"The Crappiest Final Fantasy VII FanFic Ever Made, Part B"
by: Rufus_Shinra
Part A:
Cloud: Let's go!
Snake calls up Octacon, who's is beamed by satellite.
Octacon: What is it, Snake?(static)
Snake: Can you disarm the security system of this building?
Octacon: For how long?
Snake: 20 minutes
Octacon: OK, I'll try.
Snake: We're counting on you! But one more thing-get a shave!
Octacon: All right give me around 5 minutes and I'll call back.
Octacon: Take care.
Octacon pulls out a Gelete Mach 3 and shaves while he's hacking into Shin-Ra's computer.
The codec link is disconnected.
Cloud: OK
Snake: Just wait. I know how you wanna pulverize everyone's ass in the room.
Cloud: I know.
Meeting Room
Rufus and Dr. Evil talk face to face.
Dr. Evil: Can I use that chair?
Rufus: Hell no!
Dr. Evil: Please?!
Rufus: No!!!
Dr. Evil: Can I try it?
Rufus: How many times do I have to tell you can't use my chair?!
Rufus leans back on his chair and presses a button. All of a sudden, the Shin-Ra theme is
heard throughout the building.
Dr.Evil: Fine then.
Dr. Evil: Can you bring Scott in here?
Rufus: Oh, that jackass of a son you have.
Dr. Evil: Don't ever call my family that!
Rufus: So at least I wasn't defeated by some horny Brit. ... twice!
Scott enters the meeting room with his usaul nappy shirt.
Dr.Evil: Hello, Scott or whatever they call you at school. We will kill her and then kill
Cloud.
Oh this is shall we say perfect with Ocerot's machine. Son, what do you have to say about
this?
Scott: Shhh, why don't we just shoot her?
Dr. Evil : You see, you must plan evil, slow, painful deaths! You're just not good
enough.
Remember! Diet evil!
Rufus: Right, diet evil! ... What's that?
Scott: Whatever, dad.
Dr. Evil: Shooting Tifa is for mere henchmen, but giving her a slow painful death is true
Evil!
Dr. Evil: You're grounded for the rest of the week!
Scott: But-
Dr. Evil: No buts mister! Now go to your room. ... Wherever it is.
Scott Evil exits the room. Rufus and Evil resume their conversation.
Dr. Evil: Kids these days!
Rufus: Now back to our talk.
Rufus: I want to show you something.
Rufus: My Neo-Midgars will infest the earth. This machine will expand Shin-Ra's profits and
territory.
Rufus: Pick a city, any city.
Dr. Evil: New York.
Rufus' face has a joyful grin. He pushes the button on his chair and the button was labeled
"Reactor Builder". Then a large screen is shown which displays a widescreen view of
Time's Square in New York.
Time's Square-New York, NY
A average day about 2:00 PM eastern standard time. The bustling urban jungle is busy as it always been
with high volumes of traffic and the usaul car accident. Then suddenly a large plate covers the city, people
run out of their homes. Meanwhile at a baseball game the grass in the field dies instantly.
Announcer: Now batting, Derick Geter.
The crowd cheers for him.
Geter: The grass died. Hm, it's not gonna effect my game.
The pitcher is winding up and hits the batter in the head.
Geter: Agh!
Geter falls over while the people stare at the large plate.
The crowd and the away team look up at what was once the sky. The people in New York are coughing
because of the suffocating exhaust of the Mako reactor. A 9 year old boy runs to his father. The look of his
face is filled with awe and terror.
The father and son are at Central Park playing basketball. The child drops the basketball.
Kid: What happened to the sky? (Cough!)
Dad: ...
Int-Meeting Room
Meanwhile New York is being transformed into another Midgar, Rufus and Dr. Evil laugh.
Dr. Evil: Amazing device!!
Rufus: It is isn't it? After we kill Tifa and Cloud we will continue with this. The people of the universe will
bow down to us!
Rufus looks at a galatic map. He points at Baghdad, Iraq which will be Rufus' second target.
The intercom rings and Rufus' answers it.
Ocerot: The execution is starting up we are about to start.
I think you two should come.
Rufus: Alright.
Rufus and Dr. Evil walk out the of the meeting room and enter the hallway.
Dr. Evil: Have you ever noticed that the security system was deactivated?
Rufus: Deactivated... is that good?
Dr. Evil: Oh well, the guards will take care of blondy and the cancer stick.
Rufus and Dr. Evil enter the executon room with other villians. The torture room is filled with all sorts of
torture devices like a pirana tank for example. Tifa is constrained on the execution table which a robotic arm
hangs above. The villians stand when Rufus and Dr. Evil enter the room.
