Title: HSU - Wangers and Nutters and Cars! Oh my!
Authors: Dande, Kendra, and Emmy
Rating: CBTM (Crazier by the Minute)
Disclaimer: People own whatever
Notes: Stand back. This is nutty. Probably lots of mistakes, but it's too damn big to keep reading through over and over again.

The air was warm, the sun was bright, and all the birds chirped merrily in the trees. Thus was the beginning of what had to be one of the most glorious days at the lodge since the arrival of Ho's, Wench, Jedi, and other various and sundry men.

"Are you sure this is going to work?" Tara shouted as she continued to slowly walk backwards, carrying the large fire extinguisher.

"Positive," Kendra shouted in the distance, as she waved in exaggerated motions for the Ho to keep walking till she reached the edge of the semi frozen lake.

"I just don't know about this…I think the General will realize we're faking it. I mean after all, we are Water Ho's," Tara exclaimed as the other Water Ho continued to wave and nod absently to urge her down path.

Tara still had her doubts, but after a quick assessment of the situation, she was pretty certain the benefits of a wet General rescue far outweighed the risks. With a quick mental check to prepare herself for the chilly plunge into the lake, the Water Ho smiled brightly and continued to walk backwards. Word around the lodge was the General had decided to jog down by the lake early that morning. Hence, the ploy by the Water Ho's.

"You there yet?" The General's secretary could be heard shouting off in the distance, but Tara ignored her. Especially when the Sophomore Water Ho caught a glimpse of the lake from the corner of her eye.

With a wry smile, she turned around and pitched the fire extinguisher into the lake to break up any ice that might be forming. However, it was as the large, red hunk of metal flew from her grasp that she spotted the hulking Figure of Da Mastah standing at the shore, placing himself squarely between the Water Grrl and the lake. A very dangerous situation for anyone to find themselves in, to be sure, but, he was there all the same.

Da Mastah was struck in the back, mid-stretch, as the fire extinguisher caught him unawares. This was something that wouldn't normally happen to a Jedi Mastah, but to save his sanity, many times he blocked out the Ho buzz. This time, blocking out the buzz had resulted in the unceremonious flailing of his arms as he took a nosedive into the icy waters before him.

"Oh hells. I've just killed Quigs!" Tara sputtered in shock as she raced to the shore to see the Jedi Master floating for a brief moment, before he surged to his feet and spun around to face his adversary, mid growl and grumble. With a slight sigh of relief that she had not killed him, the Ho surveyed the situation then became instantly annoyed.

"You? I was certain it would be Obi-Wan's secretary," Qui-Gon rumbled in surprise. "Would you care to explain this? I hope you're not another one who seems to think she should protect the waters," he continued to gripe as he trudged back to the shore. His hair was dripping into his eyes, the weight of his soggy clothes was dragging him down, and the mud at the edge of the water sucking the boot right off his foot.

::Why do I put up with this?:: The Big Man wondered as he slogged up the bank. Shaking out his mane, he wondered silently if he ought to have his head examined for subjecting himself to type of thing day in and day out.

"Mastah? What happened?" Obi-Wan questioned as he stumbled upon the situation while out jogging.

"It seems Tara either was planning to go ice fishing, or she was trying to kill me." Qui-Gon growled to his former Padawan.

"Tara? You did this?…I was positive it would be Kendra," he mused as he ran his hand across his stubbled cheek and was getting ready to help Da Mastah pull his boot from the mud.

However, Qui-Gon's loud muttering, and dare say growling, made the General try to hide his grin and take a step back.

"He shouldn't have been in my way," the Water Ho insisted as she placed her hands on her hips and eyed the big Jedi. "You'd think he'd know better than to do something like that. He could have been killed when that fire extinguisher hit him," she continued, noting the General's raised brow.

"Are you honestly saying that I should have suspected that while out for a walk by the lake shore on a beautiful day, I'd be accosted by a woman hurling a large fire extinguisher at my back?" He fairly shouted.

"Fiah extinguishah?" OWK asked, looking amused.

"Long story, I'll tell you about it later," Tara sighed as she quickly caught a glimpse of the trickle of sweat that was rolling down the General's throat and she gulped loudly. "I was wondering, can I interest you in a lovely romp in the Jacuzzi?" She questioned as the Ho wrapped her arm around the General's and began to lead him away, Qui-Gon and his cursing quickly forgotten.

Obi-Wan glanced over his shoulder to the drenched figure and was about to ask if his former Master needed any help when he once again changed his mind. The General was no fool, he'd lived with the man for a very long time, and he knew that look in the Mastah's eyes. It meant, stand clear and keep your distance or subjugate yourself to a Mastah lecture something horrible. Unless, of course, you were Dande. Then that look took on an entirely different meaning.

"A little time in the outdoor Jacuzzi sounds wonderfully naughty," the General wickedly gleamed as his full attention was back on the Water Ho.

~~*~~

It was the perfect picture of country living. Smoke billowed skyward from the chimney, a light dusting of snow lay on the roof, and there was the Wench standing at the top step waiting for her hubby to return.

She could sense it, you know. Her finely tuned Wench radar honed in on the growlings and grumblings of her husband the instant they started. And that meant only one thing, bouncing to alleviate the Jedi's stress. It was definitely a very good day; she smiled brightly…until she got her first glimpse of Da Mastah limping his way to the cabin.

The smile upon her perfect lips only faltered for the briefest of instants as she took in the site of her one-booted, dripping wet, and very muddy husband. "Oh my," Dande gasped. Qui-Gon continued to grumble as he walked up the steps, his mud-coated boot making a splat sound as it hit the porch.

"Kendra? Well I have a session with her whenever she gets here, I'll speak to her about this water protection issue she has.

Da Mastah didn't say a word but looked at his wife and growled.

"Tara did this? I'm shocked," the Wench exclaimed, for she understood every growl and grumble her husband uttered. "Fire extinguisher? Obi-Wan did what? Jacuzzi?"

With a sullen shake of his head, he stalked past her, waving off anymore dialogue with his Wench.

Dande smiled brightly as she watched the drowned Jedi stomp into the cabin. "This is a very good day," she uttered to the soft wind. "Very good day," the Wench smiled upon thinking how much fun she'd have helping her hubby bathe, then she'd bounce da man.

"Hang on a minute Dear, let me start the bath water!" Dande called in his wake.

The answering rumble meant "Good, and make the water very hot."

Dande hummed to herself as she looked for the loofah.

~~*~~

**The woods are lonely, dark and deep, but I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep*** Somewhere, deep in the forests of Estrogen County, there was a shifting of the supernatural collective conscious. Perhaps it was the way the woman missed her true love. Perhaps it was that her true love was bound to her soul from the start. Perhaps it was the Ewok piss...But, somewhere in the depths of the Far Dark End...an engine coughed....And choked...And shuddered...And stalled out...Giving up...

