Title: HSU - 'Tis the Season
Author: Emmy
Rating: STYD (Shop 'Til You Drop)
Timeline: After 'Just a Typical Sunday Morning'
Notes: This is just for silly fun. You all have to write you own special gifts that the General gives you. And don't be offended if I left out your EA. I just don't know how to write them all.

The General stepped out of the HSU Suburban, figuring as he did that he would need a vehicle with alot of loading power for an excursion such as this.

Deftly deflecting the looks from passers-by who frowned at the HSU logo glittering on the door with a brilliant smile and stance, he then reclaimed his game face, took several steps forward, and then paused to size up his adversary.

The Mall.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Santa baby, just slip a sable under the tree
For me
Been an awful good girl
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"So what are you getting the General for Christmas?" Ellie asked Kymira as they lounged in the pub.

"Dunno," Kymira responded.

"I know what I'm getting him," Jen Jen grinned.

"We know," Ellie and Kymira answered.

"What?" Jen Jen said.

Kymira rolled her eyes, "So what about you, El?"

"Uhhhh....not sure exactly," Ellie said as she munched on pretzels.

~*~

"You're a booger! You're a booger!"

The General scowled with disdain at the wild pair of children who ran completely unsupervised through the KayBee Toy Store. Perhaps buying a gift for Qui-Gon and Dande's baby really was a bit premature.

"Booger, booger, booger!"

"I'm telling Mom!"

"Booger, booger, booger!"

"Mom! Mom!"

"Booger, booger, boog--" the child suddenly tripped over something unseen and splatted on the floor.

The General smirked.

~*~

"So what are you getting the General?" Darry asked as she and Emmy yet again sat out on the bleachers next to the men constructing a tented sport court, Darry for obvious reasons, Emmy because she had nothing better to do.

"Stuff," Emmy said.

"What kind of stuff?" Darry asked.

"Stuff, stuff," Emmy said.

"No idea, huh?"

"Nope. None."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Santa baby, a '54 convertible too
Light blue
I'll wait up for you, dear
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

::Alright, Kenobi, you can do this:: the General mentally assured himself as he stood across the hallway and stared at the storefront. ::But it's so...pink:: that annoying little voice piped up. ::And hearts all over everything.:: The General eyed the store warily as he carefully stepped toward the door, trying not to be obvious about glancing at the larger than life picture of the supermodel in her Second Skin Satin.

::Just in and out:: he told himself. ::In and out. In and out. Stop that!:: He frowned at himself as he used his best stealthy attempts to enter the store.

"And how are you today?" the saleswoman gushed.

::Oh, terrific:: the General thought as he flashed her a perfect smile. "I'm very well, thank you."

"Shopping for your wife?" she asked, casting a casually obvious glance down to his left hand....but one that a man would be completely oblivious to.

"Uh...no," he answered hesitantly. ::Stay sharp, Kenobi.::

Her smile broadened. "Girlfriend?"

"Uh...yes," he answered, trying to determine how to refer to his shopping list without the saleswoman nosing in on it. ::You really should have done this online:: he chastised himself.

"Have you seen our new Body by Victoria line?" she asked, walking over to the half-mannequin wearing a tube top and posing almost identically next to it.

"Lovely," the General muttered with great disinterest as he turned and walked in a different direction.

"Oh, well...my name is Heidi, just let me know if you have any questions or need help with sizes."

"Thank you," the General said, examining a lovely purple silk and lace number that had Laure's name written all over it.

"We just got those in. Isn't it gorgeous?"

The General cast a sideways glance at Heidi, who still stood at his elbow.

And then he mind whammied her to go away and leave him alone while he grabbed the purple negligee off the rack and draped it over his arm.

::Now, let's see:: he thought. ::Emmy likes pretty underthings:: He looked around and walked to the next section of the store, honing in on a burgundy velvet bra. He poked at it carefully, being sure not to actually handle the cups in such a public place.

"Those are really beautiful. I'm sure she'd love one of those."

The General furrowed his brow as he turned his head and saw Heidi standing right behind him again.

"What size is she?" Heidi said with an I'm-getting-this-commission smile.

The General kept a cautious eye on her as he reached into his pocket and pulled out his Palm Pilot.

"Oh, what a great idea," Heidi chirped. "You have all her sizes stored on that?"

