Wedding Bell Blues
Part 2
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
And when the spark of youth someday surrenders
I will hold your hand to see you through
The years may come and go
But there´s one thing I know
Love is all there is when I'm with you
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“This really is the most extraordinary story we´ve ever covered.” The woman, dressed immaculately in a lightweight summer suit lowered her sunglasses as she looked around. “You said…thirty women?”
Laure nodded, smiling brightly for the two cameramen who followed, filming everything. “Yes.”
“All to the same man?”
“That´s right.” The ever-present weight of Modern Bride was hefted for the other woman´s inspection. “What do you think? Should I go with a tulle overskirt or mesh over silk?”
“Uh…”
“It´s still warm, but I really don´t like the sleeveless look. So…gauche.”
The producer from TLC´s ‘A Wedding Story´ offered a weak smile, looking around and trying to figure out what was going on. Perhaps all of them were cousins? From the Appalachians? Or maybe… “Is there going to be a Temple ceremony?”
Laure looked up from the magazine and shook her head. “Oh, lord, no! I mean, true he was raised there and all, but I don´t think they´d let us back in after what happened last time at the Temple.”
“Raised in-“
“Look at this veil! Isn´t that beautiful?” Laure stopped walking to stare thoughtfully at the photo, her lips a moue. “I wonder if I could find a couple of little girls to carry the end of my train? Cara is far too young still, of course, but…”
With a weak smile, the producer leaned over to whisper to one of the cameramen. “Keep rolling continuously. We either have one hell of a story for the show or we have a cult. Either way, they´ll love it.”
Laure sighed, looking up. “Do you think a forty foot train is over doing it?”
~*~
“No!” Emmy swung one clunky-shod foot as she rejected yet another of the dresses Dande was attempting to get her to agree to wear.
“Emmy, you only get married once! It should be memorable and your dress is one of the most important elements of any young woman´s dream wedding!” The Uber Wench hefted a copy of Better Brides and pointed to another dress. “What about this?”
“I have two words for you, Wench. Big. Bow.” Emmy flicked a disdainful finger at the glossy page.
“But it´s-“
“No.”
With a sigh, Dande moved on to the next dress. “Now this one is in champagne which is a tad softer than pure white, and…well, considering the circumstances it might-“
“What circumstances?”
Dande sighed again. “The circumstances you all live under.”
“We´re not victims of some male domination thing, here Dande.” The Diva´s foot swung faster. “We´re intelligent women who run a well-respected university.”
“And happen to all be boinking the same man.”
Emmy shrugged. “Yeah, so?”
How to put this delicately? Dande used her most gentle ‘explaining´ voice. “Pure white is for young women who haven´t had relations with a man.”
“That rules out all thirty of us,” the Diva agreed with a smug grin. “Cause, baby, we boink him wherever and whenever we can!”
“Yes, I know, and-“
Emmy frowned. “Except lately.” Faster, more agitated foot swinging. “I can´t remember the last appointment I had.”
Dande tried to lead the conversation back to the topic. “So I think you should go with more of an off-white. Like this, this one is candlelight.”
Whatever the Diva was going to say was cut off as the campus-wide PA system blared to life. “Yo, Ho´s! Haul yer butts over to the lawn in front of the Admin Building pronto!”
Dande blinked in astonishment. “Julia?”
“See what not getting any does to a grrl?” Emmy flapped a hand.
Sere´s voice came on the PA. “That means you too, Kenobi!”
“What´s going on?”
“Let´s go find out.”
~~*~~
“Oh…” Pelham tugged at his collar, which seemed rather tight all of a sudden. “The student body is..er…producing…uh…”
“Ho´s?” One alarmed mother clutched her daughter to her side.
“Pirates of Penzance!” Pelham blurted out.
“Pardon?” The businessman there just to appease his wife looked up from his Palm Pilot.
“They´re producing a version of the play and that was calling all of the cast members to the rehearsal,” the Lavender Lord smoothly explained. He congratulated himself on a savvy save, offering an only slightly condescending smile. “Why don´t we detour around the Administration Building until after rehearsal?”