At that moment, along the psychic bond that held their love tenuously by gossamer threads, her truelove heard her call. Heard her proclaiming her love, heard her lamentations. Heard her dulcet voice saying:

"I WANT MY FUCKING VOLVO BACK!"

Truer words had never been spoken, gentle readers! The raw love and need in the signature of the beloved woman had caused another vengeance in the undead whatevers that seemed to be so plentiful in Estrogen County......and the Volvo lurched to life!!!

In the swirling pain and confusion It felt coming back across the bridge of existence, simple thoughts began to take shape in its disturbed mind

::Must find the Drinking Woman....Must find Mistress...Ewoks bad...Dorotea goood...Must find...

Well, you get the picture.

Rolling slowly and stiffly from its entombment in tree fronds (Ewok religious practices, don't ya know) It lurched and coughed and knocked and pinged its way out of the forest.

Moving stealthily by the cottage...It hoped silently to Itself that "The Happy Beings of Light" were not at home. It was having far too much fun being creepy and spooky and obsessed to worry about Happy People.

After an exceptionally large backfire, a strange thing happened...The rear bumper rejuvenated. Another fifty feet down the road...The radio sprang to life...

**I cast a spell on you....Because your my-hine**

"Ohhh, music goooood. Librarian gooood....Chickens....BAD! It cackled with maniacal laughter as It revved its engines and tore off after a gaggle of the over dressed annoying fowl.

~*~

"It's not like I've done anything wrong, the Nurse doesn't use her car," Kendra muttered under her breath as she stomped along the path to Dande's cabin. "So what could a few thousand ice cubes do to the interior of the BMW? Nothing, just make it a little damp if a warm spell hits…sheesh! There was no need to bring in the BSB reject, let alone try to purple lightning my ass through the window…good thing glass deflects purple lightning. But Poor Cic."

As the small cabin came into view, the Water Ho decided she definitely didn't need to speak about her whatever issues, no matter what anybody said. She was on holiday after all; a good General kilting would cure whatever the supposed problem was.

Which was nothing.

::Grandeur Schmandure!!:: She thought. She could definitely take on the Sith Lord and the Nurse. "Maybe I need some major, major General kilting," the Secretary mused as she knocked on the front door and thought she heard a voice yell for her to enter.

"Dande?" Kendra shouted upon finding nobody in the den, not even Da Mastah lounging in the recliner that they brought with them. "Dande? You said you needed to speak to me about my…What-Evvvvverrrrssss," she called out before turning towards the sound of the Wench's voice.

Without giving it a second thought, the Ho opened the door to the bedroom, thinking she had heard Dande yoo-hooing her name. However, when Kendra was greeted by the sight before her, it was quite obvious, it wasn't her name that was being yoo-hooed. For there, right in front of the traumatized Ho were the Wench and Da Mastah…in mid-bounce.

"NOOOOOO! MY EYES, MY EYES!" Kendra screamed before slamming the door closed and stumbling her way blindly into the den. "I'll have nightmares for the rest of my life! I'll never be able to boink again…" she wailed in agony. "Ewww…that is just…just… so…SO......WHATEVER!!

"What the fook was that?" QGJ asked, startled out of bouncing by the shrieking Ho.

"Kendra." Dande responded, sighing heavily.

"You mean they've taken to walking into our bedroom to find you now?" Da Mastah asked with more than a little frustration.

"I mean, Kenrda just saw us...You knowing!" Dande said with concern. "Poor girl...We should have been more careful, this will hurt and confuse her. Ah well, I guess it was bound to happen. I mean, this happens to everyone sooner or later."

"Wishpuff, they are not our children you know. They are Ho's. Fully grown women who engage in this very behavior with Obi Wan."

Ignoring the reality based remarks of her husband, the Wench leapt to her next conclusion in a single bound.

"I guess one of us should talk to her, you know. *The Talk*?"

"What talk?" The Master growled in a most Mastahly fashion indeed.

"You know. *The* Talk. The one you have in these situations. About men and women and married relations?"

Qui-Gon looked at her in disbelief.

Dande sighed in exasperation and flicked him on the forehead lightly. "Hello, big grumbly Jedi Mastah," she said playfully. "Check her signature, what's it like?"

Qui-Gon groaned as he felt the surge of Whatevers emanating from the Water Ho. He did care for her a great deal, and he acknowledged a long time ago that they saw him as a father type figure. With the exception of the Koi Pond Incidents, Kendra was truly one of his favorite visitors to the cottage. He looked at Dande and made a non committal, "I've been only thinking of myself" grunt as he swung his legs off the bed.

"What are you doing?" Dande asked, confused.

"I'm going to talk to Kendra." He responded in his "I am the Mastah, and I know what I'm doing" tone. Of course, that tone came off rather silly when he was standing in a chintz filled room, nekkid.

Dande looked nervous.

Reaching for his Jedi Robes, he looked at her and waved her worries away. "I've raised three Padawans, I've had this talk before." He said convincingly as he tied his tunic sash with determination and reached for his leggings.

"They were boys, Dear." Dande pointed out delicately as she searched for her maribou slippers and slipped into her frilly Wench silk robe. "Maybe this would be better coming from me."

"Nonsense Puff. I'll handle it." He said confidently as he pulled on a fresh pair of boots and strode out to meet Kendra in the next room. He did his best to make his aura full of Mastahly knowledge and decorum. This he could handle, he'd just go out there in full Jedi robing and dignity and explain these matters in a Mastahly way. He was rather confident he'd be back in his bed with his Wench in no time.

He did have pause, however, when he entered the doorway of the sitting room to find Kendra sitting balled up on the couch, knees drawn to her chest, muttering to herself incoherently.

He rubbed his temples and sighed. Maybe this was easier with boys after all.

Dande cracked open the bedroom door and peeked out, straining to hear the exchange.

~*~

The Volvo cruised silently down the access road to HSU, lights out, feathers in its newly rejuvenated front bumper. Yes. It could feel the traces in the air of Its mistress' magic! The trail of her amazing power would lead It back to her loving embrace.

The radio was the only sound in the night, the haunting, Spanish guitar sang out as it played:

**Got a black magic woman, she's gonna make a devil out of me**

 Up in the roofless tower, Pelham arched a brow and put his J Crew catalog down. " Xani! I'm talking to you! Xan." Giving up, he tried another tactic. "Oh look, a cat fight!"

Xani suddenly looked up from his computer game with interest, only annoyed when he saw nothing of the kind.

"Now that I have your attention M'lord, " Pel said dryly. "I think we have some trouble on our hands."

