Title: HSU: Wenches in Pink
Authors: Dande and Dor, with help from Emmy
Rating: PS for pink spandex
Archive: Yes, will send the text file.
Disclaimer and Notes: Not ours, not making money.

~*~

The day started out like any other for the cottage dwellers. Da Mastah rose at O'fracking early to meditate. He used to do his Shirtless Kata's in the yard first, but switched it so Dande could be awake enough to peek at him through the curtains.

::She thinks I don't know she's peeking:: he thought with a wry smile as he made his way to the side lawn off the kitchen. His Wench would be making coffee, and thus, could look out the window to her heart's content.

Dande shuffled around the kitchen, trying not to say much to anyone until the coffee was ready and she'd had a huge hit of it. Cara sat in her highchair eating Cheerios and giggling madly at her mother's bed hair.

It was then Dande saw the pink caddy pull up to the house.

"Oh God." She muttered. Not.......Them!" Dande reached wildly for a hair brush and cast a look around to make sure the cottage was presentable. "This is bad. Really really bad." She said to Cara, who stopped giggling when she picked up on her mother's "Oh Crap" vibes through the Hive Connection.

Two women in pink leggings and long fuzzy sweaters with pearls sewn on them got out of the Caddy, shaking out their big hair and primping a minute before heading up to the door. Inside, Dande ran around like a nut straightening the couch pillows and wiping down the counters. ::Frack I wish I'd had some coffee:: She thought in desperation as there was a very soft, feminine knock at the door.

Out in the garden, Qui-Gon stopped in mid Kata. ::Why isn't she looking?:: He wondered. Deciding this was just not acceptable, he gave up on his kata and entered the house to see what was going on. He was greeted by a nervous looking Dande and two very powerful Wenches sitting at the table, sipping tea and having croissants.

"Hello Mastah!" Dande said brightly. Very brightly. Too brightly. Qui-Gon noticed that the Mr. Coffee had not even been started, and instantly got suspicious. Dande was never coherent until after her first cup.

"Hello, Mastah Jinn." The visitors intoned happily, making beautiful doe eyes and smiling sweetly. "We're old Wench Academy friends of Dande's."

"Hello there, nice to meet you." He answered politely, then he excused himself to shower and change. He felt a great disturbance in the Chintz.

As soon as he was out of earshot, Dande looked at the WIP's, "Look, if this is about Kendra talking about his wanger, *no one* believed her." She began nervously.

"Dande, stop it. This is serious."

"What could be more serious than my Mastah's wanger?"

"We think there is a group of Princess operatives working the area."

"Noooo...It can't be. Here?"

Two heads of big hair nodded. "Dande, we want you to come back to...The Company."

Dande's eyes grew wide and she shook her big hair furiously. "No. I resigned the WIP's, I'm Qui-Gon's Wench. Our life is here now, with our daughter."

Cara promptly threw mushed up teething cookie into the one of the coifs.

Dande tried to laugh it off nervously. "Well, she must be a saucy Wench, I guess the apple didn't fall too far from the tree....heh..."

"Is that a chicken feather on the floor Dande?"

"Ummm..."

The two visitors rose to exit. "Keep an eye out, we don't know what the Princesses are up to, but we don't need to tell you how dangerous they can be. Please reconsider our request and contact us if you see anything. And remember, we were never here."

Once the Caddy pulled out of the drive, Dande ran for the coffee pot, brewing it strong.

As she was finishing her first cup, Da Mastah strode slowly into the kitchen, toweling off his hair. "Well, what did they want?" He asked quietly. "Have they come to try to recondition Dor?"

"They wanted me to go back into action."

Qui-Gon inhaled sharply. "Wishpuff, I thought we decided that..."

"They say there are Princess operatives in the area."

"Princesses...They have Princesses on Malestare...very shrill....Very dangerous." Qui-Gon muttered. "What did you tell them?"

"I refused, Mastah. I gave that life up long ago. But if they're here, it could get dangerous."

The Tall One reached for his visibly shaken Wench, and held her tightly.

~*~

The evil Duke of Fookthemall sat behind his huge ebony desk, tapping his well-manicured nails against the shiny surface. On his pinkie was a diamond ring, he smiled at the sparkling stone and cackled evilly. "Soon, my pretty," he said to the woman standing in front of his desk, "we will have all the diamonds we could ever want. You will be decked out in diamonds every day."

The princess smiled, not a pretty smile, but a greedy smile. "Yes, my Duke," she said in an almost cackle.

"You are ready for your mission?"

"Yes, I will dispose of the Wench, while you and Arialla capture the Dean."

The Duke laughed cruelly. "We'll demand the entire campus and the diamond mine as ransom. And just for fun we will turn the Alpha Ho into a princess. Think of the shock to the General when he comes to rescue her. I think I'll keep her for myself."

"My Duke, what of the Alpha? What of Qui-Gon Jinn." She asked with a feral smile.

"He pleases you then? The Duke whispered evilly. "You want him?"

"Yessss, My Duke." The Princess replied, her eyes lighting with an inhuman glow as she imagined having the Master for her personal wind up toy.

"Then you shall have him. You are a Princess, my beauty. You must have whatever you want. It's your Heritage. Both the Alpha and the General shall belong to my princesses They will jump to your commands."

"Mmmmm Hmmmm, it's all about meeeeeeeeeee." She purred happily as she contemplated her future. "What will be done with the...*Wench?*" She spat the last word out of her mouth with terrible venom.

"Destroy her." The Duke said as he bust into maniacal laughter.

~*~

Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon slid into a booth at the local "ESPN SportsZone"

"I don't understand how the communications array was destroyed by lightening when there hasn't even been a storm." Obi-Wan mused as grabbed a handful of peanuts.

Qui-Gon shrugged. "I've learned not to question how things happen at your University, Obi-Wan. But, I'm not going to miss the first game of the World Series."

Obi-Wan grinned and nodded at the waitress as she brought over a pitcher of beer and two mugs. "I can only stay for part of the game. I have an appointment with Tara at around two p.m. She's been monitoring the weather and apparently we're supposed to have a light, unseasonably warm shower this afternoon. She normally sends me regular updated weather reports on my pager, but it doesn't seem to be working, so I better get back early in case the weather changes."

Qui-Gon arched a brow but said nothing.

"Don't worry Mastah, everything will be fine while we're gone."

Qui -Gon smirked as he put his hands to his ears and started chanting, "LA LA LA LA" in a playful miming motion.

~*~ Lorne rapped on the door of the Chanteuse "dressing room" at Hooters, Testosterone County. Much to Laure's chagrin, said dressing room was also the women's rest room at that fine establishment.

"They're ready for you, Laure," Lorne said with a devilish grin.

"I'll be right there," Laure answered as she adjusted her muffins to fit in the snug white cutoff T-shirt. "Orange may be a nice fall color, but it doesn't suit me at all," she said to her reflection. "I do look better than the Diva when did she was in prison though." The ex mediator thought with a smile.

Her music cued and Laure sauntered out sexily, well as sexily as one can come out of a bathroom.

The restaurant was immediately filled with the sound of chicken wings being beaten on tables and the call of, "TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF!"

"This is all the Nurse's fault," Laure muttered under her breath.

~*~

Dor walked through the ruins of the Library, thinking that Dande might have a good point about those self-righting buildings. Draco happily followed her, causing the remaining walls to shake unsteadily with his every step. "There's a snack," Dor said spotting a black leather boot and pointing it out to the always hungry dragon. The boot quickly moved as Xanatos jumped up off the leather reading chair.

"Dor! My foot is in this boot!"

"Your point?" Dor asked innocently.

"You are a very wicked witch," Xanatos said grabbing the Librarian's hair and pulling her close enough for a smack on the bottom. She responded by forcefully kissing the Greysider.

Draco, realizing he was being ignored, thumped his tail and snorted, sending a scorching heat blast at the now necking couple.

"Eat the chair!" Xanatos said distractedly as he pushed the witch into the wall.

Draco sniffed the chair with his snout. It was leather. Expensive leather. 'Breakfast,' thought the dragon.

The wall creaked, groaned and then collapsed into the Clinic. Xanatos and Dor might not have noticed if they hadn't been hit by a barrage of bactine, Band-Aids, a stethoscope, blood-pressure monitor and several phones.

"If I'm not getting any in the Clinic, then no one else is either!" Exclaimed the boinkage-deprived Nurse.

"What?" Dor asked, looking around, slightly befuddled look on her face. "How did we get here?"

The Nurse snorted. "Why don't you two do something useful and guard my Beemer? I know someone is going to try to put candy in it for Halloween. Or pumpkin pies. Or candy-covered apples."

"Stop!" Dor cried, pushing Xanatos off of her and standing. "You're making me hungry!"

Xanatos stood, wrapping his arms around the Librarian. "I've got something you can e--"

A loud noise like the cross between a rocket taking off and goose dying interrupted Xanatos' remark. "What the fuck was that?" Xanatos asked, his hand automatically going to his lightsaber.

