Women Jokes!

Q: Why are hangovers better than women? A: Hangovers will go away!

Q: How do you know when a women's about to say something smart? A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."

Q: What's the worst part of getting a sex change from male to female? A: When they remove half the brain.

Q: How do you fix a woman's watch? A: You don't...there's a clock on the oven!

Q: Why do men pass gas more than women? A: Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Q: What do you do when your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you? A: You make the chain shorter.

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer? A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

Q: What do you do if your wife strays 10 feet from the kitchen? A: Show her the way back, she must be lost.

Q: What do you do if your wife strays 10 feet from the kitchen? A: Shoot the bitch, she's getting away

Q: What does WIFE stand for? A: Washing Ironing F*cking Etc.

Q: What do a woman and a toilet bowl have in common? A: Without the hole, they're useless.

Q: Why are a woman's cootch hole and butt hole so close together? A: So men can carry them like a sixpack.

Q: What's the definition of a woman? A: Life support for a vagina.

Q: Why are woman smarter during sex? A: They have a genius plugged into them.

Q: How many men does it take to mop the floor? A: None, it's a woman's job.

Q: What do ya do when your wife tells you to replace a lightbulb? A: Screw the bitch, she can do the dishes in the dark.

Q: How are women like a postage stamps? A: You lick 'em, stick 'em, and send them away.

Q: How are women like floor tiles? A: You lay 'em once and walk all over them the rest of your life.

Q: What's the extra skin around the vagina called? A: The woman.

Q: Why do women get periods? A: They deserve them.

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up? A: They don't have balls.

Q: Why do women have orgasms? A: It gives them something to moan about.

Q: How are women like bowling balls? A: You finger them, throw 'em down the gutter, and they come back for more...

Q: How do you know if a ship is being captained by a feminist? A: If the ship starts to sink, she shouts out, "Women the lifeboats!!" and she orders all of the ship's toilet seats nailed down to stop any incoming water.

Q: What is the difference between a terrorist and a PMS woman? A: You can negotiate with the terrorist.

Q: Why did the woman cross the road? A: Who cares? What the hell was she doing out of the kitchen?!!

Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig? A: A woman that won't do what she's told.

Q: Why do women change their minds so often? A: To keep them clean.

Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q: Besides "I love you", what three words does a wife want to hear most? A: "I'll fix it."

Q: What do you do if your dishwasher stops working? A: You slap her.

Q: What do you say to a woman with two black eyes? A: Nothing, you already told her twice.

Q: What is the difference between a brick and a woman? A: A brick doesn't follow you around after you lay it.

Q: What do woman and spaghetti have in common? A: they both squirm when you eat them.

Q: Why do women wear white on their wedding day? A: So they will match the stove and fridge!

Q: Why do they call it PMS? A: Because Mad Cow disease was already taken.

Q: Why do women fake orgasms? A: They think we care.

Q: Did you here they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? A: Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.

Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men? A: So they can stand closer to the sink.

Q: What's the worst part of getting a sex change from male to female? A: When they remove half the brain.

Q: Did you here that they discovered that there are female hormones in beer? A: Yeah, apparently they had 100 guys each drink 10 pints of beer. They all started running their mouths and driving lousy.

Q: Why do men die before their wives? A: They want to.

Q: How is a woman like a laxative? A: They both irritate the crap out of you.

Q: Why were shopping carts invented? A: To teach women to walk on their hind legs.

Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? A: The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

Q: Do you know what it means when you come home to a little affection, a little tenderness, and a little sympathy? A: It means you're in the wrong house.

Q: How do men define a 50/50 relationship? A: She cooks/I eat; she cleans/I dirty; she irons/I wrinkle.

Q: What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business? A: 1.No mind. 2.No business.

Q: Why do women have arms? A: Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?

Q: If your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you, what have you usually done wrong? A: Made her chain too long.

Q: What do you call a woman with half a brain? A: Gifted.

Q: Why do Japanese Sumo Wrestlers shave their legs? A: So you can tell them apart from the feminists.

Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? A: Divorced.

Q: How are women like paper cups? A: Both are disposable.

Q: Why do women like intelligent men? A: Opposites attract.

Q: What do you call a woman who has lost her mind? A: A widow.

Q: What do you call a man who loses 150 lbs of useless fat? A: A divorcee!!

Q: How many women does it take to paint a wall? A: It depends on how hard you throw them.

Q: What's a mans idea of helping with housework? A: Lifting up his legs so the woman can vacuum.

Q: Why did God create women? A: Because a beer can't cook supper!

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I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.