~~*~~

The Nurse awoke.

Alone.

"Cic??" she called.

Scrambling out of bed, she pulled on her scrubs. "Cic??" she called again, making a quick search of the cabin.

She then glanced at the front door and found a note attached to the wood with a large knife.

'Gon hunting with bo and airoz frum kamp. Bee bak soon,' it read.

"Arrows? What the hell is wrong with him?" the Nurse groused as she hurriedly put on her shoes.

She ran outside and frantically looked around. "Oh thank God!" she said, seeing Cic's head poking above the brush by the lake.

"Oy!!" the Nurse yelled, getting Cic's attention just as he was about to shoot at a pheasant.

"I'm tryin' tew--"

"I don't care," Darry said, grabbing the crossbow out of his hand, throwing it to the ground, and then tugging him back to her cabin.

After an impatient romp in the bushes, of course.

~~*~~

"Oh my God!" Emmy said, hurrying out to the porch after seeing through the Wench's kitchen window that the General had tossed off his shirt in the very cold rain and was doing cartwheels between the trees.

"What is he doing?" Dande asked, following the Diva outside.

"I wanna be an Air Force ranger!" they heard the General chant over and over again as he ran in circles.

"Uhhhh," Emmy said.

"Oh dear," Dande said.

~~*~~

Julia sat on a large boulder at the edge of lake, enjoying the peace and quiet. Although it was chilly, she loved the clean, crisp air, and the pinkish glow that the afternoon sun was casting on the snow capped mountains in the distance.

She chuckled at the recollection of watching Tara blazing across the lake trail, yelling about lasso'ing jellybeans.

"Crazy Ho's," Julia mumbled under her breath.

And then, for no apparent reason, Julia stood and yelled, "The anchovies' time has come! We shall not be defeated!"

~~*~~

Dande heard a frantic knock at the front door. Before she could get there, however, Emmy rushed past her.

"It might be him! Maybe he is looking for me!" The First Wife declared loudly.

"DON'T LET THE SLUGS IN!!" Tara cried in panic from the center of the room where she was making warding signs.

"Everyone, calm down!" Dande shouted. No one listened. ::Why should today be different than any other day, after all:: The Wench mused as she took off after the Diva, who was about to rip the door off the hinges in an attempt to get it opened as quickly as possible.

After struggling with the knob, Emmy threw the door wide, looking hopeful. From the hall, Dande could see the expression on her face fall into disappointment. The Diva slammed the door shut again and stalked off muttering.

As she sulked past, Dande touched her arm gently and looked at Em.

"Yeah, whaddya want?" Emmy asked angrily.

"Em, who was at the door? Hmmm?" The Wench prompted gently.

"Oh, that. It's only Dor."

"Emmy, you slammed the door in her face!" Dande said, astonished.

"Yeah, so? Hey, are those cookies done yet?" She asked as she headed for the kitchen.

"IT'S NOT DOR, IT'S THE SLUGS!! BEWARE CHINTZ LADY!!" Tara squealed from where she stood on her head like Gomez Addams.

Dande sighed and opened the door. Dor stood on the stoop, one hand poised to
knock again, spell book in the other.

"Dor, please put down the spell book and come in, ok?" Dande said gently.

"Emmy was mean to me!" Dor hissed as she came into the cabin, only to reel from the shock of the Chintz in all its splendor. "Ahhhh! Bright Light! Bright Light!" She screamed, recoiling in shock. Dande grabbed a pair of sunglasses from the side table and moved in front of Dor, sliding them on her face and murmuring in a soothing voice.

"Here dear, that's better now, right?"

"Dande, Please! All the Chintz, I *almost* heard buzzing!"

"I'm sorry Dor, I'm glad you didn't flashback. Do you feel better now?" Dande asked.

Dor nodded in relief and looked at the Wench. "You gotta help me girlfriend. I'm jonesing."

"Whaaa?" Dande started to ask.

"AIEEEEE! On the Credenza!! Quick! Get the Jello launchers!!" Tara jumped to her feet and grabbed a fire poker, heading for the sideboard with a vengeance.

"Wow, she's really fucked up." Dor observed, laughing.

"Excuse me Dor, just make yourself comfortable, 'Kay?" Dande said as she ran and placed herself between Tara and the furniture.

"My Lady," Tara said with reverence as she dropped to one knee. "I fight the good fight so that your Chintz wisdom is protected and your Mastah with the compelling shoulders can be free to run as bigfoot through the forests in peace."

Dande improvised. "Your valor is well known, noble soul. I ask that you lay down your weapons in this, the...the..."

"The sanctuary of the snickerdoodles." Emmy finished, in a deadpan serious tone.

Tara collapsed on the carpet and wept.

"Thanks Em, You're good. I owe you one." Dande muttered.

