Title: HSU - That Old Christmas Feeling
Author: Emmy and Dande
Rating: METALA (More Excitement than Any Laws Allow)
Timeline: After Dor's "Making a List and Checking it Twice"

The General smiled as he approached the Salvation Army bell ringer in front of the grocery store. His Ho's had told him all about this. Reaching into his pocket, he grabbed his spare change and dumped it into the bucket.

"Thank you, Sir," the bell ringer said jovially. "Happy holidays."

The General smiled. Perhaps the holiday spirit was finally sinking in.

::Now, about that chocolate sauce:: he thought as he entered the store. ::And the jalapeno chips:: he thought as he pondered a chocolate-covered grrl and snacking in front of the Niner game at the same time.

~*~

Dande woke up with a start and looked around the room. She gasped when she saw the clock. Ten in the morning! What was wrong with her sleeping so late? Where was her Mastah? Did he eat breakfast? Did he get his *own* breakfast? Oh NOOO! Would the Wench Counsel find out about this? Dande shook her head as she hurried out of bed and into the shower.

In the shower, water cascading over her, Dande wondered...::Will I ever see my feet again?::

Pulling her maternity girdle over her support hose, Dande mulled over the enormous list of things she had to do to get ready for both Cara's arrival and her wedding. It was enough to make her want to get back in bed, and eat grilled cheese sandwiches and drink Dr. Pepper.

Sighing as she tied the frumpy bow tie in the front of her mother-to-be blouse, the Wench knew what she had to do. She needed Ho power to get the job done! She needed a Maid of Honah!

~*~

"Nope.....no.....uh-uh.......hmmmm, nah......" Emmy said, flipping through several resumes in search of the interim medical staff. Sighing loudly she continued sifting through the photos - no resumes accepted without photos, of course - her mind wandering off again in search of the perfect idea for the General's Christmas present.

"Hello, gorgeous," she said as she pulled a lone photo out of the stack. A grin spread across her face. "Yes, you'll do nicely."

~*~

Dorotea awoke and reached over in the bed.

Nothing.

Opening her eyes and blinking a few times, she frowned.

"Pelham?" she said, looking around the room.

Nothing.

She laid back down for a few moments, awaiting his imminent return.

Nothing.

Then she pouted.

~*~

Qui-Gon checked the address against the piece of paper in his hands. Yes, this was the place Sere and Julia had sent him. He'd taken a long winding drive into the wilds of Estrogen County to find it, and for an alpha male, the wilds of Estrogen County were scary terrain indeed.

The place looked happy enough. A large old colonial home on about four acres. A big wooden sign in the shape of a collie graced the front entrance, with the name "Eastmoor Collies" painted on in loopy script. Beneath that, the text read "Yes Timmy, we've got a collie for you." Qui-Gon reached out with the Force, checking the aura of the place. ::Mayhem, playfulness, chaos in a good way:: OK, he'd go in.

~*~

Tara stared at the snow, willing it to turn to rain.

The General was a Jedi. Brave. Strong. Able to acclimate to adverse weather conditions.

Even so, freezing temperatures were a hindrance to water sports.

Sighing in defeat, she brushed the snow off her near-frozen hair and turned back toward the dorms.

And then she stopped.

It couldn't be.

Then she made a face.

It was.

Chicken noises.

Her face turning stern, she marched with purpose and clenched, locked and loaded fists. As the squawking increased in volume, her pace quickened.

Rounding a corner at the hedges, she found what she had been hunting.

And then she yelped and jumped back.

"Pelham," she gasped, staring with horror at the chicken atop a finely tailored lavender jacket.

~*~

Dande recognized the hesitant knock on her office door.

"Come in, Kendra. How are you dear?"

The nervous Water Ho walked in, fidgeting.

"Out with it, what is up?"

"Dande-I-think-maybe-kinda-Well I couldn't be-but-I don't know-It's all so odd. What do you think?"

Dande rubbed her temples. "Kendra, with all these hormones messing up my radar, I am afraid I can't use my counselor senses to probe your psyche right now. You are going to have to do this the old fashioned way and tell me what is going on."

"You mean...SAY it....out *loud??*"

"Yes, out loud."

"Well," The Ho hemmed and hawed. "I don't really know exactly. Lately I can't watch anything on TV without bursting into tears."

Dande nodded.

