| BTW - This is graffiti done to my home... by kids. |
| WOW. I mean what do you say? I was quiet. "I got an anonymous phone call, and they said that they saw you kissing a guy, in public, and they thought I should know." (Turned out to be my landlord, I find out YEARS later) "So is it true?" -SILENCE- "yes" The next three hours were the worst in my life. I was told I was dead to her. I was going to hell. I ruined her reason for living, cause seeing me in heaven was her only incentive for living. We cried. We yelled. I was a mess. I began smoking the next day when I couldn't quit crying, and I had my first anxiety attack. Not a good excuse, but better than slitting my wrists, which I considered briefly. It is really difficult to tell you exactly what I felt and went thru for the next couple of years. I recieved Bible verses and highlighted BIBLES from my mom. I had no conversation with her that didn't end in crying and yelling. The only people I had to tell me I was ok, and to make me feel like I was really human was my friends. They became my family to me, and if it hadn't been for people like Karolyn Fencl, Tim Eyster, and J.T. and Jerry, and Pearl and Kim and everyone else who was with me and in the LGBA at my college. I'm sure some you are probably struggling with why this should impact me so much. But I was CLOSE to my mother. She was the only person who had made me feel VALID growing up. She was my self esteem in a lot of ways, supporting my acting, telling me I was talented, and looking at me with love (if not knowledge) and to have that GONE in a quick storm of emotions was disabling to me. This time in my life would be the greatest source of both weakness and strength for me. |
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