“I want to see it!” brawked one of the Princess girls there for a tour of her prospective university. “Mummy! Tell him to take us there!”
“Oh, really, it´s better if we don´t-“
“Who pays for this university, good man?” The idiot father puffed up as he stared at Pelham.
To his credit, Pelham didn´t bother informing them that his male lover had paid for a portion, or that Galactic Powerball winnings had paid for other parts, while a good portion was made off mining. He was a Peer of the Gentry. Above such petty things.
And if they wanted to see what the *real* HSU was like, well…. Pelham smiled coolly and bowed infinitesimally. “If you will follow me?”
~~*~~
“I wanted him in a black loincloth!” JenJen crossed her arms.
“No, in his bike leathers!” Ky, looking equally stubborn, glared right back.
Laure shook her head at the two. “The groom should be dressed in an appropriate tuxedo. Gray for morning weddings and black for evening.” She held up her copy of Miss Manners Wedding Tips.
“All right, just get on the risers and smile!” Julia stalked past, gesturing for grrls to arrange themselves on the risers. “We´re only gonna do this once, people!”
“I was hoping for a kilt,” Tara told Kendra. “And a pipe and drum band to march us in.”
“Think it´ll rain?” Kendra looked up at the sky. “I just wanted him wet.”
“I just wanted an appointment to fook him senseless,” Julia growled. “Now…get. On. The. Risers.”
The two water Ho´s hopped up on the lower riser and gave each other a look. “Wow. I guess this is why having an EA can save your sanity?”
Tara shrugged. “Don´t know that I´d call Dor sane.”
Kendra nodded. “True…”
“I heard that!” Dor, dressed in purple and black, Maker´s bottle in her hand, stomped up to stand at the end of the row. “Careful or I´ll turn your Padawan into a goat.”
“He´s going back anyways,” Kendra sighed. “They sent the wrong one.”
It was a motley, hodgepodge group assembled on the risers. Some in basic black. Some in dresses. Shorts. Tank tops. Silk shirts. Doc Martens. Bare feet.
“Crap.” Julia sighed and rubbed her forehead. “I´m supposed to get a decent wedding photo out of this?” She leaned on her tripod and glared at the group.
“Dare I hope that I fit somewhere in these plans?”
The voice was all wrong. Petulant. Not smooth and drawling. Or growling.
Just another thing shot all to hell thanks to Cal. Julia shoved her sunglasses up and turned to face him. “Oh, you fit, all right.” Tight grin.
Answered by a rather grim smile and one arched eyebrow.
But no stance.
It was all wrong.
“Where do you want me?” Obi-Wan frowned as his question came out rather whiney instead of the smooth purring innuendo he had intended.
What sort of hex had Cal placed them under?
Shaking her head, Julia grabbed Obi-Wan´s arm and led him over to the risers. “Up. Just stand there. I don´t care *what* anyone tells you to do, or wear, or say. Just. Stand. There.” She pointed to the spot. “Got it?”
Obi-Wan blinked at the rather forceful instructions and nodded. Best not to argue with a grrl in that mood.
"I'm First Wife, I should stand on his right!" Emmy marched up, also dressed in black and purple, and planted herself on the riser to the right of the General.
Her Glare of Death dared anyone to come and mess with her claim.
The Diva smirked, always proud of her own power, and settled in next to the General for the wedding photo that she didn't want to take.
Then she glanced up and saw the TLC camera crew.
"What the fuck are they doing here?!" she yelled.
"Well, I never," gasped a fainthearted woman in Pelham's tour group.
"Diva," Dande chirped as she observed the scene. "Remember, always smile and use gentle words when there's a camera about."
Suddenly Max marched by with his troops, shouting like a drill sergeant in Latin.
Pelham quickly regrouped. "Ladies and Gentlemen, if you will follow me, we'll now observe the highlight of our History Department, historical reenactments of actual battles from the Roman Empire," he said, smiling proudly as the suckers bought it with oohs and aahs.