"That's two you owe me, Junior," she imitated like Han, never taking her eyes off the window as she watched the General jump around under the trees and flap his arms.

"Dande, ummm....Can I have a minute?" Dor asked, looking shifty. "Lets go in the kitchen, ok??"

"Sure Dor, so what's up?" Dande asked.

"Dande, I need the stuff."

"Whaaa?"

"His stuff. You know..."

"Dor, umm, we're married now, I don't think.."

"Shut up Wench! I mean the *stuff!* the Jameson's!"

"Ohhh, Dor, you know how he always reacted when you drank his whiskey."

"Dande, come on! Hak brought the moonshine, but I just can't take. I can't take it!" Dor bemoaned, a wild look in her eye.

"Dor, he's hopping mad at me as it is. I think he's as mad at me as he used to get at you."

"No way," Dor said with disbelief. "If *you* get a lecture, I get to stay and watch!" She said laughing.

"Well, you may get your wish Dor..." Dande began nervously as she felt the mood of Da Mastah through their link.

"Dande! Look at me! Dande, I didn't want to have to tell you this...But, I'm SOBER"

"Oh my God." Dande whispered, awestruck. "Have you destroyed anything yet?"

"No, but I think I'm getting close." Dor observed.

"Hang on sweetie, this is an emergency."

"Sha! Like I didn't *say* that. Goofy Wench!" Dor muttered as Dande ran to the bar in the sitting room.

"My liege!" Tara cried as Dande entered the room. "My comrades have reported from the front lines! The bog men approacheth!"

Dande rubbed her temples as she moved past the toxic Ho. Moving to the small cabinet bar, she opened the SEKRIT compartment, and took out a bottle of Jameson's Irish whiskey.

"Is that the antidote??" Tara asked with wide eyes as Dande moved past her on her way back to Dor.

"It is the...ummm..." Emmy cast about for another rejoinder to this odd language of intrigue Tara was speaking. "Elixer to heal the librarian of the evil spell of the maggot king, but it is useless with the slug minions!"

"Ahhhh." Tara nodded sagely and retreated to the couch.

"Where the frack is Julia. She understands this crap." Emmy muttered.

"Julia's crazy, too?" Dor asked.

"Yeah, she shouted through the windows something about leading the special ops team into an ambush," Emmy said. "We didn't want to let her in, ya know. One nutter in here is one to many."

Dor nodded and snatched the bottle from Dande before she could even reach for a glass. "I'll just take the whole thing. OK?"

"Speaking of nutters," Emmy said nervously, rushing outside to the porch as she saw the General skipping to his lou.

"Sure Dor, I'll get him more, how did it come to this?"

"Nevermind, you've got worse problems." Dor answered as she poured a shot.

"What now?" Dande asked with trepidation.

"Well, Kendra is in the bar telling everyone about...You know..." Dor made a vague hand gesture below her waist.

"Dor, I really don't know what you're talking about..."

"Leviathan...The Big One!...You know....That!"

"Oh my." Dande considered the ramifications of Non Wenches being told about it. "Do you think we need to inform the Wench Counsel?" She asked nervously.

"Nah, nobody believed it." Dor said as she gave up on the shot glass and drank from the bottle.

"Why not?" Dande asked with a bit of frustration.

"She's right," Emmy called in from the porch. "I don't believe it either."

"No use marring your perfect record with it," Dor added.

"Oh good," Dande said, giving the Diva a glare.

"THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE!" Tara screeched from the rafters.

~~*~~

"Oh! Cookie cookie cookie starts with C!!"

Qui-Gon turned toward the sound of Obi-Wan's voice. "What the?" Da Mastah took several long strides beyond his cabin.

"YEAH! Cookie cookie cookie starts with C!!" the General shouted, shaking his hips with each "cookie".

"Obi-Wan!!" Da Mastah yelled, completely and totally flummoxed.

With that the General scurried up the nearest tree and then stretched himself tall on one of the branches. "I believe I can fly! I believe I can touch the sky! Dream about it every night and day!" And then he dove off the branch and thunked onto the ground below.

"Oh my God, he's dead!" Emmy shrieked from the porch.

Qui-Gon made a noise that loosely translated into, "Why did I ever leave the Order?"

"Emmy, he's not dead," Dande said. "Look, he's moving." Dande cocked her head to the side. "Kind of."

"Wishpuff," Da Mastah said, as he stepped onto the porch. "I'll need--"

"YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!" Emmy yelled, rushing over to him and grabbing his robe and shaking him.

Well, shaking the robe anyway. Qui-Gon stood perfectly still and stared down at her.

"Oh forget it!" Emmy said. "I'll go make sure he's okay."

"No *I'll* go make sure he's okay," Qui-Gon said.

"No, *I'll* go," Emmy said.

"No, *I'll*--"

"How about this," Dande said, stepping between them. "Emmy, you stay here with me, and Qui-Gon will go look after Obi-Wan."