"I'll be sitting there, watching a kids show, and...all of a sudden.."

"A kids show??" Dande interrupted.

"Yes, like Disney for example, anyway.."

"Y-you mean, like...101 Dalmations?" Dande said, her voice rising.

"Sure, that would do it..I mean I start to weep."

"Kendra, are you late?" the Wench asked in a hushed whisper.

"I dunno, umm...I could be?"

"Don't you keep track of these things?" Dande asked in shock.

"Umm...Not...Really." The young Ho stammered. "I mean...what time is it anyway? I have a class at three, but it can't be later than half past one, can it?"

Dande broke out in laughter.

~*~

"Doctor Ross," Emmy said, extending her hand. "A pleasure to meet you."

"And you," he said with a wolfish smile.

::Hmmm, a little alpha:: the Diva thought. ::But that will work well for Dande:: "I'm so glad we could meet on short notice."

"Well, I just happened to be in the area," he said.

"Great," Emmy said. "Would you like to see our facility?"

"Of course."

"What the hell are you doing?"

Emmy whipped around to see an impatient mediator standing behind her. "Laure, I'd like you meet Doctor Doug Ross. I'm interviewing him for the interim medical staff position."

Laure glared at the Diva and then smiled quite pleasantly at the good doctor. "Hello. Nice to meet you." Then she glared at the Diva again.

"Let's go," Emmy said, leading the doctor down the hall.

"Would it kill her to be agreeable?" Laure muttered under her breath, marching into the pub with her empty coffee cup.

"Probably," Kymira said as she passed by.

~*~

A neatly dressed woman with a bouffant sat on a pretty floral couch covered with an old bedspread. Collie pups capered about everywhere. "Ok Mister....Jim, is it?"

"Jinn, Mast- ah, Mister Jinn. And you are?"

"Marjorie, Marjorie MacAlistar. It's Scottish, like the dogs."

"Pahdon?"

"Collies, Mister Jim, are a Scottish breed. Are you a Scotsman? You look Celtic."

Seeing a possible "in" Da Mastah improvised. He *was* a Mastah, after all.

"Why yes Miss MacAlistair, how did you guess? My ancestry traces back to Rob Roy."

Marjorie thudded.

~*~

"So when you said late, you really meant LATE!" Kendra exclaimed, finally understanding.

"Yes!" Dande said, wiping the tears of laughter from her eyes. "So, umm, when was your last period?"

"Last week. No worries about THAT! But, umm, what is wrong with me then?"

"Well, you've been coming here and talking to me a lot, right?"

"Yep, I get....excited easily."

"Of course dear, it's easy to do." Dande added soothingly.

"So, what are you getting at...exactly?"

"Erm, well..you have a lot of empathy, feeling for others, putting yourself in their place...so I.."

"Spit it out Wench!"

"Kendra, I think you are having sympathy mood swings."

"Whaaa?"

~*~

The General munched on jalapeno chips as he drove Darry's BMW back to campus.

Dande would probably have snacks for the game anyway.

Fiddling with the radio controls to try and tune in WHSU, the car began to swerve on the icy road.

Shoving the handful of chips into his mouth, he focused on the road, the car, and the Force until the Beemer slid back into a steady path.

Then he fiddled with the radio again, stopping when he finally heard music.

**Hit me baby one more time!**

"Damn Wankers," he grumbled, switching the radio off.

~*~

Qui-Gon watched two puppies playing tug of war with someone's bedroom slipper, growling and yipping playfully. A bold and happy tri-colored male bounded around him puppy barking and tugging at the bottom of his robes, making little puppy battle noises. ::Nice looking dog:: he thought.

"Well, we have a few questions we typically ask prospective collie owners before we let one of our puppies go, you understand. As a responsible breeder, I have a vested interest in my dogs."

"Of course, I admire your dedication." Qui-Gon answered, hoping to get home in time for the Giants game.

"Thank you Mr. Jinn, I'm sure we're going to get along fine. Do you believe in spaying/neutering your pet?"

"Why yes, I've no wish to take up collie breeding." Seeing the expression on her face he quickly answered, "Although I can see it's a very rewarding endeavor, I...umm....::think Jinn, think:: I am afraid I could not devote the time necessary to take care of a house full of these beautiful and intelligent animals. It would do them a great disservice, and I could not stand if they suffered from lack of attention. One dog, even two would be fine, but more than that...I am afraid I would not be able to make sure each one was as happy as you are able to make them. You really do have wonderful, healthy happy dogs."

