Wedding Bell Blues
Part 3

The General cursed as the wrench slipped while he worked on his Triumph. The campus had fallen eerily quiet overnight, but he had no desire to go into any of the buildings to see what was happening, preferring instead to have camped out at the farthest edge of campus.

In fact, he still stayed there as the morning sun warmed the ground beneath him. Tinkering with his bike seemed the least damaging activity at the moment.

"Hail! Our prophet arises!"

Normally, the General would have stood to attention, battle-ready and willing to defend his campus at this unexpected intrusion.

Instead he just groaned. "Cal, really," he said, tossing his wrench on the ground and turning around. He sat back with surprise, not seeing Cal at all, but…well, he wasn't quite sure who he was seeing.

"We are honored," the young man in front said, bowing deeply.

The General slowly rose to his feet and scratched his stubbled cheek. "Who are you?"

"We are the Polygamy Pals."

The General's brow furrowed.

"And we have come from far away to humble ourselves before you and learn from your almighty example."

The General put his hands on his hips. "My what?"

"We have heard the tales of your harem," a younger one piped up. "And now we have come to see it for ourselves and to learn from you how to handle a harem of our own."

The General quietly laughed.

And then his laughter grew louder and louder.

The Polygamy Pals laughed nervously while they exchanged glances with each other.

The General sighed with great amusement. "You want to learn how to handle a harem, eh?"

"Oh yes," the Poobah said, nodding enthusiastically.

The General grinned. Of course, the Polygamy Pals assumed he was being friendly. Anyone vaguely familiar with HSU would have known this was a look of sheer madness. "Follow me!" the General said, jumping on his motorcycle and spitting up dirt with the back tire as the Polygamy Pals jumped on their bicycles.

~*~

"What the hell is that?" Darry said, her attention drawn from a Servant-less rugby field to the General on his Triumph being followed by a flock of white shirts.

At the sound of the engine, Emmy stopped kicking the rugby practice team from Wanker.

"Do you think we could turn the sprinklers on again? Do you think? Could we do that?" Tara asked in a manic fashion.

Kendra patted her on the back. "It'll be okay. Really."

"Please," Tara asked. "Please??"

"We're angry with him, remember?" Kendra said, trying not to sigh as the General got off his bike and stalked over to the bleachers.

"Well maybe *you* are," Laure said. She stood from the bleachers.

In the distance, Commo could be seen, face and hands still plastered to the window.

"Good morning, Obi-Wan," Laure said sweetly. "I was worried about you."

Emmy made gagging noises.

"Grrls!" the General yelled.

All Ho's immediately turned away from him except for Laure.

"So are you gonna marry Commo, too," Julia asked. "Or are you just going to keep him under the General's bed as a diversion?"

"Ha ha," Laure replied.

"Good one," Judy said, jovially smacking Julia with her bat.

"Hey!" Julia said.

"Grrls!!" the General yelled.

"Did you hear something?" Emmy asked.

"Nah," Darry said.

"Grrls! These boys are looking for a harem. I'm sure they could learn a lot from you," the General said.

"WHAT DID HE JUST SAY??" Emmy yelled.

"I knew I should have sanded my bat," Judy groused, bouncing on her feet.

The General pushed the Polygamy Pals into the circle of gathered Ho's. Then he jumped on his bike and took off.

The Polygamy Pals smiled nervously as Judy smacked her bat against her hand. "So you're looking for a harem, huh?"

"Y-yes," the Poobah answered. "Are any of you interested?"

~*~

Maximus squinted into the morning sun. He was used to hearing the women yell, especially after the past couple of days. But this time he heard screams that were unfamiliar to his ears.

"What is it?" Jael asked, ducking under Max's handsome bicep to get a good view.

"I am not certain," Max replied, trying to figure out what the women were kicking at and who the screams were coming from.

Jael shrugged. "Sounds like girlie screams to me," she said, grabbing Max's hand and dragging him back to the tent. "Nothing to worry about."

~*~

"I think we should become monks," a bloodied and scrawny Polygamy Pal sniveled as he rode his bicycle toward the highway as though his life depended on it.

Which it did.

"Agreed," the Poobah choked as he led his brave followers in a hasty, frantic, and scared shitless retreat.

~*~

"Is he in?" Emmy asked as she walked into Kendra's office first thing the following morning.

"Ennh," Kendra grunted, shrugging her shoulders as she waited on hold to speak to that green troll at the Jedi Temple.

The Diva stormed into the General's office and slammed the door. "Alright, Kenobi!" she yelled. As she always did.

"Emmy, I am not in the mood," he said, remaining seated in his chair, his head down on his desk.

