Title: One Vampire, One Emperor, One General...One Headache
Author: Laure the bored
Rating: PPP (Perfectly Pointless Pap) Disclaimer: Not mine, gerbil boy owns some, other people own others; Hos and Wench own themselves.
Timeline: Um, now?
Summary: We're at the lodge, this is basically drivel; and sorry Julia about the Spike bits, I know you'd never stray from OWK. Oh, and there's no snow on the ground at the moment, though there's skiing up higher. I wanted Fall. Dichotomy rules. < G > Distribution: Hostate, duh. No one else is gonna want it.

"Look, I thought we took care of all this last week," Laure pointed out, blocking the doorway to cabin number two's bedroom with her scantily clad body.

Commo frowned, his brow furrowing, his eyes going from puppy dog to wolf and back again. "You married another man."

"It was a joke," Laure persisted, lying through her teeth.

"So you told me, a joke to irritate that loud diva woman." He clearly didn't believe her.

Laure gently stroked the front of his tasteful burgundy sweater. "I would never marry another man." Than the General, she concluded silently, also mentally crossing her fingers.

"You locked me in your rooms for two days."

"I told you, all the security systems were messed up."

"And then you bring me up here, leading me to believe that we will have a lovely, romantic week, and you spend all your time with your lady friends or in this other cabin."

"Not all my time," she protested.

"Why do you need another cabin?" he asked suspiciously at the same time.

"Um, propriety," she threw out, grasping at straws. "Yep, the owners of the lodge don't approve of pre-marital relations." Well, Emmy didn't approve of it with anyone other than the General. She mentally glowered as the sound of muffled laughter reached her ears from the bed behind her.

"But, the Nurse and that slave boy of Maximus' are sharing a cabin."

"They're married, remember?"

Commo shuddered. "Surely she could have found a more desirable husband, even with her shrill voice."

"Love, darling, it does odd things to people."

"Lady Shana? Is she married to the bespectacled man?"

"Um...no...um...they'll probably be caught and she'll have to get her own cabin. I just didn't want the hassle. Now, sweetie, I'm very tired."

"It's three in the afternoon," he interjected.

"Nap time," she faked a yawn.

His frown turned into a wolfish grin and he reached for her.

"No, no, tonight, my love. Let me rest from the hard morning of...um...shopping."

He frowned again, but then sighed heavily in acceptance. "Perhaps I shall go hunting."

"Good idea." Patting him on the shoulder, Laure sent him on his way, sighing in relief as the outer door closed behind him.

"Juggling three men is just NOT working," she muttered to herself before turning and entering the bedroom.

"What a pussy." Spike took a drag on his cigarette and placed the other hand beneath his head as he leaned back against the headboard, naked beneath the sheets.

Laure glared at him. "Put out that damn butt and shut up."

"Bossy bitch," he muttered, stubbing out the cigarette in a diet coke can.

"Like you don't love it."

"Some day I'm going to find a nice, docile woman."

Laure snorted. "You'd be bored within ten minutes."

Leaping on him, she showed him why.

*****

"Why are we taping Laure's sexcapades with someone other than the General?" Sere asked, fiddling with the remote controls from the cabin she and Julia had turned into a darkroom.

"Because Spike has a sexy voice and a sexy smile and he's just sexy."

"You're not going ungrateful are you?"

Julia gave her sister a look of total shock. "I can ogle other men without going that far."

"But, still, why are we taping them?"

"Um...blackmail?"

"...Cool."

Grinning, Julia checked one of the cameras and saw that the General was raking leaves.

Shirtless.

"*&#@! Laure and Spike, LOOK!"

Sere glanced over, then jumped to her feet. "Grateful Ho's coming through!"

*****

"Where are you going with that thing?"

Commo stopped in his tracks and turned to find himself facing the one known as 'secretary'. She had a very angry look on her face, and her glare was aimed at the crossbow in his hand.

"Hunting."

"I don't think so." Kendra held out her hand and held her ground, even when his eyes wandered down her body. Even her concern that he would get all confused again over her didn't outweigh her fear for her life.

"Have you ever thought about wearing a chiton and perhaps pulling your hair up..."

