Title: HSU: Help Wanted
Author: Tara
Archive: Yup
Rating: MSTE (Much shorter than expected. I wrote something! But I couldn't quite muster the energy to get everyone in here, mea culpa.)
Summary: After Kendra's "I Do Not." What's to be done about Cal?
Disclaimer: Apologies to Messrs Atkinson, Curtis, Elton and Robinson.

*******

"Does Cal have a last name?" Sere asked, staring intently at the computer screen.

"Uh..." Julia mumbled through the chunk of chocolate melting in her mouth. "Douth id madder?"

"Well, yes, if this is going to work, he needs a last name."

Licking her fingers, Julia pondered. "Then make one up," she finally offered.

"Okay," Sere nodded, embracing her sister Ho's practicality. Her fingers hovered on the keyboard, waiting for a stroke of genius. After a moment's wait, she leaned back and asked, "What do you suggest?"

"Uhm..." About to reach for another piece of chocolate, Julia let her hand fall. Better to save the good stuff for when she didn't have to think, let alone think about Cal. "How about...Calstofferson."

"Cal Calstofferson?"

"Yeah, it's got a ring to it."

"Yeah. Positively clangs with stupidity-- You're right. It's a perfect match. One "f" or two?"

"Oh, two, defin--" Julia swung to face the door as the sound of brisk footsteps approaching interrupted her.

Edmund Blackadder, butler extraordinaire, strode into the room. Executing a curt bow, he announced officiously, "Ladies. I have been asked to inform you that there will be an emergency summit meeting in the board room to discuss what is to be done with the person known as... Cal." Edmund's demeanor grew a tad more rigid as he sneered the Padawannabe's name.

Attempting to smother a smile, Julia glanced over at her co- conspirator. Meeting a saucy grin, she let loose with a laugh. "Sere and I are hatching a little something for Cal right now."

"Oh? You have a plan?" Edmund cocked a dark brow, his tone suggesting that whatever it was, it couldn't possibly be evil enough.

Sere pointed to the computer screen in response and Edmund cross to peer stiffly over her shoulder. "Welcome to the Wanker College online application process," he read. "Ah, yes, I see." He brushed a bit of non-existent lint from his sleeve. "You are applying to Wanker on behalf of HSU's very own wanker. Of course, you're greatly over- exaggerating his abilities and qualities to make him even remotely eligible?"

"Of course." Julia grinned. "Cal is a recent graduate of the Tenecktiti Lyceum. Honor roll. President's scholar. Top in his class."

"Athletics?" Edmund asked, a trifle bored.

"MVP, Varsity Water Polo two years in a row!" Sere added cheerfully.

"Hmmm, yes, inspired, as the boy is now deathly afraid of water." Edmund gifted the Ho's with an indulgent smile. "Yes, a brilliant plan. And you've thought of everything... Except..."

Julia and Sere frowned in annoyance. "What?" they snapped simultaneously.

"He'll be back at our door before the punch is served at freshman orientation."

The Hos stared at the butler in silent consternation until he took pity and smiled severely. "But, while the execution may be poor, the idea has merit and it's given me thoughts," Edmund declared. "And, now," he said with some flourish, "I have a cunning plan."

He paused, as though awaiting applause, or, at the very least, some fanfare. Julia languidly reached for the chocolate, while Sere clicked on the Elf icon.

"Ladies!" he proclaimed, desperate to regain his audience. "Send him to Wanker, yes, but do so in such a way that they cannot send him back."

Watching one of her elves flatten several pins, Sere tried not to look too interested. "And you suggest doing this, how?"

"If Wanker's honor is at stake; if they cannot let him go without looking foolish, then we need never deal with the little swot again."

Julia glared at Edmund, immediately tired of his coy refusal to come right and say what was on his mind. "Blackadder..." she warned.

"Right, of course," he replied quickly. "Let me demonstrate." Edmund went to the door and bellowed, "BALDRICK!"

The small, ridiculously filthy man in question, who was never far from his master, immediately appeared. "Yes, Mr Blackadder, sir?"