Rufus picks up a microphone from the command console.
Rufus: How your feeling Miss Lockheart?
Tifa: You Shin-Ra bastards!
Rufus: Start the execution!
Tifa: What? No you can't! Cloud Help!
Ocerot pushes a button on the console which moves the robotic arm towards Tifa.
She yells for anyone to help and struggles with the bondings on her arms and legs.
The first drop acid drops on the edge of the table. It instantly melts the table.
Ocerot: Ha-Ha-Ha!
Scarlet: Kya hahahaha!
Rufus: Heh-Heh-Heh!
Dr. Evil: Ha!
Reno: Take that you bitch!
Rude: What?!
Elena: Yeah!
Liquid: Neyahh!
Tifa: No, I can't die now!(crying)
During Tifa's execution starts Snake and Cloud break out of their cells and find their weapons.
Snake picks up his SOCOM and FA-MAS. While Cloud picks up his two gloves, Cid's spear,
and Cloud's own buster sword.
Solid: Hurry!
Snake raises up his pistol and runs around the cell block. Cid comes out of his cell wondering what
happened.
Cid: What the fu-- WHO DARES TO BREAK MY SLEEP?!
Snake: Hurry?! Your free!
Cloud follows up with Snake. He throws the spear and the pilot catches it.
Snake: 19 more minutes!
He looks into his Soliton and reads the clock.
The three men run out of the cell block, but are faced with Shin-Ra's guards.
Guards: Halt!
Snake: How about some bullets shoved up your ass?
Solid Snake pulls out his FA-MAS and sprays the guards with bullets. The bloody bodies guards fall on the floor.
Cid and Cloud are surrrounded by another legion of guards.
Guards: Halt!
Cloud and Cid: Ice 3!
Cloud and Cid freeze all the soliders in their place and follow Snake to the elevator. The Fox-Hounder
looks at the clock again, it reads "18:01.26". Cloud pushes the elevator's up button. He rapidly pushes the
up button.
.
Cloud: Hurry up, you damn elevator!
Snake: Humph.
Cid borrows Snake's zippo to light up his cigerette.
Cid: (Cough) I'll go to the lobby and you take care of whoever your fighting. We'll meet up at the
Highwind and you two F***** don't forget!
Snake and Cloud: All right!
The door opens and Cloud pushes the button to the 68th floor. The lift goes up and the heroes await the
final confrontation.
Snake: So, you ready?
Cloud: Yup.
Cloud and Snake arm their weapons. Solid reloads his pistol while Cloud rearranges materia on his sword.
The elevator stops and chimes.
Cloud: Wer'e there, be prepared for the worst.
Snake: Yeah.
The sliding door opens up.
Snake and Cloud sneak outside the door of the execution room.
Snake takes out a flash grenade off his belt.
Rufus: Ha-Ha-Ha! Soon you will die!!
Tifa: Help! Agh!
All villains: Ha-Ha-Ha!
Solid Snake throws the flashbang into the donut box next to the command console.
Liquid looks at the donuts and tries pick one to eat. He doesn't know it's there.
Solid: This is going to be funny.
Snake and Cloud grin.
Cloud: Ha-Ha-Ha!
Liquid stares at the donuts, deciding which one to eat.
Liquid: The jelly cream or the danish?
Liquid: Hm...
The grenade explodes and bright flash of light blinds all the villains in the room. Snake puts on his night
vision goggles. He gives his infared goggles to Cloud.
Liquid: Nyahh, the donuts!
All the villians are twitching on the floor, wondering what happened.
Cloud walks to the door were Tifa's being tortured.
Cloud: I'm coming!
Cloud tries breaking the door with his sword, but it doesn't break.
Tifa's body lays above the robotic arm dropping acid. She screams
for Cloud. Cloud puts out his fists and casts fire, which melts the door.
The acid drops from the robotic hand. The green liquid
is falling. Tifa continues to yell for help, her face filled with fear.
Tifa: No, I am doomed!(crying)
Cloud runs towards her and breaks the cuffs on her arms and legs. He pushes Tifa away from the tray table.
The acid almost fell on her, but nearly missed by a millimeter. Cloud looks at Tifa and smiles. Solid looks
at the clock and it reads "10:01.22".
Snake: Hurry! Ten more fuckin' minutes!
Tifa: Just in time. I owe you one.
Cloud: How about now?