"Yes," the General said, opening the Excel spreadsheet and scrolling down until Emmy's name appeared.

"That's so sweet," Heidi fawned.

The General glanced up at Heidi and then back to his Palm Pilot, moving his stylus across the screen to the 'Bra' column. He then glanced down at the rack, smiling as he saw the correct size. "I'll take it," he said, grabbing it off the rack and hooking it over his arm with Laure's purple nightgown.

"We have matching panties for that, too," Heidi said as the General was already halfway to the register.

The General turned to see her waving burgundy velvet underwear in the air. ::You *insisted* on going to the mall:: he chided himself. He marched back over to her. "Great. I'll take them," he said, grabbing the panties and shoving them into the crook of his elbow.

"Well, what size do you need?" she asked.

The General looked down at his Palm Pilot, and then his eyes grew wide.

"What is her hip size?"

The General bit his lip. There was no 'Hip' column.

"How big is she compared to me?" Heidi asked.

The General arched his eyebrow at her. "She is not *big*."

"Oh, I didn't mean...here, let's try a medium. She can always bring them back if they're the wrong size," she said, pulling the small size out of his arm and draping a medium over his wrist. "So," she smiled again, "anything else?"

"No, thank you," he said, mentally calculating the number of shipping days he had left in order to complete that part of the shopping online.

~*~

"So what are you getting the General?" Tara asked.

"Ummm...." Kendra said.

"Something to do with water perhaps?"

"Ooohh yeeaahh."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Think of all the fun I've missed
Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed
Next year I could be just as good
If you'll check off my Christmas list
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The General smiled with confidence at the array of potential gift items in the Harry and David store.

"Good afternoon," the salesclerk said. "Would you like to try our Moose Munch?"

The General chuckled. "Moose Munch?"

"Yes," the clerk said, holding up a bowl. "It's caramel-coated popcorn, covered with chocolate. This one is dark chocolate," the clerk said, pointing to the bowl in her hand. "And this one is milk chocolate," she said, pointing to the bowl on the table next to her. "Try both if you like."

"Thank you," the General said, taking a sample of each, the smooth chocolate and caramel melting in his mouth as he crunched the large, crispy popcorn puffs. "Oh, that's very good."

"It makes a great gift," she said. "They're right over there on the wall."

"Thank you," the General said again, picking up a shopping basket. Walking over to the Moose Munch display, he grabbed a bag for Kendra. Then a bag for Ellie. One for Kymira. Jen Jen would probably like it. Darry. Emmy. Dorotea. Laure. Shana. Julia. Sere. Jael. Judith. ::Oh, what the heck:: he thought. Dande. Qui-Gon. Cal. ::General Maximus probably likes chocolate::

"It's a big seller," the clerk said. "Would you like another basket?"

The General looked down at his basket, and then tried to organize the bags of Moose Munch so it didn't look quite so full. "No, I have plenty of room here," he said.

"Would you like to try a sample of our chocolate fondue with a fresh strawberry?"

The General smiled. "Maybe I will need another basket."

~*~

Qui-Gon looked warily into the living room at the sound of his Wench sniffling. Maybe he was just imagining things.

Dande grabbed Kleenex and sniffled some more.

Qui-Gon moved quietly as he approached the sofa she was sitting on. Looking beyond her he could see the television. And she was watching....

101 Dalmations?

Dande sniffled again.

Qui-Gon looked out the window. Was there something he needed to work on out there?

Dande sniffled again.

Qui-Gon took a deep breath. "Dande?"

Dande lowered her head, quickly dabbing her eyes.

"Are you alright?"

"Yes, I'm fine. It's just...." big, perfect Wench tears welled up in her eyes.

"What is it?"

"The collie saved the puppies," Dande responded, heartfelt, near-joyful tears springing from her eyes.

"Ah. I see," Qui-Gon said. "I'll be outside fixing....something," he muttered as he turned around and headed toward the door.

"In the snow?" Dande said.

"Best time," he said, slipping quickly out the door.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Santa baby, I want a yacht and really thats not
Alot
Been an angel all year
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Hey, let's get her that!"

Pelham shot Xani a look.

"What?"

"You're not helping."

"What?!"

