Title: HSU: Marriage and Marketing
Authors: Darry and Dorotea
Disclaimer: Huh?
Rating: M for Matrimony
Author's notes: Thanks to Em for introducing Dor to Fluevog shoes. Hope you're feeling okay.
Timeline: After Do the Right Thing.

"And now we have something very special for you, just in time for the holidays. Are you tired of having to shop for videos at Target, not knowing if they'll be available in that format or even in stock? Even Amazon can run low. Well, apparently, there's a new video on the market that's a mix of Amazon and IMDb wrapped up together. It's called 'Video Library'. The suppliers, uh...Felix Video...didn't give us a lot to go on for background here, but we're reliably informed that it contains a list or index, if you will, of every film ever made that's currently available on video and/or DVD."

"Well, Janet, that sounds like a wonderful gift for the entertainment guru in your life."

"True, Edna. It's produced by...uh...Hestia State University, who I'm told have quite the reputation for professional audio-visual products."

"That's for sure," Sere said, glancing at the bar telly. "When did you have time to make that, then?" She sipped at her eggnog.

"Me?" Julia replied. "I thought you might have made it."

Judy discreetly refilled their glasses and moved onto the Generals' table.

"That's right, Janet. This one says ‘Hestia State Clinic Production Company'."

"Pppttthhhhhtttttt!" Sere and Julia spat their eggnog out in unison.

~*~

Xanatos walked into the Library, devlish grin and a pair of wire cutters in his hand.

Without looking up from the magazine she was reading she said, "Xani, go fix the Christmas lights right now."

Xanatos scoffed and plopped down on the sofa next to her and Pelham. "Why? It's a waste of electricity, it's tacky, it's unstylish!"

Pelham arched a brow. "I believe that the General did a most excellent job with the Christmas decorations."

Xanatos scowled at his lovers. "Bah humbug!"

"Scrooge," Dorotea stated flatly, flipping a page in the magazine.

"Ooh, that one is lovely," Pelham said, pointing at the picture of a very couture wedding dress.

"Yes, but she is pregnant, I think that would be a bit too form fitting. Why do they always show everything on sticks? Where are the real women?"

"What are you two reading?" Xanatos asked, pulling the magazine out of Dor's hands. He saw the title, 'American Wench Bride', and dropped the magazine as if it had just burst into flames.

Pelham and Dor snickered as Dor picked up the magazine and hit Xanatos over the head with it. "It won't hurt you, coward. Pelham is planning Dande's wedding."

"I am not a coward!" Xanatos protested. "I just don't like weddings, they're so, mundane, boring and a waste of time. Marriage doesn't mean anything. It's outdated, archaic. Wait, is she going to wear white? That would be worth a laugh at least."

"Oh, calm down. I wouldn't want to marry you anyway."

"Good!" Xanatos said. He ran his fingers through his hair and then looked over at Dor, who was still flipping through the magazine pages, her and Pelham making 'oohing' sounds at the dresses they liked. "Well, why not?"

"Why not, what?"

"Why wouldn't you want to marry me?"

Pelham and Dor both cracked up.

~*~

"Cic, we've had a few more orders. Can you ask the miners to send them off this afternoon?" Darry continued to squint through the camera.

"Certainly beloved. I have a question, though?"

Cic placed his hands on the Nurse's shoulders and looked into the camera.

"Uhhh-hmmmm?"

"If that first video we made is over and done and selling so well, why are we still filming."

"Ah, Cic, there's a new word we need to practice tonight."

"Hmmmmm...what's that?" Cic began chewing on Darry's earlobe.

"Sequel."

~*~

"WHAT?" Xanatos demanded as Pelham and Dor almost fell off the sofa they were laughing so hard.

"I don't even," Dor said through hysterical laughter, "know where to start. There are so many reasons!"

Xanatos stood up. "Name one!"

Dor stopped laughing and sighed. Men and their delicate egos. She rolled her eyes and said, "One, you don't want to marry me. Second, you would be a horrible husband and I would be a horrible wife. Third, you're a troublemaker. Fourth, you're unfaithful. Fifth, you're a hoodluml. Sixth, marriage is just a way of men controlling women. Seventh, you're insatiable, well, that can be a good thing, but --"

"That's enough. You're right, you would be a horrible wife," he said as he sat back down.

"What?"

Pelham cleared his throat. "I think we have discussed this enough."

"I just want to know why he thinks I would be a horrible wife."

"Neither one of you believe in marriage, so I don't see whereas it matters," Pelham said carefully.

