Actual quotes from my family/friends!
All of the following are actual things that have either been said by me, my family(and yes, we are dyfunctional), or my friends.
(This happened while I was sitting on the stairs brushing my teeth. My brother's girlfriend, Julia, was sitting at the foot of the stairs playing with the dogs. My brother walks in from the garage and...)
Julia: You look like a mon.
 Adam: What? I look like a man?
Julia: You look like a mon.
Adam: I am a man.
 Laura(me): Nah, you're a boy.
Adam: Go eat a dick.
Laura: I just did. It was quite tasty. But I still needed to brush my teeth.
Julia: Who's, Gator's?
Adam: That's fuckin nasty, Jules!		 (While lying in bed with my friend(JUST friends))
Laura: Oh yeah, and just so you know, I invited Ozzy Osbourne over to party tonight.
 Missy: So that's why he's floating above you?
 Laura: Hold on a sec. If Ozzy's floating over me, who the hell is that under me?!?!?!
Laura: Is it just me, or do orchids look like vaginas?
Laura: Ok, so Bill Clinton was walking in the garden-
Adam: When he came upon Pete and Repeat sitting on the wall. Bill pulled Pete down, bent him over and raped him. Who was left?
Jessi: No one, cause Repeat jumped down, ran for his life, went to court, got a lawyer, and got Monica Lewinsky to testify, so Bill Clinton got sent to jail, where he himself was raped several times.
Missy: The thing about Ozzy Osbourne is, I mean, think. He's 55 and his balls are probably all wrinkled.
Laura: Nah, he probably uses Sharon's anti-wrinkle cream on them.
(while looking at a picture of Criss Angel without a shirt on)
Missy: He's got nice abs
Laura: and pecs
Missy: and everything else
Laura: that we can see.
Mom: That poor windchime. Everyone makes fun of him, I mean, its not his fault he's well hung.
Adam: I'm a hero!
Laura: My imaginary friend says you are not.
Adam: Yeah, well my imaginary friend'll kick your imaginary friend's ass!
Laura: Nuh uh! My imaginary friend is Hannibal Lecter!
(as my mom began to enter the men's restroom)
Laura: Um, mom? That's the men's room.
Mom: Oh yeah. I knew that.
Laura: That would have been interesting, hm?
Mom: Depends on who was in there.
Laura: Like maybe Mel Gibson?
Mom: For me, yeah. Or if it was Criss Angel, you'd think that was interesting, wouldn't you?
Laura: Oh, isn't this fucking bloody wonderful! The door is locked and we don't have a key. We can't get out, they can't get in! We're all gonna DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
While driving Julia to work...
  Laura: Look! Preppies! Lets make faces at them!
Laura: As soon as it starts snowing, I'll be outside, zapping the flakes with a blow dryer.
 Mom: So you're going to give the snow a blow job?
I am driving Julia to work, and she insults me somehow using the word 'cluster'...
  Laura: Well, you're the product of a lesbian clusterfuck.
  Julia: Excuse me?!?!
  Laura: Oh, I said you're the product of a lesbian clusterfuck.
   Julia: Excuse me?!?!!
  Laura: You're the product of a lesbian clusterfuck.
  Repeat for about five minutes....
As we were driving through the Burger King parking lot...
Laura: Mom, don't hit that dude.
Mom: I am going to hit that dude if he doesn't get the fuck out of my way!
Laura: I got some weird looks from the guy in the car next to me because I was headbanging.
  Julia: Oh, I know. I saw you. You did it, and then you fixed your hair, and then you did it again.
During a 'meeting' between Julia and I regarding the pick up of an impounded vehicle:
Julia:OK, we need to put gas in your car to make this non-pointless trip...wait a sec...
Laura: You should add to your notes and the minutes that I am masturbating with my right foot.
Julia:We need the keys! Shit! We need to get those from that dude...
While having lunch with my lovely coworkers from Cheeburger Cheeburger:
Andy: I got a comment card today that said, 'ANDY IS THE GREATEST SERVER EVER!!!'
Don: You know, when I came in this morning, there were a bunch of geese standing by the back door just looking at me-
Laura: And they were filling out comment cards?
*Andy and Jeremy burst into laughter*
Don: Yeah. Lemme tell ya, someone put something strange in my Lucky Charms this morning.
Jeremy: But yeah, I've seen those geese...They just kinda look at you funny, they don't seem to be afraid of people.
Laura: Sweet!
Jeremy: Uh oh...
Andy: That's not to say that can't be changed...
Jeremy: I can see the headlines now. There was a gruesome and rather morbid massacre of geese in the West Omaha area this weekend...
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