"But--"

"You know how it is with these men, Emmy," Dande said. "There may be something troubling Obi-Wan that he needs some male bonding to remedy."

The Diva thought for a moment. Then she glanced into the distance to see the General doing sit ups.

"I wanna be an Air Force Ranger!"

"Well…." Emmy said.

Then the General crawled forward and picked up a flashlight. He began to make shadow puppets against a large tree in the dim evening light.

Emmy smiled. "He's so cute when he does that."

Then the General began to sing, "Little Bunny Foo Foo, hopping through the forest, catching field mice and BOPPIN' 'em on the head!"

Emmy's eyes widened with horror. "Okay, you go," she said to Qui-Gon. "But I'll give you some supplies," she added, walking back into the cabin.

~~*~~

Dor sat huddled in the corner of the main room, her emergency stash of moonshine and Da Mastah's whiskey quickly obliterated, and still she was sober and not in a pretty mood. Suddenly she heard a soft, shrill 'boom-boom' off in the distance, a sound that brought a lone tear to the hybrid's eye.

"I miss my car," she whimpered as the 'boom-booms' increased in frequency and in volume.

Within a minute, there was a squeal of tires, a loud crash as a car plowed into a nearby vehicle and Dor tossed aside her little brown jug and raced outside. For surely she'd finally lost her mind, she had to have lost her mind, for it sounded just like her beloved Volvo with it's backfiring and no brakes.

Pelham quickly crawled out of the broken passenger side window and kissed the ground, muttering his thanks for his survival. Xani on the other hand, slid out of the driver's side door and raked a hand through his hair while surveying his surroundings. "Damn it's cold up here," he remarked as he spotted Dor racing out of the lodge and heading his way.

"My baby, my baby!" Dor exclaimed with utter joy.

"Ahh…you missed me that much, huh?" Xani cockily grinned as he stood with his hands on his hips and waited to be knocked over by his woman.

Then Dor ran past Xani and threw herself on top of the Volvo's hood.

"What the fuck?" Xani said.

"You've come back to me," Dor gushed as the trunk suddenly popped open and from her vantage point she could see it filled with her Maker's.

"The car insisted we turn into that Liquor Stables, or some such droll place," Pelham remarked as he slowly stood up, unsteady in the snow.

"I knew you loved me," Dor smiled before planting little kisses upon the rusty hood.

The engine purred happily and the windows rolled up and down.

"Oh, this is the hello I get for putting my ass in a demon car," Xani growled before stalking into the woods, while Dor continued to gush over her revived car.

~~*~~

Julia walked stealthily through the Nurse's cabin. All those covert missions she and Sere had gone on to get the ultimate picture were now paying off big time. The Ho couldn't help but giggle upon hearing the Nurse and her servant going at it in the bedroom, like two rabbits in heat.

"Damn, how do they do that 24/7?" she whispered as her flashlight illuminated the kitchen.

"Eureka!" she mouthed to herself upon throwing open the cabinet doors and finding the mother load of Hershey's syrup, in the squeeze bottles no less.

Quickly filling her oversized pillowcases with the plentiful bounty, the Ho took one step towards the kitchen door and found herself suddenly pulled backwards from the weight of all the Hershey's bottles. With a quick glance to her overfilled sacks, she opted for plan two, open the kitchen window and toss the bottles out into the snow. And that's exactly what she did.

"Did you hear that?" Cic questioned mid-boink, making Darry look around the bedroom.

"No, now shut up and kiss me," she ordered, placing her hand behind her husband's neck and pulling him to her. Who cared if someone was breaking into the cabin, there were more important matters to be taken care of right then.

Mission accomplished, Julia herself exited through the open kitchen window and fell face first into the snow littered with Hershey bottles. It was all for a good cause. To help Tara lure the evil slugs to their destruction and to prepare for the Bog people, and whatever the hell they were doing in the grand scheme of it all the Ho smiled. But still Julia was fuzzy about this chintz deal Tara kept muttering about as well, oh well, she shrugged before grabbing an armload of bottles and hurrying into the forest.

~~*~~

In a matter of minutes, the Diva had put out the alert that the General was going crazy in the forest.

Qui-Gon sighed as the women filled his cabin, all staring out the window and telling him to hurry up and do something.

"Now give him this," Emmy said, handing Qui-Gon a stocking hat. "And these. And this," she added, handing him a scarf and gloves.

"Be sure to give him these," Dande said, handing him some Snickerdoodles and a thermos of hot cider. "It's Obi-Wan's favorite, I'm sure he'll feel much better."

"Very well," Qui-Gon smiled. "Now, I will go out there and--"

"Wait, you need to give him these," Emmy said, frantically hurrying forward with handfuls of bandaids and cotton balls.

"Why," Qui-Gon said.