"Yeah, yeah. What now?" Xani asked, unimpressed.

"Suddenly I find myself possessed of the conviction that something wicked Dor's way comes." He mused aloud.

"You know, I've been thinking of crashing that stupid lodge thing," Xani said with a wicked smile. "Maybe we should." Xani stalked about as he considered this, his black leather pants creaking, his open pirate shirt flowing, his look mischievous and sultry.

(The aforegoing paragraph added for the benefit of the Librarian. Now, back to the fic.)

"I didn't mean you, Dear." Pelham said with amusement at Xani's retreating back.

~*~

Kendra dared not glance up at the imposing Jedi before her. There was no way in hell she'd do that for fear of a sudden flashback of moments ago. So without preamble, the Ho quickly jumped to her feet and stared a hole into the plush carpeting of the floor as she fidgeted and shuffled nervously.

Qui-Gon assessed Kendra's mood, and began to have a nagging doubt that he'd be able to wrap this up quickly and return to his bedroom and his Wench. This thought made him cranky, as men are prone to feel when suffering from bouncing interruptions, but he quickly pushed the feeling aside when he realized how upset the Water Ho truly was.

Qui-Gon stood before her in his most magnificent mastahly way, ready to face anything.

"Kendra, what you just stumbled upon was…"

"You and the Wench bouncing," Kendra interrupted in embarrassment.

Qui-Gon took a deep breath and tucked his arms into the sleeves of his robes. He could do this, he'd already had this talk three times before. And Kendra was a sensible, sweet Grrl, one who very much enjoyed spending "alone time" with his former Padawan. ::So why is she so upset??:: He wondered as he drew another deep breath.

"Please Kendra, sit down." He said in is most calm-exuding Jedi vibes "I am a Mastah" tone. It usually helped things in any panic situation. Mostly.

The Grrl complied, and plopped her rear down unceremoniously onto one of the huge cabbage roses that adorned the fabric on the sofa in the Wench's sitting room. She drew her feet up to cross her legs under her and scraped her fingernails lightly over the ribbon piping on the shiny chintz arm of the couch. She still stared at the floor, refusing to look the Inflagrante Jedi Mastah in the eye.

QGJ drew upon his vast knowledge of the universe, which was sadly lacking when it came to understanding Obi-Wan's Grrls, and tried again. Gently, he began, "When a man loves a woman they find that…"

"Boinking is the next step," Kendra uttered, nodding quickly and looking frazzled.

"Ah…well…Not exactly, you see...to express one's love for one's partner the couple will progress to…"

Kendra still staring at the floor once again spoke up. "Kilting."

"Men and women have needs, Kendra. Both for love and for..."

"The wild thing!" She offered, shaking.

Qui-Gon sighed. This wasn't going well. In fact, if this had been some peace treaty mission, he'd have one hand on his light saber right now, preparing for negotiations to fail miserably. Inwardly steeling himself, Da Mastah thought ::Nonsense! I can handle this!:: He inhaled and pressed on, "Dear, this is biology. This is not something out of the ordinary or that of which you are innocent. Dande and I were..."

"If the Chintz is rocking, don't bother knocking! Yep, I get it, Big Man. Ummm, I mean, well, I get it, Qui-Gon." Kendra replied, her face flushing at inadvertent the size reference.

In the bedroom, head sticking out the door, Dande made and exaggerated "OY" face at how terribly this entire thing was progressing. She finally found her other maribou slipper and prepared to intervene shortly.

"Kendra, surely you realize I'm the same as any other man? Dande and I *do* have a daughter. I mean, you must know that we…uhm…I ah…we " Qui suddenly found himself stammering.

"Get crazy, stupid busy." Kendra finished, not removing her gaze from the very interesting flower arrangement on the coffee table in front of her.

Qui-Gon eyed the Ho before him wearily before taking a deep, heaving breath. "Yes, quite." He muttered.

This talk was definitely not going the way he had intended, nor was it going the way it had in the past with his three Padawans. Maybe he had gotten into deep water approaching the issue with one of Obi-Wan's grrls.

"This is nothing unknown to you. Don't you and Obi Wan engage in the same type of..."

As soon as it was out of his mouth, he realized it was a wrong move. First Kendra had walked in and seen he and Dande in the throws of passion, and for some reason, this had equated with some parental association and subsequent upset he couldn't fathom. Next, his last remark had called to mind her own actions with someone he saw as a son, and by the color rising in her cheeks, he guessed that she suddenly felt like her father was asking her about her sex life.

::Way to go, Jinn:: He cursed his error silently as he watched her agitation grow.

"Dande!" Qui-Gon and Kendra bellowed in panicked unison as the embarrassed tension between them became too much for both to bear.

Dande pushed the bedroom door the rest of the way open and with a rustle of the yards of silky material she wore, began to enter the room. Her fuzzy, froofy slipper, however, snagged its three-inch heel on the carpet, stalling her for a moment as she grabbed the doorframe in a wild attempt not to fall. In a silent swish of various and sundry Wench fabric choices, she teetered in time and space for a brief second before being able to right herself.

"Dande!" They once again shouted, wondering where the Wench could be.

Smoothing her hair, Dande stumbled into the room, trying to get a feel for the damage to both the Delicate Grrl Whatevers and the Mastah's Ego.

~*~

Part 2

"Pel, I'm telling you, she'll be happy to see us. Heh, she *wants* us." Xani purred, confidently.

"Oh yes, I'm sure M'lady will turn you into something gruesome for talking about her like that, too."

Xani stuck his lip out in a petulant pout. "I'm not scared of her magic. Mostly. And besides, I *know* she wants us, I can feel it."

"That's not Dor you're feeling, M'lord, it's my leg. Mmmm."

~*~

At the Lodge, Dor felt the disturbance in the sammich whatevers and picked up her spell book threateningly.

"Why those lousy, ungrateful......MEN! Where is my Maker's?!"

~*~

::Must…Bring…The Men…TrueLove wants them…Must…::

With a loud crash, the car blew its way into the Library, roaring up the stairs to the tower, destroying any part of the walls that got in its way.

Xani stopped kissing Pelham long enough to shout, "What the fook was that?"

"I believe that is the something wicked this way coming." Pel said with a mirthful expression as the roaring of the engine could be heard echoing in the hallway.

"Never a dull moment." Xani observed dryly as the far wall of the tower room crumbled and the demented vehicle bulldozed its way in.

"Oh no. Not…That!" Pel muttered in disgust as the horn began blaring and the doors of the car opened for them to get inside.

Xani, finding the entire situation amusing, imitated an annoying line from children's TV. "Hey, I think that car wants us to go with it. What's the matter, boy? Is Dor in trouble?"