Pelham sighed as he pushed the offensive red plastic cart down the Target aisle in search of a January 'Modern Bride' magazine, per Dande's explicit instructions. "What will Dorotea do with a macramé plant hanger?"

Xani scrunched his face. "Is that what that is?"

~*~

::Ah, here we go:: the General thought, lugging the giant plastic sack full of Moose Munch and a hidden pink Victoria's Secret bag into the mammoth Barnes & Noble.

"Booger, booger, booger!"

"I am noooot!"

"Booger head! Booger head! Booger head!"

The General growled and charged to the music section at the other end of the store.

~*~

Maximus bowed his head politely at the passing ladies, giving all the gentlemen a friendly, "Sir. Sir. Sir."

He made two full circles through the G.I. Joe's store, becoming rather dismayed at not being able to find what he was looking for. He looked around at each department once more....Camping. Hunting. Fishing. Sporting Goods. Automotive. Apparel. Ski's and Snowboards.

It was definitely a toss-up between Hunting and Sporting Goods.

Something in the Hunting department catching his eye, Max made his way to the customer service area.

"How can I help you, sir?" the cheeky salesboy asked.

Max glanced down at the knives in the display case, smiling at his correct choice. "I'd like to see your swords, please."

"Huh?" the salesboy asked, scrunching his face up.

"Swords," Max said. "My Jael needs a fine sword."

"Uh....we don't have any swords," the salesboy said.

Max scowled.

"But we just got in a new shipment of gutting knives."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Santa honey, one little thing I really need
the deed
to a platinum mine
Santa Baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Ah-ha," the General said, exiting the music section and stuffing the bag full of CD's inside the Harry and David bag. He headed straight for the Harry Potter display, having remembered Jael's interest in the books.

The General smiled as he saw one lone Harry Potter calendar still gracing the display. He reached quickly for it....only to see finely manicure nails and a blinding diamond ring grabbing the other end.

"Excuse me," the woman said politely.

"Oh, it's no problem," the General said, trying to pull the calendar away from her.

"I said, excuse me!" she retorted, rather irritated.

The General frowned slightly as he played subtle tug of war with the calendar. ::I saw it first:: he thought.

"I believe I had it first," she huffed in a cool yuppie tone.

"MOM! He called me a booger again!"

The General glared at the woman.

"I asked you to be nice. Do you understand how stressful it is for Mommy when you fight? I'm just not going to be able to bring you here again," the woman said to her children in a voice wimpier than Barney's as they smacked each other with the 800-page Harry Potter tome. "Go look at the magazines. Mommy is busy," she added without letting go of the calendar. Then she huffed at the General. "Would you mind?"

"This calendar is mine," he said.

"This calendar is yours," she said.

"Now you're going to take your brat children home and leave the rest of us in peace."

"Now I'm going to take my brat children home and leave the rest of you in peace." The woman blinked at the General, let go of the calendar, and walked away.

The General smirked.

~*~

Qui-Gon slammed on the brakes as he headed back to campus from Home Depot buying whatever it was he needed to buy to get him out of the cottage and away from the sniffling. He sat in the middle of traffic casting dirty looks toward all the blaring horns. He looked again at the giant Petsmart logo. Then he quickly jumped the curb and pulled into the parking lot.

Marching into the store, he looked around briefly.

"Can I help you find something?"

"Yes," he said. "I want to purchase a collie."

The salesclerk gave him a look. "Sir, we don't sell dogs," she said in a tone that indicated he was the dumbest man on the planet.

"You don't understand. I want to purchase a collie," he said, waving his hand in front of the salesclerk.

"Fine. Good for you," she said. "There are the shelter ads."

Qui-Gon looked to the kiosk she was pointing to. He gave it a glance and turned back to her. "I don't want a poodle mix, I want a collie."

"I have customers to help," the salesclerk said, flapping her hand at him and walking away.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Santa cutie, and fill my stocking with a duplex
And checks
Sign your 'x' on the line
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"This makes a lovely gift."

"What is it?"

"It's a massage kit," the Body Shop clerk said. "The massage oil is heavenly. It has a lotion as well, along with a cute little pillow and sheet spray."

"Sheet spray?"

"Yes," she said. "You spray it on the sheets. It's aromatherapy to help bring on relaxation and pleasant dreams. Kind of a post-massage bliss."

"Sounds lovely."

