Title: HSU: I Do Not
Author: Kendra
Rating: HAC (Haven't a Clue)
Archive: alright
Disclaimer: The same old mess. Me nothing, GL way too much. But really it's only because I couldn't think of all that SW mess first, ok, I'd never have thought of it way back when, but still.
Notes: I don't know what I was thinking while writing this. I just felt the need to write something silly. Forgive me if I missed anyone, I wrote this at sunrise, and I so don't do mornings. This new schedule is killing me. Off to nap. Sorry if I missed too many mistakes.
Timeline: After Julia's 'Draco' fic.

"You know, someone really should get that fixed sometime soon," Jen remarked as she and Kymira made their way across campus, glancing briefly at the library tower with no roof.

"You're telling me, must get drafty in there, even with a fire breathing dragon to keep them warm," Ky snickered as she kicked a chicken that wandered into her path.

"True, but you know what worries me? The fact that I'm Dor's padawan and she and the harem might want to crash at my place if it rains," Jen shivered as she thought of the horror.

Kymira just shook her head in sympathy and kept walking. "I feel your pain, really I do," she murmured as Jen sighed.

~~*~~

Cal watched the Spranger show with rapt attention. It wasn't often that the student lounge was empty, but it was still early and not many Ho's were rolling out of bed yet. So with his feet propped upon the coffee table, his picket signs protesting the cabaret propped beside him, he relaxed and pondered how to fix this wanton den of loose morals that reigned across campus.

That's when the images flashing across the big screen TV suddenly gave him an idea. It just might work and then they wouldn't be so...loose, they'd be legal and legit, he thought for one brief moment before looking down upon his sandals and realizing the black electrical tape holding them together had come undone. He'd begin work on his most wonderful plan just as soon as he found some more electrical tape or super glue to fix his sandals with he thought as he went to stand, and his robe got tangled in his floppy sandals and he crashed to the floor.

~~*~~

Laure stretched lazily in bed and with a deep sigh, rolled over to snuggle against Commo. However, as she reached for him, her hands only touched cool sheets and air. No fallen Emperor.

Slowly sliding the sleep mask down to free one eye, the ex-mediator blinked in the morning light as she groped the covers beside her, just to make sure she hadn't missed him. This definitely was not right, the Ho groaned as she spotted the parchment that was sitting upon the far pillow of the bed, a jeweled dagger stabbing it securely to the silk encased pillow.

"Damn him...I just bought those pillowcases," Laure snapped as she pulled out the dagger, throwing it across the bedroom and imbedding it into the far wall. Grinding her teeth she slowly blinked and began to read the bold script of Commo's note.

***

Beloved Petunia,

      Gone golfing. Day break lesson with the young peasant girl who wears the binding sweaters that once adorned your alabaster shoulders. Expect my return for noon meal.             C---Emperor of the links

***

Many a sleeping Ho was awakened by the loud, angry scream that pierced the cool morning air. Laure threw off the covers and stumbled out of bed. If Commo was insisting to disobey her orders for no one-on-one golf lessons, then she sure as hell would change that.

"Hak! Hak!" Laure shouted from her open bedroom window. Seconds later Hak came bounding eagerly across the rugby pitch stopping suddenly to glance at the determined Ho. "Hak, you have a new job. You are now Commo's personal golf caddie. Now go find some appropriate clothes and meet me at the golf course in ten minutes."

Hak didn't have time to reply as the window suddenly shut with a resounding crash, and Laure disappeared. The big man scratched his head and looked puzzled...what was he going to wear?

~~*~~

"Heeelllloooooo! Anybody home?" Dande shouted from the library door. The Wench knew to never walk inside the library unannounced. Who knew what she might find, much less get mistakenly fried by Draco. After all, everyone knows how flammable hairspray can be.

After hearing no answer, a delicate foot adorned with a red pump slowly took a tentative step inside. "Dor, Xanatos, Pelham...anybody here? I brought a care package to help you through this unfortunate roof incident," the Wench sweetly yelled.

Still not hearing a reply, Dande took a deep breath and turned to leave. Silently and suddenly she was stopped by Xani's appearance in the doorway blocking her exit. "Xanatos...I made your favorite," the Wench smiled brightly as Xani scowled.

With a bright smile Dande slowly lifted the lid of her crystal cake plate to reveal it stacked with double chocolate brownies with walnuts. "See I remembered from the last time you and Dor were at the cottage," she remarked as Xani looked at the plate cautiously, then eyed the Wench with hesitation.