"They're filming my wedding, of course," Laure sniffed, trying not to glance up at her bedroom window on which Commo's face and hands were plastered.
The Diva growled.
The Nurse swore and flipped her hair.
Kendra and Tara felt not quite right about the whole thing.
"BASTARD!" Dor yelled at Xani, who was laughing hysterically from his perch atop the Tower.
"Dor," Dande said soothingly. "Remember, Xani had a difficult childhood. I'll bake some more cookies, he'll be fine, okiday?"
"Very good," Pelham said, ushering the group of parents and high school students off the pavement and toward the rugby pitch. "You will be most impressed, I´m sure."
The General groaned - well, it was more like a whimper - and rubbed his forehead.
"Oh no, you put those cameras down!" Emmy ordered, marching off the bleachers and toward the camera crew.
"DIVA!" Julia yelled. "Get your butt back up there!"
"Bite me," Emmy replied, as she strode toward the camera crew with righteous fury.
"That's right," Judy said, leaping off the bleachers and swinging her bat in a threatening manner. "Get these cameras out of here, or eat splinters!"
"Judy," Dande gently called. "Remember, violence, especially on your wedding day, only breeds more violence."
The camera crew began to back away slowly.
"Such a lovely day for a wedding," the TLC producer tried to say in a very upbeat and soothing manner.
The General, fearing yet another lawsuit upon seeing the Diva clench her fist and Judy raise her bat, rushed forward and scooted the Bartender to the other side of the bleachers, and then with Jedi speed, he ushered the Diva away from the producer.
And right onto the lawn just as the sprinklers turned on.
"Uh oh," Dande said.
"HE'S WET!" Kendra and Tara exclaimed simultaneously, high fiving each other.
Emmy's expression turned ice cold as she stared at the General, her hair dripping into her eyes as it plastered to her face. "You. Will. Pay." she said through gritted teeth before turned on her heel and marching back to the Admin Building.
The Nurse, grateful for the diversions, jumped off the bleachers and ran back to the Clinic.
Laure just smiled, figuring it would only take a few more minutes for the rest of the Ho's to disperse so she could have her proper wedding covered, with the General all to herself.
The General, countenance stiff and quite displeased, made the mistake of glancing at the TLC crew as he stepped back to the pavement and rubbed the water off his face.
"Oh my God, I think I'm going to swoon," Kendra squeaked.
"I think you already did," Tara squeaked back.
"General Kenobi!" the producer said, hurrying over to him. "We'd like to do a spot with you now, get your reaction to your big day, tell us why you want to marry all these beautiful women." She waved the cameras to her side.
"There is no wedding today," he said, in that quiet tone that seemed cordial to the rest of the world, but all Ho's knew it meant barely contained fury.
"Uh oh," Dande said again.
The director smiled. "But *when* you get married--"
"There will be no wedding," he said. "Not today, not tomorrow, not next week, next MONTH, OR NEXT YEAR!"
The director blinked. "But--"
"NOW GET OFF MY PROPERTY!!"
The remaining Ho's blinked as well.
Dande tried not to smile too big. Obi-Wan was such an impressive young man.
"Yes but," the director said, "you all are married, correct?"
The General sighed with frustration and ran his hand through his hair. "That will soon be over."
"So you're divorcing them, then?"
The General cleared his throat, and replied as calmly as he could. "We are a university."
"You are a university," the director replied.
"University," the camera crew mumbled.
"We are not a harem, a brothel, or a polygamous compound," the General said.
"You are not a harem, a brothel, or a polygamous compound," the director replied.
"Harem, brothel, polyg..yg..yg," the camera crew replied.
"BROTHEL??" Julia fired back, hands on her hips.
"Julia," Dande cooed. "Remember, he's only trying to help. It's sweet, really."
"These are independent women who do as they wish, and I am not a man who believes that women need to be kept barefoot, pregnant, and where they belong, so to speak," the General said very, very quietly but intently. "So you need to leave and never return."