"Why, Mr. Jinn, how sweet of you, and how well put!" Marjorie gushed.

"Ms. MacAlistar, I wonder if I could purchase that tri-colored male that was just here, he's very handsome and happy and.....

"Just a minute sir," she said, her tone getting business like. "We have a few more questions to go through. Where would you keep this dog?"

"In the cottage with my Wen-wife and I," Qui-Gon answered, being careful to use conventional Terran terms rather than HSU speak.

"I see, how much room do you have outside for a dog to run and play?"

"We live in the center of a very large English garden, there are acres and acres of woods, flowers and grass."

Marjorie nodded approvingly.

"So about that male over there..." Jinn began.

"Who is your vet?" She continued.

::A veteran at this, no doubt:: Qui-Gon thought.

"We don't have a vet yet, we haven't any animals....is that bad?" He asked orriedly as she frowned and began to scribble notes on a pad. Why did he feel he was in the head Mastah's office, and everything he said would be critical?

"Have you any references?"

"I got your name from Sere and Julia," the hippie added hopefully.

Marjorie nodded and began scribbling again.

Qui-Gon looked at a sable female pup sitting at his feet. She looked up at him....and made doe eyes. He picked her up and set her in his lap.

~*~

Kendra looked up at the disturbing noise, blinking her eyes in disbelief at the flurry of feathers walking in her door.

Then she blinked again.

"Tara?"

"Kendra! Look!" she exclaimed dumping the chicken onto the floor. "It's Pelham!"

"Huh??"

Tara untied the sleeves of the lavender jacket from around her waist. "Pelham!"

Kendra raised her eyebrows. "Okay, back up," she said. "Did you just bring a Princess into my office?"

"No! It's Pelham! Look, his jacket! I found the chicken on his jacket!" Tara said.

"Oh my God," Kendra said. "I knew Dor was mad at him....wait, I thought they were making up."

"I know! But who else would turn Pelham into a chicken?"

Kendra plunked down into her chair. "This is terrible."

~*~

"And here is the examination room as you can see," Emmy said, ducking from a flying phone.

"Nice facility," Dr. Ross said hesitantly as the phone from an unseen launching point crashed against the wall and fell to pieces on the floor.

"What the $#@& is going on?!" came an interruption from a steamed, robe-clad Nurse.

"Oh, just showing Doctor Ross here his new office," Emmy said casually.

"Listen, Diva," Darry said. "*I* work here. I'm just going on holiday."

"Yeah, whatever," Emmy said. Then she turned back to Dr. Ross. "As you can see, we are a fully modern facility."

"Out!" Darry said.

"Is this a bad time?" Dr. Ross asked.

"No, why?" Emmy asked as a purple lightning warning shot sizzled past her head. "Anyway," the Diva continued, completely nonplussed, "the most important aspect is that we have upgraded this Clinic to a birthing facility. All state-of-the art equipment."

"Are you deaf?!" the Nurse interjected.

"Huh?" Emmy said, glancing over her shoulder.

"Out!"

Emmy looked at the Nurse for a moment. Then she turned back to Dr. Ross. "So what do you think?"

~*~

"Um, no," Judy said as nicely as possible in light of the General's hopeful expression. "I needed chocolate *sticks*, not chocolate sauce," she said. "For the hot chocolate. As a garnish. But," she added quickly due to the General's furrowing brow, "I could make chocolate sticks from chocolate sauce...probably."

The General smiled. "That's alright," he said. "My mistake."

"I understand," Judy said. "I know how easily distracted you get at the mention of melting chocolate," she purred.

A naughty little grin spread across his face. "I could go back to the store and get the chocolate sticks."

"Later," Judy said, grabbing the chocolate sauce and pulling him into the stockroom.

~*~

Dande squared her shoulders as she prepared to enter the Diva's Den. What was she so skeered of? Emmy was her best friend! Emmy was the one who said she and Qui-Gon could move back in the first place! Emmy was the one who 'encouraged' him to propose to her!

"Who's afraid of the Big Bad Dean?" Dande said with a chuckle before pushing the door open.

Emmy looked up from her desk. She was *trying* to look busy. In reality, she was addressing her Christmas cards while avoiding calls from irate parents.