"That was my baby with the big, brown eyes sneezing. I better take him another box of tissues and make him some soup," The Nurse said tenderly. Then she turned to Dor and Xanatos and barked, "Clean up this mess and don't make any noise! My husband needs his rest!"

With a whirl of scrubs she was gone.

Dor grabbed Xanatos and bit him. "I'm still hungry," she said.

Xanatos leered and was in mid-bite when the Librarian suddenly shuddered and pushed him away, turning and walking through the wall -- er, where the wall used to be and back into the Library.

"So, you want to play?" Xanatos smirked, stepping back into the Library and absently patting the now sleeping dragon's head. He grabbed the Librarian's arm and pulled her towards him.

"No!" Dor said, smacking his chest. "I felt something."

"I certainly hope so," Xanatos said, pulling her closer.

"No! Something incomprehensible, mysterious, evasive..."

"Elusive?" Xanatos offered.

"Yes, that's it. And a slight buzzing."

"Maybe Jen left one of her toys on."

"No, more like a hive buzzing."

Xanatos frowned. "Hive?"

"I better go see the Wench," Dor said, pulling away from Xanatos.

"Right now?"

"I'm sorry, love. I'll be back in a bit. I'll bring some brownies and milk," she said kissing Xanatos gently on the cheek.

Xanatos arched a brow. "Are you feeling okay, Dor?"

Dor blinked and shuddered. "Damn! Fuck! What the hell was that? Shut up and leave me alone, bastard! You'll get some later," she ranted as she stomped out of the Library.

Xanatos sighed in relief and picked up his Game Boy. "Now, that's the wicked witch I know and love." He turned to sit back in the leather chair, but there was only a bit of the wood frame left.

~*~

Emmy was sitting at her desk, examining the new Fall Collection in Vogue magazine, absently playing Wild West Shoot Out on her computer. It sucked that the communications were down or she could go online and play against those geek fanboys and kick their asses. She frowned when there was a knock on the door. "What? I'm busy!"

Tara opened the door and walked in to her Master's office. Emmy had quickly changed her computer screen to her General in black leather on his Harley screensaver and was shuffling papers and making furious notes.

"Mas --" Tara Began.

Emmy looked up and shot her "The Look of Death." (TM)

"Er, Dean, there's a prospective student and her father outside. They want a tour of the Campus, but Lord Pelham isn't in his office."

"Do they have an appointment?"

"No, but apparently Pelham told them they could drop by any time."

Emmy frowned, Pelham was usually more careful than that. "Well, you take them. I have to finish these, um, reports, for, er, the Board."

"Sha-Right. I don't do tours."

Emmy smiled at her new padawan. "You do now."

Tara looked out the window at the quickly moving storm clouds. "Sorry, I have a General appointment. *No way* am I missing that. They're all yours!"

Emmy shook her head. "It's so hard to find good help," she said as Tara darted out the door.

"Bite me!" Tara muttered just loud enough for the Diva to hear as she headed out.

"At least she's getting in touch with her Ho side though." Emmy observed as she stood up and smoothed her skirt.

Duke Fookthemall and a young girl dressed casually in jeans and a sweater walked into Emmy's office. The Duke quietly locked the door behind them.

"I'll be right with you," the Dean called, pulling on her black tailored jacket. "Do you mind if I bring my dog with us? He needs a walk. We can just swing by my quarters and pick him up."

The Duke smiled at the Dean. "Actually, I do mind. My daughter is allergic to dogs."

"Oh, okay," Emmy said, an uneasy feeling overcoming her. "Let me just call a friend to take him out --"

"Wow! Is this the President of the University?" The young girl enthused, looking at Emmy's screensaver.

Emmy looked over at the girl. "Yes, that's President Kenobi. He's the glue that holds the University together. We all have a very special relationship with him."

The girl smiled, no longer looking like a sweet, fresh-faced kid, but like a rabid animal. "If he were mine, I'd never let him out. I'd never share him. I would make him bow to my every whim."

Emmy's Princess Alert Alarms blared, but it was too late. The Duke stuck a tranquilizer filled syringe into the Dean's arm before she could get one karate chop done. The Dean gracefully slumped onto her new Persian rug. In the last moments before she lost consciousness, she trailed her fingers over the fine cabochon stitching and muttered "Ohhh, pretty." as the drugs began to fuzz her brain.

~*~

"And she runs away like a chicken, oh, excuse me, goes 'on tour'," Kymira snorted. "At Hooters! And expects me to baby-sit Commo. I am not touching his ass. There is nothing in the padawan/master contract that says I have to! I might put an arrow in it, but I'm most certainly not checking his wound or scrubbing that tattoo off!"

Pelham nodded sympathetically at the irate Ho, wondering how he could diplomatically get away from her unladylike ranting when he felt a sharp, searing pain in his left ring finger. "A princess!" He exclaimed.

Ky snorted. "Yes, but don't tell her I agreed with you."

Pelham shook his head at Ky. "No, not Lady Laure," Pelham stopped walking for a moment as he saw what appeared to be a proper wench walking across campus, a shot of pain ripping through his ring finger again. "I was once married to a princess, Lady Kymira. I can always feel their presence. Excuse me, I must warn the Dean."

Ky shook her head at the departing Lord. "Whatever. I hope Commo doesn't mind watching Caddyshack for the thousandth time."

~*~

As Pelham knocked on the Dean's office door, a man and a young woman were spotted by the Ewoks dragging a Persian rug through the roses to a waiting Limo on the edge of the woods. The Ewoks tittered, recognizing the Diva's hair sticking out from the end of the rug.

"Zub zub, wubba wubba!" ::The Loud Woman is Dead!!::

"Yub Yub, wibble......Oy!" ::The great golden goddess has heard our prayers!::

Their celebration was cut short by the Queen of Paperwork. "Get out of my roses!" Shana shouted, tossing a smoke bomb at them. "I'm going to get the shotgun!"

"Yabba Yabba...Fookra Ka!" ::She with the scissors is next!::

"Rugath yubba zub!" ::All hail the golden goddess::

~*~

Pelham entered the General's Secretary's office. "Miss Kendra, have you seen the Dean?"

Kendra looked up from her desktop fountain. "What?"

"Have you seen the Dean today?"

"She had a breakfast appointment with the General, but I haven't seen her since then."

"Ah, I checked her office and her apartment, but she's not there. And none of the cell phones seem to be operating correctly."

Kendra shrugged. "Maybe she's in the pub."

"I do not believe so," said Pelham. "I was just in her office and I found one of her diamond combs by the window and her new rug is missing. Also the window was open and the frame bent." Pelham held up the hair comb with strands of Emmy's curly hair still in it.

Kendra smiled. "I get it! You're getting in character for your Halloween costume. It's elementary, dear Watson."

Pelham arched a brow.

"That doesn't work on me, only Dor," Kendra said. Seeing the expression on the Purple One's face, Kendra gasped. "You mean you *really* found that hair comb anywhere but on the Diva's person?"

Pelham nodded.

This was serious. Nothing came between Emmy and her Diamonds. "I have a baaaaaad feeling about this..." Kendra muttered, her empathic whatevers in overdrive. "Here give the comb to me. If anyone knows what's going on it will be the Wench. I'll go to the cottage."

"Don't forget to knock first, Lady Kendra." Pelham said with a dry smile on his face.

"Shut up!"

~*~

Kendra hurried over to the Wench's cottage. When she reached the front door she froze. "Please, oh, please, don't let them be bouncing," Kendra muttered as she skittishly knocked on the door.

The Wench answered with her usual cheerful demeanor. "Kendra! Lovely to see you, dear. Come in and visit a while."

Kendra entered the cottage carefully, peeking in nervously and looking all around.

"Qui-Gon isn't here," said the Wench with a small smile at the Water Ho.

"Good!" Said Kendra. "Sorry Dande, I mean, it's not that I don't want to see him. I mean, I don't want to *see* him, see him. Umm, I've already seen him, I...I...,uh, oh Geez, never mind. Look, there could be some real trouble here, I want you to get your opinion on this." Kendra pulled out Emmy's diamond hair comb and handed it to the Wench. "Pelham found this in the Diva's office, he thinks there might be foul play involved."

The Wench turned the sparkling accessory over in her hands, her eyes wide. "Oh my...I'm afraid this is serious. Emmy would never be separated from her diamonds...Especially ones given to her by Obi Wan. I fear something terrible has happened."

The Empathic Wench and the Empathic-Whatevers Ho were startled out of their "Significant Pause" by the ring of the telephone.

"Hello...Wait, slow down. Are you sure? Oh my. Thanks Pel. Oh, and I have the latest Chintz Quarterly, I'll drop it by later when I bring Xani some more brownies. Toodle loo"

As she hung up the phone, she looked at Kendra. "Yes, the game is afoot! That was Pelham. He spotted a Princess on campus."

"Nooooooo." Kendra whispered, grabbing for her emergency bag of gummy fish.

"Have you ever encountered a Princess before Ken?"