The car beeped twice and flashed its headlights. Xani chuckled "This is kinda fun, come on Pel, let's go do Dor. I mean, lets go to the Lodge."

"In that? I couldn't possibly! It's most unstylish, and it stinks! There were Ewoks inside it!"

The engine revved menacingly and started to inch towards the lavender lord.

"Easy boy." Xani said with mock seriousness. "Lemmie just go throw some black leather clothing into a bag." He grinned evily, picturing how he'd stalk up to Dor and surprise her.

"I can't believe this." LP muttered as he dusted off his clothing with distain. "I'm putting a sheet on the seats, I'm not sitting directly on that upholstery."

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever." Xani mumbled absently as he looked around for his black silk pirate shirt.

~*~

**Life is a highway, I wanna ride it, all night long...Gimmie gimmie yeah! If you're going my way, I wanna ride it, all night long.**

The Volvo moved along at a jaunty clip, flapping it's wipers in time with the beat

::Sooooon, soon I will see my Mistress again.....Mwahahahaha!::

The back hatch door on the station wagon repaired itself as the car's dark powers increased.

It could feel her agitation growing. It could feel the need of the TrueLove for Its return. Deep inside of its combustion engine, the Volvo was thrilled from the depths of its push rods to be headed back to the Beloved.

The cleansing rain poured down from the night skies, washing the newly rejuvenated coat of paint that glistened in all its ebony glory. It had picked a color It thought The Mistress would like. If she didn't - here It shuddered thinking It would not please TrueLove - It would change to whatever color *She* desired.

In the back seat, Xani showed Pelham his idea at how to pass the time instead of His Purpleness asking repeatedly, "Are we there yet?"

The radio dial shifted of its own accord, and the Obsessed One fired on Its four tiny cylinders like the little demented engine that could as it tried to open it up and go eighty.

**She was a fast machine, she kept her motor clean, she was the best damn woman that I ever seen**

~*~

"Kendra, look at me." Dande entreated.

Nervously, Kendra glanced up, being very careful *not* to offer a big enough field of vision to see Da Mastah, but focused only on the Wench. It was easy enough, if you allow your view range to encompass all of her hair, there really left room for little else anyway.

"There now, that isn't so bad, right?" Dande asked in the kind of voice you use with a panicked child.

Qui-Gon tried to hide a look of exasperation. He'd tried his best with the young Ho. Now he was finding it hard to concentrate with his Wench in such close proximity in her robe. He was the victim of Bouncus-Interruptus, after all, and so found her perfume and tousled hair quite disconcerting.

Dande felt his...Distraction...and sent him a "How could you!" vibe through their bond. Qui-Gon winced and turned his attention back to the matter at hand.

"Kendra, now you know we care about you very much, and we don't want you to be upset or deeply traumatized, scarred for life or..."

Qui-Gon snorted and shifted his booted feet noisily. Dande shot him a look.

"Buh...Buh...But, you were...."

"Yes, Kendra, I think we all know what it was Dande and I were doing." Qui-Gon answered with a bit of tension in his voice.

"Ah hem!" Dande said daintily as she shifted Kendra's attention back from the Mastah. "What we were doing is only natural Ken, it's just that you never thought of us feeling the same things for each other that you feel when you're alone with Obi Wan."

"Nah Uh. Never crossed my mind." She mumbled quietly.

"Well now, it shocked you, but it's not earth shattering, right?" Dande asked gently.

"It was pretty bad, Dande." Kendra admitted, trying to purge the visual from her mind.

"Oh for Force sake!" Qui-Gon rumbled from his seat in the recliner. "Kendra, you are very dear to me, but I can't understand this. I've told you, I'm the same as any other man, with the same physical needs and desires and--"

"LA LA LA LA!" Kendra began chanting as she put her hands over her ears and closed her eyes tightly.

"Honey, why don't you go see Julia? She's baby-sitting Cara, and I think they were going to carve a pumpkin. Hmmm?" Dande prompted as the Grrl on the couch continued to shut them out.

"You're turning me out? You're turning *me* out?" He asked, astonished. "But Dande, I--"

"You're not helping here." The Wench sing-songed sweetly.

"Yeah, go-way!" Kendra mumbled from behind her hands.

All hope of Bounce Continuation gone, The Tall One rose to his feet and gathered up his cloak, muttering about having to take another swim in the cold lake. Striding quickly, he stomped out the door and forcefully shut it behind him.

"Oh my..." Dande began before dissolving into giggles.

Kendra looked at Dande and started laughing too. "Wow, he's pretty peeved, huh?" she asked, grinning.

Wiping the tears of laughter from her eyes, the Wench said "Ohhh, Ken, you should have seen the look on his face when the door opened!" Dande began giggling all over again. "The expression!"

"Yeah, I guess he was pretty crabby, huh?" The Water Ho asked, finding amusement at Qui-Gon's reaction a very good cure for her trauma whatevers.

~~*~~

"But it says *right* here in Section Seventeen C, 'Under no circumstances shall any student be denied any General appointment for any reason unless they are found to be a Princessichlorian carrier, as determined by HSU medical staff. Detection of Princessichlorians shall be grounds for immediate expulsion.' Therefore," Tara exclaimed raising her index into the air, "I have accounted for at *least* three occasions during which Kendra was in direct violation of the Charter, *and* according to any logical train of thought, this means that I am entitled to compensation for missed appointments."

"Give it a rest," Judy said, turning up the volume on the television. "Unless you want Darry to stab you with several needles to test your whatever chlorian count.

Tara began to pace behind the sofa. "And Section Sixty-Five details the procedures for addressing the HSU Board with any Charter violations by other Staff or Students." Tara stopped pacing and cleared her throat. "It reads 'Any violations of the Charter will be handled by the HSU Board as follows: Just shut up already. We don't care.' HEY!" Tara stomped and thwapped the Charter against the sofa.

"Zip it!" Judy replied.

"This is not right," Tara said. "I'm sure that *somebody* altered this. I'm going to access the real file on the campus intranet."

"Fine whatever," Judy said.

"I will," Tara said.

"Hey, what are you guys watching?" Shana asked as she entered the room.

"I'm *trying* to watch Chocolat," Judy said. "And if *somebody* doesn't shut her yap, I'm getting my bat."

"Ah HA!" Tara said, hurrying over to Shana.

Shana just looked at Tara and raised her eyebrow.

"Since you are the Mistress of Paperwork, you will be quite outraged to see this, I'm sure," Tara said, flipping to Section Sixty-Five of the Charter and pointing it out.

Shana gave it a slight glance. "What about it?"

Tara sighed. "It says 'Shut up already. We don't care.'"

Shana raised her other eyebrow. "And?"