"Oh, it is. I have one of these myself."

"I'll take thirty."

The clerk blinked. "Thirty?"

"Yes," the General said with a smile.

~*~

"Yes, I'd like to order the Time-Life 'Four Poster Beds Made Easy', please." Cic glanced over the television. "And do you also sell that bloomin' onion cooker? No? Hmmm. Okay then, just the book. My credit card number? Uhhhh....." He looked around quickly and then spotted Darry's purse. "Yeah, I've got it right here," he said, reaching for her wallet. "And could you ship that overnight? I have to get this bed made by next Thursday."

~*~

The General dragged the overloaded Harry and David plastic sack to the other end of the mall, a flash of inspiration striking him as he saw the Candy Barrel store out of the corner of his eye. ::Now something else for Kendra:: he thought.

"Excuse me," he said as he approached the counter. "I would like to buy some gummy candy."

"Gummy candy?" the boy at the register said.

"Yes, please."

"You want gummy fish?"

"Yes, the fish."

"Gummy worms? Gummy bears? Gummy kids? Gummy critters? Gummy Santas? Gummy Grinches?"

"Uh....two pounds of each, please," the General said.

The boy blinked at him.

"Is there a problem?"

"No," the boy said, grabbing his candy shovel.

~*~

"He's been gone a while," Shana said, eyeing the clock as she and Laure savored late afternoon coffee in the pub.

"Always a good sign, I'd say," Laure said with a smile.

"Cha-ching," Shana said with a cunning grin.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Come and trim my Christmas tree
With some decorations bought at Tiffany
I really do believe in you
Let's see if you believe in me
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Wow, somebody must have been very good this year," the Flickering Images saleswoman said as she peeked over the tower of pillar candles that the General stacked on the counter. "I think you cleaned me out of the Calming Energy line."

"They smell very nice, don't they?" he said, a self-satisfied smile plastered on his face. He had gotten the hang of this holiday business easier than he thought he would. All that was left for him to do was find a couple more pretty little items online, and his grrls would be all taken care of.

"I think I'd better double-up this bag here."

"Thank you."

~*~

"He's back," Kendra said with a grin.

"Oooh," Judy replied as she polished up the bar. "Did you get a good look at any of the bags?"

"No, 'fraid not. But they looked heavy."

Judy smiled. "Always a good sign."

~*~

The General exhaled with relief after finally lugging the two highly stretched out and overloaded bags up the stairs to his bedroom.

"Well, this all went surprisingly well," he said out loud to himself rather proudly.

He carefully removed all the items from the bags and laid them out on the bed to examine his bounty, a near-silly grin spreading across his face at the thought of his grrls' reactions to their gifts.

~*~

"What the hell am I supposed to do with this?" Dorotea asked, making a face as she untangled the macramé plant hanger.

"Use your imagination," Xani purred.

"He insisted," Pelham sighed with a shrug of his shoulders.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Santa Baby, forgot to mention one little thing
A ring
I don't mean on the phone
Santa Baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The General stood staring at his bed, arms folded and a look of great consternation on his face.

Before him were a stack of CD's, thirty-five bags of Moose Munch, thirty jars of chocolate fudge fondue, a Harry Potter calendar, thirty "massage kits" in cheap-looking plastic zip-up cases containing bottles of oil and lotion that would barely cover a midget's body, a purple nightgown, a burgundy velvet undergarment set, thirty candles, fourteen pounds of various gummy confections, and a 60-dollar 'Motorcycles in America' pictorial book for himself.

The General pouted.

"But it was all so heavy," he said despondently with a slight pout.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Hurry down the chimney tonight
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"One frosty Corellian Ale coming right up."

"Thank you," the General said with a grateful smile as Judy handed him the glass.

"So, did you get all your shopping done?" Judy asked.

The General plastered his hands to his face. "Not even close," he groaned. "I don't know how you people do this year after year after--"

"There, there," Judy said, taking his hand and massaging his palm and fingers. "Let's just work on getting rid of all this tension," she said, giving him a wolfish smile.

The General's expression perked up a bit. "Jacuzzi?" his tired muscles asked.

"Well....I'm not really a water Ho, but....."

The General leaned across the bar and gently pressed his nose to hers. "Let me try and persuade you then."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Hurry...tonight
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The End