Kendra's yell of horror cut off his murmurings and he watched, puzzled, as she ran back into the lodge.

These women were always so temperamental.

*****

Tara barely stepped out of the way as Kendra barreled into the main room of the lodge. "You okay?"

"Commo...crossbow..." the General's secretary panted in reply.

"History repeating itself," Kymira snickered from the couch where she and Jen were flipping through magazines.

"Why isn't he with Laure?" Kendra demanded, flailing her arms around in emphasis. "She should keep him on a short leash."

"She's tied up." Kymira thought about her words and smirked even more. "Probably literally."

"TMI,"Tara expressed, then patted Kendra's heaving shoulder. "Want to go set something on fire?"

That perked the other girl up.

"Nothing important," Jen yelled as the two Water Ho's headed for the backdoor.

"Should we be worried that we're in the middle of a very combustible pine forest?"

Both Ho's looked at each other, then headed off to find the nearest fire extinguisher.

*****

Out on the lawn the General was calmly raking leaves, totally unaware of the swooning Ho's surrounding him. A few of the new freshmen had managed to withstand his shirtless state and were loading bags with the leaves he'd raked.

Judy and Emmy were lounging in Adirondack chairs, sipping hot chocolate and admiring the view. They watched as Obi-Wan turned and nearly fell over a young Ho in a pile of leaves. He scratched his head and bent down to help her up.

"Isn't he cute when he's clueless?" Judy asked.

Emmy licked her lips of chocolate foam and sighed happily as the General's muscles rippled.

"What'd we miss?" Julia asked, camera already snapping as she slid into an empty chair.

"Shirtlessness."

"And way too many swooning freshmen," Emmy growled. "They keep getting in the way."

Sere rolled her eyes and poured herself a cup of hot chocolate from the thermos. "They'll build up a protective layer soon enough."

"I dunno," Judy added thoughtfully. "He still makes me swoon sometimes."

"But, we as powerful Ho's can resist random nekkidness." The Dean took another sip and arched a brow as Obi-Wan chuckled at the leaves adorning one of his adoring throng.

"Why would we want to?" With a mischievous smile, Julia put down her camera and charged the General, knocking him into a pile of leaves.

The bartender rose and stretched. "She's got a point."

The older Ho's joined the younger in pelting the General with leaf balls.

*****

Shana stood on the front porch of her cabin cursing at her cell phone. Ten minutes ago she'd received a cryptic and static filled call from Lindsey. He'd shouted 'eureka' and then mumbled something about being naughty and then the damn feed had cut out again.

"I knew I shouldn't have left him behind," she muttered, banging the phone against one of the wooden posts.

"You're going to break it," Scott pointed out the obvious as he approached the cabin carrying an armful of freshly chopped wood.

"It's already broken, *&#$% thing."

"You know, the university won't fall apart without you."

She cocked a disbelieving eyebrow at him. He dumped the wood on the porch, then proceeded to stack it in a totally anal way, which made his biceps ripple in a very interesting way.

"You're all sweaty."

He flipped her a grin and placed the last log. "Jacuzzi?"

Tossing the useless phone into the bushes, Shana raced into the cabin, Scott on her heels.

*****

At ten minutes after five--ten minutes after the designated 'Ghostbuster' marathon was to begin--Dande knocked cautiously on the door to Laure's cabin number two.

Jerking awake, Laure swore like a pirate on realizing the time, and scrambled from the bed, grabbing for clothes.

"Where you going, luv?"

"Ghostbuster marathon," she mumbled through her sweater as she pulled it over her head.

Spike perked up. "Ghosts?"

"It's a movie."

"Yeah, I know that. Never saw it. Dru was more into torturous Swedish films." Swinging his legs over the side of the bed he reached for his jeans.

Laure stared at him, brush held above her head. "What are you doing?"

"Getting dressed. Going to watch the movie."

"But...but..."

He kissed her to shut her up, then yanked his t-shirt over his head. "Coming?"

"General?" Laure finished weakly, trying to remember how to brush her hair.

"Like he doesn't know," Spike scoffed, making hurry up gestures as another knock sounded on the door.

"He...he...Go get the door," she finally growled, dropping the brush and hunting for shoes.