"Why? WHY?? What if he's hurt?"

"I can't carry all this," Qui-Gon said.

"You have pockets!" Emmy replied, running off to find more provisions.

"Wishpuff," Qui-Gon said in that warning tone that indicated somebody was going to get thrown into the snow.

"Dear, please just take them. It that or you'll have to take Emmy with you," the Wench replied with big doe eyes.

"Very well," Qui-Gon grumbled.

And then the Diva ran from the hallway with a blanket in hand. "And this," she said, pushing the blanket on Da Mastah as she turned and ran back down the hall.

Moments later she appeared again, dragging a large propane heater behind her.

"No," Da Mastah said.

"But it's cold outside!" Emmy said.

"It's not *that* cold," Qui-Gon said. "We've been in much worse. Wishpuff, I'm going," he said, turning and walking out the door. Obi-Wan might be crazy, but dealing with that was a far cry better than being trapped in a relatively small cabin with hysterical women.

~~*~~

Spike wandered down the trail toward the lake. He looked down as he inadvertently kicked something. "What do we have here," he said, bending down to pick up the crossbow lying at his feet. "I could have a lot of fun with this." Spike examined the crossbow. "Still loaded."

He turned as he heard some rustling beyond the bushes right next to him. Then he smiled. Planting his feet firmly to the ground, Spike aimed the crossbow and pulled the trigger. The satisfaction he felt upon hearing his target scream was quickly replaced by a searing pain rushing through his head.

"Bloody hell," Spike growled, dropping the crossbow and grabbing his head.

Several seconds later he stood tall again, shaking his head a bit. "Damn well worth it, though."

~~*~~

"Little Bunny Foo Foo hopping through the forest, catching field mice and BOPPIN' 'em on the head."

Da Mastah sighed.

"And then the liiiiiiitle witch came out and said…"

"Obi-Wan."

"…Little Bunny Foo Foo, I don't wanna see you catching field mice and BOPPIN' 'em on the head."

"Obi-Wan!" Qui-Gon barked in that Mastahly tone of his.

The General twitched. Slightly. His hand falling out of bunny form.

Da Mastah stepped toward the General, softening his countenance now that he had the General's attention.

"And if you do it again, I'll turn you into a GOON!" the General exclaimed, quickly regressing and reforming his bunny shadow puppet.

"Padawan!"

"Yes, Mastah!" the General instinctively replied, rapidly jumping to his feet. He stood at attention and blinked.

"Good," Qui-Gon said. "Now, we can have a coherent discussion about why you are sitting in the middle of the woods in the dark and cold of night."

With that, the General plopped back down to the ground, searching the trees with his Maglite.

"Here."

The General looked up and saw a cookie. He looked at Da Mastah. Then he looked at the cookie again.

"Obi-Wan, just take it," Qui-Gon sighed.

"Thank you," the General responded, taking the snickerdoodle and sniffing it.

"And this, too," Qui-Gon said, shaking a thermos at him.

The General grabbed the thermos and unscrewed the top, the warmth and fragrance of the spiced cider making him smile just a bit.

"And these."

The General looked down as the gloves dropped next to his leg.

"And these and this and these."

The General blinked as the band aids, Bactine, and bag of cotton balls dropped into his lap as he sat cross-legged and stared down at the items with some confusion.

"And this," Qui-Gon said, jamming the hat onto the General's head.

"And these," he finished with a sigh, winding the scarf around Obi-Wan's neck and tossing the blanket on the ground.

The General looked up at Qui-Gon with his right eye, his left eye now covered by the hat. With his right eye he could see the long legs in front of him bending, and Qui-Gon's face finally coming into full view as he sat down in front of him.

"Obi-Wan."

The General blinked his right eye. "What?"

Qui-Gon smirked slightly and reached forward, righting the General's hat so he could see with both eyes. "This behavior of yours has me concerned."

"I'm tired," the General said, hugging the thermos to his chest as the steam from it rose to warm his face.

Qui-Gon sighed yet again. "Yes, I know. These women of yours…."

The General made a goofy grin. "They're pretty."

Da Mastah arched an eyebrow. "Obi-Wan, you're acting like an idiot."

The General pouted.

"Drink your cider," Qui-Gon said. He watched as the General sipped from the thermos, slurping rather loudly. Da Mastah's eyebrows raised. Then he continued, "Obi-Wan, these women of yours are going insane."

The General nodded. "They do that."

"Yes."

"But they're pretty," the General said, taking a big bite of his snickerdoodle.

"Yes, they may be pretty," Qui-Gon said with a lot of irritation. "But they're going insane, and they're parked in my cabin. So, you need to get up, walk back there and get them, take them all back to the lodge and sort out whatever it is that's driven you out here, and make them behave once again."

The General gave his former Master an incredulous look.