"Well, tough!" she said. "You don't get to push me into the sprinklers and lock me up and just pretend like it never happened."

The General immediately shot straight up out of his chair. "I did not *push* you. And I certainly didn't shuffle you into the sprinklers on purpose."

"And if you think for one minute that I'm going to carry on like a good little wife, then you've got another thing coming!"

"Oh, here we go," the General said, swinging his arms for emphasis. "Pardon me while I find a nice comfortable spot on the sofa so I can nap through your tirade about diamonds and proper ceremonies."

Emmy gasped, her eyes growing wide. "How dare you."

"How dare I??" the General asked incredulously. "How dare *I*?"

"Yes!"

He stalked forward, "How about how dare *you*, treating me like some kind of Sugar Daddy out of a fairytale."

The Diva huffed indignantly.

"Does it ever occur to you to be rational and reasonable??" he said. "Did it ever occur to you to just remain calm and be patient until the attorney could sort this mess out??"

"Rational?!" the Diva charged, stepping forward. "You wanna talk rational??! How about locking us all in the pub?? Or storming around here mumbling incoherently to yourself?? Dumping little freaky boys on us and calling us harem girls??"

"Is it any wonder with the way you women have been behaving??"

"Oh, you've gone too far!" the Diva yelled. "This marriage can't be over soon enough for me!"

"Me either!"

"In fact," Emmy said, squaring off as they stood toe to toe. "I think I'll throw a right good party to celebrate NEVER BEING YOUR WIFE EVER, EVER AGAIN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE AND AFTER THAT, TOO!!"

"Suits me just fine!!" the General yelled back.

Suddenly a very loud bell rang throughout the entire campus.

"And what the hell is that?!" the Diva shouted.

The General glanced at the clock. "Looks like our wish has come true. Our forty-eight hours are up, and--" he stopped as his email dinged. He walked over to his computer and checked it. "Yes, Lindsey has done his job."

"Bastard," Emmy said. "He probably had it done forty two hours ago, and was just enjoying watching us go insane."

"Well, no need to be insane any longer, dear," the General said sarcastically. "Our marriage is over."

And with that, the Diva burst into tears.

The General's righteous anger suddenly morphed into mottled befuddlement.

The Diva flopped into a chair and truly began to sob.

The General tapped his foot nervously. Maybe she'd stop if he just stood there for a minute.

When she began to do that embarrassing, choking kind of sobbing that no one wants to be caught dead doing, he took a baby step forward. "Uh."

"I *knew* I'd make a terrible wife!! I couldn't even stay married for two whole daaaaaaays," she sobbed.

"But you just said you were going to have a party when--"

"I'm such a failure," she chortled. "How am I going to tell my mother??"

"You...you told your mother?"

"I'll be a disgrace to the entire family!" The Diva sulked in the chair, crying like a baby. "What the hell are my parents going to say in their Christmas letter?? 'We'd like to announce that our daughter got married and divorced all in the course of two days. We're so proud.' My sister is just going to *love* this! I'll never live it down! She'll rub my face in it forever! Maybe they should just disown me, so I don't have to put up with this over Christmas dinner!"

"Emmy, you're being hysterical," the General said.

Emmy leapt from the chair, nearly making herself unconscious in the head rush. "DON'T tell me I'm being hysterical!! I'll know damn well when I'm hysterical, and I don't need a play by play!!"

The General glowered and placed his hands on his hips.

The Diva stepped forward placing her hands on her hips.

And then they grabbed each other and started going at it like rabbits.

~*~

Darry stared at the Clinic door. Then she stared at her watch.

She stared at the door again.

"Attention," came Julia's voice over the loudspeaker. "Lindsey reports that all marriages have been annulled. You may boink at will. If you actually want to."

Darry dashed through the Clinic door, which thankfully opened without incident, and jumped into the arms of her waiting - and only - husband.

~*~

Kendra rolled her eyes with each sound of lamps and other assorted office furniture crashing inside the General's office.

"Finally," she muttered under her breath when the sound of things tipping over finally ceased.

Several minutes later, the Diva emerged, appearing calm and sane. "Thanks, Ken," she said in a chirpy voice, strutting out into the hallway.

~*~

After thinking over the antics of the past forty-eight hours, Qui-Gon had gone in search of Obi-Wan, concerned that the younger man might do something…rash.

There were clothes scattered up and down the hallway of the dorms.

Not all of it was feminine. Was his Padawan wandering about naked?

Qui-Gon sighed. His former Padawan´s battle prowess was renown, but it seemed vastly underscored by his expertise in the realm of lovemaking. “I hope he remembers to drink plenty of water,” da Mastah muttered to himself.