"Well, no I ah....Maybe we should close the front gate."

"That won't be enough." Dande muttered.

~*~

Emmy slowly wakened, her mind feeling like very thick dark chocolate fudge. ::Mmmm, and I'd like some of that on the General:: She thought sleepily. She was trying to figure out how many 'rita's she had had the pub at lunch when a shrill voice caused her to shudder and sent her Ho-Chlorians raging.

"I think she's waking up, Duke!"

The Diva opened her eyes. She was bound to a Princess Anne chair with cheap stockings and was no longer wearing her Ralph Lauren long black skirt and tailored jacket, but was instead dressed in a long white silk ball gown and dainty white shoes with pointy white heels and even pointier toes. "It's after Labor Day," the Diva protested, "and there are pearls sewn on the bodice." She said with a sneer.

An evil cackle filled the stale air of the deep underground cave where the Dean was being held. Duke Fookthemall walked toward his captive. "You will wear what I want you to wear, my pretty," the Duke oozed in a condescending manner. "This gown suits your beautiful features much better than that common suit you were wearing."

"That was not a common suit! It cost over $500!" The Dean protested, trying to wrestle out of her bindings. "I don't know what you're up to, but you're not going to get away with it," The Dean shouted, shocked at her own captive cliches. "You're going to pay. Ugh! Let me go or else. Ugh! Release me or die!" Emmy moaned as the cliches kept flowing from her mouth. "I'm going to kick your ass!"

"What is she dooooooing?" The young princess asked. "Why isn't she whiiiiiining?"

The Duke waved his hand. "Ho's don't whine, my pretty. But don't worry, we'll correct that soon enough."

"When is the General going to come?" Arialla asked, attempting to do a pout, but instead looking like a fish caught in a hook.

The Duke patted her head, "Soon, he'll gallantly attempt to rescue her and then he'll be all yours, my pretty."

"I want him noooooooow. I'm tired of waiting. I've been waiting foreveeeeeeeer."

Emmy swallowed the extreme pain of being tortured by a princess whine and began carefully twisting her wrist so that her diamond encrusted watch cut into her stocking bindings. There was no way this princess was ever going to touch her General.

~*~

Dande heard a soft rap on the cottage door, excusing herself from the table, she left Kendra pondering the Diva's disappearance and the mysteries of Chintz.

When Dande opened the door, she was greeted by one of her own kind. A young Wench with magnificent hair stood in front of her clutching a covered picnic basket. The girl was wearing a lovely angora sweater dress and her eyeshadow was perfect. She smiled a billion dollar flash of white and made soft eyes at the Powerful Wench.

"Why, hello. Can I help you?" Dande sing-songed in her native Wench language.

"Oh, I hope so Mistress Dandelow." She answered with perfect Wench intonation. "I'm hear from the Wuthering Heights Wench Academy. Mistress Maeve of the Moors sent me here to learn of the Living Chintz."

"She did?" Dande asked delicately. This was strange, Maeve had not mentioned annathang to her, but then again, with Wenches, unexpected company was always expected. Perhaps Meabh was busy and didn't think annathang of sending the girl over. "Well, come on in then, Kendra and I were just chatting. What's your name?"

"Tempesta." The young one replied, "But you can call me Tess."

"Tempesta? So you're a saucy Wench, then? So am I."

"Yes, I am. And that is why Mistress Maevey sent me to you. She felt it would be good for us to meet."

"Well, yes dear, ordinarily, I'd be *so* happy to see you, but we have a bit of a problem here, I'm afraid."

"Oh, is something wrong?" The girl asked, her eyes showing a perfect Wench "Maybe I can help" expression.

Dande debated, the girl was a Wench, and so would need to be very good at crisis management when she faced the trials, but then again, she was young. Dande decided to play it a bit close to the bodice for now. "Yes, one of our friends is unaccounted for, and we are trying to remember where she said she'd be today."

"Dande? Who's at the door?" Kendra asked as she came out from the kitchen. "Hey, you're the girl I saw earlier, sneaking around the General's office!" The Water Ho exclaimed.

"She was doing what?? Dande asked, suddenly suspicious.

"I was lost, this place is very confusing." The young woman said with huge eyes.

"Oh, you poor dear." Dandie said soothingly. "That must have been terrible for you."

"Yes, yes it was. I was frightened." The young woman responded, visibly upset.

Suddenly, Dande shouted, "Kendra! Get down!" and proceeded to lunge at the stranger in her living room.

"Dande, what the Fuc...."

Like greased lightning, Tess dropped her chintz lined picnic basket onto the table and dove at Dande, cat fighting her way to the door and into the front yard.

"Willya look at that..." Kendra muttered in awe. "Who knew Wenches could slug it out." She picked up the package and shook it.

Outside, hair and chintz was flying.

Inside, Kendra started to open the parcel.

Ken! Nooo! Dande yelled as she kicked Tess in the arse and sent her into the Koi Pond. The intruder jumped up from the water, screeching.

"Look at meeeeeeeeeeee! Look what you did to meeeeeeeeeee! My dress is ruined! How dare you do that to meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" She hissed and spit as she prepared to rush Dande again.

Dor was pulling into the cottage drive in time to see this latest "Koi Pond Incident" up close and personal. "What the fuck is that?" She muttered aloud as her beloved Volvo started honking and revving it's engine.

"A princess, for real? No shit. Volvo Honey....Sic 'Em" Dor intoned evilly as she jumped out of the driver's seat and let the car do what came naturally. The Obsessed one burnt rubber as it pursued the twitching harpy while she ran down the drive.

"Chase that Princess scum off campus Darling! Kill the Bitch if you can!!" Dor yelled encouragingly as she rushed to help Dande to her feet. "Qui-Gon's going to be cranky he missed you brawling. You know how he loves cat fights."

"Dor, thank God you're here. We've got trouble." Dande sputtered as she made her way back into the cottage, yanking the package from Kendra's hands.

"Whassit? How did you know she was a Princess?" Kendra asked, hurrying to keep up with Dande and Dor as they headed through Dande's bedroom and stopped at the door to the Incredible Chintz Dressing Room.

"She feigned confusion, being lost, and fear in the absence of an Alpha Male." Dande muttered with disgust. Broke the cardinal rule of cluelessness. Never waste good helplessness when there is no Alpha in the vicinity."

"I thought they trained them better than that." Dor observed as she looked for her back up hip flask.

"We better....You know." Dande said as she cocked her head towards the Chintz room.

"Do I have to, Wench?" Dor asked pleadingly as Dande nodded, handing her a pair of sunglasses from the sideboard. "This will cut down on the chintz glare."

"Oh fuck." The witch muttered as she put them on.

"WHAT??" Kendra asked angrily as they yanked her into the room with them.

The trio made their way through the den of frippery and into the Wench's humongus walk in closet. When they reached the rear wall, Dande pulled a tapestry bell pull covered in very wenchy fringe. Kendra stood in awe as a section slid back, and a large computer panel appeared.

"Put it on the scanner, Dande." Dor whispered and urged the Comely Wench forward.

"Don't rush me!!" She hissed as she reached a shaking hand out to dust off the control panel.

"WILL SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON AROUND HERE!" Kendra yelled, stamping her foot impatiently.

"She's going to be a problem." Dor observed as she reached for her booze and nodded in Kendra's direction.

"I know, but she's a witness, we need her here." Dande answered, tiredly.

"Stop talking about me like I'm not here!" Kendra shouted.

The controls hummed to life as Dande placed the chintz covered basket on the scanner. A soft, pleasant, chiming sounded, and the indicator lights turned a soothing shade of Wench green.

"Ok, so it's not explosive or dangerous." Dande muttered. I guess we better have a look. Dor, gimmie that flask a minute, ok?"

"Sure thang." The librarian replied as Kendra looked on in astonishment while Dande took a huge hit of the Makers.

"Oh hey!" Dor said snatching the flask back. "Go easy, we may be bonding here, but don't push it."

"Sorry." Dande muttered as she moved to open the bag.

"Look! Enough!" Kendra stated as she grabbed the basket and opened the flap.

"Wait!!" Dande and Dor cried out in unison as the Water Grrl ignored them.

"It's nothing! Why, it's just a couple of shoes. One clunky black one and one...glass slipper?" She muttered in disgust as she looked at the two hivers. "You two are off the freaking deep end!"

Dor and Dande stared in horror. The look on their faces alone was enough to give Kendra pause. "WHAT?"

Dande picked up the glass slipper and turned it over in her hands. Dor grabbed the clunky black shoe and a diamond comb fell out of it.

"They have Emmy." Dor stated. "Who is behind this?"

"It's bad Dor. Look at the carvings on the bow of this glass shoe. It looks like the Screech faction of the Twitch Special Forces.

"Nooooooooo." Dor said, visibly shaken.

Suddenly, the old viewscreen on the com unit sprang to life. Dor screamed and tried to hid behind one of Dande's ball gowns on the closet rack.