Cloud whipped the tears from Tifa's face. Cloud and Tifa kiss in a long embrace with Cloud's hand
touching Tifa's back and Tifa's hand touching Cloud's.
Snake: Damn, you sluts can fuck each other when home! Hurry! Nine more minutes!
Tifa and Cloud: Okay.
All the villains wake up, and Dr. Evil stands up.
Dr. Evil: Huh? What happened?
Liquid: I think my brother and Cloud rescued Tifa.
Rufus: Damn it, my, I mean our plan is ruined!
Reno: My nuts!
Rude: Shut up about your nuts.
Rude kicks Reno in the nuts.
Reno: Agh!!!
Scarlet: That stuck up bitch! She's gone!
Liquid: I am going in to the HIND. Who wants to be the gunner?
Rufus: Heh Heh Heh, those goody too shoes will get a taste of our Mako missiles!
Liquid and Rufus walk into the elevator and go into the hanger bay. The heroes find their passage to the
parking garage blocked by Rude and Reno.
Rude: Let's go kick some ass!
Reno: Ugh... my nuts!
Rude and Reno pull out their HK-5s and fire at Snake, Cloud and Tifa. The bullets bounce off and ruin the Shin-
Ra halls. Snake pulls out the Nikita. The three hide next to a wall.
Snake: Let's see how they like this!
The missile fires and it is being maneuvered by Snake's finger on the control pad on the launcher. The
small missile increases speed and goes towards Reno and Rude.
Reno: What the--
Rude: See ya!
Rude runs away from the missile. While Reno just stands next to the exit.
Reno: Oh shit!
Reno: Wait!
The missile explodes and the debris explode unto Reno's face. His face covered with blood.
Reno: Agh, my contacts they're hurting my eyes!
Reno cries on the floor, banging his feet on the floor like a spoiled child.
Snake and Cloud: What a wuss!
Tifa: (to Cloud) Who's that?
Cloud: Oh, Snake. He was going to rescue us; then he got captured.
Tifa walks into the garage first. She walks at a careful pace, but then Elena tackles Tifa.
Elena: Take that, you slut!
Tifa: Payback time for the that time in the beach!
The two start in a cat-fight, which stirs up the dust and causes a massive dust cloud. Tifa uppercuts Elena
and she falls on the ground.
Elena: Ugh!
Snake: ...
Cloud: You go girl!
Elena stands up and charges at Tifa, who gets knocked to the ground. Elena pulls out a needle filled with
poison.
Elena: You're a goner!
Tifa: Beat Rush!
Cloud: (to Snake) She's screwed.
Snake: Heh-Heh-Heh.
Tifa punches with a left hook, a right hook, and a uppercut into Elena's face.
She falls on the floor unconscious. The toxic needle breaks and falls on the ground.
Cloud: Which car?
Snake: The Hum-Vee!
Tifa: I'll drive.
Cloud: All right.
Snake: (mumbling)I never get to drive... Damn, I'm the gunner.
The three heroes jump into the Hum-Vee. Cloud in the passenger seat, Tifa as the driver ,and Snake the
gunner. The car starts and zooms out of the exit and into Sector 8's upper plate. The car sways back and
forth. They are being pursued by foot solders.
Solder: Halt, step away from the vehicle.
Snake: Yeah, sure!
Snake fires the M-60, which is implanted on the Hum-Vee, and fires at the soldiers. They fall down like
flies.
Then Tifa pats Snake in the back.
Tifa: Can we borrow your four grenades?
Snake: Sure.
Snake hands Tifa and Cloud grenades.
Cloud: Why can't I just use my sword?
Tifa: I don't know... Just don't use it!
Tifa whacks Cloud in the head.
Cloud: Ah-ah-ah!
Tifa drives to the highway, which is about 10 miles long. Oh no, a HIND-D appears! Tifa presses the gas to
get away from it. Liquid Snake speaks.
Liquid: You can run, but you can't hide! Nyahh!
Rufus: You will all die!
Cockpit-HIND-D
A communications message is heard from the radio.
Dr. Evil: We're finished! We can't process with the Midgar plan!
Dr. Evil: Ta-Ta!
Rufus sees a blue jump gate which transports Ocerot, Dr. Evil and Scott back to Earth. Scarlet just sits in
the execution room.
Scarlet: (singing) Three blind mice, three blind mice...
Scarlet: Hey wait for me!
She runs into the jump gate.
Liquid: It's just you and me now!
Rufus:(mumbles) My comrades, my company and my money! Launching the Mako missiles! Ha-Ha-Ha,
you will all pay!
Snake: Crap, not again! No more HIND's, damnit!
