Title: HSU, No Exchanges
Author: Dorotea
Rating: BTGTTR (Better to give than to receive)
Disclaimer: I own nothing, thanks for reminding me.
Summary: A Chanukah gift for the Nurse

Dor walked across campus, shivering and looking at the list of holiday gifts she still had to get. "Okay, took care of the General. Got Xani's present. Booze for Laure, Cartier watch for Pelham, what about Darry?" The Librarian muttered to herself as she walked into the Library.

Dorotea frowned at the sight of Pelham reading poetry to the wall, but didn't say anything. Pelham saw her and smiled, blowing her a kiss. Rowan was curled up on Xanatos' lap and opened one eye at her mistress. Xanatos leered at the Librarian. "Give me some sugar, baby," he said, patting his lap. Dor peeled of her leather jacket and sat down on Xanatos' empty leg. She gave him a quick kiss and then looked at the computer screen.

"Why are you ordering a fruitcakes for everyone?" She asked.

"Because everyone hates them," Xanatos answered with a wicked grin.

Dor shook her head at him and scooped up Rowan, petting the kitten. "How long has he been at that?" She asked, pointing at Pelham.

"Only a few minutes, just a short love sonnet or some crap that he wanted to share."

Dor didn't say anything but made a face.

Xanatos grinned. "You're so cute when you're jealous."

"I'm not jealous! I'm just tired of them tiptoeing around. If they want to do each other they should just get on with it!"

"That's what I always say."

Dorotea smacked Xanatos in the chest. "I've had it with the inneuodo, the longing glances and the reciting of love poems! I'm not just going to sit around and wait for Darry to suddenly decide to act upon her feelings and steal him away in the night."

"What are you going to do?" Xanatos asked warily, having a bad feeling about this.

"I'm going to give her to him for Chanukah."

"What?"

"I'm going to give Pelham to the Nurse."

"You can't just give him away."

"Like he doesn't want to go? I mean everything has been wonderful since I made up with him, but I can tell he's restless. I just want him to be happy. He knows the Nurse fancies him and he obviously fancies her and its natural that he would want to explore those feeling further."

Xanatos arched a brow at the Librarian. "No, I meant you can't just give him away because I want him here."

"Too bad," Dorotea snapped.

"You're going to share him?" Xanatos asked, sniggering. "Without any wenchy tantrums or pouting?"

"No, I'm giving him away completely. I'm going to shred my EA for him."

"Without any wenchy tantrums or pouting?" Xanatos asked again.

Dorotea didn't answer, her bottom lip jutting out.

Xanatos frowned, then a smile spread across his face. "You're going to give him to her in eight pieces for each day of Chanukah?

Dorotea considered that for a long moment, then sighed. "No, too messy."

~*~

Dande and Laure sat in the cottage, drinking tea and looking at bridesmaids dresses. "That bow woud make the Dean's butt look wider than a Hummer! That is the perfect Maid of Honor dress," Laure said enthusiastically.

Dorotea gave the front door a quick knock and then walked in, cringing slightly at all the joyful holiday decor. "Hiya," she said as Fred and Daphne ran up to her. Dor bent down and petted the eager, happy puppies, she might not favor Collies, but these were awfully cute, if a bit big-haired and cheerful.

"How are you Dorotea? Tea?" Asked the Wench, always the perfect hostess.

"No thanks," Dor said sitting down next to Laure on the sofa. "Oh, that dress would be very flattering on Emmy."

"That's what I just said," Laure smiled.

Dande nodded. "Wonderful!" She drew a line through an item on the list Pelham had given her. "Another item taken care of."

"I'm giving Pelham to Dar," Dorotea said abruptly.

Laure snickered, picturing Cic's eyebrows when he found out.

Dande slammed down the bride's magazine. Dor and Laure both startled. "No!" The Wench exclaimed emphatically.

"He'll still be able to help with you wedding," Dor explained. "There are phones, emails..."

The Wench waved her hand dismissively. "NO! It's not about the wedding! You shouldn't be alone with that hoodlum! He's dangerous, he's criminal!"

Dorotea rolled her eyes. "Xanatos is harmless! I can handle him!"

