Title: HSU, Making a List and Checking it Twice
Author: Dorotea
Rating: S for Scrooge
Timeline: After "It's Not a Wonderful Life"
Author's Notes: I really wanted to write a silly Christmas shopping fic, but my issues got in the way. Hopefully since I'm still snowed in, I'll have time for a shopping/Xmas party fic too. The lyrics are from the Pogues, 'Fairytale of New York'.

"You scumbag, you maggot
You cheap lousy faggot
Happy Christmas your arse
I pray God it's our last"

Darry tapped on the Library wall. "Pelham, did you get the luggage?"

"Yes, I found a lovely Hermes leather garment bag. But I believe that Lady Dorotea is becoming suspicious."

"So? Let her. When she was doing Giles, she tried to pawn you off on me! She's just being pissy now."
  
"I know, but she's not speaking to me --"

"Pelham why are you talking to a wall?"

"Um, Xanatos, I was just --"

"Tell him to go play Elf Bowling!"

"Hey, Dar, I'd rather play with --"

"Shut up, or you won't have anything to play with at all!"

"I can tell by the hostility in your voice how frustrated you are without me."

"Xanatos, please go play Elf Bowling, we're trying to keep this discreet."

"Everyone on campus knows! Judy and Qui have a pool going on when Dor is going to throw you out, when Dar will take you in, how badly Cic will hurt you, and what date you'll crawl back to Dor."

The Nurse moaned. "It is impossible to plan a discreet holiday affair on this freakin' campus!"

"What, love?" Cic asked as he walked into the Clinic, covered in sawdust.

"Oh, just trying to get all the details for our holiday perfect."

The sound of Xanatos laughing was quickly muffled by a stirring redintion of "Oi to the World" on the organ.

~*~

Dor looked down at her list of things to do. '1. Reformat all the Library computers.'
"Done," she said with a small smile. "Now maybe Xani will worship and adore me properly...or at least go alpha..."

'She glanced at the list again -- '2. Kick out Pelham.' Dor sighed. That was a hard one. She looked out of her office, maybe she was just being paranoid...why was Pelham's face actually somewhat rosy and Xanatos laughing at the wall?

Dor stomped out of her office and over to her lovers. "What is going on here?"

Xanatos shrugged. "Just talking about ideas for holiday gifts for you, pet."

Pelham stopped playing the organ and turned to Dor, turning doe eyes on her. "Love, it --"

Dor cringed at the doe eyes. 'Just a ploy, just a ploy', she reminded herself. "Out! I want you out now!" She said to Pelham, thinking that Emmy had actually been right, that was simple.

Pelham sighed and stood up. "Love, let me explain --"

"No."

Xanatos wrapped his arms around the angry Librarian. "Now, Dor, don't overreact. You can learn to share."

"WHAT?" She screamed, pushing Xanatos away. "I don't like sharing. I've never liked sharing. I'm too selfish to share!"

Xanatos nodded. "Yes, but -- it isn't the end of the world. Must we endure another of your over-dramatic tantrums?"

The Librarian glared at Xanatos and a cold smile spread across her face. "No, you don't. I'm going out," she turned to Pelham and stabbed him in the chest with her finger. "You pack," she turned back to Xanatos, who had a wary look on his face, recognizing the grim smile on Dor's face. "You can just attempt to play Elf Bowling."

"What do you mean, attempt?" Xanatos called after the Librarian.

~*~

Dande was sitting in her office, listening to Cal whine about his fear of Latin women, flipping through the latest issue of 'Modern Bride'.

"Yes, I understand."

Cal whined more.

"That must have been terrible for you."

Cal continued, whimpering a bit.

"Ooh, that dress might work, that is the most beautiful shade of ivory. I mean, yes, how did that make you feel?"

Dor barged into the office. "OUT!" She screamed at Cal.

Cal whimpered and ran out, "Laure!"

Dande looked up from the magazine. "Dor! Thank you! Come in, sit, have some tea, you look vexed."

Dor slumped down on the chintz sofa, hugging one of the throw pillows to her chest. "Do you have anything with alcohol in it?"

"No, dear. Drinking will not make your problems go away --"

"No, but it will make me too drunk to care about my problems!"

Dande sighed and patted her belly. This was might take a while, she better call Em and cancel her and Obi-Wan's appointment.

