You see the true persona of people when you happen to catch them when they are unaware they are being observed.

Today I feel like I saw something very real. I am on vacation at a ski resort in Colorado. Contrary to the perception this creates I am not a sports enthusiast nor do I have admirable athletic abilities. However, there is something to be said for being so isolated in nature and there is definitely a thrill when going down one of the hills even if it is a small one. It’s a rush and makes me feel alive in a way that is hard to feel sitting behind a computer 75% of my waking life.

I returned from one such thrill ride this evening. I fell a little more than usual and if you have ever been skiing you know that it’s very difficult to fall and then simply get back up again. The skis themselves are very awkward and the only way I have discovered to right myself again is to take them off and put them back on again. It’s a slow process and even slower being an amateur.

If you asked me to explain why I felt thus I don’t know that I would have a good answer. I have a decent job and I don’t love it but I don’t hate it either. I am single and even though I am somewhat lonely it’s not of the consuming kind. I happen to be vacationing alone at the moment but some friends are expected to meet me in a couple days. I had vacation days left so it was either take them and go alone or lose them; I chose the few days of peace away from the office. I think it’s just that I am ready for change in life but I am not sure how to go about making it happen. It causes a certain restlessness that is difficult to shake. Taking a hot shower and unwinding in front of the fireplace with a cup of hot chocolate and my current read seemed to be the perfect way to end the night. I’m not so well off that I can afford a room that has all of these kinds of luxuries so I instead have to settle for the couch in the common room of the lodge. Even though it’s not private I think it’s still nice to be around other people even if not interacting directly with them. I hadn’t gotten very far into my book when out of the corner of my eye I saw a couple outside. The snow on the ground reflected the moonlight almost giving an ethereal glow to the handsome faces that were smiling onto one another. They were probably not much older than me. They did not seem to be dressed for a long excursion in the winter night so it was probably just a temporary escape into the dreamy night. As I was making these observations I saw him raise one hand into the air, and with fingers sheltered in a dark leather glove, he began to play an imaginary piano in the air. He gave a look of mock seriousness to his girlfriend and she laughingly offered a hand to him and they began to dance, footsteps making small movements in the snow as they kept close to one another for warmth. It was almost picture-perfect.

This however was not the final focus of my attention. After I looked away from the couple my gaze fell upon a pretty lady also lounging near me. She had been writing in a notebook and her pen was still poised in mid-air but the expression her face spoke volumes. It was a combination of longing, envy, and hope all at once – and upon seeing it I recognized it immediately. Having been there once I knew exactly what it was like to feel that way. Something began to pull at a corner of my heart, awakening a feeling I thought had gone away for good. It was like looking in a mirror because it would require some pretty expert skill to hide your emotions from even yourself. I had never identified that emotion in myself but there it was staring me in the face.

She looked back down at her notebook and she must have thought no one was looking because I saw her eyes filling up and a tear proceeded to fall down one side of her face…and more followed. After a few moments she seemed to fall out of her reverie and wiped her eyes on a napkin and I politely looked away so as not to intrude on her private emotions. I turned back to my book but had a hard time concentrating. The couple from outside had long since retired inside. My mind had been opened to so many emotions, both old and new, that I periodically turned away from my book to just gaze outside upon the stars and the romanticism they seemed to bring upon all of us that evening. I ended up passing time doodling on the scrap of paper that was my bookmark and watching the stars in the clear night sky.

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I have kept journals since I was a teenager. I’ve told these blank pages so many foolish stories and shared so many deep secrets that now it seems that I can’t clear my thoughts unless I write. Every once in a while I feel like I need to escape alone and go somewhere where I know nothing from my daily life will touch me. That’s how I ended up in the lounge of a ski lodge in Colorado. My Mom always likes to tell me that my excursions are an excuse not to socialize and avoid dating after my divorce. It has been two years but every wound seems so fresh after I basically came to realize my husband at the time had basically stopped loving me as a person and was simply trying to mold me into his ideal trophy wife. My career and interests no longer mattered if they fell outside of the appearance he wanted to portray of his life as a high profile lawyer complemented by his pretty young wife. Tonight, for what seemed like the millionth time, I was telling my journal that love did not exist anymore.

I think that some times fate likes to play tricks on people. Before getting too far into my venting of the night I chanced to observe something that seemed to shatter my whole angry façade in just a few moments.

Outside, under the stars, a young couple was standing close to one another. While watching I saw him raise a hand into the air and play the first few imaginary notes of a song and like the typical woman that I am, I found my eyes automatically searching his hand for a ring though there was no way to tell because of the glove. He then offered a hand to the girl who happily accepted and they proceeded to dance to their own special tune. It was like looking at one of those little holiday snow globes that people like to give as gifts. Some of the fancier ones these days even had their own music, just like the music these folks seemed to have created for themselves. Every young girl dreams a fairy tale romance and here was a manifestation of that kind of sentiment right before my eyes. It’s not that I had never felt those emotions; I just sensed something so pure about their love that I felt that I had never really experienced it.

I turned back to my journal, shocked and numb and didn’t even realize I was crying until I saw the ink blurring on the page in front of me. I quickly dabbed my eyes before anyone saw me in this state; I was in a public place after all. My train of thought had taken a U-turn now. No longer was I bitter and angry; now I was just sad and lonely. I yearned to feel that innocent and happy again but it seemed impossible given that I had been hurt so badly. Maybe it was just a matter of meeting the right person or giving myself time to heal. I wish I could go back into time and recapture those emotions again.

After letting out all of these feelings I decided it was time to call it a night. I folded the throw I had taken off the back of the couch and returned it to the same place. As I was about to walk off I saw a guy on the couch opposite me. So consumed in my thoughts, I hadn’t even noticed how long he had been sitting there. Upon looking a little more closely I realized he was sleeping – he must have fallen asleep at some point. A wave of relief passed over me; maybe he hadn’t seen me crying. Even though he was a complete stranger I didn’t like the idea of him thinking I was weak - that is one of the purposes of the journal.

While sleeping he was without any kind of self-imposed facades and what I saw on his face was pure innocence and peace – exactly the kinds of feelings I wished I could rekindle in my soul. In gazing at him I realized that if I were to fall in love again it would be with someone who was able to make me feel that I was seeing his true self just as I glimpsing such a facet of this gentleman’s personality as he lay sleeping before me. Overcome with fondness for this stranger I went back for the throw I had just folded. I arranged it over his legs and over his hands that were folded on his chest over a book that had obviously not held his attention. Before I left though, I saw his bookmark under one of his hands. On it, he had drawn out a rough night sky and underneath the sky a rough sketch of two hands holding each other with a rose clasped in the middle.

I was beginning to feel a sense of hope stirring in my soul.