"Wenchie! How are you?"

"Ermmm..." Dande replied. Her nerve suddenly draining. ::Think Wench. Think:: she thought.

"Hello? McPreggers! Are you so hormonal you forgot why you're here?"

"Well......." Dande stammered. ::What to say?::

"Ah, did you want to get some lunch?" Emmy asked. It seemed like a probable thing, given Dande's appetite of late.

"Lunch! Yes! I am famished!" The Wench said happily, carried away at the thought of something to eat.

"Good, then lets go. I'm starv..."

"No."

"No?" the Diva asked, somewhat confused.

"That isn't why I came. Em, I wanna ask you a favor. Well, not a favor exactly, it's kinda more of a..."

"Dande, today?"

"Well, remember Ginsu? And how we stood together. Partners, comrades, counterparts...." This was sooo NOT going well.

"Ginsu!!! Is that bitch on campus??" Emmy asked, practically leaping from her chair.

"No, no no nooo. Em, I'm not handling this well. I'm sorry. You see, I know you don't particularly like Da Mastah..."

"Can't argue with you there."

"But you're my best friend and I wondered if...What I mean is....Would you consider...."

"Dande, look me in the eye and ask me to be your Maid of Honor already!"

"Emmy, would you be my Maid of Honor?"

"DUH! Now, lets get some lunch!"

Dande's stomach growled.

~*~

"Well, fine, just walk out on me after all," Dorotea said, still laying in bed, but pouting even more and crossing her arms.

~*~

"She what?" Laure said, beginning to rub her temples.

"Turned him into a chicken," Kendra said.

"Yeah, see," Tara said, dumping the fowl onto Laure's desk.

"Hey!" Laure said, jumping up from her chair. "Get that thing out of my office."

"Look, here's his jacket," Kendra said, holding it up for Laure to see.

"Out! Now!"

"But--"

"I don't care who this chicken is, get it out of my office!" Laure then dropped back into her chair and groaned as Tara and Kendra chased the overwrought chicken around the perimeter of her office.

~*~

"Ok, question number fifty-seven. Mr. Jinn...."

"Call me Qui-Gon, we've been talking for three hours."

"Qui-Gon, we're almost finished. Now, what was your mother's maiden name?"

Da Mastah vaguely wondered what the score of the Giant game was. ::Could the Redskins beat the spread?:: Judy would have it on the big screen TV right now. He sighed with exasperation. The doe eyed pup in his lap wagged her tail at him.

~*~

The General parked Darry's BMW in the grocery store parking lot and grabbed the list out of his pocket as he walked toward the front door, smiling at the bell ringer as he approached.

And then he realized that it was a different bell ringer.

A small rush of anxiety racing through him, the General tried to make some quick decisions. Should he just walk by? Strike up a conversation with the new bell ringer and happen to mention that he already gave money to the old bell ringer?

The General cast his glance away as the new bell ringer looked at him.

He was only a few steps away and out of spare change.

::I'll just get some change when I pay for the groceries:: he thought. After all, it was the season of giving.

~*~

"Na pumfy sleebs!" Emmy said around a bite of pomodoro.

"Pumfy what?" Dande asked.

Swallowing, Emmy repeated herself. "No puffy sleeves....Wish*puff*!"

"Emmy, are you going to be difficult?"

"Prombly," the Diva said, another forkful of food in her mouth.

Dande sighed, and ordered another cannoli.

"Dande, do you *really* want to wear white and have a big to do, and march down the aisle....like....that?" Emmy said, gesturing vaguely with her fork toward the Wenches belly.

"Sometimes I think I'd like a nice candlelight ceremony...simple, heart felt vows...a plain pale lilac taffeta gown, a bouquet of violets and white roses...."

"Yeah, fine, good. You wear...what you just said." Emmy said airily. "But what does your Maid of Honor wear in this scenario?"

Dande smirked "Well...."

~*~

"Dor!" Tara yelled, pounding on the library door. "Open up!"

Kendra began to pound on the door as well until they heard the lock click.

"WHAT?!" Dor yelled, squinting her eyes against the light.

"Explain this!" Tara yelled, tossing the hapless chicken into the Library.

"What are you doing?" Dor griped, jumping away from the squawking creature.

"Yeah, and this!" Kendra said, tossing Pelham's jacket at the Librarian.