"Well, this is obviously incorrect. Somebody must have messed with the real Charter and--"

"No," Shana corrected. "We really don't care." She shrugged as Tara made a beeline out of the room. "What's her problem?" she asked, settling in a chair in front of the TV.

"Who cares," Judy replied.

"Right."

~~*~~

Suddenly the door of the Wench cabin flew open. Kendra jumped in her seat, still shaken by her whatevers. Dande, on the other hand, smiled calmly as the door stopped just short of thwacking against the wall.

"Yo Wench, what's the buzz?" the Diva asked, sauntering into the cabin.

"Oh, Kendra and I are just having a nice little talk," Dande said.

"Mm," the Diva replied. "Where are the cookies?"

"Don't you ever knock?" Kendra asked as Emmy made her way toward the cookie plate.

Dande just smiled, turning to Kendra. "Don't *you*?"

"Oh," Kendra said.

"So whatcha talkin' about?" Emmy asked, flopping down on the sofa with a chocolate chip cookie.

"Wangers," Kendra replied, matter-of-factly.

"Ooohh," the Diva replied, waggling her eyebrows. "So what's the subject at hand? Hair pulling versus stroking? Head pushing versus thrusting?"

"All of it, of course!" Dande said with a laugh.

"So what's your call, Ken?" Emmy asked.

"About what?"

"Head pushing or man thrusting?" Emmy said, kicking off her clunky shoes and getting comfortable on the Big Chintz Couch.

"Is he wet?" Kendra asked.

"Does it matter?" the Diva asked.

"Yes," Kendra replied quite emphatically.

"Just give me a good hair pull until my scalp tingles, and I'm gooooood," Dande enthused.

"I'm shocked," Emmy laughed. "But the thrusting is definitely a thing of beauty, especially with that muscle at the hip. Wooo, honey."

"And little droplets of water sliding down the muscle line," Kendra said with a dreamy grin.

"Oooohh, and where it flexes right under the navel. Thud!" Dande proclaimed.

"Grrrrrl," Emmy said with a naughty grin.

"And don't forget the flexing butt dimple!" Kendra said as the Diva and Wench cracked up.

"And it's goooood, toooo!" Dande said.

"You go!" the Diva said.

"Oh! And the thighs," Dande drawled. "The big, powerful maximus gluteous."

"Now HE has some thighs!" the Diva cackled. "And, lawdy, do they flex, but you didn't hear that from me!"

"Emmy!" Kendra cackled. "I'm tellin'!"

"Oh hush," the Diva giggled.

"Thighs can kill a Wench," Dande said. "They can. It's like dying of sheer bliss."

"I don't doubt it," Emmy said.

"Muscles hard as rocks," Dande grinned. "Just dig your fingers right in and go for it."

Emmy and Kendra cheered as they cracked up.

"And when Qui-Gon's thigh muscles start--"

"Hold up!" the Diva exclaimed, suddenly sitting up straight.

"What is it?" Dande asked.

"Qui-Gon?? You're talking about QUI-GON??"

Dande laughed. "Well Em, he *is* my husband."

The Diva's face scrunched. "So??"

The Wench shook her big hair. "Well, who'd you think I was talking about??"

"It was just a *general* wangeresque conversation, not specifically about Qui-Gon's wanger." Emmy said, leaning forward.

Kendra smiled sheepishly. "Actually, it was about Qui-Gon's wanger."

"HUH??" the Diva replied.

"Emmy," Dande sighed, "you know the Mastah thuds me. Why would it come as any surprise that I'm talking about *his* wanger?"

Emmy shook her head and covered her ears. "La la la la la la la!"

Dande's eyes widened. "What is it with you Ho's?"

The Diva gave the Wench a head swoop. "Hey, you don't hear me talking in specifics."

Kendra rolled her eyes. "It sounded kinda specific to me, you know with the thrusting and--"

"That's not the same thing!" Emmy said, standing up from the sofa and placing her hands on her hips. "I don't go around talking about the General boinking me upside down!"

"Emmy," Dande said.

Kendra sat up to full attention. "The General boinks you upside down??"

The Diva huffed. "No! It was just an example."

Kendra slumped her shoulders a bit. "Oh."

Dande reached forward and lifted the cookie plate from the coffee table. "Emmy, sit down. Here, have another cookie."

The Diva paused for a moment. Then she grabbed another chocolate chip cookie. "Okay," she said, taking her seat.

Dande smiled. "Good, now that everyone is calm, why don't we--"

"So how big is it?"

Kendra leaned forward. "It's actually impressive, Em."

Emmy cocked her head. "Phhhffftt!" she replied with a flap of her hand. "And how would you know?"

Dande raised her hands in a vain attempt for spin control. "Well.... Let's all just...."

"I saw it," Kendra said quite plainly.

"Get! Out!" the Diva responded, bouncing forward on the couch.

"I swear," Kendra said.

"What?? What the fuck? When? WHY??"

Dande smiled a bit nervously. "Now Emmy, it's really rather amusing, you see..."

"About twenty minutes ago," Kendra answered.

"Ewwwwww!" was the Diva's mouth-full-of-cookie response.

"Emmy!" Dande interjected. "While I understand that you have no desire to see my husband nekkid, I don't think that is an appropriate response."

"Hmmph." The Diva sat and chewed on her cookie for a few moments thoughtfully. Then she flipped her hair. "So, how big?"

Kendra held up her hands in demonstration.

The Diva's brow arched with great suspicion. "You're kidding, right?"

Kendra shook her head furiously. "Nah-uh. I wish I could wipe the image from my brain."

"Hey!" Dande exclaimed. "You just said it was impressive."

Kendra held up her hand and shook her head. "Watch out, Dande, you'll get my whatevers in an uproar again."

Emmy turned to face Dande. "Yeah, way to go, Wench, traumatizing her with your Mastah's wanger."

Dande sputtered a bit. "What? *You* asked! And how come you never believed me before when I told you he was packing heat, hmmm?"

"Thought it was the hair spray fumes making you delusional," the Diva replied with a shrug.

"No, she's not sucking hairspray on this one." Kendra said. "She speaks the truth."

"Why do you think I'm always smiling?" Dande giggled.

The Diva shuddered. "That's just scary."

Kendra nodded. "Well, I did scream."

"Alright, everybody just BACK UP," the Diva declared. "How in the HELL did you see that?"

"Well, it's like this," Kendra said.

"And no details!" Emmy said, pointing at Kendra and Dande with each hand. "Just the basic event, please."

Kendra fidgeted a bit. "Well, I sorta walked in on them….ya know."

"NO!!" Emmy replied with disbelief, turning to look at Dande.

Dande nodded, and tried to give Emmy the smile that said, "Just go easy on her, she's traumatized."