"Cool." Kendra exclaimed loudly as Dande feel to her knees and muttered the words:

"What is they bidding, Oh Big, Giant, Hair."

"I've got a baaad feeling about this." Dor whispered as she chugged her Makers.

Kendra saw the image of a famous woman appear on the screen, her hair indeed big and giant. Dande made a quick "Shh" sound and motioned for Kendra to bend her knee as well. The Ho started to cop a 'tude, and then saw the look of sheer panic on Dor's face as the librarian muttered "Reconditioned, yep, no way out..Oh God."

Kendra took a knee. For now, anyway. They'd definitely be talking about this later. Yes siree.

"Dandalo, you refused to help za koompanee vhen vee asssk cho to rejoin ooos. Vhat brings you to use da aquipment today?"

"Mistress, the situation is grave indeed. An operative was just here, and they've taken the Dean of the School hostage."

"Zey shaw desselfs in da broad of daylight? Dis iz vorse dan vee knew. Who is vit choo Dandalo?"

Dor made exaggerated motions that translated to "I'm not here."

"This is Kendra, Your Giant Hairness."

"Kendra, let me luke at choo"

"What?" Ken stammered.

"Get up!" Dande whispered harshly. "Show yourself to the Big, Giant Hair."

Kendra stood. Dor fidgeted behind the miles of taffeta ballgown.

"You are no Vench. Vat are you dooink here?"

"Dande is my friend, I was visiting."

"Und you saw the enemy?"

"Yes, she had huge hair." Kendra stammered.

Turning to Dande, the woman on the view screen said; "Can shee be troostet?"

"Huh?" Kendra asked, scrunching up her face.

"Yes, I trust her." Dande replied as Dor began rocking back and forth, pulling her hair.

"You can trust me! Look, I never told anyone about Qui-Gon's wanger! Well, yeah, I did. But no one believes me. Hey, do you have information on rat boy in those files of yours? And, between us, you don't need to say a thing about Nessie, I already know all about that."

The Big Giant Hair looked at Dande in a very menacing way.

"Und Dorotaaayyyaaahh, coome oot fromp behind dat ball gown. Champagne is noote yur color, Dahhhlink."

Dor looked around nervously as she stepped out from behind the rack.

"Your hair iz at least four inches below regoolation, and you are vearing black. Iz no cocktail party Dorovitch. Vhy you do dees?"

"Your Hairness, umm, the situation?" Dande prompted gently.

"You tree vil have to go into ooperation. Your friend is in grave danger. Ve tink iz de Evil Duke who iz vorking vif da Princesses." Looking at Kendra again she continued, "Yoo vil fight as a Vench, Kendravitch. Yoo knowing too mooch already. If de Princesses tink da Ho's are involving, day will kile your friend Emilia."

"Emmy." Dor said as she took another slug of Makers.

"Vahtever. Dante!"

"Yes, Mistress?"

"*Process* her! I vant dat hair to being golden like Marilyn, our glorious sister Vench who has going to dee great salon in da sky."

"Wait a freaking minute!" Kendra started to protest.

"Iz either choo doing as I say, or choo getting reconditioned vith Dorova, eef I saying so, yah? Dandalo, you haf dee ful kooperation uf de counsel, use vhatever means necessary to bring zem in."

"Can she do that?" Kendra asked.

Dor nodded furiously. "She's the Hair, after all."

"I'll handle it, Mistress." Dande answered with a bow of her head, and the screen went blank.

Dor sat down on the floor and took a deep breath.

Kendra let her full Ho fury go. "Look ladies, I was quiet...Sorta, because this was some strange Wench voo doo thing going on. But if you think I'm going to let you "process me" and dress me up like a Wench to go fight some princesses, I'm telling you..."

"Kendra, this is serious, ok? The Big, Giant Hair is head of Wench Special Operations. She runs the WIP program. I used to be an agent, but I gave it up long ago to be Qui-Gon's Wench. There are Princess operatives loose on campus, Emmy has vanished, and one word from Her Hairness could reassign me to some other place, far away from here. Do you understand me? Far away from Qui-Gon, the Campus and all the rest of you. She could call me back to WIP duty."

"Ivana Trump can do all that?" Kendra asked, amazed.

"Shhh, don't' say her name!" Dor scolded.

"All right ladies. Let's go suit up." Dande sighed deeply.

Both the Hybrid and the Ho looked at Dande like she'd lost her mind.

"Dande, are the outfits still pink?" Dor asked dubiously.

"LA LA LA LA" Kendra chanted as Dande nodded her head.

"Hey, it's better than having to wear a table cloth and pretend to be Commo's sister!" Dor told Kendra. "Well, maybe not, but still. If Xanatos sees me in pink, I'll never hear the end of it!"

"Come on girls, it's time to Process." Dande muttered.

"Nooo!" Dor said, putting a hand to her hair.

"Look, I said Process, *not* Recondition! OK? It could be worse."

"Do I really have to 'being golden?'" Kendra asked sadly.

Dande sighed. "Yes, but first, I need to make a call."

~*~

Emmy had now freed herself from the cheap stockings, she glanced around the cave, spotting the princess a few feet away, painting her toenails with cheap puke pink fingernail polish. The princess was still whining, "It's taaaaaaaking sooooo looooooong!"

The Duke smiled condescendingly at the princess, looking up from the book he was reading, 'How to Turn a Strong Ho into a Simpering, Whiny Princess in 7 Days!'. "I've had word from one of our operatives on the Campus that the rescue party will be on its way soon."

"But what about meeeeeeeeeeee?" The princess whined. "I can't waiiiiiiiiiiiit any looooooo---"

The princess was stopped mid-whine by a delicate white shoe entering her mouth from an Alpha Ho that wasn't going to listen to anymore. The Duke jumped up, but the Dean did flying sidekick (luckily, her dress was split to mid-thigh) that knocked him to the ground. "FUCK. YOU."

The princess, having spit the shoe out, lunged at the Diva. "I. Do. Not. Think. So." The Diva said calmly, her right fist striking the princess square in the mouth.

A few minutes later the princess was tied securely to the Princess Anne chair with the Duke's obnoxious Playboy Bunny tie, puke pink fingernail polish dripping from her hair. The Duke himself was hog-tied (Emmy had ripped the hem of her gown off without a problem to use as rope), face down on the dirt floor.

The Dean looked around the cave. The only way out appeared to be a small hole about a hundred feet up a steep, rocky cave wall. The Diva took a deep breath and sneered at the Duke. "Ho's don't whine, Ho's don't simper -- we ACT, you stoopid ass!"

With the final insult flung, the Dean began climbing the cave wall.

~*~

Dande, Kendra and Dor sat in the Wenched out dressing room at the cottage. Dor was draining her hip flask. "I can't be reconditioned. I will never go Wench again. No offense, Wench," she slurred at Dande.

"None taken," the Wench said happily, starting to get her WIP groove back.

"What do you mean by 'processed'?" Kendra asked nervously.

"I can't wear pink!" Dor exclaimed. "I, I, I, have issues with pink."

"You have issues with everything," the General's secretary noted.

"At least Da Mastah's wanger doesn't freak me out."

"LA LA LA LA!"

Da Wench looked at her two partners in crime -- er, rescue and sighed, this was hardly the harmonious vibe the WIP's usually have.

"I need a refill!" Exclaimed the Librarian, holding her flask over her mouth trying to get one last drop out. "I can't wear pink sober. I can't wear pink! Can't I wear black?"

The Wench gently shook her head no. "Dor you know the rules. Remember, this is for Emmy!"

"She slammed the door in my face at lodge! Fuck that! I'm not wearing pink to save her ass. She'll laugh at me when she sees the uniforms."

"About these uniforms --" Kendra started.

"You don't want to know." Dor said, shuddering, a distant memory surged forward in her mind, but she quickly buried it with a thought of Xanatos nekkid.

~*~

Xanatos sauntered slowly into the Koomunications center, showing off all his... attributes...to their greatest advantage. Making sure his boots echo'd off the floor just the right way and his leather creaked enticingly, he stalked in very close to the Media Sisters. "Ladies," he purred, striking a stance in front of Julia and Sere, glancing down to check that his half open pirate shirt caught the breeze from the fan in order to billow slightly. "I see you got the communications array operational again. What mischief are you up to?"

Julia looked up from the computer screen at the Greysider. "Less than you, I'm sure. Scram."

Sere picked up the staple gun and smiled sweetly at the Greysider. "If you want to hang with us, you know how you have to do it."

Xanatos ignored the unveiled threat and leaned over to read the webpage displayed on Julia's computer. "'The Miss Preteen CowTown Beauty Pageant'? I hate to break it to you, but you grrls are a bit past the preteen age group." He leered at the Grateful grrls.

Sere shot a staple at Xanatos, which he easily dodged. "Tease," he taunted.

"We're just doing a bit of research on the what the staff members did before HSU for a Christmas special," Julia said.

"One of the General's grrls was a beauty queen? Which one?" Xanatos laughed, reaching for the keyboard only to have his hand stapled.