"It matters!" Xanatos and Dor said at the same time.

"Pelham, have you ever been married?" Xanatos asked after a long moment of Dorotea glaring at him.

Dor turned her face to Pelham who was suddenly very busy picking lint off of his suit jacket.

"YOU'RE MARRIED!" Dorotea screamed.

Pelham frowned. "It was over two hundred years ago, love. I'm quite sure she is deceased."

Dor's mouth fell open and Xanatos sniggered. Dor hit Xaniatos with the heavy Bride's magazine, then angrily stood up, glaring at Pelham. "Married is married!"

Pelham stood and took Dor's hand. "She's dead."

"Technically so are you! You were married when you died? Not divorced?

Pelham sighed heavily. "It was an arranged marriage. It was never about love, only financial and social considerations."

Xanatos continue snickering. "Welcome to my world, Pelham. Women are always upset about something."

Dor snatched her hand away from Pelham and kicked Xanatos. "I'm going for a walk. I'll be back later."

"She didn't even come to my hanging!"

~*~

The Nurse and Cic shook their heads at the video monitor. "Great!" scoffed the Nurse. "Now she's mad at Pelham. We're never gonna have enough XXX stuff for a holiday release!"

Cic nodded in agreement, his hands roaming over the Nurse.

Darry leaned back into Cic and then a grin spread across her face. "Ooh, wait! Xanatos is comforting Pelham."

Cic pushed the record button.

~*~

Emmy and Dande sat in the cottage in front of the perfectly color-coordinated Christmas tree looking at a brochure of bridesmaids dresses.

"Too poofy. And that pastel yellow and lilac? I don't think so."

Dande sighed delicately. Emmy had yet to like one of the dresses that Pelham had brought over brochures for. "It is 'my' wedding," she said.

"Oh, yeah, make it all about 'you'! If you get married in the winter, you can't expect us to wear pastels!"

Before the Wench had a chance to answer, Dor stomped in. "He's married!" She exclaimed, snatching a cookie off a shiny silver tray and stuffing it in her mouth.

"Qui-Gon?" Dande asked, feeling a hormonal attack coming on.

"NO! Pelham."

Dande let out a long breath. "Ah."

"So?" Emmy scoffed.

Dor glared at the Diva. "What do you mean, so?"

"Who is he married to?" The Wench asked, leaning in, anxiously awaiting some dish. "A woman?"

Dor rolled her eyes. "Of course a woman! It was before he died."

"So?" Emmy repeated, frowning at all the poofy, puffy, pastel gowns in the brochure.

"Well, dear," Dande said soothingly, using her counselor voice. "If it was before he died, it doesn't matter now, does it?"

"It matters. He's a married man, it's creepy!"

Dande lifted a perfectly tweezed brow. "It bothers you that he was married, but it doesn't bother you that he was a corpse in a coffin for two hundred years?"

"You don't have a lot of room to talk. Remember that barbeque that was well attended by the Jedi Council?" Dor sneered.

Emmy tried to hide a grin behind her hand.

Dande gasped, her hand protectively covering her rounded belly.

Dor stood up, grabbing a handful of cookies. "Never mind. I'm gonna go talk to someone who will understand." She looked down at the brochure of bridesmaid's dresses. "Those are horrible! Not even Laure would like one of these! I'll remind Pelham we're Ho's, not Barbie dolls!"

"Please do," Emmy said.

Dande fanned herself lightly. She just hoped they managed to get the wedding planned before the baby came.

~*~

Dor stalked across campus, not watching where she was going she ran straight into the Other General. Max was examining a stripped wire on the Christmas lights. "Sabatoge," he said seriously.

Dor cleared her throat. "I can't imagine who would do that!" She exclaimed, reminding herself to hit Xanatos again when she got back to the Library.

Max shook his head. "Disgraceful. After General Kenobi worked so hard --"

"Yeah, yeah, it's a heartbreaker. Hey, you were married, right?"

Max nodded. "Yes, I was, long ago."

"But now you're happy with Jael, right? So it doesn't matter that you were married before? Because your wife is dead."

"Yes, I'm very happy with Jael. She is a glorious warrior and --"

"Yeah, yeah, thanks. See ya later."

Max shook his head at the departing Librarian and went back to investigating the sabatoge.

~*~

"I'm sure that during the last weeks of her confinement, my little Wishpuff would love to watch videos. I'll get her this index video and then she can tell me which movies she wants," said Qui, reaching for the phone.