"You walked in on them boinking?!" Emmy said with an incredulous laugh.

"I didn't *mean* to!" Kendra protested. "It just sorta happened."

Emmy fell back on the couch and laughed. "Oh my God," she cackled.

~~*~~

Tara ran down the stairs, her second can of Mountain Dew in hand. "I can't believe this. This is absolutely outrageous," she muttered. "I'm sure the General will know where to find a copy of the real Charter." She stopped at the bottom of the stairs and checked her watch. "Damn," she said. It was still three hours until her appointment. "Okay, just calm down," she told herself. "Just…." She gasped when she realized her Mountain Dew was empty. This would never do.

Tara ran to the bar and positioned herself in front of the Mountain Dew tap. "Score," she said, grabbing a very large beer mug.

And then she saw it out of the corner of her eye.

Tara looked toward the door.

Then she looked back down at the bottle of Absinthe on the shelf below the tap.

She set her Dew mug on the bar, and reached for the Absinthe.

It was such a beautiful bottle. Really, it was just the beauty of the container that she wanted to study. Just in order to appreciate the fine quality, she unscrewed the cap and smelled the contents.

Before Tara even knew what she was doing, she filled the rest of the Dew mug with Absinthe. Snapping to, she pulled the bottle away with a gasp, and stared at the fairy on the label that was smiling coyly at her.

"Well, it does look like Nyquil, and I do have this cold, and--" Rationalization taking hold, Tara grabbed the mug and began to chugalug.

She set the mug down as the Dew fizz began to foam her brain.

Then she heard footsteps.

Tara turned and looked toward the window. Then she yelled in horror and ran toward the front door, setting the mug down on the hallway table.

~~*~~

"Ooh, I love this part," Shana said as Judy nodded in response.

"THEY'RE HERE! THEY'RE HERE! THEY'RE HERE!"

"What the hell??" Judy said, standing up to see a blur of Tara run through the foyer and barrel straight out the door.

"SAVE YOURSEEEELLLLVES!!!"

Judy and Shana stared out the window for a moment, watching Tara flail her arms as she ran for the woods. Then they looked at each, shrugged, and sat back down to finish watching their movie.

~~*~~
Part 3

Kendra sat on the side of the General's bed as he sat beside her, the two had been talking for quite some time during their appointment. "Believe me love, I understand what you're going through. I myself have walked in on Qui-Gon during…intimate moments," the General explained as Kendra looked at him in shock.

"You poor thing," she sighed as she gently patted his hand, making him grin.

"Oh yes, the first time was when I was around seventeen," he mused, thinking back to that first awkward moment and then the subsequent chat that followed. "I think I stumbled upon him a second time about two years later," the General remarked. "Be thankful he didn't try to talk to you and give you the 'when a man loves a woman' lect-shah."

Kendra gave the General a pathetic puppy dog look, which nearly broke his heart. "I see, he did try that lect-shah," the Jedi sighed before kissing the Ho's forehead. "You know what's worse than the Mastah's lect-shahs? It's when you try to tell everyone about his…well his…"

"Endowments?" Kendra interjected as Obi-Wan nodded his head in agreement.

"Yes, his endowments. Nobody believed you when you told them, did they?" He questioned and his secretary nodded her head numbly in agreement.

"Nope, not a one," she winced as he pulled her against him and wrapped his arms around the Ho.

"They nevah do, love. Don't think anything of it," he tried to sooth as he rocked her gently.

"Yeah, well nobody believes in the Loch Ness monster, but I know that's true," the Ho suddenly spoke up, making the General stop his rocking and look down at her.

"Have you seen that too?" the General asked as Kendra pulled slowly away and glanced around the room, then turned her attention back to him.

In a soft, whisper of a voice, the Water Ho began. "Well yeah…don't tell anyone, ok? Jedi honor and all that mess. But yes, I saw Nessie. Cause it comes with the territory, Empress of the Water and all that," his secretary explained as the Jedi wasn't quite sure what to believe, but if his secretary honestly thought it was true. Who's to say it wasn't.

"Hmmm I know just what you need to help you overcome this event," the General suddenly exclaimed as he quickly stood up and grabbed the Ho by the hand and began to lead her to the French doors along the far wall.

"What?"

"Ah, you have a thing for water serpents…let me just show you one up close and personal," he smiled naughtily as he nodded to the warm Jacuzzi outside on the deck.

"Oh, I definitely think I'm a nature lover," Kendra giggled as the General quickly stripped down and gave her a lovely view of his serpent.

~~*~~

Emmy pretended like she didn't see Qui-Gon standing right next to his own cabin as she waved at Dande who was standing in the window. The Diva turned toward the lodge, Kendra already having left earlier for her Jacuzzi with the General.

And then, out of nowhere, Tara came flying out of the woods. "Prepare to defend yourselves!"

"Huh?" Emmy said.

Tara grabbed the Diva's shoulders. "The squadrons approach." She looked from side to side nervously and then gave the Diva an emphatic look. "And the mashed potatoes can only unicycle in Vermont. Our only chance is to strengthen from Kipling and then assault them with spear of Namimbi."

"Oh. My. God," the Diva replied.

"Excellent," Tara said. "You understand the import of our hula hooping."

"Well at least Dor will be pleased that there's now somebody crazier than her," Emmy said, removing Tara's hands from her shoulders.

"THE TREES!!" Tara yelled, pointing to the forest. "The slug army has captured the conifers!"

Emmy looked toward the window where she could see Dande still standing and making the "Oh dear" face.

"Ah! Braveheart!" Tara said, finally spotting da Mastah who was standing perfectly still and trying to blend in with the posts on the front porch. "We must contact Sergeant Yoda immediately!"

Emmy gave the Big Man a big smile. "Have fun!"

Qui-Gon growled as the Diva sauntered away.

"Bring her inside, I'll give her some cookies," Dande said, her Wench hair peeking out the front door.

~~*~~

Judy was throwing things right and left as she searched under the bar in the lodge's main room. "Just where the hell is it?" the Ho shouted as she slammed her trusty bat upon the bar top. This was after all, not her beloved bar back on campus, so the finish getting bumped and scraped really didn't matter.

"Hey! Must you slam that stick around?" Dor snarled as she clutched her empty bottle of Maker's in one hand and tried to douse her soberness with a bottle of Zima in the other. "Damn rot, it's not working," the Librarian griped as she glanced once more at the clock behind the bar.

"I told you that Zima isn't good for anything but keeping Xan…keeping 'you know who' in line," Judy corrected upon seeing the scowl of disgust cross Dor's face at the mere mention of her troublesome lover. "Well anyway, I have more important matters at hand than getting you unsober. I have no salt for my 'ritas! How am I to make the ultimate margarita when somebody has stolen my salt? I'll be laughed out of the bartender's top ten. Damnit, who took my salt?"