"Obi-Wan, this is serious. First of all, Tara knocked me into the lake this morning. Then Kendra walked in on Dande and I…Dande and I were…well, it's like this--"

"Yes, I heard about that," the General said with an amused snort.

Qui-Gon happened to glance to the side to notice that Obi-Wan was attempting to make lewd shadow puppets. Da Mastah growled and grabbed the Maglite out of the General's hand. "Enough."

"Phhhhtt," the General replied. "You're no fun at all."

"And if that wasn't bad enough, all of your women have been sitting around talking about my…my."

"Wanger, schlong, Johnson, big boy, Mister Happy--"

"Obi-Wan!" Da Mastah barked.

The General huffed and made a disgruntled face.

Da Mastah glowered. "And to top it off, *your* Emmy--"

"Oooh nooo," the General said, raising his hands defensively. "I take no responsibility for anything she does."

"Obi-Wan, it appears that your Emmy has some…unexpressed feelings for me."

The General's face scrunched. "Mastah, Emmy has no problem expressing her feelings about you."

"Obi-Wan."

"What?"

"And she said it to Dande no less, and Dande is such a comely, good natured Wench that how else could she respond but to laugh right along with Emmy at such a…troubling suggestion." Qui-Gon sighed as the General gave him a befuddled expression. "I overheard Emmy saying that she wanted…uh…to have...relations…in a manner of speaking…with me."

The General sat forward. "Pardon me?"

"Now, don't be upset, Obi-Wan," Da Mastah said. "It's perfectly understandable, but--" Da Mastah stopped in mid-sentence and frowned quite distinctively as the General threw his head back and laughed uproariously.

~~*~~

"Dande!!"

"What?" the Wench replied, having wrestled the salt canister away from Tara as she walked over to Emmy who had her face pressed against the window.

"Does your husband know what he's doing?" the Diva charged.

"Em, he's a Jedi. They're *both* Jedi. Obi-Wan will be fine."

"What is causing this?" Kendra asked

"All I know is that it's not my fault," Laure replied.

"Oh right," the Diva said. "He's *obviously* suffering from post-marital stress disorder."

"And how is that my fault?" Laure said.

"Well, you're the one who can't stop saying the M word!"

"Should we call Darry?" Jen Jen asked.

"Why, so she can throw stuff at him?" Ky replied.

"Empress!" Julia yelled, as she suddenly came charging through the door. "I have the armaments!"

Tara, being careful, not to step outside her salt circle, reached for the Hershey's syrup that Julia handed her. "COME TO MY ARMS!"

"And I have news that the battalion of magic corn has reached the crossing guard," Julia reported.

"Wibble!" was Tara's response.

"What the hell is going on here?" Judy asked.

"I don't know, and I don't care," Laure said.

Suddenly Commo burst through the door with an arrow sticking out of his butt.

~~*~~

"Oooohhh, I don't feel very good," the General groaned as he lay back on the ground.

"Good, then can we go inside?" Qui-Gon said, standing up.

"Good? What good? You think it's good that I don't feel good?" the General whined.

"Obi-Wan."

"Yes Mastah?"

"What has gotten into you?"

"I don't know, Mastah," the General replied, covering his face with his hands.

~~*~~

"And then they shall march on the Denny's! And our victory will be…will be…." Tara proclaimed, arms stretched high in the air.

Julia was balanced on her ever word.

While everyone else threw stuff at Tara.

"Our victory will be! Will be!" she announced. And then she passed out on the floor.

"Finally," Judy said.

"Yeah, she was really giving me a headache," Kendra said.

"DANDE!"

"What??" Dande replied, walking back over to Emmy who still had her face plastered to the window.

"I can't see them!" the Diva said.

"Em, it's dark outside," Dande said.

The Diva pouted. "But--"

"They're back!" Kendra exclaimed, seeing Qui-Gon semi-drag the General across the porch.

"Huh?" Emmy said, turning around and hurrying toward the door.

"Hello girls!" the General said, eyes half-mast and giving a weak wave as he remained slumped against Qui-Gon. Da Mastah deposited the General on the sofa.

"Let's just allow him to sleep it off, shall we?" Qui-Gon said as the Ho's approached en masse.

"But--" came a collective response.

"I don't know what he got into, but whatever it was came up green and slightly glowing," Qui-Gon said.

"Ewwww," came another collective response as every Ho took a slight step back.

"Is he injured?" Emmy asked.

"No," Qui-Gon said.

"Well, he looks okay," Kendra said as the General began to snore very loudly.

"There goes my fireside appointment," Judy lamented.

"I see that she finally clocked out," Da Mastah said, gesturing to Tara who remained sprawled out on the floor.

"Yes," Dande said. "Hopefully she'll be back to normal when she wakes up."

"If she's not back to normal, I'd be happy to use my bat to keep her unconscious," Judy drawled.