"What'd he say??" Dande said, looking at all the Ho's for help. "Anybody hear what he said??"
"Something about barefoot and pregnant?" Kendra said.
"Oh, he's a dead man," Julia said.
"I could do that," Laure beamed. "I mean, I'm already barefoot most of the time."
Judy clenched her bat.
"We need to leave and never return," the director said.
"Never return," the camera crew replied.
"Good bye," the General said through his teeth. He turned to look at Julia, and then looked away, showing absolutely no interest in discussion. And then he stalked back to the Admin Building.
"You have to admit, he does look good doing that," Kendra sighed.
"I'd better make sure he's alright," Laure said hurrying off the bleachers.
But before she could get very far, Judy blocked her path, holding her bat like a riot cop with a big club. "Don't. Even."
"Like your taking over his home and chintzing him out wasn't enough to drive him over the edge," Dor snorted.
"I did not take over his home!" Laure protested.
"And what's wrong with chintz?" Dande said.
"Not to mention calling a camera crew out here," Kendra said.
"Well, at least I'm grateful to be married to him unlike the rest of you," Laure replied, crossing her arms. "The camera crew was my special way of showing him that I'm happy to be his wife."
"YEAH, GREAT JOB THAT DID, TOO!!" Tara suddenly yelled.
Everyone stopped and stared at Tara, backing away from her a bit.
"Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry," Tara replied, trying to breathe. "I'm fine. Really. I'm fine. It's just. He was wet. And now he's gone, and--"
"I understand," Kendra said, patting her on the shoulder.
"Well, I'm still going to treat him properly even if the rest of you don't," Laure said.
"Oh, give it a rest," Julia said.
Dor slid off her bleacher and slumped down on the asphalt. "So is Commo available now?"
"NO!"
The other Ho's snickered.
"Hey, I was just asking," Dor said defensively. "Just curious."
"Dande," Laure said, ignoring everyone else, including Commo banging on the window. "Would you like to have tea?"
"Lovely idea," Dande said. "It just so happens that I made scones this morning."
Suddenly Laure yelped as something thwapped her on the butt. She looked down and gasped as blue paint covered her clothes. Then she looked up and saw Xani standing atop the Tower with a paint gun, cheering himself onto to victory.
Dor burst out laughing but then coughed as something thwapped against her chest. She looked down to see herself covered in yellow. "YOU BASTARD!!" she yelled, scrambling up and running toward the Tower.
"DOR! You'd better do something about him or my bat will have its way!!" Judy yelled, now covered in green paint.
Julia, now purple, angrily stormed back to her studio to find the staple gun.
Dande simply stood facing the tower, arms crossed, and eyebrow arched.
Xani aimed at the Wench.
Dande put on her, "Who do you think you're messing with?" face.
Xani frowned.
"Xanatos," Dande chided.
Xani sighed and sulked back inside.
~~*~~
Lindsey looked around the pub, Ho's everywhere chattered quite loudly. "Ladies. Ladies, if you'll quiet down, I'll get started."
"Don't wave that evil hand at me," Shana said.
"I wasn't waving at you."
"You were."
"Was not."
"Were to."
"Excuse me," the General said rather impatiently, stepping between Lindsey and Shana. "Could we get on with this?"
"Right," Lindsey said, turning to face the gathered Ho's. "Ladies! Ladies!"
"EVERYBODY SHUT UP!!" Julia yelled.
Instantly, the room fell silent, everyone rather nervous at Julia's newfound rage.
"Right, get on with it," Julia said, flapping her hand at Lindsey.
"Now that," Kendra whispered to Tara, "is a frightening example of what happens when a Ho doesn't get kilted."
"This will just take a few minutes," Lindsey said. "Very briefly, I can annul these marriages with no problem."
"Thank God," the Diva said.
"But you'll have to abstain from any sexual activity until the annulments are final," Lindsey added.
"Which will be?" Tara asked.
"Forty eight hours tops."
"Forty eight hours??" came the collective response.