"Are they poisoned?" he blandly asked as he sniffed the wondrous aroma and his stomach growled.

"No, I would never do that...try one," she insisted as Xani raised his brow and looked from her to the brownies and tried to decide.

Xani hesitated for another moment before snatching the plate from the Wench's hands and then picked up a brownie. "Well, if you insist..." and with that he took a bite of the sweet, rich chocolate and moaned his delight. Looking rather guilty, he quickly tried to hide his approval. "They're passable," Xani smirked before stepping aside to let Dande leave.

"Good, I'll stop by later with a fresh batch of oatmeal cookies," she stated before gracefully gliding to the door.

"Make that, double chocolate chip..." Xani ordered.

Dande raised one delicate brow to him and gave the graysider a stern look while tapping her foot impatiently. "Did you forget something?"

With his best scowl upon his face Xani stared down the Wench. Finally, with great reluctance, he uttered the one word nobody else on campus had ever heard him say. "Please," he stammered as if it physically hurt him to say the word.

"Double chocolate chip it is," Dande replied before heading out the door.

Once the door shut, Xani strolled to the back of the library and to his secret stash to hide the brownies. "Damn...I'm getting soft," he growled before picking up another brownie and eating it with enthusiasm.

~~*~~

Emmy leaned back in her chair with a deep, sated sigh. It had been a good morning, she'd had breakfast with the General and a good kilting to start the day with. What could happen after that?

She glanced down to Lasher who was quietly sleeping beside her desk and with a smile reached for the stack of mail that Cal had just delivered.

"Not important, not important...bills...bills...new clunky shoe catalogue...what the hell is this?" the Diva suddenly shouted as she noticed a very official letter from the Jedi Temple.

Reading furiously, the words before her made her madder and madder by the second. "Oh hell no, that little green troll isn't going to do this," she exclaimed before fumbling around her desk, some heads were going to roll if she couldn't get to the bottom of this.

~~*~~

"Somebody better be flopping around on the floor like a fish out of water or I'm going to purple lightning somebody's ass," Darry promised as she joined the gathered crowd in the Dean's office. One by one, the Ho's who had gone on vacation at the Jedi Temple had all been rounded up and herded inside along with the General.

"What is so important that you had to drag me away from...my work?" Dor demanded after being interrupted from searching the library after finding traces of chocolate on Xani's breath. The librarian knew he was holding out and if it were the last thing she did, she'd find his hidden stash of baked goods.

"Yes, what is so important that it needed our immediate attention? I was just getting ready to take a drive in the Porsche with Judith," the General explained as he glanced to Judy and winked at the bartender who had requested the ride.

"Oh, you'll like this...it's because of this letter...correction bill the campus received from the Jedi Temple today," Emmy griped as she waved the thick correspondence in the air for all to see. Granted the General and the few Ho's who dared to stand near the Diva's desk had to duck the flailing edges of said correspondence as it waved.

"What do they want?" Julia questioned as she continued to take action shots of the events unfolding. She knew something was going to happen, she could feel it and there was no way this meeting was going to go undocumented.

"Number one...we are being charged an outrageous amount for damages done to the 'Room of Ten Thousand Fountains," Emmy stated as all heads turned to Kendra who was lounging against the wall.

"Hey, I had to have a security system installed and diverting a few of the waterfalls and that underground stream was a little more work than I first expected...it wasn't my fault," Kendra explained as the General shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Well what about this one? Water damage to the entryway and adjoining hallways?" the Diva demanded as everyone continued to look at the General's secretary.

"Don't look at me, that was Tara's idea," Kendra snapped as the room suddenly focused on the other Water Ho.

"It was totally innocent. I wanted to see just how far the spray from the emergency water sprinklers went. And also to see how long they would stay on...you know...in case of fire. Yeah, that's it, in case of a fire," Tara defended as the General could feel a migraine coming on.

"Damn, Water Ho's," Darry mumbled.

"Oh...there's more," Emmy continued. "And can anyone explain this charge? Damage to the outside spires of the Temple."

Suddenly Julia stopped what she was doing and looked over the top of her camera. "You can barely tell anything happened. Sere and I were trying out our climbing gear to take some candid shots of the Council chamber when there was a slight mishap...nothing too damaging. You would think they'd never seen a bent spire," she groused as the General almost sounded as if he groaned.

"And this, the charge for charred walls inside the west wing of the Temple," the Diva read off.

"That would be me...you know, spell gone wrong. That sort of thing," Dor chimed in before taking a sip of her Makers.