Grinning, Spike strolled to the door and opened it. The cabin faced East and the sky was fading to night in that direction. On the doorstep stood a tall woman with big hair. "We were asleep."

Dande blushed daintily.

"Laure, get your arse in gear," he hollered over his shoulder. Pulling his duster up over his head, he loped off towards the lodge.

"Arse my ass," Laure muttered, stomping through the sitting room.

"Where's he going?"

"He plans to watch the movies with us." Laure slammed the door behind her and stuffed her hands into her jeans' pockets.

"Laure, why is he here to begin with?" Dande questioned as they began to walk up the path.

"Hell if I know. Every time I bring it up he kisses me and...well, I forget what I was asking him."

"Well, with Buffy alive again, perhaps he no longer feels needed in Sunnydale."

"Ooh, you wanna analyze him? I'll send him to you first thing once we're back at HSU," Laure replied, a tad gleefully.

"He won't bite me will he?" Dande asked, concerned.

"Chip."

"Oh, right. Okay, might be interesting."

"Wanna bet Qui-Gon will hover?" Laure asked, grinning.

Dande perked up at that thought.

*****

As they entered the Lodge's entertainment room, Laure frowned at the sight of Spike and Julia having an animated conversation.

"So, how come since you don't cast a reflection, you show up on film?"

Grinning, Spike shrugged his t-shirt clad shoulders, making the cloth tighten across his rather amazing pectoral muscles. "One of those mysteries, luv."

A few freshmen Ho's were eyeing the vampire with too much appreciation for their own good and Laure glared at them, then plopped down on the couch on Spike's other side.

"You're being ogled," she declared flatly.

He grinned at her. "I like this jealous side of you, honeypot."

Laure smacked him upside the head and he caught her hand and sucked one of her fingers into his mouth, making her melt.

"And the violent side."

Julia rolled her eyes and pushed 'play' on the remote.

*****

As movie one ended, Spike sighed heavily. "You know, it's really sad that demon incursions into this miserable reality usually end about as stupidly."

Laure smacked him again.

"Now you're just turning me on," he leered in her ear.

As the tape began to rewind and people rose for the replenishment of snacks--and Julia decided that taking a few candid pictures of the former mediator and her vampire bickering and groping would be good blackmail material-- Dorotea wandered into the room.

A dilapidated cellphone was clutched in one hand, a torn and tear-stained photograph in the other, a nearly empty bottle of Makers under one arm. Her hair was wild, her clothes unkempt- -though still as black as night--and theree was a very disturbing look in her eyes.

"Three days, three days," she muttered over and over again, then tried to punch the 'on' button on the clearly broken phone.

Laure sighed. "Why don't you just go into town and use a phone there."

"...There's a town?" The scary look began to fade from Dorotea's eyes.

"Or better yet, get their asses up here."

"But, the principle..." the Librarian began weakly.

"What principle?" Julia asked.

"Um...I know there was one."

"Or you could just have an appointment with the General."

Dorotea glowered down at Laure who smirked back. "You're just mean."

"I just don't see why you want to suffer."

"Maybe you could see it better through the eyes of a chicken," Dorotea snarled.

Laure rolled her eyes at the threat, but Spike looked intrigued.

"Then I could send you to the poof as a prezzie."

Clearly baffled, Laure went, "Huh?"

"You know, the Irish and farm animals."

"That's sheep," Laure retorted. "And Angel's never shown any proclivities towards sheep, plus he's a eunuch."

"Dunno. I hear he's breaking out the leather pants again."

As Laure started to look interested--well, not in the being a chicken part--Dorotea growled and stomped her foot.

"What about me and my problems?"

"Dorotea, would you like to have dinner with Da Mastah and me? We could talk about your needs." Dande set down a tray full of cookies and other snack foods before settling into a comfortable rocking chair.

"And Qui could give me lecture number twenty-seven b on why Xani is all wrong for me."

"He doesn't think he's all wrong for you, he's just concerned that you'll get hurt."

"I'm already hurt! I need my men!" Dorotea wailed.

"Having more than one EA is a pain in the ass," Laure muttered.

"You should try combining them, works much better," Dorotea stopped wailing and turned back to the former mediator. "You just get a big bed and..."