"Hey," Lindsey replied defensively. "It could have been two weeks."
"Well, no skin off my nose," Darry said, sauntering toward the door.
"Oh no you don't," Judy said, grabbing her bat.
"Excuse me?" Darry said.
"Forget it, Nurse," Emmy said. "If the Gratefuls have to suffer, so do the Ungratefuls."
"Ha!" Darry replied.
"I'm with Darry," Dor said.
"We're shocked," said Laure.
"What are you worried about?" Darry said to Laure. "You don't have to put up with this shit either."
"No," Laure said. "Thanks to you, I have to put up with ten times more shit."
"Hey, I didn't tell Commo anything that wasn't true," the Nurse replied, examining her nails.
"Bitch."
"Cow."
"Oh, this is very productive," Shana said.
"Hey," Emmy said. "He's *your* evil hand. If he were truly an evil hand, this would all be done with."
"First of all," Shana said, "I don't claim any responsibility for the evil hand. And second, you should be grateful that he's even doing this for us."
Laure gasped dramatically. "Is the Diva being ungrateful?"
"Shut up."
"Grrls," Tara said, "I'm sure we can all be friendly about this."
"You're joking, right?" Kendra said.
"Besides which," Emmy said, "since I'm First Wife, that means I get the first annulment."
"Oh please!" was the collective response.
"Just think of what Xani will do if he's unsupervised," Dor said. "You really don't want him alone, I'd better go--"
"Oh no," Emmy said, "if you hadn't blown the roof off the Library, none of this would have happened."
"What??" Dor said. "How do you figure that?"
"Diva logic," Laure said.
"It's obvious to anyone who has a rational thought process," Emmy said.
"How is it obvious?" Dor asked pointedly.
"It. Just. Is." Emmy said.
"Well, I've had enough of this shit," Darry said, threatening Judy with purple lightning as she hurried to the door.
Only to find it locked.
The Nurse shook the door. Then she stepped back and prepared to purple lightning the door.
"If you so much as singe my door, God help your first husband," Judy said, smacking the bat into the palm of her hand.
"Where's the General?" Julia asked.
"He didn't," Emmy said.
Darry growled and turned to face the Ho's. "He did."
"He locked us in??!!" Kendra exclaimed.
"Oh my God, he's really off his nut," Emmy said.
"Who's going to feed my padawan??" Kendra asked with a fair amount of panic. "If he dies of starvation, I won't be able to exchange him!"
"That evil hand is *dead*," Shana said, noticing that Lindsey, too, had slipped out unnoticed.
"Okay, everybody stay calm!!" Dor yelled, nervously grabbing for the bottle of Makers.
The others just looked at her as they stood quietly.
The Diva paced back and forth for several seconds. "I'm sure in just a few minutes he'll remember what happened the last time he locked us up, and he'll come to his senses and unlock the door."
The Ho's all looked at each other. And then half of them ran to the front of the pub and half ran to the back and began banging on all the doors and yelling threats and demands for release.
~~*~~
"Would you look at that," the Polygamy Pals Poobah said, staring intently through his binoculars from his position in the bushes just at the edge of campus.
"What is it?" one of them asked.
"He's got them locked up," the Poobah replied.
"So *that's* how he does it!"
"Alright, men," the Poobah said. "We have to find the General."
~*~
"What do you mean you can't come here?" Kendra demanded as she spoke on the phone. "This is an emergency and we need help now," she insisted. "Hold on a sec," the Ho growled, before putting her hand over the mouthpiece and glancing at Tara.
"And the problem is?" Tara questioned as she worked on whittling down a drink umbrella to us as a pick to unlock the pub door.
"The stupid 911 operator knows my voice and knows this phone number...she says she won't send anyone out here unless it's a real emergency and not me or you calling," Kendra snorted before Tara grabbed the phone from the other Ho's hand.