"I suppose I should make sure she gets back to the lodge," Qui-Gon sighed, long-suffering Mastah that he was.

"Thank you, Mastah dahling," Dande said, batting her eyelashes.

"Oh brother," Emmy said. She then walked over to the sofa to examine the General herself to make sure he truly was okay.

"Who's up for a hot toddy?" Judy asked, making her way to the front door.

"That's an excellent idea," Qui-Gon said, Tara slung over his shoulder. "Why don't you *all* go back to the lodge now."

Emmy pouted. "But what about--"

"He'll be *fine*, Em," Dande said. "I'll take good care of him."

"But--"

"I'm a Wench, I know what I'm doing."

"But what if he wakes up in the middle of the night and wants a bath??" Kendra asked. "It could happen!" she replied in response to the looks everyone gave her.

Qui-Gon opened the door and turned to face the Ho's.

Everyone winced as his turning knocked Tara's head against the door.

"I want everyone but Dande and Obi-Wan out of my cabin. Now," Da Mastah said matter-of-factly.

Emmy scowled. "Well, get out of the way then," she said, brushing past him.

~~*~~

"Darry! If you don't open this damn door right this minute!"

"You'll do what," the Nurse said, her head popping quickly out of the door. "Torture me with cabaret songs?"

"Very funny," Laure sneered. "Commo's been shot."

"So?" Darry said, glancing over at the whimpering fallen emperor.

"So, you're a Nurse!"

"Ah. Right," Darry said, she backed away from the door.

"Thank you," Laure said, stepping up while she helped Commo along.

And then a roll of gauze, cotton balls, a bottle of alcohol, and first aid cream flew out the door and landed at Laure's feet on the front stoop.

"Bitch," Laure said as the door slammed in her face.

"Trouble there, luv?"

Laure turned to see Spike with a shit-eating grin on his face.

"YOU did this," Laure realized, eyes growing wide.

"Dearest, what is this foul creature doing in my presence?"

"Be quiet," Laure said. Then she faced Spike again. "What about the chip??"

"Chip kicked in," Spike said, grinding a cigarette butt under his boot. "Kicked in after the fact, though. Take it this one has some bastard in 'im."

"Darling petunia--"

"Be quiet," Laure said again, dragging a limping Commo down the stairs.

"Pussy," Spike snorted.

~~*~~

Dande waited nervously for her Mastah's return. She knew she was in for trouble. Initially she'd hoped that the presence of Obi Wan sleeping on the sofa would save her, but after hearing a chorus of loud snores from the younger Jedi, she abandoned hope of a Jedi rescue from that quarter.

"Well, at least Dor will be amused." Dande muttered aloud as she went to check on Cara. Being a Wench Child, Cara was blissfully sleeping in her crib, clutching her puffalump.

The Wench froze when she heard the heavily booted feet scrape on the porch. She ran for the bedroom and thought vainly of pretending to be asleep as she heard him enter the hall and hang up his cloak.

::This is silly:: She thought. ::He's a Jedi, and we're connected mentally, he knows I'm awake, and he knows I'm worried he's mad at me:: There was no way around it, she was toast.

Making her way back to the sitting room, she saw Qui-Gon standing over Obi Wan, pulling the blanket up on his shoulders and ruffling his hair.

"He's sound asleep." Dande murmured as she stood next to Da Mastah.

"Cara?" He asked.

"Her too."

Qui-Gon drew himself up to his full height and tried to look his sternest. "Wishpuff, you behaved very strangely today."

"Yes Mastah, but I had to, you see..."

"You turned me out, you talked about my...well, you talked about things to the girls, you invited crazy people in. Now, yes, I know they were in distress, but still. You've never acted like that before. I was very uncomfortable all day," he added with a fake pout.

"Mastah, I didn't want to be interrupted earlier anymore than you did, but Kendra, she was so upset and well....."

"Yes, she was..." Qui-Gon mused, still not entirely sure why the Water Grrl had gotten so upset. Sighing, he softened his expression. "It's late Puff, I'm tired. Will you get me some of my whiskey?" He asked with *almost* a hint of a smile.

She knew he knew.

"Mastah, it's late. Why don't we just go to bed, hmm?"

"Trying to distract me, Wench?" He asked playfully as he shrugged out of his tunics.

"No Mastah, if you want your whiskey, you shall have it." She responded with a smile.

"What are you up to, Puff?" He asked with an eyebrow raised.

"Nothing Mastah, go light a fire in the bedroom, I'll bring you your drink."

"I'll know if it's not the good stuff." He grumbled.

"Would I do that?" She asked coyly as she flounced out of the room.

Qui-Gon made his way to bed, wondering how she was going to try to pull off a save on this one. He knelt to start the fire, and smiled to himself at all the craziness of the day. ::Keeps me on my toes, no doubt about that:: He thought with a soft laugh. And being close to Obi Wan was something he'd never trade for annathang. In spite of it all, he was a very lucky man.