"Baldrick," Edmund said jovially. "Would you be so good as to show these ladies your most prized possession?"

With a shrug of acquiescence, Baldrick reached for his trouser buttons.

"No!" Julia gasped, her face a mask of horror.

Sere clapped her hands over her eyes and attempted vainly not to gag.

"Ladies, ladies, please," Edmund soothed. "I assure you that this is a perfectly safe demonstration. Please note." He gestured toward the shriveled lump Baldrick now held out.

Since Sere still refused to look it was up to Julia to be brave. "Ah, it's, a, uh--"

"Turnip," Baldrick proclaimed proudly. "It belonged to my father, and to his father before him."

Sere peeked through her fingers, testing the sight, before relaxing and offering, "Wow. That's, uhm, amazing. Really."

"Yes," Edmund nodded in agreement. "When I found out that Baldrick had a father, let alone that he knew who the man was, I was equally stunned." Turning back to his manservant, Edmund paused, then cuffed Baldrick sharply across the ear.

"Ow!"

"What?"

"Why'd you hit me, Mr Blackadder?"

"Because it was enjoyable, Baldrick."

"No, it weren't. It hurt."

"Did it?" Edmund paused thoughtfully, the struck his manservant again. "No. It's still enjoyable." Sensing the Hos' impatience building behind him, he continued, "But I digress. Tell me, Baldrick, if money were no object, what would you buy?"

"A turnip."

"Yes. And if you had no restrictions on your mental acuity, what would you be?"

"A turnip farmer."

"Yes," Edmund drawled. "And should you become world renowned for your turnip farming, what would you do?"

"Retire to a little turnip farm of my own."

"Ah, but say that you're too young to retire, Baldrick. What if," the butler prompted, "there was a place you could go and talk to other people about turnips, and they *wanted* to listen to you."

"Oh, yes, Mr Blackadder, sir. But that's after I retire and go to heaven and become the Turnip Prophet."

Noting the twin gleams in both Hos' eyes, Edmund gestured toward the door. "Thank you, Baldrick. That will be all."

Sere turned back to the computer, muttering, "Jobs. Employment opportun--Oh!" An evil chuckle caressed Edmund's ear like a lover's whisper. "You're a genus, Blackadder."

The butler bowed. "All in a days work, m'lady. Shall I tell her Divaness that you'll be reporting on the situation soon?"

Julia and Sere nodded vaguely, butler, bowling and chocolate forgotten as they began to diligently fill out the online employment application form.

*******

Cal lay prostrate before the symbols in the grass outside the tree where he'd been hiding since performing his first mass marriage. The message had been freshly burned into the grass the night before, but he'd yet to decipher the meaning. What was his god directing him to do now?

"I beseek ye," he mumbled, trying to spit out a piece of charred steam that had found its way between his front teeth.

Suddenly, something struck the palm of his hand causing him to jolt to his feet. Nervously looking about but, not seeing anyone or anything, he finally examined the object he now clutched in his hand. Looking up into the mid-morning sky, he held up the envelope and asked, "Is this from you, lord?"

Not getting an answer, and assuming that the silence was an affirmative, Cal eagerly tore through the paper, ignoring the several paper cuts he received in the process. Trembling with delight, he held up the elegant stationary and read:

"Dear Father Cal:

It is with the greatest, and most humble, pleasure that I personally put pen to paper and respond to your most welcome application for employment..."

Cal scratched his head, so far this letter wasn't making any more sense the marks in the grass. He continued:

"Your Curriculum Vitae is, of course, most impressive. Your educational background is unparalleled and your references have nothing but the utmost admiration and respect for your works.

"The Regents of Wanker College are astounded and humbled that you've chosen our little school to continue such a highly regarded and prestigious academic career.

"Therefore, it is with sincere enthusiasm that I tenure an offer of employment. With you at the helm of our newly established Department of Theology, there is no limiting our achievements in this field of divine scholarship.

"Sincerely, Vallorum President, Wanker College"

It took nearly an hour of serious contemplation, and then another thirty minutes or so of attempting to think, but finally the message settled in. With a shout of triumph, Cal rushed to pack.