"Look here phone chick, this is a real emergency this time...yes...yes I know we called last time about the burning shrubs...and the time before that about the patch of grass that was on fire...fine, we called then as well when it looked as if lightning might strike at any minute. Hey, don't give me that...we've been locked in the pub by the General and Judy is threatening to beat anyone who harms a single item in here," Tara explained in annoyance as she held the phone between the two Ho's.
"That's not right, we did not deserve to be locked in here," Kendra shouted. "Besides, I've got a padawan who might starve to death if I don't get out of here soon."
"What do you mean we should be calling Testosterone County Mental Health Hospital instead?" Tara loudly objected.
"They're talking loony bin, hang the phone up before they cart the two of you out of here," Dor slurred from the barstool, empty bottles of Makers surrounded her. "On second thought...that would get us out of here," she sighed before slumping heavily against the bar.
"See what the rest of you have done to the General," Laure snapped from the cabaret as she sat precariously on her swing while Emmy and Darry held the rope. The plan was to raise the swing high enough to reach the skylight and then shimmy onto the roof, crawl down the drainpipe, and unlock the front door. Simple enough for a Ho that was still thinking marriage and happily ever after with the General.
"Us?" Emmy exclaimed as she and Darry hoisted the swing higher and began to give the rope a little tug to move the swing back and forth. "Excuse me, but I wasn't the one who nearly blinded the man with chintz and sent him running out of his own flat mumbling incoherently," the Diva insisted as Laure sneered at her when she whizzed by.
"And don't drag me into this...I'm already married. I don't need a damn harem like Dor does," Darry shot back as Laure glared at her on the second pass by the two Ho's.
"Ha, you two just don't know how to handle the General and make this marriage work. You're both...both...ungrateful," Laure added as the swing began to pick up even more momentum as the Diva and Darry got pissed.
"Slow it down, I'm getting dizzy," the Chanteuse insisted as she clutched the swing in a death grip, the floor below her blurring with the speed of the swing.
"So, I'm ungrateful, what of it?" Darry calmly mused.
"That's it, I'm not going to be called...ungrateful when I'm the one who isn't shacked up with a blood sucker and a demented emperor," the Diva exclaimed before suddenly letting go of the rope, leaving only Darry holding on. However, it was just a matter of seconds before the Nurse had rope burn on her hands and was pulled half way across the cabaret floor by the swing.
"Shit!" Darry shouted before letting go of the rope and sending Laure to crash into the boxes along the far wall with an ear-shattering scream.
"I've got to give it to her, she does have one hell of an octave range," Emmy sighed before leaving the Cabaret and returning to the pub.
Judy patrolled the pub, like a warden in a cellblock, nobody, repeat nobody was going to destroy one stick of anything in her precious pub, or they'd have to face the mercy of her bat. And quite frankly, all that practice in the batting cage this past summer had paid off quite well.
"Judy, do you have your cell phone?" Julia questioned as she strolled over to the prowling bartender.
"Sure...why?" Judy quizzed as she handed the cell phone over to Julia.
"Seems the water twins are hogging the bar phone trying to convince the fire company it's a real emergency, so I need to borrow the phone for an important call to Dande," Julia explained as she and Judy suddenly exchanged wicked grins.
After dialing the cottage, Julia and Judy listened for the Wench to pick up. However, all they got was the answering machine and its familiar theme to 'Gone With the Wind' playing before hearing Dande's voice telling all who called she was sorry to have missed their call but to please leave a brief message and make sure to dish the dish.
"Dande, it's Julia...there's a slight emergency at the pub, can you send Quigs over?" the Ho explained before Judy grabbed the phone from her hands.
"That will never work," Judy whispered before speaking into the phone. "Dande tell Qui-Gon there's some good betting action going on with the Winston Cup race...he could make a fortune with a possible change in the points standing with today's race," the bartender added before ending the phone conversation abruptly and smiling triumphantly.
"You are gooood," Julia grinned before she and Judy did a high-five.
"Da Mastah should be here any moment now," Judy sighed as she and Julia walked to the door, pushing angry Ho's out of their way.