"Ouch!"

"Don't make me get out the Zima staples."

"Come on," he cajoled. "I have enough information now to go back to my computer and find the answer in less than a minute. It's Laure, isn't it?"

Julia and Sere exchanged a thoughtful look, then grinned wickedly. "Okay," Julia said and a few keystrokes later the picture and name of the winner of the 1980 Miss Preteen CowTown Beauty Pageant popped onscreen.

"OH MY FUCKING GOD!"

~*~

**Look around...everywhere you turn is heartache. It's everywhere that you go. You try everything you can to escape. The pain of life that you know**

"Sheesh, first I have to "being golden" like Marylyn, and now I have to listen to another 'being golden' Wench on the radio! Oy." Kendra whimpered.

"Maevey! Thank goodness you're in!" Dande exclaimed as Maevey of the Moors, her dear friend since her Wenchiwan days answered the com at the Wuthering Heights Wench Academy. Maeve had since become Headmistress of that fine institution.

As Maeve looked on, she saw the Wench in the process giving Kendra a merciless comb out, Kendra was trying to slap Dande's hands away from the mass of hair piled on top of her head.

"Hold *still* Kendra!" She hissed.

"Bugger that!" the Ho answered, only to have Dor hold her hands down so Dande could continue Processing her.

"Et tu, Dorotea?" Kendra asked sulking.

"Dande, slow down now ya wee Darlin' and tell me what is going on with ye?"

"Maevey, we've got problems. The....The...W.I.P.'s were here." Dande whispered. "Crap, I broke another comb off in her hair." She muttered.

"OW!"

"Shhh." Dor slurred.

**Come on, vogue. Let your body move to the music. Hey, hey, hey**

"Oh my Freaking Crap!!" Maeve said, visibly upset. "What's going on?"

"A Princess operative was here today. Maevey, they kidnapped Emmy."

"Holy Cow, this is serious! And Kendra Doll, you're gonna look loverly. Dande is very good with tinting. What color are ye goin' fer there Dandie Girl?"

"The BGH said she needed to be golden blonde, like Marilyn." Dande replied, a bit puzzled. "But I'm not sure I've got the shading right."

Kendra whimpered and looking pleadingly at Dor.

"Hey, it's every grrl for herself here Ken. And I, for one, am not going to risk getting *Reconditioned* even if it means........backcombing."' The Librarian said with a visible shudder.

"Now Dandie, you must be rattled, you poor dear. Every first year knows it's three parts Platinum Passion to one part Golden Glow." Maeve offered helpfully.

"Ahhh...Thanks Meabh" Dande said, nodding as she mixed the proper combination.

Dande began applying the gloopy, goopy, smelly, triple process chemicals to Kendra's hair. Kendra shriveled up her face and her eyes began to water from the fumes.

"Is this going to burn off my scalp?" Kendra asked nervously.

"It shouldn't, if she mixed right." Dor replied.

Dande kept massaging the color into Kendra's hair and hummed along with the song on the radio.

**All you need, is your own imagination, so use it that's what it's for**

"Dande?" Meabh prompted.

"Hmm, yes Meabh?"

"Umm, what you called about?"

"Oh, right. Do you recall ever seeing a prospective Wench named Tempesta? She really had amazing hair, and she would have aced Eyeshadow Arts.

"Ohh, a pretty thing? Hair about....Ultress #46, honey wheat?"

"Yes! That's the one."

"Aye, she started here, was doing well too. Would have made a right good Wench. I'd use Kiss and Tell Shell lipstick on Kendra there."

"Mmmm, good call. What happened?"

"Well, lemmie see. She dropped out. Said her uncle needed her to help him with her parents estate. Said she wanted to transfer to the Betty Crocker school in Smallville."

"Betty Crocker?" Kendra asked, astonished.

Dor shrugged. "It happens."

"Aye, and I'd try out Dove Grey and Shy Dawn on her lids... black pencil liner. Did she go Princess on your arse Dande? Why do they always do that?" Meabh asked.

"No, I think some charcoal smudge khol for Kendra...Yes, she Princessed out, and the BGH wants us to go after the faction."

"Hey, I don't like big gloopy eyeliner!" Kendra piped up.

"Resistance is futile." Dor muttered sadly.

**Beauty's where you find it, not just where you...Bump and grind it.**

"Oh, yes, charcoal is a good choice then...Wait a darn minute there. You mean, they want you three? All of you? Dandie, now you've had training and experience, but are ye tellin' me that.....*Dor* is going to see action? And Kendra? Do they know what they are up against? Have you told the Big Man?" Meabh asked.

"No, he's not home yet."

"Aie ya laird." Meabh muttered.

"Tell me about it." Dande nodded.

"What are you going to do with Dor there." Meabh asked as she assessed the very black wardrobe of the Librarian. "Her hair is at least four inches below code."

"She has to suit up too. But I'm going to leave her hair black. For some reason, anytime I ask her about being blonde, she mutters about tractors."

"Tractors? What? When did I say annathang about tractors?" Dor asked, her voice breaking a tad hysterical.

"Doriee me dearie, dinna just say 'annathang?' that is Wench speak darlin. Are yee feeling ok?"

"No way out....No way out...." Dor started murmuring as Dande held up some different shades of plum eyeshadow against the Hybrid's face for comparison. Dande pulled out the Wo's eyebrow ring as Dor yelped. "Ow! You're not taking out the naval ring or the --"

"LA LA LA LA," The Wench sing-songed ignoring Dor's TMI.

Meabh tsked and shook her head. "I wish I could get there Wenchie, but the Wench Counsel needs me here to run things."

"I know Meabh, stay near the com, ok?" Dande asked as she got the foils ready for the fourth process on Kendra's hair.

"Oooky Dearie. Listen, I gotta goooo maaan. They are ready for me in the class lab on Nawtay Wenching, 300. But if you need annathang, you know I'm here and......Ohhh, Robert Roy Mac Greggor! You scoundrel! Put me dowwwwwn! I'm headed to Nawtay Wenching300! Not Pirate Booty 202!"

Meabh's giggling voice faded away as the tall Scot swept her off her feet in true Alpha fashion. His heavy brogue could be heard rumbling, "Ach, Maevey Moore, ye are me troo luv. D'ya know how fyne ye are ta me? Sooo Fyne."

Dande turned back to the two girls with her and sighed.

**Don't just stand there, lets get to it. Strike the pose, there's nothing to it.......Vogue**

~*~

Xanatos ran into the Library Tower, jumping over the still sleeping dragon. "Pelham, you're not going to believe this!" he exclaimed as he bounded up the stairs three at a time to their bedroom.

Pelham looked up from his book and brandy at the glistening Greysider. "If it's about the princesses being on campus and the Dean being kidnapped, I already know."

"What?" Xanatos asked.

"Never mind," said Pelham. "Tell me your news."

Xanatos flopped onto the bed next to where Pelham was lounging and pulled his laptop off the stone nightstand.

A few minutes later Pelham's brandy dropped out of his hand and landed on the floor with a crash and a splash. "Gods! That's Dorotea?"

Xanatos laughed maniacally. "I am going to tease her about this everyday for the rest of her life!"

Pelham stared openmouthed at the picture of the 1980 Miss Preteen CowTown Beauty Pageant winner. "That pink taffeta ruffled, bowed dress, the tiara, the pink lipstick...is she on a tractor?"

"Yes," Xanatos said gleefully. "A tractor with ribbons in a parade!"

"That hair!" Pelham said in disbelief, shaking his head.

"Well, we already knew she was a natural blonde," Xanatos smirked.

"Yes, but I never imagined her hair could defy gravity in such a fashion," Pelham marveled. "Speaking of natural hair colors...is the Nurse a natural redhea --"

Pelham's question was interrupted by a bolt of purple lightening that struck his scrunchie, catching it on fire.

~*~

Qui-Gon walked into his home only to find no dinner waiting, no Wench waiting, and the smell of hair chemicals permeating the air. He made his way towards the bedroom, where he heard rather loud female voices, bickering. Cloaking himself in the Force, he went unnoticed as he took in the scene.

"Geez, Dande, you're all done? Look, I can't get these pumps on...They hurt like hell. Do you have any go go boots?" Kendra asked miserably as she held up a three inch, slim heeled, dress shoe.

Dor had gotten into her shoes, but was stumbling around mumbling about resistance being futile.

Qui-Gon noticed with a start that both the Not! Wenches were sporting very big hair. Kendra's own pretty shade of natural blonde now in full bombshell platinum. ::Comely:: He thought to himself.

Dor's hair was still black, but softened a bit. Instead of the Morticia Addams shiny black, she was now a softer, more muted shade. Her hair was backcombed something fierce, and she had plum eye shadow on. ::Very nice::

::Must be getting ready for Halloween, I guess they are dressing as FemBots:: Da Mastah thought with a chuckle. Until he saw Dandie come out from the walk in closet. She was dressed in full WIP uniform. The pink spandex shimmered in the low light.

