Title: HSU - Wedding Bell Blues, 1/3
Authors: Kendra, Julia, and Emmy
Rating: BAF (Big Ass Fic)
Disclaimer: Yadda yadda as always
Notes: This truly was a group effort. And it was a fabulous exercise! Three brains are definitely better than one. There really isn't one scene here that wasn't influenced by the ideas and additions from the other two.

"Look, I don't care if he's busy, I need to speak to him!" Kendra shouted into the phone as she glanced once more to the padawan beside her. "Listen, and listen to me good, that little green troll sent me the wrong padawan, and if he doesn't return my call I won't be responsible for what I might do!" the General's secretary promised as she slammed the phone down.

Sure the padawan was sexy, cute, and all that good stuff. But she had ordered a brunette with emerald green eyes and stubbled cheeks, yet here stood a blonde-haired padawan with blue eyes and cheeks as soft as a newborn's butt. This so wasn't the model she had chosen, and the little green gob of troll had double-crossed her.

"Kendra, love? What is going on?" the General questioned as he opened his office door to see what all the threats and shouts were all about. After taking a quick assessment of the situation, seeing his secretary none too happy, a tall, lanky blonde padawan hovering behind her, the General was smart enough to know when to retreat.

"Oh...I see...ah, love, when you get a chance could you let me know when the lawyer calls this morning," he gently tried to persuade but the look of dismay on his secretary's face changed his mind. "Never mind, I'll get the phone myself, you just relax and try to...what exactly happened?" the General found himself asking, the curiosity getting the better of him.

Kendra stood indignantly and waved her hand to the padawan beside her. "Can't you see? Sheesh, this isn't the padawan I paid for, he's got blonde hair, no stubble...dammit, Yoda sent me the wrong model," she snapped as the General nodded his head in feigned understanding.

"I see," he sighed before pushing his glasses up on his head and running his hands across his face. Hell, he didn't honestly see, but he wasn't about to push the matter when obviously it was keeping one of his grrls occupied with something other than the mass wedding. "Yell if you need my help with Master Yoda, I'm sure I can...well maybe I can...If you want me to...I have some medicine for a headache in my desk drawer, don't I?"

"I sure hope you have something for a headache, cause I don't cherish the thought of anyone going near the Nurse right about now," Kendra winced at the thought before the phone rang and she lifted her brow to glance at the General.

His confused look at her meaning for one brief moment made his secretary shake her head in annoyance. "Oh...the phone, I'll get it," the General suggested before walking back into the safety of his office. It was going to be a very long day, correction, a very long week, and to add insult to injury, he couldn't understand why none of his grrls wanted to be married to him.

~~*~~

"EMMY!" Dande exclaimed as she grabbed the Diva and hugged the stuffing out of her. "Congratulations!"

"Ha!" Emmy replied as she stomped into the cottage.

"I'm so happy for you and Obi-Wan," Dande gushed.

"Listen, the last thing I want is to be married. Now I'm going to get all old and boring." Emmy paused for a nanosecond. "No offense."

"Now I know this probably came as a bit of a surprise, but--"

"A *bit* of a surprise??"

"Relax," Dande said, "and just enjoy it."

"Enjoy what?? Being married to a man with thirty other wives??"

Dande smiled reassuringly. "Just look at it this way, you'll have lots of help with the housework."

The Diva glowered. "This marriage is OVER."

"Now, now, Diva girl," Dande said, patting Emmy on the shoulder.

"And I don't even have a ring!!" Emmy said, flopping down on the sofa as Qui-Gon turned his chair to face the wall in the hopes that she'd just disappear if he couldn't see her. "What kind of husband doesn't give his wife a ring??"

"Well, it was rather sudden," Dande said.

"What kind of excuse is that?? If he were any kind of loving husband, he would make sure that I had a diamond and platinum ring with a four-prong setting, a Vera Wang sleeveless A-line gown with 14-inch train, roses and stephanotis, a string quartet playing Vivaldi's Four Seasons and Bach's Brandenburg Concerto, and he *certainly* would have made sure that the chairs on south hill were facing east so that our guests would have the sun in their eyes!"

"But Emmy--"

"And not to mention a honeymoon in Bali!"

Dande smiled the patient Wench smile. "But Emmy, I thought you didn't want to be married."

"That's not the point!"

"Well, since you *are* married, you could have all those things now."

"Don't be ridiculous."

"In fact," Dande said, her Wenchichorians causing her eyes to glow in an almost frightening manner, "we could plan a wedding right now! Better yet, we can plan thirty weddings right now! I'd better call Pelham."