"Go ask slug grrl," Shana spoke up as she strolled by on her way to the kitchen to borrow some cocoa.

"Huh? Slug grrl?" Jen Jen questioned as she munched on tortilla chips. She honestly thought she'd heard everything, but now she wasn't quite so sure.

"Yeah, slug grrl, Tara," Kymira chimed in as she stepped up to a vacant seat at the bar.

Judy sighed heavily, counted to ten and then dove in headfirst. "Explain, because I sure think this might be quite interesting. I heard her yelling a while ago and saw her flying outside," the Bartender said as Dor once again glanced at the clock. "Dor are you waiting on something?" Judy found herself asking as the librarian sighed dramatically.

"As a matter of fact yes…and no, before you ask, it's not on my shrinking spell to ferment. But I am sure going to shrink Xani's wanger before all is said and done," Dor vowed as the empty bottle of Maker's hit the floor along with the empty bottle of Zima.

"That's good, now please would somebody tell me what the hell is Tara doing?" Judy demanded as she thumped her bat upon the bar top for emphasis.

Ky snickered softly before Emmy joined the group at the bar. "How's it going?"

"I don't know, but somebody better tell me about slug grrl before I get upset," the bar keep nearly shrieked.

"Oh, is that all? Tara just seems to think slugs are out to take over the world," Emmy replied as she reached behind the bar to grab a glass for her margarita but found it unsalted. "You got salt?"

"Damnit, no. I have no salt. Now tell me why in the world is Tara thinking slugs are part of such a master plan?" Judy questioned.

"Haven't a clue, I just saw her a while ago to check on Scott's wood stacking," Shana said

"Ppphhfftt," the Diva replied.

Shana gave Emmy a look and continued, "She was running through the woods screaming 'They're all over me'!" Shana added as she clutched a tin of cocoa in one hand and a bag of marshmallows in the other.

"Oh and don't forget the ever popular, 'GIT'EMOFF, GIT'EMOFF, GIT'EMOFF!" Ky interjected as she nearly fell out of her chair laughing at the thought of Tara smacking herself silly as she ran.

Judy shook her head and didn't know quite what to say. "Does anyone know what caused this problem?"

"Nah, haven't really thought about it," Jen stated as she opted not to get a margarita. "I mean, Tara really wasn't harming anyone but herself."

"You know, come to think of it, she mentioned feeling a little under the weather and was going to take some cold medicine," Shana thought aloud. "And knowing Tara, Absinthe is a cure all."

"Please don't say she mixed it with Dew?" Judy winced.

"Come to think of it, she was chugging on a Dew earlier," Ky interjected. "What's the big deal?"

"The big deal is that Tara has gone wacko and is doing who knows what. Everybody knows, you don't mix Absinthe and Dew, just ask Jael. Look at what happened to her," Judy snapped as all Ho's in attendance had a brief moment of silence for Jael.

"So you think Queen of the slugs stole all your salt, huh?" Dor casually remarked before hearing heavy breathing and even heavier footsteps stomp into the cabin's entrance. "It's about freakin time," the Librarian griped as she shakily slid off her barstool and raced to the front door as whomever was there began a deafening pounding.

As Dor opened the door, the Ho's saw the hulking figure of Haken, snow covered, half frozen, and panting heavily leaned against the doorframe to catch his breath.

"Haken das here dark vitchen," he huffed and puffed as Dor walked up to him and snatched the little brown jug from around the big guy's neck as he smiled stupidly down at her.

"It's about time," she groused as she pulled the cork from the jug and took a whiff, slowly taking a step back as the strong fumes hit her. "Just what kept you so long, I called you hours ago?"

"Haken vas chased by das moon bright people mit zee boom-booms," he heaved as he showed the librarian his shotgun-riddled tunic.

"Well fine, but next time don't dally," Dor ordered before taking a swig out of her jug of moonshine like an old pro.

"Moon-Bright? Moonshine? Hak, do you mean moonshine? Did you bring Dor home brew? Oh, you poor lug, look at your back, are you ok?" Judy asked from behind the bar.

"Ya, Hak sprecking aboot das moonshine." He nodded enthusiastically as he looked to see who was talking to him. "Brau Freuline! Ess das goot pour seeing dee!!" He bellowed as he began to jump around, shaking the floorboards.

Laure stepped through the front door, took one quick look at an exhausted Hak, another quick glance at Dor drinking, and then shrugged her shoulders before walking inside and shouting. "Anybody get a load of Tara lately? What's up with that?" the ex-mediator remarked as she headed to the bar.

~~*~~

The General smiled as he made his way down the stairs at the sound of his grrls chatting away in the bar. It was good to have everyone finally getting along again.

But then he paused as he made his way down the hall.

"Like your Chintzing him didn't traumatize him enough!" Emmy yelled.

"Well at least I WANTED to be married to him," Laure replied.

"Oh please," Judy said.

"Give us a break already," Kendra said.

"Hey, if we could *really* do what we wanted to around here, I would be married to the General," Laure said. "And I'd be quite happy to let you all have him, too, I wouldn't mind sharing. I'd even invite you to dinner in our cottage. Well, *some* of you."

The General slumped against the wall in the hallway and banged his head against it.

"Yeah right," Dor said. "It's so like a wife to share her husband."

"Did she just say what I think she said?" Julia asked. "She's going to *let* us have him, too? She's going to play Cottage and allow him out to see the rest of us?"

"Sure," Kendra said. "If he can ever get past the Force-proof bars on the windows."

"Probably put one of those house arrest ankle cuffs on him that sets off an alarm if he steps outside," Dor said. Then she paused. "Hey, maybe I should look into one of those for Xani."

"And since when did we all die, making you the General's favorite??" Emmy said.

"I never said that!" Laure exclaimed.

"Uh-huh," the Diva replied dryly.

"Not to mention that YOU were the one declaring yourself First Wife, demanding a ring, and then not even wanting to be married!" Laure retorted.

"Hey, don't blame me just because I was the sharpest one in the crowd," Emmy said.

"Oh, here we go," Judy said.

"Every harem has a First Wife, and I certainly wasn't going to hang around waiting for someone else to claim it," the Diva replied. "Because IF I'm going to be forced into a group marriage, the man I marry is going to have to make being married worth my while."

The General just stood in the hallway grabbing at his hair and clenching his teeth. Then he glanced down and saw a half-empty mug sitting on the phone table in hallway. He picked it up, finished it off, and turned around and marched outside.

"Who was that?" Judy asked, having heard the stomping and the door slamming.