Qui-Gon couldn't believe it. His astonishment registered through their connection, and Dande looked towards the door.

"Mastah Dahling, let me explain..."

"Wishpuff, I thought we discussed this." He said flatly, his face becoming an unreadable mask.

"Woah, this is bad. I know that look." Dor said as she clomped around in her heels looking for a place to hide.

"Mastah, we need to talk." Dande replied quietly as she walked up to the Big Man.

"How does she do that?" Kendra asked Dor.

"Do what?" Dor asked. "Piss off Da Mastah? I dunno. I know how I pissed him off, it was the drinking and dancing and...."

"No! I mean walk in those shoes? It's like the Music Video walk where you see those women doing it, and say 'How the fuck do they move like that?'"

"Oh, that. They teach it at the Academy."

"So....*You* can do that, too?" Kendra asked, trying to picture it.

"Well, I *can.* I just *choose* not to."

"Bet you can't." Kendra muttered as she tried to wipe off some of the make up.

"It won't come off, we'll have this on forever!" Dor wailed.

"Quiet!" Qui-Gon rumbled as he tried to get his head around what was going on.

"Hey! Just a darn minute! You are not the boss me of me!" Kendra huffed as she moved to get up and confront Da Mastah. Unfortunately, as she took her first step on her heels, she feel face forward to the plush carpeting, knocking the wind out of herself and cursing silently.

"Mastah...They've taken Emmy! There was an Operative here! In our home! It's not safe anymore for any of us. What if I hadn't fought her off? What if Dor's car didn't run her off campus? She could have harmed Cara and....."

Interrupting the stream of loosely controlled Wench hysteria, Qui-Gon placed his hands on Dande's shoulders, looked her in the eye and asked, "Wishpuff, was anyone hurt?"

"No Mastah. Thank goodness."

"Good. Now all of you, stay here. I'll handle it." Qui-Gon declared in such a way that Dande felt a thud coming on.

"Oh yeah? What are you going to do 'bout it?" Kendra stammered from the floor as her breath returned.

"Pssst, Kendra, if *he* handles it, you won't have to being golden anymore! And I won't have to being pink anymore!" Dor whispered.

"Well, yes, but still, it's the principle of the thing." Kendra huffed.

"I'm going to find Obi Wan and Maximus. Xani too, I think. All of you remain here." Da Mastah ordered as he turned and strode out of the room purposefully.

Dande sighed wistfully at Da Bombad Mastah.

~*~

"Ok, just don't look down.......Omph!" The Diva talked to herself as she scaled the wall. "One hundred fracking feet? What the fuck was up with that noise?"

She inched her way further up, determined to reach the top. "And how come *I* have to do this? When a *Wench* gets kidnapped, BLAM! The freaking cavalry charges in to rescue her doe eyed ass!"

Emmy froze momentarily as her foot dislodged some gravel and sent it spiraling down the rock face. She didn't like how long it was taking to hear it hit bottom. She stayed perfectly still for a moment, trying to decide what to do.

Taking a deep breath, she yelled, "HELP ME OBI WAN KENOBI, YOU'RE MY ONLY HOPE!!"

Silence followed.

"Yeah! Figures! What the frack anyway? Have I evah been the recipient of the 'Jedi Rescue?' I think NOT! Always dragging my own ass out of trouble. Sheesh. Come to think of it, I just saved *him* from that whiney bitch who was going to kidnap him! Woah Nellie! That boy has some 'splaining to do!"

The Diva, now properly fueled by her feelings of being abused and unloved began climbing again with a vengeance.

"Stupid Princesses! Stupid captive dress! What do they think I am, a Wench? Geez, everyone knows Ho's don't get dressed up in stooopid clothes when kidnapped. Look at Jabba the Hutt, Leia sure took care of him. I should go back down there and kick that Duke again!...Woah!!"

In her tirade, the Diva's foot slipped, and she started to slide down the rock face faster and faster. "Noooooooo!" She yelled as she cast her hands around for something to grab onto.

With a hard bump, she landed on a craggy ledge on her butt. Her white pointy shoe cascaded to the ground below...falling...falling...until a muffled thump signaled it had finally hit bottom.

"Shit...ok, that does it!..." Looking skyward she whimpered "Ok, alright already...I'm *scared* ok? I admit it! How's that?? Help here would be hot!" Emmy sat down and crossed her arms. She would wait here for a bit. Just a bit. You never know, maybe that Jedi rescue might just be on the way. Or not.

"Ha! Who am I kidding!" The Diva sputtered, rubbing her sore bum, still not quite ready to try the rock wall again.

~*~

"Remain here? What are we? Damsels in distress?" Kendra asked, stomping her foot and immediately breaking her heel, causing her to fall backwards on her butt.

Dor helped Kendra up. "I've never listened to Qui before. I'm not going to start now."

Dande nodded and struck a Wonder Woman pose. "We will rescue the Dean. It is our sworn Wench duty."

Dor and Kendra exchanged a dubious glance. "Whatever," Dor said. "If she laughs at the pink spandex uniform, I'm sticking that comb up her --"

"Yes, dear," the Wench said, grabbing a jar of cover-up and smoothing a bit more on Dor's arm, trying vainly to disguise the pentagram and 'Property of the Greysider' tattoos.

"I can't believe you let him tattoo you like cattle," Kendra remarked, her Ho-Chlorian's obviously distressed. "Does LP have the same tattoos? Did Xani mark him too?"

The Wo smirked. "Pelham doesn't want anything to mar his perfect skin. But you should see where Xanatos' 'Property of Dorotea' tattoo is. Well, given your propensity toward peeking at wangers, you probably already have."

"It was an accident!"

"Mmmm Hmmm. Sure it was." Dor snickered.

"Hey!"

"No bickering, please," pleaded the Wench.

"Oh, right. Like you don't have the initials QGJ tattooed on you somewhere." Dor chuckled.

"Our ride is here," Dande chimed in, delicately changing the subject when she heard the honking of the Volvo outside the cottage. She snapped her perfectly manicured fingers and a pair of pink high fashion sunglasses appeared out of thin air. The Wench slid them on.

"We have to ride in the Demon Car?"

"It's not Demonic!" Dor said, defending her baby as she made sure her bra was fully loaded with ammunition.

"Yeah, Right." Kendra snorted as she snapped her fingers over and over, waiting. "Hey, I want sunglasses too!" She sputtered when her hands remained empty.

"It's not demonic," The Wench said, crossing herself. "It's obsessed and demented, there's a difference. Would I get near annathang demonic?"

"Wench denial." Kendra muttered sullenly.

On her way out of the Cottage, the Wench peered into the nursery.

"Yes, Mum?" Mary Poppins asked, looking up from the book she was reading to Cara.

"Mary, we're going out, but I think you should know, there are Princesses here, I'm worried about you and Cara. Do you think..."

"Oh, no worries, mum. I'm Mary Poppins, I'm a Practically Perfect in Every Way Ho. We'll be fine. Perhaps I'll just take Cara for a walk through a book, or for a tea party on the ceiling. Or maybe I'll just kick Princess bum if any of them show up." The amazing woman responded as she reached for her umbrella and waved it menacingly. "But remember, I never explain anything." She added with a smile.

"Mary, you rock. What would I ever do without you?" Dande asked as she smiled at the Nanny Ho.

"Oh, I'm sure you'd muck it all up somehow." She responded with a smirk.

"Goodnight, Mary."

"Goodnight, Mum. Kick some ass."

The Wench, the Ho and the Wo strutted, (okay, the Wench strutted, Dor and Kendra teetered, tottered and held each other for support) out to the waiting Volvo. The doors snapped open and the three slid in, with Dor in the driver's seat. "Take us to where they're holding our Diva captive, sweet car of mine."

::Princesses...Bad! Kicking ass, gooood:: It thought as it revved it's engine. ::Must find the Diva, Must make TrueLove happy::

The radio sprang to life with an appropriate tune:

**It's two a.m. The fear has gone. I'm sitting her waitin' The gun's still warm. Maybe my connection is tired of taking chances**

**Yeah there's a storm on the loose. Sirens in my head. Wrapped up in silence. All circuits are dead. Cannot decode my whole life spins into a frenzy**

**Help, I'm stepping into the twilight zone...**

~*~

Qui-Gon strode purposefully into the Library, not thinking about knocking until he was already inside, luckily Xanatos and Pelham were decent. Well, decent being a relative term -- at least Qui-Gon wouldn't have the images of their wangers burned in his mind forever.

Xanatos was hanging a large picture at the front desk and Pelham was attempting to dissuade the Greysider. "If you upset her whatevers, Gods only know what will happen. She may take to living in that Demon motor carriage."

Xanatos waved his hand dissuasively. "She'll freak, kick my ass and we'll get excellent boinkage out of it."

"Padawan!" Qui-Gon admonished. "Dorotea, however misguided and mistaken, loves you. It is a betrayal of that love to purposely cause her distress."