~*~

Jen walked into the Library with several boxes of Holiday decorations, if her Master was going to act like a Scrooge, she would decorate the Library herself. "A little bit of help, please?" She called out to Pelham and Xanatos.

Pelham was packing books of poetry into a leather carry-on. "Sorry, Lady Jen, I don't do manual labor."

Xanatos was frantically typing and cursing at a computer. "None of them work! That brat has sabatoged them all! Where does she get these evil ideas from?"

Jen shook her head and lugged the boxes over to the desk, she would never understand her Master's taste in men.

~*~

"Come on, Ellie where did you hide all the Holiday videos?" Kendra pleaded with her roomie.

"I'm not telling! They give me nightmares!" Ellie stated. "You should've seen it, Emmy working the drive-through, the General was walking the beat as police officer --"

Kendra just shook her head. Maybe Ellie needed a vacation.

~*~

Tara and Laure walked through the aisles of Target, looking for the perfect gift for the General.

"Maybe we should try the Mall next," Laure said as she tossed two pair of men's silk Grinch Christmas boxers in the cart.

Tara nodded. "Good pla --" she started, then she froze, her eyes fixed on the perfect gift for the General, a Super Blaster 2000 water blaster, on clearance, even.

Laure sighed. "You know if you try to use that outside, the water will freeze."

"We'll only use it in the bedroom."

~*~

Emmy put down the phone and practically skipped to the General's office. "Good news," she called as she entered his office. "Dor is having a crisis, so Dande had to cancel our appointment."

The General quickly hit the alt tab buttons on his computer to hide his game of Elf Bowling. "Thank the Force. But if Dor is having a crisis, perhaps I should talk to her --"

Emmy scoffed. "She'll be fine! She just upset about Darry's upcoming holiday. And apparently she has issues with all the cheerfulness and brightness of Christmas."

"Ah," said the General furrowing his brow in that adorable way he always did when he was confused, but didn't want to show it. "Yes, well, we will all miss the Nurse very much. And all the activity of the holidays can be stressful."

"Exactly. Now, what should we do with this extra time?" The Diva asked, sliding onto the General's lap.

"Have you been a good girl or a naughty girl?" The General smirked.

"Very naughty."

"Ooh, we'll just have to punish you then..." The General said with a michievious twinkle in his eyes.

~*~

Julia snapped a picture of the nobleman pulling his rolling leather bag out of the Library, looking rather displeased there wasn't someone to take it for him.

Sere gave small cheer. "We have to go tell Judy! I said she'd throw his lavender butt out today, I win the pool."

Julia grinned. "She'll take him back before Christmas. She's too much of a wench not to. Afterall she even took Xanatos back."

"It's just a matter of calculating the number of days it will take her to forgive him. Of course, the possibility of the Nurse taking him in and making him her proper EA has to be factored in. And rather or not Dor actually has Ellie shred her EA for Pelham. Or if he buys her a wonderful Christmas gift."

"To the bar then," said Julia. "We'll get the odds and see if we can come up with some extra Christmas shopping winnings!"

"Pelham is planning to run away on a Holiday with Darry. Xani would rather play Elf Bowling than be with me. He doesn't even seem to care that Pelham is abandoning us."

Dande nodded sympethetically. "Well, Dor, you do realize that just isn't a healthy relationship. Trying to maintain an extended three-way relationship is bound to fail."

"What is wrong with a three-way relationship?"

Dande put her hand over her rounded stomach, as if she didn't want Cara to hear the conversation. "It just isn't ---"

"The General is carrying on a 30-way relationship and I don't see you telling him that isn't healthy!"

Dande frowned a small, wenchy frown. "Dor, that is different! For one thing, he doesn't carry on with all thirty at the SAME time! Plus, the General isn't evil!"

"Xanatos is not evil! He's just...a bit grey."

"He doesn't give you the emotional support you need! You deserve someone better, who will treat you with respect and love. Say, Giles or the Croc Hunter?"

Dor sighed. "Well, I did think of dumping them both. But Emmy forbid me from dumping Xani. Not to mention it would make Laure too happy."

"Since when do you obey Emmy? Giles can give you the devotion and attention you need. And carefully monitor your meddling with magic. Or think of the fun and adventures you could have with Croc hunter!"

"I know, I know. But I love Xanatos. He treats me well. He is very lovi--"

Suddenly the door to the office flew open. "WHY. ARE. NONE. OF. THE. COMPUTERS. IN. THE. LIBRARY. WORKING?"