"What is this supposed to mean?" Dor asked with annoyance.

"I found this chicken wearing Pelham's jacket," Tara said. "Or should I say, I found Pelham in chicken form wearing his own jacket," she added, her words clipped and uttered through clenched teeth.

Dor's eyes grew wide. She looked at the chicken, who was running in circles. Then she looked at the jacket in her hands. Then fury flashed across her face. "WHO DID THIS?!"

"I think we're lookin' at her," Tara said.

"How dare you accuse me of this! We just had great sex WITHOUT Xani!" Dor protested. Then she looked back down at the chicken, who was pecking at the leather binding of 'Great Expectations'. "Pelham," she said, with worry in her voice, kneeling down next to the chicken and trying to soothe it.

"That speaks volumes right there," Tara said.

"Wait," Kendra said, "I thought you found the chicken *on* the jacket, not *wearing* it."

"What's the difference?" Tara asked. "It's not like chickens have arms anyway."

~*~

"Okay, that'll be nine eighty-two."

The General looked into his wallet. He had ten dollars. That would leave him with 18 cents for the bell ringer. Sighing, he handed the cashier the ten-dollar bill.

He thought he had added properly in order to leave him with at least a whole dollar and some spare change.

Clenching the 18 cents in his hand and scooping up the grocery bag with the other, he mulled over his options while hearing the bell outside.

As he stepped out the door, a clever plan hit him.

The bell ringer would never know how much change he actually dropped into the bucket, especially if he kept his hand covering the coins when he dropped them in.

Yes, it was a good plan.

He put on a smile and approached the bell ringer, reaching out toward the bucket.

"Here Sir, I'll take that for you," the bell ringer said.

"What?" the General said with surprise.

"I'll take the money for you," the bell ringer said, extending her hand.

The General gulped.

It seemed highly unethical to use the Force against the mind of a Salvation Army bell ringer.

The bell ringer stuck her hand out a little farther in a rather insistent manner.

The General sighed and opened his hand, placing the 18 cents in the bell ringer's hand.

She looked at him. Then she looked at that shiny new BMW he drove up in. Then she looked at him again.

The General winced and hurried toward the car.

~*~

Qui-Gon smiled smugly to himself. ::Heh, it's good to be Da Mastah," he thought as he headed home, two collie pups wrestling in the front seat of his Jeep Cherokee. The sable female yipped when the male bit her a bit too roughly in the ears.

"Freddie! Be gentle with Daphne, she's not as strong or rough as you are." He said, pointing at the boy dog for emphasis. Freddie whimpered and looked contrite. Daphne made big soft eyes and thumped her tail.

Adorable dogs. No wonder his wench liked them. He *did* feel some pangs of guilt for whammying Marjorie. "Blast it, she was bloody nosy," he muttered.

Fred and Daphne started to play tug of war with his tunic sash.

~*~

"I swear, I'll find who did this to you," Dorotea said, clutching the chicken as it wriggled madly in her grasp. The chicken clucked loudly and Dorotea tried to rock it in her arms.

"Whoever did this ends up in the swamp. No talking me down this time," Xani said.

"What are we going to do?" she said, holding a purple scrunchie in front of the chicken to try and calm it. The chicken started to peck at the scrunchie and Dorotea's hand. "Ow!" she yelled, dropping the bird onto the floor. "Oh, sorry, sorry," she said, chasing after it while Xani paced back and forth.

"What on Earth are you two doing?"

Dorotea and Xani spun around to find Pelham standing in the doorway.

"Pelham!" Dorotea shouted, running over to him with the chicken in her arms.

Xani started to laugh hysterically.

"But...." Dorotea said.

"Why is that fowl in here?" Pelham sniffed.

"Tara and Kendra......well, Tara......she found the chicken wearing your jacket," Dorotea said.

"*My* jacket," Pelham said with great offense.

"I thought somebody had turned you into a chicken," she pouted.

"Of course not," Pelham said. "I took a ride with that Doctor Jones fellow to the market center in order to buy you Christmas gifts."

"Really?" Dor asked, still clinging to the chicken.

Pelham smiled. "Yes, really." Then his smile faded. "Which jacket was this chicken wearing?"

"That one," Dorotea said, pointing to it hanging from a chair and all pecked at the sleeves.

"Oh, I was wondering what happened to that. No matter. It's very out of date," he said. "You should see the smart looks coming out of France these days."