Cloud: Oh no, a helicopter! Can't this thing go any faster?!
Tifa: Nope.
Cloud: What do you wanna do when we get out of here?
Tifa: How 'bout another date?
Tifa focuses on the road.
Cloud: All right.
Tifa: What you were gonna ask before we got captured?
Cloud: Uhm, I'll tell you later when we get out of here.
Cloud: If--
Tifa: Don't be so negative, Cloud.
The missiles hit the Hum-Vee and cause the jeep to skid off the road.
Cloud,Tifa,and Snake: Ouch!
Tifa steers the car to the right so it will go back on the road. The rear tires popped and sparks ignite on the
Midgar streets.
Tifa: I am losing traction!
Rufus: You're finished! Give up, or die!
Rufus aims his HUD at the Hum-Vee, knowing one more shot will destroy the battered, black jeep.
The missiles lock on.
Liquid: Nyah, now die!
Solid Snake aims his missile at the Hind, but misses.
Snake: Damn!
Tifa: We're running out of road! The door!
Cloud: I got an idea.
Cloud opens up the window and throws a couple of pineapples at the door. The door cracks.
Cloud: There now, crash into the wall.
Tifa: I hope this car is strong enough.
The HIND-D looms closer to the jeep, aiming it's gatling guns. Rufus sees a Shin-Ra Inc. billboard.
Rufus: Watch out!
Liquid: What?!--Nyah!
The HIND-D crashes into the billboard exploding in a huge fireball. The debris is scattered around the
town square. Luckily, Liquid and Rufus parachute with some cuts and bruises.
Liquid: The rudder wasn't working!
Rufus: What the man at Lester's military palace said it was in working order!
Liquid: You fool! Don't ever go there. Once I got empty shotgun shells there! Were you reading the label?!
Rufus: I didn't know what it said-it was in Russian.
Liquid: Nyah, you're the president of this world and you don't even know how to read Russian!
Liquid chokes Rufus to death while our heroes escape from Midgar. The Hum-Vee stops and the three
fighters get out of the car.
The Highwind looms above, decending slowly.
Cid: Hey!
Barett: Yo!
Vincent: Mm.
Yuffie: Hallo~!
Cait Sith: Tra-la-la-la!
Cid: WOULD YOU GUYS SHUT-UP?!
Barett, Vincent, Yuffie and Cait Sith: Okay.
Cloud: (to Tifa) About I was about to gonna say...
Tifa: What?
Cloud: Oh, shit, I forgot.
Tifa: Oh, that's ok.
Tifa: About that date?
Cloud: Where do you wanna go?
Tifa: Hm... let's goto that condo in Costa de Sol... (winks a Cloud)
Cloud: (blushing) Sure!
Snake speaks into his codec.
Snake: Ok, mission completed. Charlie, pick me up. Open the warp whole.
Snake: Oh, I guess it's time to go home. Nice workin' with you Cloud.
I need to know something.
Barett: Why don't you stay fo'?
Snake: No thanks, I really want to know somethin' on the other side.
Cid: Oh, your zippo!
Cid throws Solid's zippo back to him.
Cloud and Tifa wave bye to Solid Snake.
Snake enters the warp hole back to Earth.
The FF7 crew go to the Highwind and back to Costa del sol.
Liquid and Rufus walk in the field, and are pist at each other. They start walking to Kalm.
Liquid: Man, I'm stuck here with you! An idiot!
Rufus: Shut up, we're going to Kalm.
Rufus and Liquid walk into the sunset, together.
(Start any music that is related to gay men.)
THE END
Epilouge
2 months later...
FOX-HOUND HQ, Afternoon
Snake: Hi.
Cambell: Here's your creator, Hideo Kojima.
Kojima: Oh, hello. (dropping his coffee on his new shirt)
Kojima: Agh!!! Water! Bring water! AGH!!! (runs around flapping his shirt)
Snake: That guy's the one who cloned me?
Cambell: No, he created the game based around your life.
Snake: Oh. Then who's my real creator?
Kojima:(Returning from the men's bathroom) Dr. C. Smith. He died about a year ago. Colonel Cambell was
going to tell you, but your nanomachinces batteries were out. He tried to get you out of the Genome project
and he treated you like you were his own son so you do have a "family."
Snake: So I really did have a family?!
Cambell: Well sorry, he died. You couldn't do anything.
Snake: ...
Casa Del Sol Time 5:00 MST (Midgar Standard Time AKA Mystery Science Theater)
Cloud and Tifa look at the shoreline. Seagulls flying and tourists.