::What is taking that Wench, has she run off in the woods now, too?::

He felt her presence and turned around. His Wench stood in the doorway. She was back in her robe and froofy slippers, and her hair was loose and flowing. In her hand she held a tray with an unopened bottle of Jameson's Irish and a glass.

He raised an eyebrow and grinned at her.

She sat on the bed, purposefully letting her robe slip off one shoulder, and poured Da Mastah a tall one. Then she smiled.

"How did you manage," he began.

Dande smiled and said, "I am a Powerful Wench Dear. Now, I believe we were interrupted earlier. Perhaps you should come to bed, Mastah."

Qui-Gon growled, in a good way. Then he paused. "Did you lock the front door?"

"Yes Mastah." Dande answered with a giggle.

~*~

Kendra sat bolt upright in bed and clasped her hands over her ears. "LA LA LA!"

"What? What?" Kymira asked as she came running in from across the hall.

"Dande and Da Mastah! Ewwww, I think they are getting frisky! Oh my goodness, I think somehow my empathic whatevers can tell when the big guy gets jazzy!"

"Ohhh, bummer." Ky said as she went back to her room, chuckling.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Kendra wailed as she put a pillow over her head.

~~*~~

"Okay, let me get this straight," Shana said as she drank her coffee at the bar late the following morning. "Tara spiked her Mountain Dew with absinthe and then the General drank, not knowing what it was, it when Tara left her glass out in the hallway."

"Yep, that's right," Judy said.

"So what about Julia?" Shana asked.

Judy shrugged. "No connection to the Absinthe. I think she just wacked out temporarily."

Shana nodded. "Yeah, it's happened to the best of us."

"Don't remind me," Judy said, shuddering at the memories of her shoes with the bows.

"So how are they doing this morning?"

"Pretty good. The General returned early this morning. He looked a tad pale, but he seems to have Force whammied himself back to relative health."

"And Tara?" Shana asked.

"She was pretty hungover," Judy said. "But I gave her my special anti-hangover concoction, and the last I saw her she was prattling on about the Charter."

"So back to normal then."

"Yup."

~~*~~

"But it doesn't make any sense to me!" Tara exclaimed. "Section Forty-Two *clearly* states that any concerns regarding any class syllabus should be directed to the HSU Board. But then Section Sixty-Five says to shut up!"

"Tara," the General said, rising from his chair and stalking over to her.

"Huh?" she replied, her fervor suddenly interrupted by his swagger.

"I know exactly what you should do to make this all very clear for you," the General said.

"What?"

The General grabbed the charter out of Tara's hands and tossed it into the fireplace.

"But-"

"You need to relax," the General purred, his lips brushing against her ear.

"Okay," Tara eep'd as her knees gave out and the General's arms wrapped around her.

~~*~~

"Ha! Serves him right!"

"Shut up," Laure said, glaring at Kendra as she waited for her Irish Coffee.

"So who shot him?" Kymira asked with a great deal of disinterest, but she figured she'd be hearing about it for a long time to come.

"Spike," Laure said, glaring at everyone as they all snickered.

"Nothing like a little domestic upheaval to keep things exciting, eh?" Judy said with a smirk.

"Yeah, just ask Dor," Kendra laughed.

Suddenly the Nurse came running into the bar, arms outstretched as she rapidly approached Judy. Without missing a beat, the Bartender opened the fridge, grabbed a gallon of Gatorade, and handed it to the Nurse.

"Thanks," Darry said, before she quickly turned and ran back out.

"Thanks for all the help you didn't give us last night!" Laure yelled.

Darry stopped immediately in the doorway and glanced over her shoulder. "Is he dead?"

"Of course not!" Laure replied.

"Then it wasn't life-threatening, was it? Lighten up," Darry said, before rushing for the front door.

~~*~~

"I have a wonderful idea, love."

"Oh reeaallyyy," Emmy said with a grin as she and the General lounged on the sofa in her bedroom.

"Yes."

Emmy sat up from lying against the General's chest. She turned and tickled his ribs. "So are you going to tell me, or am I going to have to torture it out of you?" she teased.

The General smiled and took hold of her hands. "I want you to take Tara under your wing, as your padawan."

Emmy sat back on her heels. "What??"

"Give her some direction, teach her the ropes."

"I believe I've heard this line before."

"All the other grrls have apprentices," the General said. "You should as well."

Emmy stood from the sofa. "I'm sorry, okay?"

The General sat up. "What do you mean?"

"I was so worried about you last night. I thought you'd totally gone off the deep end. And I know it's all my fault for saying the M word. I know that's why you reverted to Bunny Foo Foo, I know that it's this psychotic trigger word for men, and I never would have said it if I'd known you'd been nearby, and I'll never ever say the M word again. And I don't even want to be M'd, so you won't have to worry about it from me, there will be no need for me to say the M word again," Emmy rambled on in her distressed tone.