Dorotea tossed the chicken over her shoulder as it squawked loudly. In synch, she and Xani stalked toward Pelham.

~*~

Da Mastah strode up to the cottage, Fred in one arm, Daphnie in the other. Fred chewed his fingers. Daphne licked his hand.

Dande opened the door to greet the Big Man, crying and shouting happily, "Emmy agreed to be my Maid of Honor! Isn't that great and.........COLLIES!!"

Dande really started crying with joy.

"My mom used to breed them!" she said as Fred leapt to her arms, licking her face. "They were such an integral part of my childhood. Mac, do you know what it means to me that Cara will share that memory?"

Qui-Gon smiled and gently put Daphne down. He took Fred from Dande's grip and placed him on the stoop. Taking his Wench in his arms, he whispered in her ear. "I knew they were important to you. I hope they cheer you up. I love you, Wishpuff."

Eyes glittering with happy tears, Dande kissed her Mastah within an inch of his life.

::Finally:: Jinn thought. ::Something's gone right!::

~*~

"Geez, what's everybody so bunched up about?" Emmy said as the Board gathered in the conference room.

"You brought my damn replacement into the Clinic while I was still there!" Darry said. "And I don't need a replacement because I'm not leaving!"

"He's not replacing you, replacing you," Emmy said.

"Well, what do you call it then?" Laure asked.

"Good planning," Emmy said, sitting forward in her seat.

"Emmy," the General said, "don't you think this was just a little bit rash?"

"I aint birthin' no baby!" Emmy said.

"Actually, I think it's Dande who will be doing the birthing," Shana said.

"There is a hospital in town," Laure said. Then she looked at the General. "You really need to do something about her."

"Excuse me?" Emmy said.

"Please," the General said. "There's no need to fight about this."

"Oh yes there is," Emmy said.

"She's trying to kick me out before I even leave," Darry said.

"Yeah," Emmy said. "I mean, Darry's right, we need to fight about this."

"Listen," the General said.

"Are you gonna patch up Cal every time he runs in bleeding?" Emmy asked. "Or you??" she asked, looking at Laure.

"You know, with Darry gone he may not be injured quite so often," Shana offered.

"Thank you," Darry said. "So tell this doctor of yours to take a hike."

"And what happens if Dande goes into labor while you're gone?" Emmy said.

"That's what hospitals are for," Darry said.

"What if we have a big snowstorm or something? What if we can't get her to a hospital?" Emmy said.

"You really need psychiatric help," Laure said.

The General sighed and rubbed his forehead.

"I'm sure the General could handle it if an emergency like that arose," Darry said.

"Huh?" "Pahdon me?" Emmy and the General said simultaneously.

"If Dande suddenly goes into labor, that baby comes out whether you help or not. I'm sure the General could handle the situation," Darry said.

"Oh no," Emmy said. "He is *not* going there."

As much as the General disliked Emmy speaking for him, in this situation he couldn't find any reason to disagree with her.

"Don't tell me you're going to just sit there," Laure said to the General.

"Well...." he began. "I tend to agree with Emmy--"

"Thank you!"

"In a certain way.....ummmm," he added eloquently. "It might be very uncomfortable for Qui-Gon to have me being in that sort of position," he said in a mildly convincing manner.

Darry scoffed and rolled her eyes.

"What about Doctor Jones?" Judy said.

"He not *that* kind of doctor," Emmy said.

"Ellie?" Judy said. "She's a zoologist. How different could it be?"

"But I already found a doctor! And he's alpha. That'll be good for Dande when she's in labor," Emmy said.

Suddenly the door flew open and Dorotea burst in and threw a live chicken on the table.

"Not again!" Laure said, jumping up and away from the squeaking thing.

"Dor! What the hell?" Darry said.

"It's not Pelham!" Dorotea said happily.

"What the hell is she talking about?" Shana said.

"You don't wanna know," Laure said.

And then the chicken tumbled off the table and started pecking at the General's boots.

"No," Judy said.

"Couldn't be," Laure said.

"Kill it!" Emmy said, grabbing the General's sabre on his belt.

"Emmy," the General said, stumbling forward as she tried to beat the chicken with his sabre handle without actually removing it from his belt.

"So much for the staunch vegetarian bit," Laure said.