~*~

Dor sat down at the bar. "Eggnog and Maker's Mark, please Judy," she asked.

"Here you go," said Judy as she poured a shot of Maker's Mark into a glass of eggnog.

Dor grabbed the Maker's Mark bottle. "I'll keep this."

Judy sighed. "You wenchy types are prone to drinking a bit much, aren't you?"

Dor frowned, then spotted Logan drinking beer at a table with Ellie. Dor grabbed her drink and still holding the bottle walked over and slid into the booth across from them.

"What's up?" Asked Ellie in a cheerful tone.

Dor ignored her and asked Logan, "What do you think of marriage?"

Logan choked on his beer and Ellie's eyes narrowed. "What?" she asked as Logan sputtered.

Logan swallowed. "Eh, why do you ask?" He asked, nervously glancing at Ellie unhappy face.

"Is it something that should be forever? I mean, say you were married to Ellie," at that Ellie and Logan both choked. "And you were, say, hanged and resurrected two hundred years later. Technically, even though Ellie would be dead, aren't you still married to her? Shouldn't you still be faithful?"

Ellie and Logan exchanged a confused look. Logan carefully reached for Dor's bottle of Maker's Mark. "I think you've had enough."

Dor tightened her grip on the bottle and stood up. "Never mind!"

"Most wedding vows just say 'until death do you part', so I think it would be okay --" Ellie explained.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Dor muttered as she left the bar still carrying the glass of eggnog and bottle.

"Hey! Bring back my glass!" Judy yelled after her to no avail.

~*~

"Maybe this will help Dorotea feel better; after all, she loves movies," thought Pelham, reaching for Xani's credit card. "Maybe this index has some of those obscure gothic films she likes so much."

~*~

Dor didn't bother knocking on the clinic door, she just walked in. "Cover yourselves," she said as emptied the rest of the eggnog out of the glass and filled it with straight Maker's Mark.

Cic and Darry quickly turned the monitor around so Dor couldn't see the screen. Cic smiled politely at the Librarian and the Nurse bellowed, "Haven't you heard of knocking?"

Dor slumped down in a chair. "I have a problem!" she protested.

The Nurse frowned. "Haven't finished your Christmas shopping yet?"

Dor took a swig out of the glass. "Oh, great! Two problems!"

The Nurse waved at a stack of boxed appliances. "You can take those and give them out for Christmas and who cares if Pelham was married before he died? Problems solved, bye."

"How did you know?"

"Um, I heard it through the wall. Cheap walls."

"They are not," protested Cic, until he caught the Nurse's look. "Yes, cheap walls."

"It doesn't matter, does it?" Dor asked.

"No, it doesn't. So get over it."

"I just wish he would have mentioned it. As if Xanatos doesn't keep enough secrets from me, I need Pelham doing it too."

"Well, it was a long time ago, maybe it just slipped his mind."

Dor frowned.

"Just go talk to him! Then make up."

~*~

Dor walked into the Library to find Pelham brushing Rowan's fur while she purred at him. Xanatos was engrossed in a game of Elf Bowling and didn't even look up.

Dor sunk down into the sofa next to Pelham. "Wow. She always scratches me when I try to brush her."

"You just have to have the right touch," Pelham said quietly.

Dor nodded, fidgeting, while they sat in silence as Pelham continued brushing the kitten.

Xanatos broke the silence. "YES! I rock! Mrs. Claus is MINE!" He turned to Dor. "So is your tantrum over, brat?"

Pelham sighed and shook his head. Dor grabbed the cat brush away from Pelham and launched it at Xanatos. "Who are you calling brat, you common vandal!"

Xanatos dodged the brush. "See, too tempermental to mar --"

"I think what Xanatos meant was are you still distressed, m'lady?" Pelham interrupted quickly.

Dor huffed, her lower lip jutting out. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Pelham opened his mouth to speak but Xanatos snorted with laughter and said, "Because he's smart enough to know you'd be completely irrational about it, just like you were about that little fling I had with Laure."

Dor stood up and spun toward Xani, jabbing his chest angrily with her finger. "Since you brought it up -- WHY. THE. HELL. DID. YOU. KEEP. SLEEPING. WITH. HER. AFTER. YOU. KNEW. I. WAS. HURT. AND. UPSET?"

Rowan scurried off Pelham's lap to hide and Pelham just shook his head and sighed heavily, reaching for his brandy glass.

"WHOA!" Xanatos exclaimed. "No, no, no! You're mad at him, remember? He's the one who is married and didn't even bother to tell you!"