As if shaking up with thirty-so grrls wasn´t rash enough.

He´d gone into the bar to place a bet on a hunch…just as Judy walked out of the storeroom looking completely mussed and thoroughly loved. She was wearing a cat-got-the-canary grin that could power a city for a week.

The aura of satiation emanating from the Ho´s there was unmistakable.

Laure had cancelled the night´s performance. Something about being too tired from ‘strenuous activities'.

Tara just kept grinning hugely and sighing, “Shower. Wet skin. Niiiiice.”

JenJen snickered and winked. “New toys.”

Ky had tried to look nonchalant, but the flush in her cheeks and her sparkling eyes gave the story away.

So.

Qui-Gon wandered out of the bar, heading back towards the Admin Building. Where *was* Obi-Wan if he had already been everywhere?

It was beginning to be a bit like those annoying puzzles where you had to find one brightly dressed individual in a sea of faces.

Well, at times it paid to look in the last place you would expect to find the individual.

Qui-Gon headed for the Library, but was distracted by masculine laughter floated from the darkroom.

The door burst open and Julia stopped dead, seeing who was standing there.

It was hard to say who looked more surprised. “Quigs!” She hopped forward one stumbling step as Obi-Wan walked into her. He steadied her, and smiled at Qui-Gon.

“Mastah.” Obi-Wan was at least wearing clothing, and if his shirt was untucked from the front of the black kilt, but not the back, hair finger-combed, chin and cheeks slightly stubbled….

He looked relaxed.

That was enough to reassure Qui-Gon. “Hello, Obi-Wan.”

“I´m going to go make the announcement.” Julia waved a handful of glossies at the two. “And give Laure her damn pictures.”

“Announcement?”

Obi-Wan smiled, looking like a man supremely happy and content.

Not at all like the man who had been stressing over being married, not married, or a man who had recently had said marriages annulled.

“Movie night has been moved up to tonight. It´s cool enough for one of those big fires in the fireplace the grrls love so much.” The General began walking, Qui-Gon at his side. “Why don´t you get Dande and bring her and Cara. I promise…” He held up his hand, grinning the same boyish smile he had always possessed, the one that charmed, beguiled and attracted all the girls. "Nothing shocking will occur."

It spoke loudly of mischief to his Master. “Padawan….”

“Really!” Obi-Wan chuckled. “Strictly G. PG at the worst.”

“Cara is quite young still….”

“Then she´s young enough to not remember, Mastah.” Winking, Obi-Wan nodded as they parted and headed off for his rooms, his step light and much more the prowling stalk that was his trademark.

Leaving Qui-Gon to go find Dande and convince her she didn´t need to fix enough treats for a Republic Battalion just to go to watch movies.

~*~

"I need a word with you, Kenobi," Kendra exclaimed from the doorway of the General's flat as he opened the door and found his secretary and her damned padawan standing before him.

Without waiting for the General to do nothing more than sigh, the Ho looked to her padawan and pointed to the wall beside the door. "Sit...and stay," she ordered as bright blue eyes looked up at her and he obediently did as told, seemingly to only make her more agitated.

"I see," the General mused as he surveyed his secretary over the rim of his sunglasses as Kendra barreled through the door, slamming it shut behind her.

Seconds later, the Water Ho was stopped in her tracks, a small wail of pain escaped her lips as she quickly shut her eyes. "Sheesh, you should warn a grrl about all this bright chintz," she groaned. "My eyes..."

"Here, wear these," he sighed before handing her a spare pair of sunglasses. "It helps to cut down on the glare," the General remarked while surveying his still, overly cheerful and quite bright flat.

"You poor thing, if I had known it was this bad I wouldn't have been so...well, whatever. As I was saying, we need to talk," Kendra continued as she tried not to glance around the room too quickly for it had a tendency to spin out of focus.

"Please, go ahead," the General encouraged sincerely, making the Ho look at him suspiciously.

"Fine, I need help. I need to return my padawan, I've got the wrong model...he's not what I ordered from the troll, and all I keep getting is the run around. Don't these things come with a warranty or something?" Kendra exclaimed. "And I'm warning you, don't say it," she quickly ordered, stopping the General from saying whatever it was he was originally going to say.

"Love, would I say anything to even hint of 'I told you so'? The General replied before a wicked grin spread across his face.

"Well yes...no...I mean, you just couldn't resist it, could you?" she demanded as it suddenly struck her that the shower was running and the General was only clad in a towel. How in all that is righteous could she have missed that?

"Honestly, no, I couldn't resist not saying it," he gleamed as he stepped closer and her breath hitched in her throat, especially when he cupped her chin in his hand and brushed his thumb across her bottom lip.