**The rest of the brief conversation is censored due to concerns over Wenches fainting from shock and Divas gagging and yelling about ungratefulness.**

"Yes, but Commo would never go for it."

"And I'm not AC/DC," Spike protested for the nth time.

"Uh huh," Laure and Dorotea replied together for the nth time.

"Ghostbusters 2 is now showing," Dande proclaimed loudly, pushing 'play', and shutting up the room.

*****

Just as the pink slime encrusted trio invaded the restaurant on the screen, there was a loud masculine scream from outside. As Dande paused the film, the group inside turned to the windows.

Outside, Commo was jumping up and down, flailing his arms as Kymira and Jen aimed fire extinguishers at his burning butt.

"Oh *&#@Q$," Laure said quite succinctly.

Jumping to her feet, she ran to the back door and flung it open just as Kendra and Tara charged into view and dumped buckets of water on the steaming--literally--fallen emperor.

"You know, it's just not the same," Tara mused.

"I'm so sorry, really, I mean it," Kendra babbled, trying to stay out of Commo's line of sight.

Jen snickered. "Burned right through to the skin."

"Ick, I don't need to see that," Water Ho #2 proclaimed, dropping her bucket.

"I didn't mean to set him on fire, really, I..." Kendra's eyes widened at the sight of an inflamed--not literally--chanteuse stalking her way. "Eep."

"What the hell happened?"

"Laure, my love," Commo gasped, his hands trying to cover his nekkid backside. "I have been attacked, set upon by demons."

"Hey," Tara protested.

"It was an accident," Kendra argued. "I swear. Not retaliation or anything."

Laure swung on the two Water Ho's. "Maybe we need to start calling you Fire Ho's, you little vandals."

"Hey," they both protested.

"All we did was start one eensy weensy fire so that we could get the General all wet as he put it out," Tara reasoned.

"How were we supposed to know that Commo was hiding in that bush trying to kill a harmless bunny?" Kendra added indignantly.

"I am grievously injured, dearest," Commo whined.

Laure rolled her eyes at all of them, walked behind Commo, yanked his hands away and examined his sooty, but unmarred flesh. "I'm going back to watch the rest of my movie. Commo, take a cool bath, drink a tonic and go to bed. The rest of you, stay out of trouble. And NO MORE FIRES!"

Spinning on her heel, she ignored all protests and stomped back to the lodge where everyone was crowded in the doorway and at the windows. Spike blocked her entrance, smirking down at her.

"He really is a pussy."

Smacking one hand against his chest, she shoved him out of her way and flopped down on the couch. "Movie, NOW."

"He does have a nice butt, though," Dorotea began as she settled into her chair, then her eyes widened. "Oh god, what am I saying? I need my MEN!"

Dande again pushed 'play'.

*****

"An ass just walked by," the Servant pointed out to his wife as he lounged in a window seat drinking Gatorade between bouts of *censoring*.

"Huh?" Darry asked from the bed.

Cicero smirked. "It looks like someone set the idiot emperor on fire. He's walking around bare assed, his pants all charred."

"He didn't look injured did he? Because I'm really too busy to deal with it."

"Injured pride perhaps. I look forward to hearing the tale. It will bring Maximus much joy, I'm sure."

"Yeah, yeah. Let's talk about something much more important."

One gorgeous eyebrow rose. "Like?"

Darry rose from the bed wearing only a very sheer white shirt. "It's been a whole half of an hour."

Cicero chugged the Gatorade.

*****

Much, much later, after Commo had been soothed, and Spike *censored*, Laure relaxed in the General's arms, curled on the rug in front of the fireplace in his bedroom.

"So, have I made it up to you enough for the chintz?" she teased, and nipped his chin.

"The interior decorator you hired was enough, my love."

"Then what about the going insane over being married to you part?"

"Well...you were the only one who actually seemed happy to be married to me."

"The Wenchiclorians in me."

"So, I wasn't mad at you," he continued.

"So, you were mad at everyone else?"

Obi-Wan squirmed a bit, which made Laure's eyes light up with both mirth and desire. "Um, no."

"You locked us in the Pub," she pointed out helpfully.

"What was that about making it up to me?" The desperation in his voice made Laure giggle, and she did just that.

End