"Are we done here?" Darry said as feathers flew in the air, a chicken ran around the room squawking like mad, and the General wrestled himself away from the Diva's fury.

"I was just trying to help," Emmy said, suddenly bursting into tears.

"Whoa," Shana said.

"What's going on?" Dande asked, appearing in the doorway as Emmy ran sobbing out of the room and a chicken clucked and ran toward the General.

~*~

"What an idiot," Tara groaned, dropping her head into her hands. "Thinking Pelham was a chicken!"

"Don't beat yourself up," Kendra said. "You're suffering rain withdrawals, that's all. With this cold weather, it's been *weeks* since the General has been nekkid outside."

"Don't remind me," Tara whimpered.

"You see, Tara, I know these things because I'm an empath," Kendra began.

"A what?"

"It means I have these...abilities..." the General's Secretary embellished.

Tara looked skeptical.

"Noo noo, really! Like, did you ever see them on the Sci-Fi channel? They know what everyone is thinking and feeling.... Like Dande can do."

"You're a Wench now? Oh my God, what has she done to you??"

"More like, I have this gift. Did you ever see the episode of Space Trip when..."

"Cool! You mean like that silver alien with the slimy skin?"

"Whaaa?"

~*~

"I am *so* ready for a holiday," Darry said as she and Laure headed off to Fifi's for dinner.

"Can I come?" Laure asked wearily.

"Getting rid of Commo?"

"Nah, forget it."

~*~

"So what do you want for Christmas?"

"Mmmm, I think I have everything I want right here," the General said as he consumed chocolate sauce off Emmy's tummy.

"Why can't you just be honest with me?" Emmy said, choking as tears sprung from her eyes.

The General stopped mid-lick and rose slowly, not making any sudden movements at all. "Emmy?" he said softly.

"What?" she sobbed.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't knoooooow," she sobbed some more.

"What happened to make you cry?" he asked, carefully placing his arms around her.

"Nothing," she choked.

"Did I do something to upset you?"

"Nooooo," she whimpered.

The General bit his lip. "Let's just sit here like this for a little while, alright?"

"Okay," Emmy sniveled.

The General's mind searched for the cause of this sudden outburst, but he kept coming up blank.

"Obi?" Emmy said pathetically.

"Hmmm?"

"Do you think I'm fat?"

"Of course not," he said, squeezing her in his embrace. "You're beautiful."

And with that, Emmy began to sob again.

The General patted the back of her head as his eyebrows raised up to his hairline.

~*~

"You think it's her?" Tara said.

"Gotta be her," Kendra said, staring at the chicken clucking around the garage. "In fact, I'm sure it's her."

"How can you be sure?"

"I'm an empath, remember?"

"Who's an empath?" the General said, sneaking up on his Ho's.

"Kendra here," Tara chuckled.

"Oh really?" the General asked with an amused expression on his face.

"Sorta," Kendra shrugged.

"And when did you discover this?" the General asked.

"Well, I was talking to Dande today. She said I was having sympathy mood swings, but she--"

"Sympathy what?" the General asked.

"Sympathy mood swings," Kendra said. "Anyway--"

"Happens when pregnant women are around," Tara explained. "You know, pheromones and stuff. Causes women who aren't pregnant to have the same moods."

Kendra nodded, "But she also said that--"

"Aahhh!" the General said, nodding his head. "That explains a great deal."

"So yeah," Kendra said. "Anyway, she said--"

"Explains what?" Tara asked the General.

"SHE SAID I'M A FREAKIN' EMPATH!! SHE SAID THAT I HAD GREAT FEELING FOR OTHERS, OKAY?!"

"Like that," Tara said, hooking her thumb toward Kendra.

~*~

Qui-Gon laid awake all night staring at the ceiling as two collie pups yipped and cried all night long.

~*~

The General inhaled the crisp morning air, hurrying along the trodden path, kicking fresh snow as he walked, all the way to the top of knoll beyond the rugby pitch.

"Just in time," Julia said as she felt strong arms slip around her waist and a cool cheek press against her temple.

"Pretty soon we'll get to sleep in a little later before the sun rises," the General said softly in her ear.

"What will we ever do with the time?" she teased.

"I've no idea," he responded with a smile, hugging her tightly to him as they watched the first pink light of day cast a rosy hue over the snow-covered valley of their happily dysfunctional home.

The End