Both the Diva and da Mastah groaned as Dande hurried to the phone.

~~*~~

A squad of men wearing black pants, white short-sleeved shirts and black ties rode up on their bicycles and stopped in front of Wanker U's graffiti-marked banner. "Excuse me," one of the men held out a hand towards a student walking past. "We are searching for Elder Reverend Cal and have followed the signs and wonders until we came here."

Another of the fresh-faced, blonde boys nodded enthusiastically. "Indeed, he is Most Wondrous!" The pack of blue-eyed, blonde boys all nodded, looking like some weird synchronized Brady Bunch Reunion Biker Bash.

"Uh..." The student pushed his glasses up his nose and gave them a perplexed look. "We do have a new Theology Section, but -"

"Blessed Wheels and Spokes that guide us, we have found him!"

The student just pointed, before watching in stunned silence as the group pedaled away. He stared at the flyer they had pushed into his hands and scrunched up his nose. "Polygamy Pals?"

~~*~~

Laure found herself too giddy to sleep, even after her late night set at the cabaret. So in the early morning light, the ex-mediator propped herself up with silk covered pillows, her one vice left from her 'other' life, and leafed casually through a stack of magazines.

"Oh...this will be perfect," Laure smiled as she dog-eared another page and then continued to flip to the next one. "I love these as well," she mused before finishing her browsing and throwing the magazine to the floor where it joined a rather monstrous stack.

Scattered about the bedside were the most recent copies of Modern Bridal, Home Life, My Wife and Kids, Today's Woman, Yesterday's Woman, The Bride and her Man.you name it, the chanteuse had been reading it. Maybe married life was the way to go after all, she thought to herself as she grabbed the TV remote and then proceeded to find 'A Wedding Story'.

~~*~~

"Do I look like a maid??" Dor demanded, standing before the mess of empty plates and glasses next to Xani's computer desk.

"I dunno," he grunted, entranced in yet another round of Fling the Cow.

"Well," Dor sniffed, turning away from Xani and sauntering back to her spell book. "I'm sure my husband won't be such a slob," she said casually but keeping her eye on Xani to watch for his reaction.

"No, he just leaves his scrunchies all over the floor for me slip on in the middle of the night," Xani replied, still staring at his computer.

"I wasn't talking about Pelham," Dor said, nonchalantly flipping through the spellbook. "I was talking about my *husband*."

Xani paused. He turned in his chair. "You and Pelham got married?"

Dor sighed. "No, stupid, I married Obi-Wan."

Xani shot out of his chair. "You did WHAT??"

Dor grinned real big just to rub it in. "I said, I married Obi-Wan."

"You did WHAT??" Xani repeated, stomping over to Dor.

"Are you deaf?" she asked.

"You're lying," Xani said, eyeing her suspiciously.

"Nope," Dor said.

Xani stared at her with his mouth hanging open.

"You can hardly blame me," Dor said. "He's such a responsible--"

"Bore," Xani interjected.

Dor shrugged.

Xani turned to Pelham who hadn't so much as glanced up from his book. "Did you know about this??"

"Of course," Pelham sighed.

"They why didn't you tell me?!" Xani demanded.

Pelham shrugged and continued to read.

Xani marched over and ripped Pelham's book out of his hands.

Pelham sighed louder. "What would have been the point? This will all be settled in a matter of days."

"Oh look! Cookies from Dande!" Dor announced, trying to disrupt the conversation that now didn't seem to be going her way.

"What do you mean by settled?" Xani asked, keeping his eyes on Pelham but backing up toward the cookies.

"Good cookies, too!" Dor exclaimed. "Probably the best ever!"

Pelham stood and patted the wrinkles out of his jacket. "It's not as though it's a legal marriage, with that idiot Cal marrying them all at the same time while none of the rest of them knew what was going on."

Xani's eyebrows rose. Then he turned and looked at Dor.

"What??" she said.

And Xani burst out laughing.

"Shut up!"

"So you're stuck married to the do gooder because of *Cal*??"

Dor frowned. "It doesn't change the fact that I am married…HEY!" Dor slapped Xani as he leaned forward against her desk and laughed hysterically.

~~*~~

Stretched out. Prostrate before the words of his god. Cal was uncomfortable.

His goat hair shirt itched, but it was said to bring great piety. So far all it brought was a great rash and an odd smell. Splinters dug into his thighs, his hands, other parts that Cal tried, really tried, not to think about.

After all, he was now a holy man. He had to remain celibate.

Not that this had ever been a problem before.