The Wench's mouth was set in a very determined manner. "He doesn't treat you properly, he doesn't give you any emotional support, without Pelham you'll be having a crisis in your car before the New Year!"

"She has a point, Dorotea," Laure said. "Crisis control is not Xanatos speciality. Being a dirty, rotten, insulting scoundrel --"

Dor glared at them both and stood up. "Xanatos and I will be quite fine. It'll be nice having it just be the two of us!"

"Mastah! Come here," the Wench called.

Dorotea made a break for the door but somehow Qui beat her to it and she ran smack into his chest. Dor sighed heavily as the Wench began to detail the situation to the Jedi Master.

~*~

Dorotea entered the Library and hour later, exhausted from Qui-Gon's warnings and dire predictions. She decided the lectures had been much better when she had been able to use doe-eyes to get out of them.

Xanatos was pacing the Library restlessly, occasionally throwing darts at a dartboard with a picture of Santa Claus on it. Pelham smiled at the Librarian as he carefully curled the ribbons on gifts. "Love, I found a few more presents for you today."

Dorotea nodded. A quarter of the Library was now taken up by presents. If they started opening them now, they might finish before the New Year. "I need to talk to you, Pelham."

A dart flew across the Library missing the Librarian by scant centimeters. The Librarian scowled at the greysider. "When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you," she snapped.

"You're going to be sorry," Xanatos said as he threw another dart, hitting Santa square in the nose.

"Sorry for what?" Pelham asked.

Dorotea sighed, taking his hands into hers. "People change, grow, their needs expand --"

"Dor is giving you to the Nurse as a Chanukah present, because she's sick of all the flirting, sexual tension and 'Will they or won't they?' crap flying around campus. Your bags are packed and sitting outside the clinic. You can visit on Christmas for your gifts. No hard feelings or anything. The two of you can still be friends," Xanatos interrupted.

Pelham arched a brow at both his lovers. Dorotea smacked Xanatos. "I had a very nice speech worked out!" She said angrily.

"We'd die of old age before you ever got to the point." Xanatos scoffed as Dorotea glared at him and thwacked his chest again. "Did I forget something? Oh, yeah. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out."

~*~

The Nurse was sorting files and cursing under her breath. "Dr. Ross wants to review the files, blah, blah, not even gone yet. The nerve of the Dean. Wait until he goes Alpha on her, then she'll be sorry!"

There was a light rapping on the clinic door and the Nurse, still muttering under her breath, walked over and opened it.

Pelham was standing in the hall, with his luggage, a Santa sticker that read, 'To Dar From Dor, Happy Chanukah', a slightly forlorn expression on his face and holding two pieces of paper. "For you, m'lady," he said.

Darry took the papers. The first one was a blank External Affair application, the second was titled, "Care Instructions for 18th century nobleman and Limited Warranty."

It read:

"This 18th century nobleman will provide many years of enjoyment if cared for properly. Please feed him three meals a day. He doesn't understand "drive-through" or "carry out", but does know how to order pizza.

He wears only handmade, tailored three piece suits. They must be drycleaned weekly. This nobleman does not drive, but does have a Range Rover. He has been informed that Cicero does not drive either.

He enjoys having his hair brushed at least twice a day and will return the favor. He comes with a life-time supply of scrunchies and his own silver-plated hairbrush. A hairbrush for you is not included.

He also comes with a large supply of expensive appliances he doesn't know how to use. You may use them or donate them to charity.

He is well-versed in "shopping" and can do so at the Mall (if someone drives him), on the internet and of course, from QVC. He comes equipped with his own Platinum card with $30,000 monthly limit, billed directly to Offworld Coporation. He also has income from video sales and his salary from HSU.

He has a continuing relationship with Xanatos, but has been informed that he is now "just friends" with the Librarian.

Please take good care of him or the Librarian will put a curse on you that you won't soon forget.

Limited 90 Day Warranty

In the event that this nobleman does not meet your expectations or proves defective he can be returned to the Library within 90 days for a full refund. He can NOT be exchanged for the Greysider."

The Nurse looked up from the paper. "Oy!"

THE END