Xanatos rolled his eyes at his former Master. "Yeah, right. She tried to feed my foot to her monster this morning. Anyway," Xanatos continued, looking at the picture of the young Dorotea on the tractor, doing a perfect Wench hand wave, "this is just too damn funny. The big, bad, dark Hoodoo Voodoo queen, a teenage beauty queen!"

"It was a very traumatic experience for her," Da Mastah replied. "A few minutes after that picture was taken she fell off the tractor into a pile of manure."

Xanatos doubled-over laughing and the Da Mastah shook his head in disapproval. "We don't have time for this, Xanatos. Princesses are loose on Campus and apparently the Dean has been kidnapped."

Xanatos shrugged. "I wouldn't worry about the Diva. After whoever has kidnapped her has spent a bit of quality time with her, they'll throw her out."

Qui-Gon repressed the small grin that started to curl up on his lips, as he had had the same thought. "Are you coming with us or not?"

"Sure, there's bound to be a catfight."

~*~

The Volvo took off towards the woods. ::Smell cheap perfume...Must be the Princesses...Will follow them to the Dean...Make TrueLove happy::

Dor pulled a small flask out of her cleavage. "Eghads! Empty! We HAVE to stop by the pub. I will not be seen in pink spandex sober!"

"Dor, you can't drink and drive," the Wench scolded as the car suddenly veered toward the pub, sending the occupants sliding about the interior.

"Ouch! Your hair just bruised me, Dor!" Kendra complained, rubbing her shoulder.

"I'm not going to drink it while I'm driving!" Dor protested as the Volvo screeched to a stop in front of the pub. "I'll need it for the battle!"

Before the Wench could protest anymore, Dor was out of the car and headed inside.

Judy saw the strange looking woman with big black hair and pink spandex FemBot outfit walk into the pub. Warily she picked up her baseball bat. "Not even Halloween yet and already the weirdoes are out." She muttered. "What do you need?" she barked, trying to discourage loitering.

"Maker's! It's me - Dor!" The Librarian explained to the openmouthed Judy.

"No!" The Bartender said. "Dor?"

"Come on, Judy. This is serious! I need the stuff! I'm on a mission for the Wenches in Pink!"

"Whoever you are, I think you've had enough tonight already." Judy said seriously as she tapped the bat against the palm of her hand.

"JUDY!! I need these filled with Maker's immediately!" Dor exclaimed, pulling multiple flasks out of her uniform and piling them on the bar.

"It is you, Dor," Judy answered, pulling out a case of Maker's and opening the wax seal on the first bottle, pouring the Librarian's life force into flask number one. "Why didn't you say so!! What are you doing dressed like that? No, wait. Never mind." Judy said holding up her hand gesturing Dor to stop. "I don't want to hear about what weird sex games you and your harem are up to."

Dor frowned. "I don't dress like this for sex. Well, not often. You need to beware -- there are princesses loose on campus and Emmy has been kidnapped!"

"What?" The Bartender gave her bat a practice swing. "What did you say? Princesses here? I'll patrol campus."

"Good idea," Dor said, stuffing her now filled flasks in various spots in her uniform and her hair.

"If Emmy isn't back by tomorrow, I want her morning shower appointment!" Judy declared as Dor stumbled back out to the car.

~*~

Obi-Wan, Max and Xanatos sat in the Jeep Grand Cherokee as Qui-Gon took the turn off road and into the words.

"Are you using the Force to trace them, Mastah?" Obi-Wan asked. "Because I'm not picking up anything."

"No, Obi-Wan, before we went off road, I *was* following the oil trail that Volvo leaves whereever it goes. Now, I'm tracking the smashed up tree trunks and enormous ruts in the earth."

"Ahhh." The General replied, nodding.

"I can *usually* trace Dorotea in the Force." Xani began. "But since she's gone all freaky with that Hive buzz, I can't make it out. I want my wicked witch back." Xani muttered sullenly.

The group of men hung on as the Jeep took a particularly large lurch as it climbed over a felled tree in the Volvo's wake. As QGJ guided the car sharply around a clump of trees, the tailgate of the undead car came into view. Da Mastah suddenly swerved to stay on course with the wild chase. "Her driving skills have not improved since her hive days. I am going to have to speak to her about safe driving when this is all over. I should have known they wouldn't obey me and stay at the cottage." He muttered.

Max, Obi-Wan and Xanatos snickered a bit. "Obey?" They said in unison. "You gave them an order?"

Qui-Gon sighed heavily. "Well, yes. But Dande always listened to me, up til now, annaway."

"I must say, old man, I'm impressed you're still alive," Xanatos grudgingly admitted as the Jeep swerved again, barely scraping between two large trees as they came to a large clearing directly in front of a small mountain range.

~*~

Jumping with a start, the Diva thought she heard noise from above.

::Obi Wan!:: She thought happily. "Well, he's going to have to make this up to me! Leaving me here and letting those princesses get a hold of me. And where was he? With that *Master* of Dande's! Mmmm Hmmm. And here I am."

Suddenly, the sounds from overhead stopped, and all was silent once again.

"Oh shit." Emmy muttered as she plunked back down to wait some more.

~*~

Dande threw open the door of the Dormobile and leapt out gracefully, her WIP groove on like nobody's business. Crouching down, she sent out her Wench Senses to check the area.

~*~ In the Jeep, QGJ chuckled. "I love it when she does that. Makes me want to stalk up behind her and --"

"Mastah, please, she's something of a mother figure to us." Obi Wan objected quickly.

"Yeah, that's just freaky, old man." Xanatos said, shooting a look at the Big Man.

"You're calling *me* freaky Xan?" Da Mastah asked, laughing.

~*~

Dorotea slowly opened the driver's side door and stumbled out, falling on the ground. "If this ever happens again, I'm dying my Docs pink," she muttered, shuddering at the fact that she just used the words, 'Docs' and 'pink' in the same sentence.

~*~

"There's my witch." Xanatos muttered as Dor struggled to walk in her heels. "Is she wearing PINK?" Xanatos dissolved in laughter.

~*~

Kendra carefully climbed out, clutching the car door to help steady her on her wobbly feet. She looked nervously around and shook her head in a vain attempt to move the "being golden" do out of her line of sight.

~*~

"Is that my Kendra? When did she go That Blonde? Oh, my poor, Grrl." Obi Wan said with a small smirk as Kendra fell into Dor and they both fell down to the ground.

~*~

"Emmy is *That Way!*" Dande declared as she pointed and bounded towards a craggy ravine, unhooking her Wench-A-Rang (TM) from her belt.

"Hey, cool it there, Buzz Lightyear." Kendra grumbled. "How do you know?"

"It's that Wench Hoo Doo!" Dor exclaimed, looking around nervously. "Just promise me you won't let the Hive take me back Dande, ok?"

Peering over the edge of the cliff, Dande saw the Diva sitting on the ledge, arms crossed and mumbling.

"HEY EMMMYYY!" She called down the chasm. "It's us!"

The Diva looked up, still sulking. "Unless your name is Obi-Wan Kenobi, go away."

"Now, honey, be reasonable, we're here, and there are Princesses on the loose, and well, we're going to rescue you, Dear. I'm sorry if that makes you angry."

"No! I want a Jedi rescue! And I don't mean your Mastah!"

"Emmy! I'm only telling you once, grab the rope NOW, or I'm going to throw the Wench down there with you and leave!" Kendra shouted.

"Damn straight! I'm getting hives from this pink!" Dor added.

The Diva grabbed the rope and muttered under her breath. "Oh suuure, fine! Everyone else gets a Jedi rescue, and I get the three Wenchkateers!"

"I heard that!" Dor hollered down the pit, teetering dangerously on the edge. "Talk about ungrateful!"

"Yeah,Yeah, bite me." Emmy hissed. This was just too embarrassing. First, she'd escaped her captors, then trounced them, then dashed off bravely to save herself in an amazing show of Ho coolness.

::That was some pretty fine Ho'ness:: She thought with satisfaction.

Now, instead of a big heroic finish, she was going to be saved by the Supremes. Fastening the contraption around her waist, she silently prayed as they began pulling her up.

They raised her in fits and starts, thwacking her against the rock wall at several intervals.

"OW! Hey! Watch it! OOMPH! THAT WAS MY HEAD!"

"Sorry, Em!" Dande said nervously.

"Shaddup already!" Dor yelled down.

"BITE! ME!" Emmy yelled through gritted teeth as the back of her head thwacked against rock.

"Now, now, Em. Let's try to change our attitude." Dande called down sweetly.

"Change this Wench!..Ahhhhh!" Emmy yelled as suddenly she was falling back down the divide, landing in a heap on the ledge. "WHAT THE FUCK!"

"Emmy, hang on! It's the Twitch commandos, we're surrounded!" Kendra shouted.

"Oh, this is just great. She muttered. "HEY, BEFORE YOU CAME IN HERE, DID YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW TO GET OUT??" Emmy crossed her arms and cursed silently.