Glancing back to the bathroom and noting the billowing steam now seeping out the door, the General smiled lasciviously and then turned back to his secretary. "I was just stepping into the shower. Would you care to join me?" he whispered against the Ho's ear, and all she could manage was a pathetic squeak, before nodding her head in agreement. "Good, I was hoping you'd say that," he replied before taking the Ho by the hand and leading her into the bathroom.

"It's not chintzed in here too, is it?" Kendra mumbled at the bathroom doorway.

"No, thank goodness," the General sighed with relief.

~~*~~

“Hey, it´s time for the news.” Julia snagged the TV control out of Emmy´s hand with a ‘neener neener' look and flipped the channel.

The Diva shrugged it off and grabbed the popcorn bowl out of Obi-Wan´s grasp.

“Oh no.” Kendra bit her lip. “How could they put this on already?”

Obi-Wan stiffened as he heard the woman producers voice come over the TV.

The room became deathly quiet as the report on HSU, the General, and the Ho's began to play. Nobody quite knew for sure what to expect, and how they could have it ready to go so quickly. But as the piece aired, it became apparent that the outcome of this report would not bode well for the General.

As each edited image of the General flashed upon the screen, a soft, male groan could be heard accompanying it. And if anyone were to look very closely at the Jedi, they'd swear he was slowly sinking further and further into the couch, almost as if he'd hoped the soft leather would suck him in and help him disappear.

"And finally," the voice from the TV said, "General Kenobi had these final words."

The General covered his eyes as his face appeared on the screen again.

"Woman should be kept barefoot, pregnant, and where they belong."

The anchorman gave the camera a smarmy smirk. "That's the news for now. Have a wonderful evening."

Long, very long, and unusually quiet moments ticked by once the report finished, and the General couldn't help but squirm nervously as all his grrls stared at him. What had aired was what he had said, but not in the context of how it was said.

"Grrls...please, I can explain," the General began as he held his hands in the air in a gesture of what could best be described as surrender.

"We're not good enough to marry, not today, not tomorrow, not next week, not next month, are we?" the Diva questioned with a harsh look upon her face.

"Don't forget not next year, either," Tara added as she folded her arms over her chest and stared as well.

"We're a harem, you say?" Judy remarked as the General tugged nervously at the collar of his black t-shirt.

"I can explain...that's not what I said," the General began to try and persuade.

"A brothel, a polygamy compound, was it?" Julia smirked in indignation as she waved the remote at the General.

"No! I didn't mean it that way, yes I said harem, brothel, polygamy compound, but I..." he once again tried to explain but was cut short.

"Women should do as a man wishes? I don't think so," Laure snapped.

Women need to be barefoot and pregnant...where they belong?" Kendra added as she just shook her head in objection.

"Grrls, please, I swear to you what was on the news was all wrong. They edited what I said and twisted my words and...I never meant it how that came out," he tried to explain as he ran his hands through his hair, not sure if he should try and make a break for the door, but a quick glance in that direction proved that idea was futile. For in the doorway came Dande, baby in her arms and right behind her, Qui-Gon who was heavily burdened with enough snacks to feed the entire county. Obviously the Wench had prevailed in the snack debate.

"Is this a bad time?" Dande questioned as she noticed the uptight and nervous Jedi surrounded by a room full of glaring Ho's.

"What now?" Qui-Gon groaned as he glanced over the platters of food he carried.

Obi-Wan looked from grrl to grrl, and was trying to find the correct words to convince them that this entire situation was all a bad misunderstanding. That's when it suddenly dawned on him that a few of the Ho's looks had suddenly changed from indignant anger to stifled giggles. "Grrls?"

From out of nowhere there rained down a barrage of popcorn, pillows, and magazines, all aimed at one target, the befuddled Jedi in the midst of a room full of Ho's. "Lighten up," Julia exclaimed as loud, raucous laughter erupted from the grrls. "We know you didn't say those things in that way," the Ho added before pelting the General with a pillow.

"Bad editing job," Sere quickly added. "Did you see all those mistakes? Amateurs!"

"Besides, we know for a fact you're not *that* crazy, to say those remarks," Laure added as the General relaxed and actually started to grin before the ex-mediator pelted him with another handful of popcorn.

"Hey! Watch where you throw that stuff," the Diva warned as a wicked gleam was exchanged between the remaining Ho's and General. Without warning another attack of popcorn, pillows, and magazines descended upon another target...the Dean.

As indignant cries of objection and threats pervaded the room, the Wench sighed softly and cast a weepy eye upon the crowd before her. All was as it should be, Dande thought as Qui-Gon rolled his eyes and shook his head in disbelief.

The End