Emmy shrugged. "Dunno. So anyway…. What were we talking about?"

All the women sat quietly for a moment, trying to recapture their train of thought.

Laure shrugged, "Anybody wanna watch a movie?"

"Sure," came the collective response.

As they made their way to the TV room, the phone in the hallway rang. "Yeah?" Kendra said as she picked it up. "Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah." She hung up the phone. "Emmy, Dande wants you over at her cabin. Says Tara is off her rocker."

"Well geez, what the hell does that husband of hers do anyway?"

~~*~~

"They are confounded by the vines," Tara said, staring wide-eyed at the Wench's Chintz wallpaper. "This is a brilliant foil."

"Well at least she's quiet now," Emmy said.

"Maybe somebody should go to the Nurse's cabin and get some thorozine," Dande said.

Dande and Emmy, both smart enough to know that venturing to the Nurse's cabin was not for anyone who valued their well being, both turned to look out the window at Da Mastah, who had once again been banished out of his cabin so that he and the Diva would not exacerbate Tara's psychosis.

"Well…maybe she'll be alright," Dande said, having received the clear message in Da Mastah's stare that he'd rather kiss a Wookie than go to the Nurse's cabin.

"So what do you think sent her off her nut anyway?" the Diva asked. "You don't think she heard you talking about Qui-Gon's wanger, do you?"

~~*~~

Qui-Gon's eyes widened at that bit of overhead conversation. Not entirely comfortable with the notion of such talk from Emmy, he took a step back from the window, and then his attention was grabbed by the sight of Obi-Wan jumping off tree branches.

Curious, Da Mastah thought.

And then he stepped back closer to the window."

~~*~~

"But I have to tell you, I'm quite jealous," Emmy said. "I've always wanted sample one that big."

"It'll keep you smiling for a good long while, I'm sure," Dande chirped.

Emmy laughed. "Trust me, I spend a great deal of time fantasizing about getting that big daddy in my mouth."

~~*~~

Qui-Gon choked on his own shocked inhalation. He grumbled and darted away from the window. He paced.

He shook his head.

He caught a quick glance of Dande and Emmy giggling.

He decided he needed a very large drink and stomped off the porch and toward the lodge.

~~*~~

"So do you use shortening or butter for the dough?" Emmy asked.

"Butter," Dande said. "It seems to make them bigger." She carefully removed the dinner plate-sized chocolate chip cookie from the baking sheet. "There you go," she said, handing it to Emmy. "Now be careful, it's hot. You don't want to eat that big daddy until it cools off a bit."

"Mmmm, it smells wonderful," Emmy said. "I'm serious, I've been dreaming about cookies all afternoon."

"Ha! You think your red rubber boots will save you now?!"

Emmy and Dande turned to see Tara backing away from the wall. Then she started pouring rock salt on the carpet.

Dande sighed. "Oh well, it'll vacuum."

~~*~~

Kendra sat at the bar and sighed. Her whatevers were definitely in a slight uproar at the moment, she'd never be able to look the Mastah in the eyes again.

"What's bothering you?" Judy questioned her padawan after seeing the Ho's long face.

"Oh nothing, I've just been traumatized for life, that's all," Kendra groaned as she held her head in her hands and leaned heavily against the bar.

Judy continued to clean the glass in her hand but couldn't help but smile. "I see, this lifetime trauma is the third this past week, is it not?" she couldn't help but question, making her padawan finally look up.

"No, fourth actually. But I mean it, Judy, this time I'm scarred for life," the Water Ho insisted.

"Yeah right, I hear ya," Ky snorted as she sharpened her knife.

"It's true, I saw Da Mastah…well I walked in on him and...just take my eyes out now, Ky, take them!" Kendra begged as Ky raised her brow in shock and Judy groaned.

"She's been watching TV way too much again, hasn't she?" Laure remarked.

"Kendra! Pull it together grrl and tell us, what the hell happened with Da Mastah?"

"Well you see…I was having a crisis and Dande wanted me to stop by…I swear she said come in…and well when I opened the door…my eyes, my eyes," Kendra gasped once more before Judy grabbed her by the sweater and shook her.

"Don't make me hit you," Judy threatened.

"Don't make me hit you back," Kendra snarled as Judy smiled and then released the Ho.

"As I was saying, I saw Da Mastah and Dande getting funky," the Water Ho wailed as silence abound.

"You WHAT??" Jen questioned in shock.

"I saw Da Mastah in all his glory," Kendra groaned as Judy quickly put a bottle of tequila and a glass before her padawan.

"Ohhh…tell me more," Laure urged with that glint in her eyes.

~~*~~

Da Mastah strode toward the bar, mentally running through gaming stats. He was sure Judy would have some good information for him.

~~*~~

"You poor thing, and you're still conscious?" Ky remarked with a low whistle. "So how big was he?"

"Huh?" the General's secretary grunted.

"How big, and I want exact measurements, no guesstimates…ah…for scientific reasons of course," Laure insisted as there was a collective eye roll. "Hey, it's true."

"If you really saw the man, how big was he…you know, his package? Was his lightsaber fully extended?" Kymira clarified.

"Ohhh do tell," Laure urged.

~~*~~

Qui-Gon stopped in mid-stride. Not again.

~~*~~

Kendra raised her hand and gestured a certain length before there were snorts of disbelief echoing about the room. "I tell you it's true! He was that big," she insisted as the laughter increased.

"I hear ya sister," Laure grinned while fanning herself. "No wonder the Wench is always happy," the Wo grinned, the lone unsquicked person at the bar.

"I don't think you actually saw the man. Or maybe you did see him, and the thought of Qui-Gon nekkid made you freak so you think you really saw his wanger and it was that big," Jen giggled. "Like that's really possible being that big…yeah right…only my toys are that size."

"There's no need to fib about such a delicate subject as Da Mastah's wanger," Laure huffed indignantly. "How disappointing…"

~~*~~

Qui-Gon turned on a dime and walked back outside.

~~*~~

"Look, I'm telling you the truth. Why won't anyone believe me?" the Water Ho demanded as she glanced at the clock and stood up and stomped her foot.

"Probably because of the alien incident," Ky spoke up.

"But that was true," Kendra huffed.

"Lucky, that's all. And what about that bit with you swearing up and down we were going to be attacked by the Ewoks again?" Laure added.

"I misunderstood their chanting, nothing else."

"And what about the time you insisted there was such a thing as a rat boy?" Judy sighed.

"Hey, I saw him buying soda at the local market…he's on the front cover of all the papers," Kendra explained as the laughter increased. "Fine, nobody believe me then. I'm sure you'll believe the slug invasion and the ranting about the bog men plot to do something or the other," she snapped before stomping her way upstairs, the laughter behind her near deafening.