He stared at the charcoaled words burned into the wood. Runes again. Undecipherable. What was his god trying to tell him?

“Oh lord…” Cal rested his nose against the wood again, wincing as the grain cut into his nostrils. “Help me see. I redeemed those vulgar women from their wicked ways. What is it you want me to do here?”

“Dude!”

Cal didn´t look up. It couldn´t be his god. Surely no god would use the term dude?

“Listen, um….monk dude, you´re on our ramp and we have to practice. The Xtreme Games are coming up and we´re in, man!”

Cal lifted just his head to see who was talking to him. One of the students stood at the top of the u-shaped skate ramps, board in hand. He looked baffled. No doubt he had never seen someone as pious as Cal and was in awe. “Greetings, my hippie child.” Cal wafted what he thought was the right hand gestures towards the kid. “I bless you in the name of my god.”

“Uh, right, dude. Look, we´re gonna shred, so…like, you need to move.”

Music, so loud the wood began to throb with the beat, blasted out of a CD player.

“I can´t!” Cal yelled. He pulled the hood of his vestments over his head and pressed his nose back in the wood. Maybe if he pressed *against* the runes burned into the wood….

Cal whimpered as skateboards began to zip past him. He heard them thudding as they hit the ramp, sliding, soaring…. This couldn´t really be what his god wanted for him, could it? What if….

“DUDE!”

There was a high-pitched girly scream as one of the boards ran over Cal´s hand.

There is a good reason they call it shredding…

~~*~~

It was as if a tidal wave of sound was slowly rolling out of control towards the front of the gathered crowd of Ho's and General. The emergency meeting between Jedi and wives had been called after the campus lawyer, Lindsey, contacted the General informing him that due to some fluke of legal mumbo jumbo...that yes, the General and Ho's had been legally married.

"Grrls...grrls...please," the General tried to calm as he stood before the boisterous crowd and did his best to restore some sort of order to the room.

"So, what you're trying to tell me is that you married me and I didn't even get a ring?" Emmy stated as she crossed her arms over her chest and stared at the General.

"Yeah! Good point," Dor chimed in. "How cheap can you get?" She added as the General was suddenly taken aback by a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. "What?" the Ho questioned as Laure rolled her eyes at the remark.

"That reminds me, what about a honeymoon?" Tara spoke up from the back of the room where she was sitting with Kendra and her padawan, who was sitting perfectly straight and still except for his eyes that were darting back and forth quite nervously.

"Right...don't even think about leaving me out of that," Emmy snapped as she continued to face-off with the Jedi. "And while we're at it, I'd like to make the point that it if I have to be married, then I am, of course, going to be First Wife."

"Oh, of course," Laure said. "I was just waiting for that."

"Yeah, take a number," the Diva said.

"I want to go to the mountains, a nice little cottage by the lake, hiking, watching the stars..." Tara wistfully daydreamed.

"Oh no...no mountains, you know what high altitudes can do to a complexion?" Jen objected.

"Fine, well how about a honeymoon in Tahiti?" Julia exclaimed as she checked the camcorder to make sure the film hadn't run out.

"Hell no, I am not going on a honeymoon with him anywhere," Darry insisted as she stormed into the room.

"Ingrate," Emmy groused.

"Ungrateful," Ky accused.

"Bigamist," Laure smiled.

"Bitch," the Nurse replied to all as the General just reached behind the bar and grabbed the bottle of JD and poured himself a shot.

"That reminds me, Julia, could you get me a copy of the pictures you took the other day during the ceremony...I'm putting together my wedding album," Laure insisted as Julia nearly knocked the tripod over while laughing.

"Sure, fine, whatever," Julia replied. "Well if we're not going on a honeymoon, honeymoon, we should at least set up honeymoon appointments," she added as all heads swiveled to the back of the room and the General's secretary.

"Don't look at me...I've got enough problems with the wrong padawan," Kendra objected as the General rolled his eyes and took another shot of JD. "How am I supposed to fit honeymoon appointments into the normal schedule anyway?" she griped.

"It's your job," Ky snarked.

"Ha, ha..." Kendra snarled. "Fine, but if I have to figure out a honeymoon schedule then I want the Gen decked out in black leather for our official wedding photos," she added.

"Fine with me, as long as I have him in the kilt and with his glasses on in mine," Judy chimed in.

"Well then I want him in his black uniform with his FM boots," Dor spoke up and the room suddenly became silent. "Hey, everyone else was asking for something special," she protested as the gathered Ho's stared in disbelief then continued talking once more.