Dande almost fell backwards out of her chair at Xanatos' bellowing.

Dor was completely unphased and examined her black painted nails. "Hmm...I have no idea. I guess you'll have some free time to help Pelham pack now." She looked up and smiled innocently at Xanatos.

Xanatos growled and lunged at the Librarian. She tossed a pillow at him, and made a feeble attempt to get away. "You're going to go fix the computers, now."

Dande stood up and walked over to the sofa where Xanatos was now entangled with the Librarian and tapped the greysider politely on his shoulder. "Excuse me. We're in the middle of a session. You'll have to leave."

Xanatos sneered at the Wench. "We're both leaving, Dor does not need advice from an old geezer's over-done --"

Dor quickly covered Xanatos' mouth and said, "It's okay, Dande. I'll come back later."

Xanatos pulled the Librarian up off the sofa. "No, you won't. You're going to be busy."

Dor smiled. She'd have to remember to thank Emmy for all her wonderful advice. "I can't believe Emmy was right."

Dande shook her head as the groping couple departed, it was an almost impressive display of alpha behavior, but the greysider made her skin crawl with negative Force energy. "I'll have to speak to Emmy about giving out relationship advice, she's not qualified for that."

Qui-Gon entered the room carrying a Hershey's Pot of Gold. "Time for your afternoon chocolate, wishpuff," he said carefully feeding his fiancee a truffle.

"Thank you, Mastah," Dande said, bestowing a loving look on her soon-to-be husband.

~*~

Dor tossed restlessly in bed, sighing heavily. Rowan kept scurrying around the black velvet ducvet, attacking the Librarian's moving feet. Xanatos groaned and rolled over enfolding the Librarian in his embrace. "You're keeping me awake and not in a good way. What's with all the flopping about?"

"I just can't sleep. I just keep thinking about all that Christmas shopping I have to do. And did you see all those bright and cheerful decorations Jen put up? How am I supposed to work with all those creepy smiling Santas looking at me and that obnoxious tinsel? And Dande won't even let me babysit!" she added sulkily, burying her head in his ebony hair.

"Just order everyone Elf Bowling t-shirts, that's what I'm doing," feeling the Librarian tense against him he quickly added, "Except for you, pet. And why would you want to care for a sniveling, snotty, screaming Sithspawn anyway?"

"I don't really want to, I just want to be asked," she said petulantly as she shivered. "It seems rather drafty and cold without Pelham, doesn't it?"

Xanatos sighed. "If you miss him --"

"I don't miss him!"

"You miss him. I miss him. Let him come back."

"No! It's a matter of principle. I'm not going to take him back just so he can plan a sorrid affair with the Nurse right under my nose!"

"He's just going on a short holiday, I don't see why that is so --"

Dor pulled away from Xanatos. "Of course YOU wouldn't see what was wrong with it! Alley cats have more morals than you do!"

Rowan meowed loudly in agreement and swatted a paw across Xanatos' bare chest, claws extended. Xanatos yelped as the kitten drew blood.

"I'm not taking him back until I'm good and ready to take him back and if you don't watch it I'll toss you too! I am more important than Elf Bowling -- understand?" Dor continued ranting as Xanatos examined the scratches on his chest, aghast expression on his face.

"I'm bleeding!"

"GOOD!"

Xanatos gave the tempermental Librarian an imploring look. She frowned and grabbed a box of bandaids from the nightstand. She pulled out a large bandage and slapped it across Xanatos' chest. "All better," she said.

Xanatos pouted. "It still hurts."

Dor eyed his hard, pale body for a long moment, then slid back into the black silk sheets and kissed the greysider's bandaged chest. "Better?" She asked as she continued scattering kisses on his chest.

Xanatos moaned appreciatively. "Getting there, love."

~*~

Darry and Cic were snuggled under the covers. "I don't know why everyone keeps complaining about how cold it is," the Nurse mused. "I'm quite hot, myself."

"Yes, you are, love," Cic answered, pulling his love closer to him and nibbling on her neck.

Darry's phone started ringing to the tune of "Jingle Bells". She groaned and broke away. "I can't believe Ellie programed it to ring like that!" She exclaimed as she answered the phone. "What?"

"You are my moon, my stars, my shining sun..."

"Oh brother," the Nurse said, throwing the phone against the wall.

The End
I didn't shred my EA for LP, I'm just not speaking to him. Maybe if he comes up with a really awesome Christmas present for me...