With that latest excuse the General sank heavily to the edge of Emmy's desk and ran his hands across his slightly stubbled cheeks. "Is there more?" he hesitantly asked.

"Well...there was the insane bill of phone charges that were mistakenly billed to that weeble headed Jedi," Emmy added.

"Damn...they told me that would work...reversing the charges and rerouting them to someone else," Laure sighed as all heads turned in her direction.

"More?" the General quizzed as his head felt as if it were going to explode.

While Emmy was reading a litany of charges amassed by the visiting entourage of HSU to the Temple, Cal stood at the doorway speaking as everyone ignored him.

"Now explain to me how I can be charged for damages to the Temple when I didn't even leave the Falcon?" Darry demanded.

"Seems Han tacked on a bill for damages to his storage compartments, and charged the Temple who in turn charged us," Emmy stated as she looked to the Nurse who just waved her hand in dismissal.

"Well if that's the case, then that ship is just a hunk of junk if it can't stand up to the stress of boin...stress of space travel," the Nurse snapped.

Suddenly Cal shouted over the rumble of gathered Ho's asking if anyone would like something to drink. There was a chorus of 'I do's' from everyone in the crowd. And with that Cal smiled broadly, bowed his head and took a step into the hall. "I now pronounce you husband and wives," he stated as everyone ignored him once again.

"Tell me, since I'm getting charged for illegal liquor in my Temple bar, just what did you do?" Judy asked of the Diva.

"Nothing," Emmy replied quickly. A little too quickly for the entire room.

"Ha! I don't believe it, give me those papers," Shana demanded as there was a sudden surge from the room as the Ho's tried to snatch the letter from the Diva's hands.

Quickly and silently the General succeeded in freeing the offending bill. He began to search his pockets for his reading glasses and was unsuccessful. "On your head," Kendra chimed in as she nodded to his sexy wire-rimmed glasses that were resting upon their usual spot when not in use.

"Thank you," he smiled before putting them back on and glancing over the facts and figures. "Hmmm ...what about this charge for replanting the 'garden room'?" The General remarked as the Diva straightened the blotter on her desk.

"It wasn't Lasher's fault...there was nowhere for him to play and he got carried away and dug up a few shrubs," Emmy defended as the General raised his brow in disbelief. "Alright...so he trashed more than a few shrubs," she corrected as the General sighed deeply.

"Excuse me, I have a question," Jen suddenly interrupted, a very worried and confused look upon her face. "Did anyone hear what Cal was saying?"

"I don't know, you know we never listen to him," Tara groaned. "Just when are we going to be done? I have a Jacuzzi appointment with the General after lunch."

"Not before I get my car appointment," Judy corrected.

"Grrls, grrls, please, everyone will get their appointments," the General tried to sooth. "But I think Jen has a point," he added with concern as it suddenly dawned on everyone that Cal had just married the group.

"Oh, he's toast," Emmy exclaimed as she quickly stood and began to march to the door. "Deader than dead."

"Damn straight! Where's my bat?" Judy challenged.

"Where's my spell book? Help me, I think I'm going to feel guilt," Dor groaned.

"Is this legal?" Ky demanded.

"I'll speak to Lindsey...it better not be legal," Shana added as one by one the Ho's stormed out of the office.

"Hey, Darry, you're a bigamist," Laure grinned as the Nurse shot her a deadly glance.

"You probably like being married to the General," Darry accused.

"Well...what's so bad about it?" the ex-mediator demanded as Emmy rolled her eyes.

"Wench," the Diva snapped.

"Oh gawd, we're going to be like one of those geeks on the Spranger show this morning who married all those sisters," Ky winced.

The General still sat on the edge of Emmy's desk as all but he and his secretary remained in the room. Was it really so bad to be married to him, he wondered after hearing all his grrls remarks. Granted, he never really thought about marriage. But was he that bad? He mused before glancing at Kendra who was answering the phone.

"Yes!" the Water Ho shouted as she hung the phone up and happy danced about the room.

"Good news?" the General asked with a sigh as his secretary suddenly hugged him.

"Definitely good news...forget about this marriage thingy...my padawan has arrived! I've got to run to the front gate and accept delivery," she giggled before hugging him tighter and then quickly racing to receive her awaiting padawan.

The General ran his hands through his hair before taking a deep, steadying breath. Who should he go after first, save Cal from his grrls, stop his secretary from getting a padawan, or just hop on the motorcycle and go for a long drive? "Damn...what else will happen?" he groaned as he stood up.