"Now what has me worried is how we're going to get out of this marriage deal," Tara mused as in one blur of motion the Ho's looked to the bar and at the General who had been previously forgotten.

The General could feel the entire crowd watching him without even looking up, and for a brief moment he thought seriously about ignoring the last question and pretending not to notice his grrls staring at him. After all, it wasn't like they were really interested in being married to him anyway, but with a deep breath and one more shot, he stood tall and faced the disgruntled crowd.

"So? Are we getting divorced before we've even had an 'official' flowers, cake, gown, limo, type wedding or what?" Emmy demanded as she crossed one leg over the other and kicked her clunky shoed foot like a deadly weapon.

"Well...according to...Shana, would you like to explain what the lawyer said," the General quickly insisted.

"Fine, we're married, we're stuck with the General, we file for annulment immediately, but there can be no 'relations' for a sixteen-week period," Shana stated, thinking back to what Lindsey had laughingly told her.

"Sixteen weeks, hells we'll die," Tara winced.

"I'll never make it," Kendra wailed.

"Oh shut up, it's not that long a time," Darry ordered.

"Yeah, for someone who is boi...busy with the doctor twenty-four, seven," Judy glared.

"Well there is the option of annulment Mexican style...no boinking for two weeks, and everyone to their separate corners," Shana stated.

"Hells, we'll all die except for the Nurse, Dor, and Laure," Tara sighed as she sank her head to the table.

"I object," Laure shouted. "I'll have you know that...well...things are under way now that I'm married," the ex-mediator insisted.

"Don't worry, we'll probably just kill each other off first," Julia helpfully interjected as the General ran his hands over his face and groaned.

"Grrls...please, we need to remain calm," he once again tried to sooth but the sound of objections and bickering just escalated. Suddenly the sound of an earsplitting whistle silenced the entire room in a heartbeat. "Is that all you grrls think of me? That I'm just your...your...boytoy? That I'm not good enough to marry but only good enough for the sex?" the General demanded as he crossed his arms over his chest, then took one last look at his grrls and promptly left the bar.

"Damn, what's his problem?" Emmy demanded as she watched him leave, the door slamming behind him in his wake. The Diva turned to Shana. "You'd better get evil hand boy working on a better solution. I can't stay married to him if he's gonna be acting crazy like this."

~~*~~

The Polygamy Pals stared up at the wrought iron archway that loomed high above them.

"Hestia," the Polygamy Pals Poobah said, pointing to the sign. "This is the place."

A junior Pal inhaled deeply. "I can't believe we finally made it," he stammered nervously. "But how do we proceed without the Elder Reverend Cal?"

"Patience," the Poobah replied. "Calm yourselves. Being unable to find him was a sign that we must trek this journey alone. And as you can see, the gate is wide open." He turned to his junior followers and smiled. "This is also a sign."

"Uh...." another Junior replied. "Sign of what?"

"A sign that we have found our nirvana," Poobah said. "Follow me," he said with a proud smile, leading the way through the gate up the main driveway.

And then a very large black dog pounced from the bushes to block their path, teeth bared.

"Hound of hell!" Poobah yelled with as much authority as was possible for a Poobah. "Stand aside, for we come with the might of-- RUN AWAY!!" Poobah screeched, trampling over his junior Pals as Lasher charged after them, sending them scrambling back to the highway.

~~*~~

Qui-Gon glanced over at his former padawan as the General sighed quite loudly even though nothing of import had occurred during the baseball game. Turning his attention back to the TV, Qui-Gon couldn't help but notice that Obi-Wan was eating popcorn by the handful, possessively clutching the giant bowl in his lap.

And then he sighed again.

Although it had been quite a long time since Obi-Wan had been a teenager, Qui-Gon hadn't forgotten the signals. He picked up the remote and hit the mute button.

"What is it, Obi-Wan?"

"I just don't understand why none of them want to be married to me," the General replied without missing a beat.

"Well, I'm sure that *some* of them might. Take Laure, for instance. You two could build a nice house right next door and--"

"But I don't want to be Ozzie and Harriet to your Howard and Marion, Mastah."

"Huh?"

The General rolled his eyes. "I don't want to be married."

Qui-Gon gave the General a blank stare. "But you were just lamenting how none of *them* wanted to be married, so that seems to indicate that--"

"It's the principle of the mattah, Mastah. Would it be such an awful thing to be married to me?"

"Of course not, Obi-Wan, but you just said--"

"Is the idea in theory such a bad thing?"

Qui-Gon rubbed his forehead. "So then stay married to one of them if that's what you want."

