go away? Like forever?!� she said gleefully. She put on her shoes, went home and was never heard from again.
My mom finished making the muffins, and my dad went back to sleep.
So that�s my tale of near-death and mind shattering hatred.
Sleep tight, my poppets, you may not wake up in the morning.