~*~

"Master Jinn, look there!" Maximus said, crinkling his eyes at the corners and looking deep. "Off to the side, a group of Princess mercenaries are advancing on the women!"

"Coooool." Xani purred. "Now *This* will be a catfight."

"Mastah? How many are there?" Obi Wan asked, concerned.

"Only eight. These Princess types are cowards, the catfight will be short."

"Bummer." Xani muttered.

~*~

The WIP wanna bees whirled around and hit a "Ready for Action!" stance. Hey, this was Princess combat, and every Wench, Ho, Hench, Hybrid, Wo, and even the Betty Crockers were members of the Anti Twitch army. It was their sworn duty.

"Hot Damn! This is going to be good." Xani snickered.

"What do you think youre doooooing?" Screeched a Princess. "Weeeee had plaaaaaaaaaans! I want those die-monnndss!"

"Gimmie your Master! You bitch! He's going to be miiiine!"

Qui-Gon shuddered.

"Where is the Padawaaaaaaaaaaan! He's got to sing to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I want him to sing the Sound of Muuusic!"

"Oh, Mastah, the whining, I cahn't staand it" Obi Wan said elegantly covering his ears.

Tempesta lunged for Dande, claws out, aiming her knife for the Wench's back. Dande went low and knocked her out at the knees, rolling out of the way in time to stomp on the Princess' wrist and disarming her.

"Hey, mom pulled off a great move!" Xanatos observed.

"Yes, she's faced that type of attack many times." QGJ muttered.

~*~

Emmy still sat on her duff in the chasm. "Fine! I'll just sit here then. See if I care. I'LL JUST ROT HERE FOREVER! OH, DONT WORRY ABOUT ME!!" She shouted up at the scuffle going on at the top.

"Well, I certainly hope not." Came a soft, cultured voice from the top far end of the rock wall.

"Who's there?" Emmy asked, with a huge, giant grin on her face.

"I'm Obi Wan Kenobi, I'm here to rescue you!" The General shouted down, playfully.

"You're who?"

"I'm Obi Wan Kenobi, I've got your diamonds, I'm here with Qui-Gon Jinn."

"Aww Man! And you were doing so well there for a while!" Emmy giggled as the General used the Force to lift her gracefully to the top and onto firm ground.

"Well then, I'll just have to strive to do bettah," He said as he pulled her in for a Heroic! Kiss! (TM)

"Mmmmm," Emmy said as he drew away. "I think you're doing just fine I'd love to stay and smooch Doll Face, but I'm afraid --"

"Whaa?" OWK asked, his face a mask of befuddled amusement.

"I have some PRINCESS ASS TO KICK!" Emmy finished as she whirled around to join the rumble. "Save some whiney ass for me to kick girls!" With a flip of her hair, she jumped into the fray.

~*~

"Remarkably well done, Padawan." Qui-Gon noted in amusement as he and the other men walked up to the General. "But of course, you learned from the best." He added with a smirk.

"Thank you Mastah. But I did have to add a few Modifications to the Damsel Rescue to make it more fun." He answered with a sly grin.

Xani rolled his eyes.

"Gentlemen, the fight continues, should we --" Max began.

"Mastah, we *should* do something," Obi-Wan said with a nawtay smirk.

"Sha! Like I'm going to stop this." Xani growled as he watched Dor plant her pointy heel squarely in a twitcher's face.

"I am doing something, Padawan, I'm watching Dande catfight," Qui-Gon rumbled appreciatively.

"Are you sure you want her to leave the WIPs Mastah? You seem to like her brawling."

"Heh, and he pretends to be so respectable," Xanatos drawled.

"My Padawans," Qui-Gon said, addressing them both at once. "there are more than enough catfights on campus to keep us all entertained."

"Ohh Maan! That was a tough knee Dande took to the stomach."

"She'll be fine. Watch."

"Mastah, are you teaching her moves?" Obi Wan asked suspiciously.

"What? Wishpuff? I wouldn't --"

Before QGJ could say anything more in protest, Emmy jumped in the air and executed a perfect OWK Straddle Thingy Kick, (TM) knocking two Princesses into next week. Kendra then sprang over the head of one of the would be attackers, landing behind her and kicking her arse.

"I believe those look like your moves, Padawan?" Qui Gon asked with an evil grin on his face.

"TAKE THAT YOU PRINCESS BITCH!" The Librarian roared as she grabbed one of the most annoying, screeching women by the hair and head butted her.

"I see she has had the proper instruction as well." Obi Wan laughed as he looked at Xanatos.

"Well, she usually only uses that in the bedroom. Man, that's hot!" Xanatos purred.

~*~

Back at the Cottage, the three would be WIPs and the Diva stood in front of the view screen in front of the image of the Big, Giant Hair.

"Dahhlinks, you doing za vunderval job against da Princesses. Dey are being Puuunished." Ivana laughed softly.

"Umm, excuse me, your Hairness, but ummm, about my *processing?* Can I go back to my, umm, civilian look now?" Kendra asked, determined to do just that, but there was that pesky issue of "reconditioning" Dor kept yammering about. Couldn't be too careful, after all.

"Kendravitch, why you wanting back vit dee regoolar blonte? Dee golden ees so boootiful on you, nita. Steel, ez up to you, ya?"

"Thank goodness," the Water Ho muttered, scratching her scalp, still itchy from all the *processing.*

"Emilia, vee finding da Duke trussed up like zee Yuletide goose, no? Und he vas crying for his mooter!" The BGH's laughter sounded like perfect, dainty bells ringing. "Brava Emillinka!"

"Oh, you know, happens all the time." The Diva waved her hand and said nonchalantly.

"Dandalo! Vell doone. I ask you again to choin Da Koompany. Vill you refuze da Big, Giant Hair herself, dahlink?"

"I'm sorry, Mistress." Dande said as she leaned against Da Mastah. "Nothing could make leave this place."

"Und. Dorotaaaayyyyaaaahhh."

"Oh, I hate when she does that!" Dor murmured quietly. "Look, Dande, don't let them take me!"

"You veery brave Vench dear. Ve giving you dee highest Vench avard ve having. By dee power vestet in me by de Glorious Hive Mind, I grant you the Vench Star Clooster, Dahlink. You were a key player in dees mission, and ve could not have done it vitout you, ya?. Ok, I go now. I'm late for the Russian Tea Room."

As the screen went dead, Xanatos burst out laughing. "Dor, you got a Wench award? Oh, this is too good. I'm going to hang it on the wall next to your pagent picture!"

"Hey! I'll HURT you!"

"Ohh, I'm counting on it."

"Hey, I didn't get an award?" Dande asked, shocked.

Emmy laughed. "Yeah well, Miss Perfect Wenchie, you can't win them all." She giggled as the General wrapped one arm around her waist and one around Kendra's.

"But I *always* do. Am I slipping?" Dande mused aloud.

"Yeah, well, Dande, I'd love to stay and talk about your inferiority whatevers," Kendra began with a naughty look on her face. "But I have a hair washing appointment with the General."

"Indeed you do." Obi-Wan grinned as he led the Water Ho away.

"I'm going to pick up my hair combs at the jewelers." Emmy announced. "They had to rework the setting after that *bitch* tore them out of my hair. And I think the General wants me to get a new bracelet while I'm there, too." She added with a smile.

"I'm going to drag Miss Wench Star Cluster, Cow Town Beauty back to the library and fuc.."

"Xanatos!" QGJ rumbled.

"Boink her." Xanatos finished.

~*~

Emmy hurried through the rain to the front door of the admin building, Tiffany's bags securely clutched in her grasp. As she reached for the doorknob, the door instantly opened.

"You went *shopping*?" the General asked as the Diva hurried inside.

Emmy turned to look at him. "What??"

"Love, you were kidnapped and dropped in a pit today," he said.

Emmy put her hands on her hips, her shopping bags hanging from her wrists. "Oh, and like I'm going to let them win by not going shopping."

The General chuckled and kissed the Diva's forehead. "That's my grrl," he said, wrapping his arms around her shoulders and holding her close.

"Owie," Emmy said as the General squeezed her, her body still smarting from being whacked into rocks.

"Hmm, we'd better do something about that," the General purred. He then took the Diva's hand and led her down the hallway to her flat.

"The first thing I need to do is burn that horrible dress they put on me," the Diva said.

The General opened the door and turned to face her. "Already done, m'lady," he said, placing his hand on his chest and bowing slightly.

Emmy gave him a goofy grin. "That's my Obi."

"And now," he said, suddenly picking her up and carrying her inside her flat, "I think you need to be pampered."

"Okay," the Diva replied with a silly giggle, reaching out to slam the door shut.

~*~

Da Mastah walked into the kitchen where he found Dande staring out the window and still in some sort of distress over not getting a medal.

"Wishpuff? Are you really brooding?"

"No, Mastah. Not brooding. Just worried that I've lost my touch." She answered miserably.

"Come here." He purred lowly. "Let me show you how much your Touch is appreciated."

"Oh, Yes, Mastah!"

End.