Dor glared at both of them and then grinned. "I can be mad at both of you. I still have the do-good--- I mean, General!"

"Oh yeah?" Scoffed Xanatos. "Well, we still have each other," he said as the Librarian stormed out of the Library, slamming the door behind her.

Pelham stood and shook his head at Xanatos. "I think not. I'm going to shop for another appropriate apology gift for Lady Dorotea."

"You're so whipped, Pelham."

Pelham arched a brow as he pulled out his Range Rover keys from his pocket. "You're driving," he said to Xanatos, tossing the keys at the greysider and walking away.

Xanatos caught the keys and leaned over to shut down the computer.

"Now."

"I'm coming," Xanatos said as he ran to catch up with Pelham, leaving the computer on.

~*~

Dor walked up to Kendra's desk. "I need to see the General right now," seeing the look on secretary's face she quickly added, "please."

Kendra sighed and tapped on the computer. "You haven't shown for an appointment in over a week," she said with a slightly disapproving tone.

"Well, that just gives the General a bit of breathing space and extra time for grateful Ho's, doesn't it?"

Kendra sighed and said, "Well, it just happens to be your appointment time for today -- I was getting ready to give it away --"

"Yeah, yeah, thanks," Dor said as she walked into the General's office.

"Dorotea, always a nice surpr-- always good to see you," the black-clad General said, scooting his chair back as Dor sat down on the edge of his desk directly in front of him.

"How do you feel about marriage, Obi-Wan?" She asked.

"Um, well, I feel, hmm...," Obi-Wan struggled, trying to read Dor's meaning, so he wouldn't upset her. He looked up at her worried face and almost-doe-eyes. He took a deep breath and put his hand on her leg, patting her in what he hoped was a soothing matter. "Dorotea, are you upset about Qui-Gon marrying Dande?" He asked, his voice full of concern.

Dor furrowed her brows. "What?"

"I know you used to be, um, 'with' him, so to speak..."

Dor laughed, waving her hand. "No, no, no! I'm thrilled for Dande and Qui! I was just wondering how you felt about marriage as a...a institution."

"Oh!" The General said, obviously relieved. "Well, I've been institutionalized before and once was enough!" He joked.

Dor nodded, grinning. "Yep, that's how I feel about it to. Not that I've ever been institutionalized, well, not in a straight-jacket ---"

~*~

"Darry, can I come down now? I need to ask a question!" Cic called from the Clinic quarters.

"Uh...not just yet, sweetie; I'm still wrapping your present!" Darry called back. "Now tell me again how this mix-up began," Darry asked Laure while wrapping Commo's foot in plaster-soaked bandages. "Emmy was very cagey...and confused."

"Ot-nay in ont-fray of the EA-ay," Laure sang as she strolled around the Clinic looking into jars. "The last thing he needs is to hear about that misunderstanding and encourage the real thing...at least for the moment." Then she wondered if she should have used Pig Latin. Maybe she should have used Pig Chinese or something...

"But he started it all. ‘Course that might make a nice Christmas pressie. I mean what else could a ruler want than an heir?"

"You're getting me an heir for this holiday?" Commo swung around and faced the mediator, unwrapping half his foot.

"Oy, sire," Darry snapped. "This way, or I'll crack you upside the head."

"She said hair, darling. I thought I'd get you some Rogaine," Laure waffled.

"Huh?" Darry said.

"You dare to lay a hand on my royal person?" Commo accused the Nurse.

"Don't go there, dearest," Laure warned. "She'll win." Darry's fingernails sparked.

"I'm not scared of you. I've been threatened before and faced greater peril. Why, my own family once conspired against me...busy bees that they were."

"Oh, here we go again," Laure sighed, eyeing a bottle of medicinal rubbing alcohol. "You don't say..." said Darry through clenched teeth.

"It was horrible. But I showed them all," continued Commo, oblivious to the attempts by both women to change the subject.

"Yes, yes," said Laure, trying to make shushing motions to her emperor.

"In one night, I had all of my enemies compatriots done away with."

"Right," said Darry, unceremoniously shoving Commo off the exam table, while he fell in a royal heap. "We're done here."

"You dare to lay hands on me—" Commo interjected.

"I'm gonna zap your laurels into broiled sprouts if you don't shut up in a moment," Darry said, taking off her gloves and apron. "It's a walking cast," she said. "No getting it wet and no complaining for the next month."

"Thanks," grumbled Laure.

"Does this mean Laure must bathe me?" Commo said.