"What are you talking about?" the General said.

Emmy displayed a perfect Ho pout. "But I don't think it's right for you to punish me by assigning Tara as my padawan."

"Emmy, I'm not trying to punish you," the General said, shaking his head. "And you haven't done anything wrong. It was the Absinthe, remember?"

Emmy held her pout, Powahful Ho that she was. "That's very sweet, but I know you're suffering post-marital stress disorder."

The General couldn't help but laugh. "Post-marital stress disorder??"

"And not only will you need your eyes examined after that Chintz trauma, but you'll likely need to be in therapy for a good long while," Emmy said.

The General arched a brow. "You think I need therapy?" he asked, standing up.

"Well, Tara didn't start jumping from trees after drinking Absinthe!"

"No, she just thought we were being attacked by a slug army."

Ignoring his reasonable comment, Emmy continued, "So how else do you explain such erratic behavior?? You are obviously displaying a serious amount of trauma from this group marriage crap."

The General took a couple steps back. "Did…did you just say….m-m-marriage?" he stuttered nervously, clutching his chest.

"Dammit!" Emmy said. "I swore I'd never say marriage again."

The General sunk into a chair.

"Crap, I did it again."

"Little Bunny Foo Foo…."

"Oh my God!" the Diva gasped as the General began to make bunny shapes with his fingers.

"Hopping through the forest…."

"Oh no….no, no, no….what have I done??"

"Catching field mice and BOPPIN' 'em on the head."

Emmy watched the General with panicky eyes. "What am I gonna do??" she whimpered.

And then she noticed the corner of the General's mouth quirk up just a bit.

"HEY!" she said, giving him a good shove against the back of the chair as he laughed.

"Gotcha," he grinned.

"Brat," Emmy said, grabbing a pillow and thwapping him upside the head.

"Ooh! So you want to play rough, do you?" he leered, jumping up as Emmy thwapped him again. The General grabbed the pillow and yanked her forward.

The Diva, no amateur at pillow violence, quickly let go and scurried over the top of the sofa.

The General, no amateur at Diva pouncing, gave chase and tackled her on the bed.

"You cheated," Emmy charged, laughing as she rolled to back. "Naughty boy."

The General grinned wickedly. "I'll show you naughty."

~~*~~

By the end of the day everyone was packed up and loaded on the bus.

Except for Laure and her entourage in their limos.

And Dor and her entourage in her beloved Volvo.

And nobody quite knew where Darry was. But since nobody ever saw her, they didn't worry too much about it.

The Diva, being slow on her feet, was sitting in the back of the bus not next to the General. Julia had scored that plum seat, although she did have to suffer much baiting as a result of her temporary insanity.

So Emmy sat in the back reading Darry's Vogue magazine. Under the page in front of her, she could see a pair of shoes. She placed the magazine in her lap and sighed as she confirmed that the shoes were actually attached to someone. So she looked up to see Tara standing before her.

"Um," Tara said.

"First of all, don't ever call me Master," Emmy said.

"Okay," Tara said, slumping quickly into the seat next to Emmy as the bus lurched forward and threw her off-balance.

"Second of all, if anything you do reflects poorly on me, I am allowed to make you suffer, as stated in Section Fifty-Two of the HSU Charter."

"Okay," Tara replied nervously.

"Thirdly, I already have a puppy dog, I don't need another one."

"Okay."

Emmy nodded. "Good, I'm glad we understand each other."

"Poor Tara," Judy chuckled up toward the front of the bus.

"She'll be fine," the General said.

"You're joking, right?" Julia said.

"They'll work very well together, I'm sure of it," the General said.

Judy cast him a dubious glance.

"Besides, Emmy and I have made an arrangement on the mattah," the General said.

"What sort of arrangement?" Kendra asked.

The General smiled. "Now Kendra, you know that I don't gossip with any of you about each othah, just as I refuse to get in the middle of any of your disputes with each othah and just as you all know not to complain about each othah to me."

Kendra pouted. "Aw c'mon. Just a little hint."

"Nooo," the General replied.

"Would you like a cookie, Obi-Wan?" Dande asked, passing her Tupperware forward. Maybe he wouldn't tell the other Ho's, but he'd definitely have to dish her.

The General grinned. "Nice try," he said, taking a cookie. "But thank you."

"Obi-Wan," Da Mastah said. "Big game on pay-per-view this evening. You should come over."

The General laughed. "I'd love to."

"Very good," Da Mastah smiled.

"But I'm not telling you, either."

Obi-Wan smiled as Da Mastah harrumphed and his grrls tossed cookies at him.

It was good to be the General.

The End