The General sighed with exasperation. "But I don't want to be married! I like things the way they are...or, the way they were. You may as well tell me to cut off my arm than to choose one over the rest of them. I chose this life with *all* of them."

"Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said in that 'don't mess with me boy' Mastah tone of his.

"What??"

"You are sounding just like them."

"And what is that supposed to mean?" the General replied, voice rising higher than normal.

"You are creating drama where there is none," Qui-Gon replied. "Simply have the attorney resolve this situation immediately if you don't wish to be married. If you do want to be married, then stay married to whomever wants to be married and divorce those who don't."

"How can you even suggest that I divorce only some of them?" the General snapped. "Some help you are," he said, rising from his chair and striding out the front door.

Qui-Gon's head dropped with a grunt. He took a breath. He raised his head. "Wishpuff!!"

"Yes Mastah darling?" Dande immediately answered, emerging from the kitchen.

"I need beer!"

Dande frowned slightly. She walked over to the big man's chair and rubbed his shoulders. "Is everything alright? Where did Obi-Wan go?"

"Obi-Wan," da Mastah said through gritted teeth, "is turning into *them*."

"Oooh, don't worry, Mastah Darling," Dande cooed. "Dear Obi just needs some bouncing is all."

"Huh??" da Mastah replied with a scrunched face.

"I'm sure he'll be back to his normal self very soon. After all," Dande said with a giggle, "he has thirty honeymoons coming up!"

Da Mastah, not one to even try to figure out every latest dialect of woman-speak - especially when there was a good game to watch - simply replied "Mm" and turned his attention back to the TV as Dande worked the corded tendons of his neck.

~*~

The General walked slowly toward his flat, trying to piece together his married-don't-wanna-be-married-why-don't-they-wanna-be-married-neither-do-I state of mind into some sort of logical thought process.

He opened his front door, walked inside, and turned the light on.

He squinted and held his hand up to his eyes as he was suddenly assaulted by....

Chintz.

"You're home!"

The General turned to see Laure walking out of his kitchen with a big smile on her face.

"Did you have a good day?" she asked, reaching up to kiss his cheek.

"Well," the General lied, glancing around his re-decorated home with a great deal of trepidation.

"Yes, I know. The others have been treating you terribly. But you don't have to worry about that now," she said patting his cheek.

The General gave her nondescript grunt in response, still trying to figure out why his coffee table was covered with actual coffee table books and not with Road and Track magazines.

And since when did he have a coffee table anyway?

"You like?" she said, gesturing around the room. "I thought it could use a little brightening up."

"Uh...."

Laure nodded, "Yes, the chintz is a bit much, I know. Dande helped me out until we could get a real decorator in here. But it's quite cheery in the meantime."

"In the meantime?" the General said, brow furrowed with befuddlement. "Meantime until what?"

"Until the architect finishes our house plans, silly," Laure said, taking his arm and leading him to the sofa.

"H-house plans??"

"And the landscape designer I spoke with this afternoon has some wonderful ideas for the garden to both compliment Dande's garden but also reflect our own unique style."

"Uh…" The General was never aware that he had a botanical style.

"Now you just sit down and relax. Dinner is in the oven. Where are you going?" she asked, standing as the General made a beeline for the door.

"I just remembered. This thing."

"Thing?" Laure asked.

"Yes," the General nodded. "Thing. Must go," he stuttered as he backed toward the door.

Laure put her hands on her hips. "But dinner is--"

"Sorry. Very important thing," the General said, opening the door and dashing outside.

~~*~~

The Nurse sat on the bleachers watching her first husband chop wood for the new wood shed that she watched he and Max construct the day before.

The problem being that the Nurse was a doer, not a watcher.

"You will have to work faster, slave. The winter approaches, and we will need far more wood than that," Commodus said as he passed by the pitch on his way back from the golf course.

"Hey!" the Nurse yelled. "Mind your own fucking business!"

Commodus scowled and stopped before the Nurse. "Because my sweet Laure holds you dear, I will forgive your transgression of speech and allow you to live."

The Nurse responded with a "ppphhhhtt".

"But it would not be wise to test my generous nature," Commodus chided.

"Take it up with your *sweet* Laure," Darry said. "That is, once she's done building the house for her new husband, General Kenobi."

Commodus twitched. "Friend or no friend, I will not allow you to slander my innocent Laure in this manner."

Darry leaned forward and said quite loudly. "Your innocent Laure married somebody else, you twit."

And a split second later, Commo was racing for the admin building.

The Nurse laughed and then girlie groaned as Cic swung the axe and split another log.

TBC