"Sure, fine, whatever," Darry said, already halfway up the stairs.

~*~

Dor left the General's office feeling much better. She may not have boinked him, but she certainly didn't intend to let Pelham or Xanatos know that. Of course, Xanatos could probably tell that she hadn't. Damn midichlorians. She walked into the Library to find it empty except for Rowan sleeping on the keyboard to Xanatos' laptop. Dor picked up the kitten. "Fur is not good for computers, baby." She glanced at the screensaver on the computer, it was a collage of photos of her, Xanatos and Pelham. She gave a resigned sigh. "Why can't I stay mad at them?"

Rowan meowed.

"Yes, they are cute. I wonder where they are?"

~*~

"Now you know what they say about playing with fire, grrls," the General warned.

He watched, as Kendra and Tara were decorating the office with scented candles. Tara surreptitiously held one up toward the ceiling.

Pzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzztttttttttttttttttttttttt

The building sprinkler system kicked into action.

"No, what do they say?" Kendra said, advancing on an increasingly wet General.

~*~   Xanatos and Pelham walked through the bustling mall, Xanatos loaded down with bags and packages, Pelham with nothing but a brass walking stick.

"I think we have enough gifts to get the good make-up sex now, let's go home," Xanatos said.

"You only bought things for yourself."

"That's okay, we'll just say the gifts you bought for Dor are from both of us."

~*~

"Darn it," cursed Jael, scrolling down on her laptop. "I knew I should have ordered this sooner."

"What's the matter?" Ky asked, passing Max's tent with JenJen, Ethan, and Quintus in tow.

"I wanted to get Max a copy of ‘Ben Hur' for Christmas, but I can't find it anywhere," Jael complained.

"Here, have a look at this," Jen Jen responded, handing Jael a tape. They all crammed into the tent and made themselves comfortable. "I got it for free for spending $100 on my last Pink Banana order."

"What is it?" Ethan asked, fiddling with the large screen TV the miners had installed as part of the Legion's winterizing efforts.

"Some video catalogue. Has a list of every film ever made and where you can find it and in what format."

"Sounds cool," Kymira said, settling herself on a fur. Let's look up all those great old gladiator classics.

Jael picked up the video remote and hit "play".

~*~

Dor sat in the Library, snuggled between Xanatos and Pelham. "I love these Fluevog Angel boots, Pelham," she said, looking at her shiny new boots that were resting on Xanatos' legs.

Dor kissed Pelham on the cheek.

"I paid for them," Xanatos said.

Dor sat up and kissed him too. "Thank you. Is that Video Library tape ready to go?" She asked.

Xanatos hit the play button on the remote. "Yes it is."

"OH MY GOD! That's us!" Dor exclaimed.

"We look good," Pelham said.

"I wonder how much Dar is making off this. We should get a cut," Xanatos said, grinning as he watched the video.

Dor disentangeled herself from Xanatos and Pelham, "I wish I had my spellbook! Then I could show that porno-queen!"

Xanatos and Pelham exchanged a dubious look behind the Librarian's back. "Yes, pet," they said, turning their attention back to the video.

Dor spun around and her eyes caught on something in the wall of the Library. A very small hole. "Oh. My. God."

"Yes, that was a good move, wasn't it? Shall we try that again, Pelham?"

"There is a camera in the wall! They're still videotaping us!"

Pelham and Xanatos looked nonplussed at this news.

"I'm going to go have a word with her!"

"Tell her we want at least 50% of the net."

"Tell her my right side is my best."

Dor shook her head and stomped next door to the Clinic. She found the door locked and began banging it. Hard.

Finally a disgruntled Nurse wearing a silk robe opened the door. "We're closed!. Did you three decide to play vampire again?" She asked handing Dor two boxes of Bandaids. "Xani can heal --"

"Why is there a camera in the wall?" Dor asked angrily.

"Oh, that."

"Yes, that!"

"Voyeurism and profits?"

"I want it gone! NOW!"

The Nurse rolled her eyes. "Cic will take care of it tomorrow. It's not on right now anyway."

Dor nodded, then a thought occurred to her. "And don't let Cic knock down the wall!"

"Sure, fine, whatever."

Dor paused again. "How much money?"

Dar grinned. "Enough to buy lots and lots of Fluevog shoes."

"Okay, it can stay. But we want 60% of the net and Pelham says his right side is his good side."

"Deal."

"And no selling it locally! I wouldn't want anyone around here to know what goes on in the Library!"

THE END