I never had much strength to begin with.  What I mistook for strength was nothing more than sheer naiveté and foolishness.  From the beginning it was slowly taken away from me.  Perhaps it is futile to think that I am a victim of my circumstances.  My existence, regardless of what it may be, is the reality that I have forged for myself.  Despite which way I decide to go, it brings with it only further loss and grief.....and in an attempt to find some sort of balance, I realize that in the end it is only the sacrifice of my self that will accomplish this.  And with this realization, I know now that this road ends very shortly.  There were so many hopes for the simple joys of life, because the best memories are created in the most ordinary of times.  And it is that hope that I took with me…like a little child venturing out and seeing the world with new eyes.   I had nothing but an overabundance of love for every person in my life, but at times that is simply not enough.  At this point, I have run out of words and there is really nothing more left to say.  Time and again I find myself dwelling on the same losses and grief, unable to move ahead...and it is selfish for me to always feel that way, for there are demands on myself not my own.....

 

Love only knows humility and sorrow.

 

 

 

I was walking along,

Just like this,

And I thought I had found my destiny.

I stopped here....

I waited.....

But to no avail.

What I could never bring myself to say,

The world is saying for me.

Those words,

Which have the power to heal,

Are now simply a weight on my very soul.

For where I sit and wait,

No one chooses to sit with me.

Instead,

I only hear the taunts of the world,

Hollow words that offer no support…

And thus,

My story is born.

A story of hope,

Dreams,

Joy,

Love....

Words spilling out....

Thoughts spilling out....

My heart spilling out....

And waiting here the day turns to night

And I wonder if emancipation will ever come.

One by one the lamps that shone so brightly

Are being extinguished....

Memories of the past always linger in some form,

Never quite taking shape –

Yet never disappearing either.

Thoughts of what could have been shed dark clouds,

And simple desires that others take for granted

Have now become mere fantasies for me,

For I realize they will never take form. 

In some way,

They will always remain,

But slowly they begin to fade in the fog of time.

The laughter,

The voices,

The faces....

One by one they seem to taper off in my mind.

There is nothing left to revive those memories,

Nor will there ever be.

And in the process,

I’ve lost a part of myself to these memories,

And what little remained has now been taken by my reality,

And now I have nothing left to give.

Even these mirrors,

Which have never been particularly kind to me,

Now mock my forlorn gaze,

As if to tell me that even this youth I hold on to so dearly

Will one day betray me.

The beauty and love I thought lay in my heart

Has not been sufficient to carry me until now,

And will not be enough

Once the sands of time pass by my way.

I feel myself slipping away from myself,

Torn between different existences,

Not knowing who I am anymore,

Without a voice to express myself,

And no prayer to offer either,

For I have transgressed too far –

Too far from the boundaries of faith....

My prayers must be falling to unheard ears.

I hear in the distance someone calling my name,

The echoes waft to attentive ears....

The sights and sounds of lands unknown

But the road to reach that destination is impassable.

It is thus that the words begin to cease from my pen.

And instead are written with the tears of a troubled soul.

But even those tears,

The sole companion in this lonely existence,

Cease to comfort me.

And it is with this pathos laden heart

I look ahead into the fog of the new dawn –

I know that at this point only fate can write my story.

My part is over,

Though it was never mine to begin with.

My role was only to relate the story

Of those lines that crease the folds of my hands.

Now I can no longer decipher those mysteries,

Nor do I have the strength to try.....

 

And thus,

I now end this story.