The two Ho's had not even arrived at the front door when it suddenly opened, and silhouetted in the doorway stood Da Mastah, who was quickly being brushed aside by a barrage of Ho's as they quickly made their escape.
~*~
Darry ran toward the Clinic like a woman possessed. She never thought she'd say thank God for da Mastah, but thank God for da Mastah for having a gambling addiction. The abstinence rule no longer applied to her. What the hell did she care? She had Cic, after all.
With a huge sense of relief, she reached to open the Clinic door. She groaned with exasperation when she discovered it was locked. Jamming her hands into her scrub pockets, she found the key and quickly worked to unlock the door.
But even after the click of the locks, the door still wouldn't open.
"What the hell?" Darry smacked the door, but it remained solidly closed. She then slammed her shoulder against it. "Fuck," she said, rubbing her now injured shoulder.
Then she smirked. So it was somebody's bright idea to lock her out. Nothing a little purple lightning wouldn't fix.
She stepped to the middle of the hallway and fired at the door.
"Wha?!" she yelled, ducking as the purple lightning simply bounced off the door and came rocketing back toward her.
"Whoa, sweetheart, you gotta watch the reflective juice on that."
Darry turned with annoyance and confusion to see Lorne sashaying down the hall toward her.
"Sorry," he said, throwing up his hands. "I was rather hesitant about doing the whole thing in the first place." He stopped and looked at the impenetrable door and placed a hand on his hip. "I knew I should have at least put a sign up to warn you."
"What the hell is going on?" the Nurse asked not very nicely, fingers still crackling.
"Tolothian demon hex," Lorne said nonchalantly. "Mind you, I am loathe to do anything of the sort, but it's a little trick I learned back in L.A. to keep the riff raff out of my liquor stock." Then he laughed. "Oh, who am I kidding," he said, playfully tapping Darry's arm, "they were *all* riff raff."
Darry paused for a moment. "Laure put you up to this."
Lorne sighed. "Like I said, I don't enjoy doing it anymore than you enjoy being locked out. But you *know* how a chanteuse can be." Lorne closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. "All that shouting," he kvetched. "I'm going to need at least two more yoga sessions to get rid of this headache."
"You're going to need more than yoga if you don't open this door RIGHT NOW!!" the Nurse threatened.
Lorne opened his eyes. "Stop! In the name of love," he began to sing.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"Before you break my heart." Lorne placed his hands over his heart and gave Darry a puppy dog look.
As much as a green-skinned demon can look like a puppy.
"Please dear," he said. "This wasn't *my* idea."
"Then just undo whatever it is you did," Darry growled.
Lorne shrugged. "No can do, doll."
"Why not?!"
"It's timed. Once you reach the 48-hour mark, it will give way all by itself. There's nothing I can do in the meantime. I wouldn't know how to undo it before the time is up, and, let me tell you, it took more than my usual effort to figure out how to make it work that way. The Tolothian books are *worthless*," he bemoaned with a flap of his hand. "I tell you, they make Kid Rock look like a Rhodes scholar."
Darry growled impatiently.
"But I swear, this is the extent of my dabbling in demon voodoo." Lorne said, crossing his heart.
"What if there is an emergency??" Darry said. "And the doctor is locked in the Clinic??"
Lorne chuckled. "Listen, cherie, I know what a burden this is and that you want nothing more than to march in there and do what you do. But you know and I know that if one woman around here suffers, *everybody* has to suffer," he said with quite a bit of flourish.
Darry stared at Lorne, lips puckered in annoyance. "You tell Laure that if I find her, she's going to be sorry that--"
"Ooh, violence is just too upsetting," Lorne said, tapping his fingers on his ear. "You're going to have to talk to her yourself, darling. Tell you what, you come down to the cabaret, and I'll buy you nice martini, soothe the nerves a bit."
"Get out of my face," Darry said, jamming her hands in her scrub pockets again to find her cell phone.
Lorne just shrugged and turned on his heel, walking down the hall and singing, "What the world needs now, is love sweet love...."
TBC